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child from her mother i don t believe it s god s will i believe it s part of residing here on earth which is full of so much pain but also full of so much joy and beauty and love i believe that because it happened god will use it for good somehow that s just what i believe i don t claim to have the answers though i will find out for sure someday when i m reunited with jonas on the subject of grief it s so complex raw grief is the worst those first few months when you wonder if you ll ever stop crying every time you take a shower you burst into tears at the thought of what just happened to you did this really happen is this really my life it wasn t supposed to happen to me why didn t the doctors see anything could this have been prevented if only if only maybe it s my fault maybe it s something i ate why why why it wasn t my fault it wasn t something i ate yes that horrible raw grief is the most difficult and then the grief changes into something different for me it was a sort of peaceful depression mixed with crazy hormones that are trying to get back to normal the world spins around and around and all you see are babies and pregnant women movies are full of everything that makes you sad your arms are empty you find yourself comforting those who are trying to comfort you no one knows what to say and you don t know what to say back sometimes silence and a hug is the best response it is by far one of the worst things a person will go through and i hate that someone else has to experience it my heart breaks when i hear about another angel it s so sad and all i can do is pray my heart out not only are you grieving planning a funeral and burying your child but you are also a post partum woman anyone who s had a baby knows that it takes time for a woman s body to heal after giving birth your body knows you just had a baby and kicks into full gear producing milk and going through hormone changes to put it lightly it s not fun the good news there is healing lots of ways to heal too what would i have done without my family and friends especially my mom she listened to me burst into tears while talking on the phone she listened and still does to all my woes and angry venting i was hurt by well intentioned people during that awful time and my mom listened when i felt like i couldn t share with anyone else i can t imagine her pain as well the loss of a grandchild is also something that no one should experience as cliche as it may sound i can t imagine how i would have gotten through that time without god by my side i remember feeling a sense of peace as we drove to the hospital to give birth to my son knowing fully well that he would not be coming back home with me it s during those dark times that you really understand that there s someone greater looking after you something bigger full of perfect love time has healed and is still healing my own wounds it s been 2 and a half years for me and i look back at that time in my life and my heart hurts because i remember vividly how dark my life felt as the years keep coming though life gets brighter and brighter i wish only the best for this family as they grieve i hope the journey is smooth and bright i hope they feel peace along the way and seek out family and friends to get them through sending loving thoughts and prayers their way posted by brittney at 1 20 pm no comments thursday may 5 2011 long overdue i ve been meaning to write for awhile now so here i am finally getting a small window of opportunity to do so i ve been very sick and in the middle of relocating across the city so things have been eventful i ve been wanting to share some photos of jonas 2nd birthday it was a windy day but a peaceful one this was julien s first year celebrating his big brother s birthday this year on easter we tried to tell josiah about the death of jesus on the cross but how the heck do you explain that to an almost 4 year old well this was his response he said jesus died like jonas died jonas is in heaven and jesus is in heaven so maybe he s starting to understand i ve always been worried about how to explain jonas to the boys josiah is just now getting old enough to understand that he has a third brother who is a baby and who died telling julien will be a different situation he won t realize until he s much older that he probably wouldn t be here if jonas had not passed away i hope he doesn t feel pain when he thinks about that i hope he realizes that there s a reason for his life that s the only thing that kept me sane while pregnant with him i love him so much i try not to dwell on the what ifs because life is what it is and i m here right now raising two beautiful boys it s an important calling i d like to get this book for julien it looks perfect for this situation posted by brittney at 8 20 pm 2 comments saturday march 12 2011 happy birthday 2 year old happy birthday jonas i wonder what you would be like as a 2 year old walking of course talking a lot maybe some terrible two ness you would be so cute and you d probably be picking on your older brother a lot i m sure you two would fight but that s what brothers do i can t believe it s been 2 years last year on your birthday i told you that you were going to be a big brother you were a wonderful guardian angel and now julien is here being a cute little chubby baby like you would have been he is excited to celebrate your birthday for the first time we ll be going out to the cemetery soon to release balloons and give you a few other gifts we love you so much we always think of you we ll always be a family of 5 not 4 happy birthday sweet little boy love mommy daddy josiah and julien posted by brittney at 10 58 am 1 comment friday february 18 2011 it s that time of year again february means that march is quickly arriving march means that my baby jonas will turn 2 on the 12th it really came up quick i ve been so busy with the new baby that i hadn t even thought about this sad day coming up which might be a good thing last year i dreaded it for months and months this year i have my new blessing julien to help get me through that entire week the 11th will always be the most painful day because that s when i found out last year jonas birthday was a very peaceful day so i anticipate that every year will be peaceful it used to be that seeing babies made me sad after i lost jonas but now when i see a 2 year old i still feel a slight pain in my heart sometimes i don t even think about it but other times i can t help but think that jonas would be that tall and that terrible i know that with each passing year the hole in my heart grows smaller and smaller i don t think it will ever be gone for good but just not as evident like i ve said before julien brought with him so much joy and peace for our family i see both josiah and jonas in him i look at his face and thank god for bringing him here safely i don t take him for granted whenever he cries a lot and i get a bit frustrated like any mother does i quickly retract those feelings and enjoy hearing the sound of a baby crying sometimes we slip up and call julien jonas sometimes we call him josiah my dad still calls my sister brianna brittney and vice versa it s kind of funny julien is about to outgrow all of jonas baby clothes at first i felt weird about dressing him in jonas clothes that he never got to wear but julien also wears josiah s old baby clothes and i don t want to have painful memories associated with clothes now i will remember julien wearing them recently i read the book heaven is for real it s a book of the accounts of a little boy who says he went to heaven during a life saving surgery i don t want to ruin it for anyone who plans on reading it so stop reading this if you plan to the boy s mother had a miscarriage before she had him he didn t know this but told his parents that he met his sister in heaven and she kept hugging him she told him that she couldn t wait for their parents to arrive in heaven so she could be with them i couldn t help but feel so much joy reading that if it s true for them then it s true for us jonas is anticipating our arrival that means that he is probably spending time with our relatives who have already passed away i haven t written in awhile for obvious reasons julien will be 4 months old already in march life is good right now next month will be difficult but it must come and go like it did last year and like it will forever posted by brittney at 2 16 pm no comments tuesday november 30 2010 life is good it really is sure i ve been experiencing some major hormonal shifts right now but that s a natural part of the postpartum period the first month after having a baby is not fun as far as how my body feels but it has almost been a month since julien arrived and that means things are quickly going back to normal a new normal that is no more anxious thoughts about being pregnant and no more poking obsessively at my baby to feel movement it s freeing of course i still worry about my baby s safety and we constantly check to make sure he s breathing but i think that s a normal new parent thing to do julien is very healthy and is gaining lots of weight he was born 8 lbs 3 oz but went down to 7 lbs at his checkup a few days after birth then two weeks later he was at 8 and a half lbs so he s doing very well during the thanksgiving weekend we went to sidney and stopped by the cemetery to visit jonas it was a quick visit and i didn t bring anything for him i felt a little guilty about that but it s harder to do those things with a new baby my mind is all over the place lately but of course i m sure he s forgiving in a few years my boys will be able to pick something out to bring to their brother i think they will enjoy doing that for holidays birthdays josiah loves his new brother at first he was a little confused and sometimes called him jonas but now he s beginning to understand that the painting on our wall is jonas and this baby is julien i don t think he ll fully understand for a few years though whenever we drive by a cemetery he always says look at all these jonases haha it s cute and funny seeing how a 3 year old understands things well baby calls so i ve got to wrap this up quickly i m not sure what direction this blog will be heading in it is still meant for jonas so i will focus on him as much as i can posted by brittney at 12 21 pm 1 comment wednesday november 10 2010 jonas is a big brother well he s here born november 4th at 9 18 pm weighing 8 lbs 3 oz and measuring 20 inches he s absolutely perfect and we can t stop staring at him he s got light brown hair my first brunette baby we ll see if it stays brown his eyes could possibly turn hazel like zac s he s so beautiful the labor birth of julien was very long and traumatic at the end everyone expected him to come quickly since he s my third things progressed slowly even though i demanded to be able to get up and walk around and move through the labor that s what helped things go smoothly and easily with jonas so i knew i had to have that again i did move a lot but i was still uncomfortable it was a typical hospital birth hooked up to tubes and monitors and looking like a sick patient i kept saying over and over that this is just wrong births weren t meant to be this way i just wanted him here though so i was willing to do anything i was induced slowly wednesday night and was even having regular contractions before they started anything but we found out later that julien s head was laying sideways against the cervix so only part of it was dilating that s why it was taking so long when i was about 8 cm the nurses became frantic and were calling people in julien s heartrate was dropping after each contraction they said it wasn t too serious as long as it didn t keep happening well it did keep dropping and so they actually refilled the amniotic fluid inside me which had broken earlier that afternoon they wanted to keep him suspended so it would help the heart rate somehow i m so glad i refused to have them break the water first thing that morning knowledge is power and i knew that rupturing the membranes could possibly slow things down and in my case julien could have been in further danger then they attached a heart monitor to his head so they could get a more accurate reading it began dropping lower and lower and they were panicking and started moving me around onto my sides trying to get it up again zac and i were unbelievably terrified they put an oxygen mask on me i came close to hyperventilating out of fear the sound of julien s heart slowing down to almost silence was the worst thing i ve ever heard with one exception the silence i heard on the heart monitor when they were searching for jonas heartbeat i prayed and prayed and kept begging god don t do this to us this was supposed to be a safe and uneventful birth but god doesn t do things like this to us that s another topic though i begged the nurse to do a c section get him out of me i was about 9 cm and so very close which is why i think they were waiting i didn t care though i prayed that i would feel the urge to push and god answered me i felt julien descending and began to push i pushed so hard that i almost passed out i wanted him out now because his life depended on it finally he was born and when they put him on my chest i cried out with joy joy it s something i haven t truly felt in awhile it s been almost 2 weeks since he arrived even though the date of this post says the 10th it has taken me awhile to get this written out he is melting my heart breastfeeding has gone fairly well besides the initial pain that comes with it he has made it way easier on me than josiah did he has such a happy look on his face and doesn t cry too often not that crying is bad or anything but this baby seems very peaceful knock on wood of course it is only the second week so we ll see how it goes giving birth again definitely brought back many emotions and memories of jonas it s those little things that i remember the smell of witch hazel pads will always remind me of birth it has always made me feel sad but i m hoping i can now find peace in the memories of all three of my sons births i feel sad thinking that jonas never got a chance at life besides the 9 months i carried him but then i feel peaceful knowing that he was only making room for julien s arrival i see both josiah and jonas in julien s face he definitely has his own distinct features though different from the other two he s beautiful he is the perfect gift from god i will never be able to say that the hole in my heart has been filled if jonas were here it d be filled that can never happen though but i can say that god has overflowed the rest of my heart with so much joy and love by bringing this baby here safely i will always feel sad when i think of my baby boy who was too beautiful for earth his coming and going has shaped me into the person i was meant to be but so has the births of josiah and jul...