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swaying from side to side and that felt good but it was all beyond my control my body was doing what it needed to to keep me alive my conscious will was not doing any of it i remember my doctor upon seeing my rolling my head back and forth asking me if i was doing this to alleviate the pain probably wondering and hoping that it was some strange hypnobirthing technique i think i choked out a no but inside i wanted to laugh at her yell at her tell her i had absolutely no control as to what was happening i wanted to scream to the room wake up you idiots don t you see what s happening i can t handle this pain i can t breathe i am dying i need help but i couldn t i then remember being on my back head at the top of the bed again at that point i was deep in some sort of communion with god telling him that i knew he was taking me back grateful for that and requesting that he please do it sooner than later because i couldn t take the pain anymore i told him that i would love to meet emi in heaven if she needed to come with me but if it wasn t her time i knew david would be an excellent father and she could stay alive with him i remember vomiting a few times not to find the usual relief that comes with vomiting at some point an oxygen mask was put on me i know now intellectually that i needed oxygen and my sweet baby did as well but at the time it felt totally intrusive and i felt claustrophobic and seemed to make my breathing more strenuous rather than less i kept pulling at it trying to tear it off so i could breathe but getting in trouble for it and having it put back into my nose being told it was helping me breathe i didn t believe or feel that though i remember some people trying to tell me to breathe my birthing breath and i just couldn t just one of the beautiful yet worried faces i remember seeing i m not sure how long i was in and out of consciousness but in the early afternoon i looked up and saw a big crew of people in the room i remember the faces of worry fear even horror and heard the doctor say we re taking the baby out with forceps we need you to push to help us or something of that nature i attempted to push and don t remember much after that other than a loud cry and sounds of happy relief at 1 50 pm on monday july 2 2012 my warrior princess baby arrived ps that s 32 plus hours of hard labour peeps newest of news i didn t have my baby brought straight to my chest as i had so desired i didn t have the chance to keep her warm on me and re connect with this little huge soul that was inside of me i wasn t able to attempt to nurse her right away i didn t even see her i was back out of consciousness my sweet husband sister and friends by then my dear friend jenn had joined our circle made valiant efforts to bring baby girl beside me but i am told i would say no i can t or just turn my head away my sister told me that she brought baby girl to me at one point and i said i m sorry you had to go through that i don t remember any of these moments i do remember looking up now and then to see tears in the eyes of those i love most and whispered anxious conversations i wanted so much to tell them don t cry it s going to be ok but i couldn t a few times dear david was at my side crying and repeating i m so sorry i m so sorry my wonderful brother in law nathaniel gave me a blessing at some point i do remember this i don t remember any of the words but vividly remember the feeling as he wept and whispered the blessing directly to me in my ear i m not sure if anyone else heard or not i received another blessing at a later time from david s brother bryson i am so so grateful for these men who used the gifts of the priesthood to offer comfort safety solace healing and peace to me i m even more grateful for the women who were there with me and those who weren t who were also blessing me directly and indirectly i know the prayers and heart thoughts and powerful healing energy of these amazing women were non stop during my time in the hospital rare early moment together daddy daughter bonding my sweet baby girl was ripped away from her momma immediately and didn t feel my arms embrace her for a couple days luckily she had the most incredible wet nurses my sister felicity and sister in law cynthia i am so eternally grateful for them for selflessly providing her the nourishment and nurturing she needing in that dark time luckily she had the most amazing father who was able to bond with her immediately in the hours after the birth when i was conscious i was a miserable wretched woman in agony others attempted to assist me into more comfortable positions to no avail the worst of the physical pain were the multiple attempts to remove what was left of my placenta the nurse would push on my abdomen sending large amounts of blood shooting out of me not yet realizing my uterus had ruptured and assuming i am told that the blood meant there was still placenta she would do this on a regular frequent basis 10 minutes 1 2 hour i don t remember much to my horror i remember screaming crying writhing in agony trying hard to push her hands away begging her not to do this again i couldn t believe this pain was being inflicted on me it didn t feel real in a way i felt like a complete victim like i was being beaten after i had been raped that s the best way i feel i can describe my birthing experience at the hospital not gentle not calm not spiritual not intimate not just a few loving people like i had so hoped and prepared for the opposite of all those things please please go away don t do this again please i beg you make it stop my pleas fell on deaf ears i know now they were doing their job without the full information of what was truly going on and probably felt terrible about inflicting pain but it seemed they were sent straight from hell to make my life experience as excruciating as possible while the devil laughed on i just wanted to die and was angry that god didn t just take me already angel rock wet nurse nurturer protector the moment of relief came when a new doctor arrived and basically told me that an ultrasound i don t remember having it done showed that there was fluid in my abdominal cavity and they were going to do an exploratory laparotomy surgery right away hallelujah i knew that surgery meant i would receive the succour i needed by being able to in a way finally just die for a while and not feel anything bring it on it breaks my heart now to say it but that was the happiest moment of the entire day not the birth of my sweet baby the emotional pain lingers moving along the doctor requested that i sign a consent for surgery i laughed at least inwardly because my arms weren t working to be able to sign anything terri held my hand with the pen in it and signed for me meanwhile poor david was on the phone with our doctor who had left the hospital after the birth who was explaining to him the options david was more concerned than me about a surgery with all the risks and possibility of potentially having to do a hysterectomy but obviously consented i don t know what filled the time from 1 50 pm until 10 pm when they began the surgery other than pain and prayers i m still confused about why it took so long to discover that this wasn t a normal birth and that some extreme measures were needed after the birth the surgery went well the team of surgeons discovered that my uterus had torn in 2 places front and back they didn t have a definite reason why this happened but some ideas they were able to stitch it up without having to do a hysterectomy other s prayers were answered my life was spared and now the healing process could begin my constant angel terri providing support moments before surgery as i have researched and read about similar experiences i ve learned that my experience was truly nothing short of a miracle in most cases either the mother baby or both will pass away within minutes if a rupture is left untreated i know there are some important reasons why baby emi and i had to go through this and are still on this earth i don t know the reasons but i know they exist i spent the rest of the week in the hospital recovering haha i laugh as i write that hospitals to me are so counter productive when it comes to healing and recovery do i sound like a broken record yet for my feelings about hospitals at any rate that s where i was and i truly am grateful for the medical assistance i received however that was the most horrible week of my life nausea extreme pain side effects of the medication no sleep being interrupted when finally sleeping to be poked and prodded not being able to stomach any of the hospital food not being able to walk let alone go to the bathroom by myself etc etc the worst part though may be the guilt i had when i thought of my emi i didn t feel any connection to this baby i only saw her for brief periods of time here and there she was released after 2 days in the hospital and taken home to be with our family and when she wasn t there i wasn t thinking about wanting to be with her all i could focus on was my pain here was my brand new angel baby who i had spent 9 months preparing for physically emotionally mentally and spiritually and i couldn t even muster up the appropriate enthusiasm empathy or excitement to see her every time i realized this the guilt grew i was comforted by knowing that emi was being cared for fed and loved to no end by her aunts grandparents and my friends yet this dynamic created negative feelings for me also my 3 saving graces excitedly presenting emi to me for the 1st time post surgery day 3 hospital sparing the gruesome details of the week in the hospital the sunday after emi was born i was released from the hospital and we all went to live at my in laws for the following week emi was the picture perfect example of it takes a village to raise a child i am so grateful for the amazing people in my life who cared for nursed and loved her as their own i can t imagine being a single parent or not having the support of family friends and community when going through a new birth let alone a traumatic birthing experience i feel so blessed in this regard yet at the same time this was not how i had envisioned the first couple of weeks for my baby husband and me and there were many moments of sorrow frustration anger irritation and helplessness i knew everyone was only there to help us but i was so very upset that i couldn t do anything for emi in my mind at the time i realize now the error of that thought i was annoyed that i wasn t able to make decisions for myself or my baby she didn t feel like she was mine it was a strange and surreal feeling it was almost as though she belonged to everyone else and they were trying to help me spend some tidbits of quality time with their baby i became increasingly irritated at people s well intentioned advice i wanted to do things my way and be home in my home isolated from everyone with no one but my equally traumatized amazing partner and baby i wanted to bond in the way i had dreamed i wanted everything opposite from what i was experiencing and what i had experienced talk about feeling like an entitled 3 year old i want it talk about eating an entire humble pie since that week there were many times when i continued to feel like emi wasn t my baby like i didn t have the same baby in my arms that i had in my tummy all those months during those times there was no connection she continued to feel like she wasn t mine one day while feeling this i had the insight that this sweet girl indeed wasn t mine she belonged ultimately to her heavenly mother and father in a sense she is on loan to me but her soul belongs to them this was a powerful and comforting reminder for me during those times i also felt pretty useless as a mother i continually felt as though emi was so bonded with david but not me and that he did a far superior job of parenting than i i felt like i had no clue how to care for this little baby i felt like i was in training being watched by everyone in my life i longed to jump into the drivers seat of my life rather than be stuck in the passengers seat unfortunately my recovery didn t allow me to do that in the way i wanted re enter humility enter in life s important lessons of giving receiving gratitude honor acceptance forgiveness repentance giving up control working through anger and fear becoming as a little child etc i am now very grateful for the lessons i ve learned and the lessons yet to learn from this birthing experience at times i fall back into sadness anger why me and feeling ripped off by the experience and what it means for my future lack of birthing experiences and this is ok too i am grateful to have these negative thoughts and feelings as well and that i ve come to a place in my life where i am entitled to these as well as the silver lining moments only and don t feel guilty about them anymore happy baby one of the beautiful things about baby emi is that she is so very aware of me of her surroundings she is a kindred intuitive soul i have felt the comforting reassurance that emi understands that what we went through was traumatic and doesn t hold me responsible at all i have felt her forgiveness towards me for being not the mother i desired to be the first year emi is a patient soul who brings peace and joy where she goes i believe there is a big spirit in her little body getting ready to do big things on this earth i have had humbling hard moments where i feel completely empty lacking insecure where i feel like the child and emi like the wise parent those moments when tears stream down my face and i attempt to avoid her gaze but she steadily looks at me intensely with those eyes ahhhh those big eyes melt and stares deeply into my soul and tells me it s ok mama it s ok this is but a brief moment i love you we re ok emi is my miracle every day she is amazing so grateful to be alive in love with her 18 months later posted in uncategorized 9 comments momma s day 2013 may 12 2013 by jessicaleesalmon oh maya you speak to my soul re reading this poem after being a mother this year i wept understanding a little more the huge sacrifice heartbreaks joys tears fears fulfillment longing hoping prayers discouragement guilt love unmet desires and dreams self control willingness to be hurt humility strength and so much more of my own mother and her mother and all the mothers before that throughout the history of time so much more to write but i will save my own experiences for another day here is the poem mother a cradle to hold me maya angelou it is true i was created in you it is also true that you were created for me i owned your voice it was shaped and tuned to soothe me your arms were molded into a cradle to hold me to rock me the scent of your body was the air perfumed for me to breathe mother during those early dearest days i did not dream that you had a larger life which included me among your other concers for i had a life which was on...