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21 pm tuesday august 25 2009 a dissertation on the physical properties of electricity today s scientific question is what in the world is electricity and where does it go after it leaves the toaster here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical lesson on a cool dry day scuff your feet along a carpet then reach your hand into a friend s mouth and touch one of his dental fillings did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain this teaches one that electricity can be a very powerful force but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important lesson about electricity it also illustrates how an electrical circuit works when you scuffed your feet you picked up batches of electrons which are very small objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpet so that they will attract dirt the electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger where they form a spark that leaps to your friend s filling then travel down to his feet and back into the carpet thus completing the circuit amazing electronic fact if you scuffed your feet long enough without touching anything you would build up so many electrons that your finger would explode but this is nothing to worry about unless you have carpeting although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights radios mixers etc for granted hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in then along came the first electrical pioneer benjamin franklin who flew a kite in a lightning storm and received a serious electrical shock this proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets but it also damaged franklin s brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims such as a penny saved is a penny earned eventually he had to be given a job running the post office after franklin came a herd of electrical pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology myron volt mary louise amp james watt bob transformer etc these pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments among them galvani discovered this is the truth that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog an electrical current developed and the frog s leg kicked even though it was no longer attached to the frog which was dead anyway galvani s discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine today skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed implant pieces of metal in its muscles and watch it hop back into the pond almost but the greatest electrical pioneer of them all was thomas edison who was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and lived in new jersey edison s first major invention in 1877 was the phonograph which could soon be found in thousands of american homes where it basically sat until 1923 when the record was invented but edison s greatest achievement came in 1879 when he invented the electric company edison s design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer then immediately gets the electricity back through another wire then this is the brilliant part sends it right back to the customer again this means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught since very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely in fact the last year any new electricity was generated was 1937 today thanks to men like edison and franklin and frogs like galvani s we receive almost unlimited benefits from electricity for example in the past decade scientists have developed the laser an electronic appliance so powerful that it can vaporize a bulldozer 2000 yards away yet so precise that doctors can use it to perform delicate operations to the human eyeball provided they remember to change the power setting from bulldozer to eyeball labels benjamin franklin electric charge electricity joke posted by a at 4 13 pm friday december 19 2008 a christmas story for people having a bad day when four of santa s elves got sick the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones and santa began to feel the pre christmas pressure then mrs claus told santa her mother was coming to visit which stressed santa even more when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where then when he began to load the sleigh one of the floorboards cracked the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered frustrated santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum when he went to the cupboard he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor in his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider jug and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor he went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom just then the doorbell rang and irritated santa marched to the door yanked it open and there stood a little angel with a great big christmas tree the angel said very cheerfully merry christmas santa isn t this a lovely day i have a beautiful tree for you where would you like me to stick it and so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the christmas tree posted by a at 5 12 pm friday december 02 2005 investment tips for 2006 for all of you with any money left in the wake of the exxon mobil deal and the aol time warner implosion and the sears k mart wedding be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some big bucks watch for these consolidations in the coming new year 1 hale business systems mary kay cosmetics fuller brush and w r grace company will merge and become hale mary fuller grace 2 polygram records warner brothers and zesta crackers join forces and become poly warner cracker 3 3m will merge with goodyear and issue forth as mmmgood 4 zippo manufacturing audi motors dofasco and dakota mining will merge and become zipaudidoda 5 fedex is expected to join its major competitor ups and become fedup 6 fairchild electronics and honeywell computers will become fairwell honeychild 7 grey poupon and docker pants are expected to become poupon pants 8 knotts berry farm and the national organization of women will become knottnow 9 victoria s secret and smith wesson will merge under the new name titty titty bang bang posted by a at 11 42 am friday october 21 2005 god does not want 16 kids arkansas mom gives birth to a whole freakin baseball team how deeply should you cringe by mark morford sf gate columnist who are you to judge who are you to say that the more than slightly creepy 39 year old woman from arkansas who just gave birth to her 16th child yes that s right 16 kids and try not to cringe in phantom vaginal pain when you say it who are you to say michelle duggar is not more than a little unhinged and sad and lost and furthermore who are you to suggest that her equally troubling husband whose name is of course jim bob and he s hankerin to be a republican senator and try not to wince in sociopolitical pain when you say that isn t more than a little numb to the real world and that bringing 16 hungry mewling attention deprived kids and she wants more yay into this exhausted world zips right by touching and races right past disturbing and lurches its way heaving and gasping and sweating from the karmic armpits straight into oh my god what the hell is wrong with you people read the rest of the story here god does not want 16 kids posted by a at 12 54 pm friday august 26 2005 great headlines signs something went wrong in jet crash expert says no really police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers now that s taking things a bit far panda mating fails veterinarian takes over what a guy miners refuse to work after death no good for nothin lazy so and sos juvenile court to try shooting defendant see if that works any better than a fair trial war dims hope for peace i can see where it might have that effect if strike isn t settled quickly it may last awhile you think cold wave linked to temperatures who would have thought enfield london couple slain police suspect homicide they may be on to something red tape holds up new bridges you mean there s something stronger than duct tape man struck by lightning faces battery charge he probably is the battery charge new study of obesity looks for larger test group weren t they fat enough astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft that s what he gets for eating those beans most kids make nutritious snacks taste like chicken local high school dropouts cut in half chainsaw massacre all over again hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors boy are they tall and the winner is typhoon rips through cemetery hundreds dead did i read that sign right in an office toilet out of order please use floor below in a laundromat automatic washing machines please remove all your clothes when the light goes out in a london department store bargain basement upstairs in an office would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken in an office after tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board outside a secondhand shop we exchange anything bicycles washing machines etc why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain notice in health food shop window closed due to illness spotted in a safari park elephants please stay in your car seen during a conference for anyone who has children and doesn t know it there is a day care on the 1st floor notice in a farmer s field the farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free but the bull charges on a repair shop door we can repair anything please knock hard on the door the bell doesn t work posted by a at 3 45 pm friday july 15 2005 the poodle and the leopard cuddles was an aged poodle who got lost in a game reserve wandering about she notices a leopard heading in her direction with the intention of having lunch the old poodle thinks oh oh i m in deep doo doo now noticing some bones on the ground close by she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly boy that was one delicious leopard i wonder if there are any more around here hearing this the young leopard halts his attack in mid strike terror overcomes him and he slinks away into the trees whew says the leopard that was close that old poodle nearly had me meanwhile a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard in the future so off he goes but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up the monkey soon catches up with the leopard spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard the young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says here monkey hop on my back and see what s going to happen to that conniving canine now the old poodle sees the leopard coming back with the monkey on his back and thinks what am i going to do now but instead of running the dog sits down with her back to her attackers pretending she hasn t seen them yet and just when they get close enough to hear the old poodle says where s that damn monkey i sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard moral of this story don t mess with old farts age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience posted by a at 10 27 am friday july 01 2005 female humour god may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece women s revenge cash check or charge i asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase as she fumbled for her wallet i noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse so do you always carry your tv remote i asked no she replied but my husband refused to come shopping with me and i figured this was the most evil thing i could do to him legally understanding women a man s perspective i know i m not going to understand women i ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh rip the hair out by the root and still be afraid of a spider marriage seminar while attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication tom and his wife grace listened to the instructor it is essential that husbands and wives know each other s likes and dislikes he addressed the man can you name your wife s favorite flower tom leaned over touched his wife s arm gently and whispered it s pillsbury isn t it wife vs husband a couple drove down a country road for several miles not saying a word an earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position as they passed a barnyard of mules goats and pigs the husband asked sarcastically relatives of yours yep the wife replied in laws w o r d s a husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day 30 000 to a man s 15 000 the wife replied the reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men the husband then turned to his wife and asked what creation a man said to his wife one day i don t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time the wife responded allow me to explain god made me beautiful so you would be attracted tome god made me stupid so i would be attracted to you who does what a man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning the wife said you should do it because you get up first and then we don t have to wait as long to get our coffee the husband said you are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it because that is your job and i can just wait for my coffee wife replies no you should do it and besides it is in the bible that the man should do the coffee husband replies i can t believe that show me so she fetched the bible and opened the new testament and showed him at the top of several pages that it indeed says hebrews the silent treatment a man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5 00 am for an early morning business flight not wanting to be the first to break the silence and lose he wrote on a piece of paper please wake me at 5 00 am he left it where he knew she would find it the next morning the man woke up only to discover it was 9 00 am and he had missed his flight furious he was about to go and see why his wife hadn t wakened him when he noticed a pie...