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bitoftime finding time for the things i enjoy menu skip to content home me and my life baking and cooking yarn and needlework writing writing 101 about search search for is lonely really lonely november 7 2019 november 7 2019 justabitoftime leave a comment it s interesting the cycles people go through it s been so long since i wrote anything blog or otherwise unless it was homework yes i ve been doing that i started working as casual call in support staff for the school division here that s really just a long way of saying i m a substitute but not a teacher i do education assistant coverage and library coverage in a variety of schools from k 12 it s mostly fun and sometimes a little tedious at least the ea part of it is i enjoy the times when the job is academic support and don t always enjoy when the job is behaviour support but it gets me out of the house into settings where there are other adults and brings in a bit of extra cash which is always worth it the library is just fun most especially in the elementary schools i love reading to the little kiddos and having them react and interact sometimes their comments go off track but i prefer to have them verbally engaged than to just sit there expected not to say anything at all i also love the organization in a library and the ritualistic structure of checking books out and checking books in i love the way it s visited by every student at some point during the week i enjoy engaging aspiring readers by finding books suited to their interests or by bringing their attention to other topics the list goes on i m never unhappy subbing in the library so this is why i have homework i am taking a library operations certificate online it s considered a 2 year program consisting of 6 required and 3 elective courses with a maximum completion limit of 5 years i began in march of this year and right now i m taking my 3rd and 4th courses this is something that i have committed to doing for myself throughout my life i ve been super bad at finishing things i get bored mostly because i find most things quite easy and i ve never been pushed to try anything more challenging so i suppose my challenge will be to push myself i have grand imaginings of completing a bachelor s degree in general studies i have a lot of this and that at college level and perhaps going on to complete a master s in library sciences but i know that if i set such lofty goals for myself this early on i ll just feel sad and disappointed if things don t end up working out so for now subbing in the libraries keeps that ember of interest alive for me and my goal is to complete the certificate this is where lonely comes into play i sit here in my house where it s quiet and mostly clean winter has set in here and there are several centimetres of snow on the ground it s 7c outside at 10 am and the colder nights have frozen the pond it s beautiful but the snow makes me feel housebound even though i am not i am sitting on the couch my laptop in front of me and have just finished my second cup of really good coffee homework time right sure except i get through three pages of extremely dry reading and begin to feel sad moody bored i m not sure i turn on the tv so that i can have some background noise and that helps a lot but i still feel the need to fill the empty room with my thoughts and so here i am writing to the anonymous void with no guarantee that anyone will read what i wrote or relate even if they read this but that doesn t matter just the act of writing out my thoughts and trying to give voice and circumstance to this uneasy ish feeling is all it takes for me to be able to feel lighter less lonely sometimes it s crocheting or cross stitching sometimes it s reading or baking sometimes it s playing a video game today it s writing that s what i need i m not really lonely i have been out of my house and among enjoyable people more than i ve been home this last week i ve got a cleaner house this week than i do many times the laundry is nearly done in the last month i have accomplished much by my standards and i do have people to talk to if i needed to but i don t need to talk about anything that would make even decent conversation i just need to blab i am free to talk all i want here in my space my depository of random thoughts here i find that this lonely that i feel is not actually lonely this feeling that i am lonely because there is no one to talk to in this moment is not actually loneliness really it s weight my thoughts may not be deep but when i started this rambling post they felt heavy and now i feel lighter so thanks to all of you who read this or just to the void i ve cycled back to writing and now i remember how freeing it feels j share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook like loading resilience march 2 2016 justabitoftime leave a comment taken at horne lake provincial park on vancouver island bc in 2007 share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook like loading out my window march 1 2016 march 1 2016 justabitoftime leave a comment just a few wildlife pics taken out my window where i used to live share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook like loading our girls february 29 2016 march 1 2016 justabitoftime leave a comment because i can t be outnumbered by the boys our cat and two dogs are female actually it just kind of worked out that way share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook like loading out in nature february 28 2016 february 28 2016 justabitoftime leave a comment just thought i d share a few pictures taken around my acreage as winter was descending upon us these are taken with my phone and only enhanced with windows10 tools but i think they re pretty i especially like the contrast of ice against green needles share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook like loading birthday february 27 2016 february 27 2016 justabitoftime leave a comment my little one turned 5 today he asked for a dark forest cake so i made him one he likes the cherries he asked where the trees were which made me chuckle then my facebook memories thingy was a picture of him on his first birthday with the remains of a black forest cake smeared across his face and high chair it made me wonder how many birthdays i have made it for him i suspect all of them with the exception of last year when he wanted blueberry instead of cherry i love traditions that start without any effort share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook like loading lying there february 26 2016 february 26 2016 justabitoftime leave a comment i see her lying there silver gray roots showing growing after shades of black and mahogany dyes an attempt to look younger i see her lying there breathing rapidly shallowly her shrunken face pinched in pain and discomfort wringing her liver spotted hands looking ancient and worried i see her lying there covered in sweater and blanket cold despite the tropical heat everything about her is old her mind her body her voice everything except her watch i hear her lying there gasping each time she s forced to let that stale air out of her lungs complaining now of the heat groaning rolling and flinging a hand dramatically to her forehead and face i hear her lying there talking alone about times and people long past asking about the people who care for her wondering where they are and when they ll came shaking her head and muttering softly asking why why does this happen to me written by a young me september 2 1996 this was written about my grandma for all intents and purposes that s who she was one day when she was sick she was in her nineties at the time i haven t read this in quite some time but right now i can actually picture her that day it really does take me back share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook like loading life endures short fiction february 26 2016 february 26 2016 justabitoftime leave a comment she was right as she usually was my wife had dragged me out for a walk in the park claiming the fresh air would do me some good it had been a month since my nanoo died and i d spent the majority of it sorting out funeral arrangements and estate legalities i d also had to pack up her house it was the same house she d lived in for sixty years the same house she moved to when she married my gopa it was the same house i d lived in since my parents had been killed when i was eight i remember sitting at nanoo s feet with my head in her lap while she stroked my hair we were both sobbing she silently and me not she took a sweater my dad had left off the back of the flowered couch and draped it over my shoulders shielding me from the chill it had smelled like him and my heart had jumped for a minute thinking that day had all been a horrible dream but it hadn t and nanoo and gopa had been my parents since that day i had loved them fiercely the day my gopa died had been the second worst of my existence but even at eighty nanoo refused to leave her house my wife and i had wanted her to come live with us but she had been adamant newlyweds needed their own space a severe chest infection courtesy of a late spring cold took her little more than a year after gopa so many people whispered that she just didn t want to live without him and i supposed that was true it soothed me to think of them together again in whatever afterlife there was i packed up the red sweater last week it was in a box of my father s things stored in the attic nanoo kept a lot of things of my parents that i never thought to ask about maybe that s why she never brought them out or maybe she forgot also the antique silver comb and mirror were on my wife s vanity now along with a few pieces of jewellery belonging to my mother there was also a blanket i vaguely remember being rocked in as a toddler and the rocking chair my mother had used that had brought back snippets of an old lullaby notes that were now stuck in my head forever my wife had insisted on keeping the blanket and the rocker and had tucked them away in the spare room we d have kids one day she said and i hadn t argued it was another thought that soothed me i became aware of my surroundings again when my wife laid her head on my shoulder the buds of spring were fading now and we walked in a sultry summer evening on a bench just ahead i spotted an older woman and the splash of red and glint of knitting needles caught my eye she held her project up looking at it critically and i realized she was nearly done a tiny sweater tears welled up unbidden the first i d allowed myself since nanoo had died i don t think that i would ever understand what my husband was going through i had never lost anyone close to me except for him i had never been as close to anyone as he had been to his grandparents the warmth of the relationship they shared was evident the first time i d met them during christmas break in grade 12 he called them nanoo and gopa with the same affection that a toddler would call mommy or daddy there was none of the strife i so often experienced with my parents none of the bitterness or teenaged disrespect and absolutely no embarrassment when he was kissed or cuddled or scolded he was utterly kind and his love was returned in full measure i knew i wanted to marry him after witnessing that we d gone through university together finally saying i do a couple years later we d settled into an apartment of our own just two bedrooms and saw his grandparents several times a week we were close he was devastated when his grandpa died and doubly so when his grandma followed so soon i m sure we ve all heard the term died of a broken heart but i hadn t truly believed it until she passed away she always had a smile for us a kind word little tidbits of advice or snippets of gossip but the glow slowly left her cheeks and the sparkle faded from her eyes i don t think we truly realized just how fragile she was until she got sick that s when i realized how heartbroken she was her husband s death was one she could not bounce back from perhaps if it had happened when she was younger or when she was still raising children she would have persevered but with all her earthly responsibilities fulfilled the loss of her life mate was insurmountable i watched my husband struggle to stay strong as he dealt with all the details of death he had taken some time off work but his grandparents had not raised an idle child and he did not do well sitting around eventually every notice had been sent every bill paid every box packed he would go back to the office in a couple days and i still wanted to talk to him maybe i could bring some light into his gloomy day the afternoon was perfect the sky was not clear but the clouds hung low on the horizon they would add colour as the sun set there was still plenty of light left though and the temperature was on the comfortable side of hot i thought about the secret resting between my hips and smiled my husband would have noticed a missed period at any other time but he had been understandably distracted this month as we rounded a bend in the path i noticed an elderly lady knitting on a park bench every so often she would stop put down her needles and look around her with a smile and a deep breath she looked utterly peaceful her task was neither hurried nor burdensome but clearly a labour of love i saw it was a little sweater made for a child and my smile bloomed once again i stumbled when my husband stopped abruptly and turned to watch him break down into tears his grief stricken eyes were trained on the very scene that made me smile i m not sure why that made him cry but it was the first time he had wept since his grandma died perhaps now was not the best time to tell him we would soon be parents after all i rested my hands in my lap letting my grip on the knitting needles loosen the red yarn was still caught in my fingers pulling up from the canvas bag at my feet after a moment i held up my project to look at it the light of the day would fade soon but i was nearly done nearly this would be the last baby sweater that i would make i had knitted one little red cardigan for each of my great grandchildren and this would be the last one my children s children were great planners and they had ensured there would be no more children in this generation i would not be alive to see the next one and i was at peace with that i hoped that one of these little sweaters would survive where i would not share this share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook like loading blooming february 25 2016 justabitoftime leave a comment and through the gloom of the misty night the sun rose stretching upon a distant hill the dew shimmered softly like a thousand diamonds ...