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the left brick post despite matter being removed to form the words whether gate restored whatever it was now there or not it d simply be physical of the earth a prop devoid of its spiritual play like delphi unless i was there revisiting as john had suggested him accompanying with whatever spirit was left in me in evidence as i was disinclined to do since possibly a portent of death i did think of going back to writing out my notes on what came after which begins with mum s enrolling me in denbeath junior secondary there was some spirituality in that if also past but it didn t really interest me being more mere conventional autobiographical past tense narrative the dream merged into conscious thinking as i woke up just before seven posted in uncategorized tagged the book leave a comment duple dream posted on may 13 2021 by johnbrucecairns we were going through the pub on our artistic venture when my partner leant through a partition to leave his glass which wasn t its on the carpeted stairs behind it toppled off and surprisingly broke into smithereens as i saw passing by the top of the stairs my partner wasn t stopping to take responsibility i did the landlady was at the glass with pan and brush indicating i should be i didn t do it i caught up with my partner upstairs in a bedroom with the bed turned down i was gauging if the bed was big enough for two he said i could have this room while he another next door facing the top of the stairs back the way we d come i hadn t noticed a room there he must ve been quick to see to it all i didn t like it i woke up about two minutes past five peed and went back to bed he was off somewhere to do with drama and i was eating alone while the landlord and another man on a bench were eating from a nearby table i moved my food to the table my partner was paying for everything i asked for a separate account i woke up after nine from a continued dream posted in uncategorized leave a comment correspondence 36 more ado posted on march 16 2021 by johnbrucecairns 314 27 oct after all the money the state has spent on my education a hypothesis by joan ure there is no proof of anything important i could at pinch rustle up proof for the square on the hypotenuse or the angles being equal but that doesnt matter now you ve left me i could even prove that the good of the pudding is in the eating but i have no appetite even for the apple i cant prove that either for if you came home to me tomorrow you might say i m starving because of vietnam or to make you look guilty when it s really my fault on the other hand how can you prove that you do not love me just going away might mean you love me only too much and in fact that you couldnt bear loving me any longer since you loved me so much and it might just mean that the other woman with the big poppy earrings and her hair all natural isnt so exhausting lets you get some sleep and lets you do the talking there is no proof of anything important it s an act of faith even the sunrise just because i m crying it might be the onions there is no proof it wont get better later there is no proof it will ever 315 4 nov 4 weeks from zee day i am looking forward very much to seeing much ado with you your action the letter was is one of these dazzling actions that reveal our opening lives to us the way we react to these dazzling actions of others towards us shows us a bit more of what for better and worse we ve made of ourselves up to time of going to press 316 wednesday 9th november 1966 noon dear john i thought i ll just phone then since writing a letter about it is so silly and i ll explain like this i know it s crazy and petty and bourgeois even but i cant repeat cant let you pay for my ticket last night so may i send on the money please and dont be hurt because the gift was not the price of the ticket the gift was your company etc etc this is what i thought i would do but then i imagined doing it and i knew oh those flashes of insight into one s likely behaviour i would start to cry on the phone like last time and that would make it altogether too ridiculous i mean imagine feeling sad imagine feeling anything imagine but it s this way about the money enclosed herewith 1 keep the change because it was our finale your decision not mine it felt as if you were also paying me off you wouldnt take a drink at my expense you see i might have come to terms with the thing that way but you wouldnt oh innocently enough but it made it no use for me i wont be paid off you see i mean have your finale your theatrical sense demanded it and i managed to go through with it with only one single whisky to support me and the play was marvellous 147 and if you hadnt been able to pay for the tickets at the time i couldnt have been there so you did me a marvellous favour and i was happy all through the play etc but you misunderstood too much and there is something in you that wishes to blame me i had not repeat not got it wrong you did say and i quote grand circle cheap you meant it to be a surprise that we were sitting so near the front then you forgot i suppose if i do get things wrong i suggest you are conniving at this yourself you are above explaining yourself well i m not above anything except giving up too easily people are not stones try to drop them and they adhere they cant ever be summed up or paid off 148 dont be hurt try to imagine love betty 317 saturday 12th november 1966 i feel very happy today because ho ho unwilling and weary you may be but our dialogue continues you looked very beautiful at the theatre it isnt fair how attractive inhumanity is in somebody who matters to you i dont say you werent trying for the h b 149 just that you give up so easily and even when i am driven to make my little gesture i make it small enough half a 1 is even better and more shapely for your wall so that there is the element of the clown in the procedure 150 for instance when you drive me one day as you surely will if you intend any more actes gratuits in my direction to stick a knife in you yes when i stick a knife in your so called heart i shall trip over the edge of the carpet and wound you about the knee instead so that rather an attractive limp will help you out byron byron after they have shut me away in the madhouse with the poisoned dog why is cruelty so attractive to the artist because it is the only sort of action that is complete and the temptation for the artist to complete even to complete human beings is so enormous that i believe one artist of my acquaintance at the least has to make a necessity out of the day to day completion of his friends betty s being a fool so why should i bother further betty was being a fool oh yes but your letter made the let s call the whole thing off decision too much yours it was too extreme an act to allow for any possibility of mutuality in any decision about us whatever it was but you are marvellous you acted beyond your own willed pattern in your weary but patient attempt to help me to understanding and you too behaved as i did as if there is some validity in making the price of a ticket stand for a willingness to trust the other to mean well by their generous actions i have a thing about money you know that it s a more or less natural state of affairs so there is significance in actions of mine involving money also there was just the fact that i wasnt very sure whether i had asked you to go to much ado long long ago when we still were speaking and i didnt want to take it for granted that you should also pay for my ticket as well as going to the trouble via your pupil of getting it for me i dont like to take very much for granted and you really thought that my friendship would fail me in the assimilation of the gratuitous act not quite gratuitous but not quite spontaneous either 318 his nov 12th no it was not my immediate reaction which was to return the money it was what i thought deliciously when i realised that to return the money would give you what you wanted a reply a continuation a trap that may still be a trap for all my recognition of it but which would hurt me only as a waste of time 151 i still think to lie fallow would restore the fertile soil 147 it actually created happiness 148 jimmy watson was with a kilt his mother had never kept her promise to give him one the child in him told me who gave him mine since it meant so much more to him than it did to me 149 human being 150 i presumably halved the note sent half back and pinned up the other no half is archived she is likely right in interpreting the gesture as my saying she s a clown 151 i must ve enveloped half the note tout court an act speaking louder than words speaking volumes posted in uncategorized tagged after all the money the state has spent on my education half note jimmy watson money much ado about nothing leave a comment correspondence 35 buttons pushed and trips posted on march 14 2021 by johnbrucecairns 309 to john from betty communiqué 11 10 66 very glad almost happy to say that in less than a week i believe i have slipped out from under your honest but harsh communiqué to me and i am today in a mood to believe you are probably mistaken about me admit that s a terrific victory admit it might have taken even you almost as long to regain style that so essential covering to the raw flayed flesh of the sensibility apart from that i owe you a lot that you at last told me some of the bad things you associate with me i might even if you have not already invited another be clean enough of resentment to accept your taking me to much ado it is fitting we should have a farewell as public as our hello but i womanlike and who but you dare suggest that being a woman is completely an act of mine forgive you if you ve already filled up the space for much ado with one or another of these little girls who are such poor competition that they allow you so easily to shine be happy any how p s 143 i have much regretted that last evening in september when we met face to face at the close with no third party to save me from my terrible prosaic seriousness i must have been pretty condescending to cause you that letter my excuse is that i had been noticing what i saw as a summing up of me 144 and you didnt even seem to sum up anywhere near accuracy either in the way you had been for some months i had to tell you that i resented it in case it got worse but i did not intend to tell you in that public place and i must have shocked you a lot i should have known what it feels like to be publicly upset i didnt intend to hurt you certainly not to humiliate you which i now realise i maybe did too for you were known there although i was not it has taken 3 months to waken me to many things that i must have offended you by i always valued you but perhaps i was careless of you i do not expect to be careless again i can apologise now 310 his oct 12 i know exactly what that means i am in a mood to believe you are probably mistaken about me it means we are where we were and i was not comfortable where i was with you where i was was unhappy as being dead 145 probably mistaken probably yes but the fact remains that we had steadily got to a place where i could write such a probably mistaken letter such a place isn t a good place to be in and you know i don t think it had anything to do with my shining or with little girls or my inability to compete if that was it then no wonder i didn t like it because i don t compete i didn t have to shine with you i find little girls by definition just as boring as you do and i don t admit that s a terrific victory you ve just had in reskinning your flayed sensibility for all i know i won t like the new skin particularly if the new skin is style which i suspect is another term of yours for something quite otherwise though i hesitate to say what i don t think you re honest betty clark not honest at all in fact i doubt if anyone is it s a case of whether self deceptions coincide do ours now deep down lurks the suspicion that i m not writing myself because of something between us and i would rather write than be your friend 146 311 to john from betty communiqué 3 18 10 66 i believe please dont be hurt by it that i have to explain almost every word to you now so as to try to avoid further misunderstanding so in case you have taken hurt from my dropping of the words dear and love from my communiqués i d better tell you that i couldnt use these words just at this moment without feeling i cancelled out their real meaning for me at other times i dont feel you are dear to me just now and i dont feel conscious of love towards you today i have heard our tape recording at last and it has helped to resolve my confusion about what precisely was wrong for me about your attitude towards me the thing that made me take offence and rebel in that very imperfect way culminating in my telling you off at the close theatre café table that night it was not your cruelty that was so dehumanising to me but i was believing you when you heard yourself and called it cruel but it wasnt cruel cruelty is something else something much warmer nearer loving it was condescension and that s what hurt you will understand that at least because it was my condescension to you at the café table that caused you to write that letter your hypothesis cruelty only confused me it didnt fit at all with my experience of the situation and condescension does and now you too know what it feels like for i now admit i was condescending to you at the café table it seemed at the time like justice anyhow i couldnt help it right then my pain about whatever it was you were doing had deprived me of the humanity i d have needed to go on trying to make contact when i believed that you weren t committed to a truthful encounter with me any more if ever you ve become one of my obsessions you wanted to be the disappointing lover didnt you well there you are the disappointing lover number you re the first i m going to accept as finis 312 21 oct at last an answer joan ure has it really taken fourteen days or is it three weeks or was it yesterday anyhow you heel i answer you now as you deserve that is as an equal which you nearly are or you will grow towards it with luck some day perhaps how invigorating it has been to be acknowledged by you of all people as self important isnt it what we all aim at and here am i ho ho there before you important to myself and to be insulted for my appearance for dont believe for a minute i was not taken in by that for example you r conversation stinks well suppurates deodorised to its soporific end heigh ho to be at the point where i no longer so much need to say and you so that i can say it isnt it great and this time you will not take away the knowledge that this is victory this is to refuse to be the worm by turning till i m dizzy above all this is the act of no mother but of a imagine we have got through once again how long for this time arent we resilient see us wha s like us not each other any...