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Text of the page (random words):
10 15 214 5 this morning 8 29 15 209 this morning friday february 5 2016 fading away so it is no secret to those close to me that i have been struggling lately as a christian wife and mother business owner and all around person i am struggling i say often to my husband i am not okay and i do not know how to be okay now before we get any farther blogging has always been for me anyone can read it but it is for myself please understand this before following along with me any farther life just doesn t seem to have the same purpose it once did friends have back away family think we are crazy or backsliden and have backed away the people that we would expect to have supported us no matter what are the ones that have hurt the most we do not ask or require much but love our kids love us we are committed to serving god wherever he puts us in the newly wed state we were able to help with the youth ministry in our first church one that my handsome attended when he was a young boy a short time later he was able to be interim pastor in a small little church for a few months in between pastors after that time was over we went back to helping in the our first church until we received the call for handsome to consider being associate pastor at a church about 80 miles away this would require a move though he would continue working in our current town so he drove 80 miles one way 4 5 days a week plus had his pastoral duties to fulfill we appreciate the opportunity that god gave us to be used in this time it was during this time that we also realized i wasn t going to be able to carry pregnancies to full term and that adoption was difficult and expensive it was here also that i realized i had poly cystic ovary syndrome a terrible thing that has happened to me that is responsible for my difficulty to become pregnant to stay pregnant and to maintain a healthy weight anyway while we were in this little church was when i started to see that just because a person was a christian didn t mean they could be trusted nor did it mean that they would really keep their word it really started to take my desire to serve away but my heart was still fixed on jesus it just didn t always want to serve among other people i saw lies and manipulation like i had never known small town girl was raised by parents to love on others and give the benefit of the doubt this wasn t always wise to be doing as i was learning after 3 years and 3 miscarriages we were asked to move again this time 5 hours farther west and to an unpaid position of service in a local church that was struggling my handsome was able to find an electrical job in the new town and we purchased land in a nearby city to build our home we lived in the basement of the church for a time while the house was being built during this time a christian man was building our home and the church had asked their pastor to leave and asked my husband to be the pastor unfortunately was answered yes too quickly before really giving it proper time of prayer he was officially the pastor of the church in some areas this was a blessing we had the parsonage to live in the christian businessman had taken us for a lot of money in building of our home messed it up in several ways and we were forced to sell it rather than live in it because we couldn t afford it with all of the mix ups however in taking this pastorate we also lost a donation that was going to come our way to pay for our eldest daughters adoption the full 27 000 that was raised for it was denied to us because of my husband accepting a call to a pulpit it was heartbreaking to see this happening three months later we received our first foster placement a boy whom was very ill and six days old we would go on to adopt him and he is ours we are so blessed to be his parents but more about him later turns out not even two years later we were given 30 days to vacate the parsonage in the middle of one of the coldest winters on the books and with christmas just 3 weeks away we had two young kids and did not know what we were going to do a bright spot came a christian businessman in town and his wife had a house for sale it was in need of repair but they were willing to allow us to move into it before all the paperwork came through my husband worked his regular job during the day and then would go to the new house all night to get it ready to move into before our 30 days was up it was a very trying time for our family the kids missed their daddy daddy wasn t getting any sleep or very little when he did in the end of this trial we had a home a newfound friend but were without a church and most of any other friends we had made in town at this point in the story i am going to pause and write more in part 2 my husband tells me that we are to find something to be thankful for in every day so i will end my sorrowful posts with something to be thankful for i am thankful for the fact that i was raised by a father who was hard working and encouraged me to work hard but also to love other people and be honest we never knew when we started our journey together on august 10th 2002 that it was going to be so difficult not in the normal ways my husband and myself are very committed to each other and have no thoughts of wanting to be anything but married to eachother where the struggle comes in is where you would least expect it from the beginning of our marriage ministry was very important to us both but it was an easy way to spend time away from eachother for a good reason and before we knew it much of our time was spent apart or together with many other people around don t get me wrong serving god alongside my handsome is one of my favorite things to do but it also is something that satan has used as an easy tool to drive us apart emotionally as well posted by ajh at friday february 05 2016 no comments tuesday august 4 2015 so here i am again pcos is a terrible terrible theif it steals so much from my life i have decided to take my life back in the only way that has been successful in the past the ideal protein diet i did it in 2010 and lost 48 lbs felt great got pregnant and gave birth to a healthy full term baby girl in 2011 fast forward 5 years 2 more miscarriages and my pcos has taken over my eating my weight my health and my cycles or lack thereof which has caused me to be put on 3 different meds and feeling terrible and struggling with depression not extreme but some i started what i am calling myideal2015 yesterday august 3rd i had 64 5 lbs from my initial weigh in to my goal but my real goal is gaining my life back being able to love on my kids more and prayerfully getting and staying pregnant with another healthy full term baby i will check in every week after my weigh in either monday evening or tuesday as my journal to keep me accountable my only complaint so far is of the headache lack of energy and terrible taste of olive oil perks my home scale already moved no heartburn and i slept well last night see you next week posted by ajh at tuesday august 04 2015 no comments monday march 2 2015 tricky dirty wrong first let me apologize for the 4 year hiatus on this space we had our healthy happy stubborn baby girl on march 19 2011 and then 5 months and 5 days later brought our 4th child home from the lonestar state at 10 days old needless to say the last 4 years have been a little crazy we have also continued to have foster children in our home so for the last 3 years we have consistently had 6 children in our home i am coming her today to talk about something that is greatly troubling me today satan he is so tricky and his tricks sometimes are just downright dirty you make a decision according to what you believe god would want you to do but this lion sure tries to make you question your decision and at time make you think you made the wrong one i have always struggled with graphic nasty dreams dreams that are recurring for sometimes years at a time and they are always bold vivid and happening on a regular basis i can think of several that i am so thankful that through prayer with my handsome have went away snake dreams come and go and when i say snake dreams i m not meaning snakes of normal size and nature but snakes that take over the world and eat the people you love the most in horrifying detail but for the last little while i have struggle with a dream that hits me right in a personal insecurity it is a dream i do not really wish to share in fact only one of my daycare moms knows what it is and no one else but there are times that it comes and goes but satan has used a godly conversation with a friend and turned my insecurity of this situation into an awful and heartbreaking recurring dream it affects the way i think about certain situations it causes me to over analyse things it causes me to live in fear and deep down i believe the lie he wants me to believe isn t true i pray it never becomes true but still i wrestle the worst part about it is that i really do not have a close person that i can tell everything to so i am here writing my thoughts my fears my heartbreak on this site not exactly the most friendly welcome back post ever but an honest one for sure posted by ajh at monday march 02 2015 no comments monday february 14 2011 valentines day special 25 off your entire purchase today and today only on the encore website happy valentines day posted by ajh at monday february 14 2011 no comments labels encore tuesday january 18 2011 a quote and my thoughts one woman will brag about her children while another complains about hers they could probably swap children without swapping tunes i found this quote without author noted and it really hit home to me i have always tried very hard not to sound like a mother complaining about my children have i failed yes but i try each day to be only thankful for my children and where we are do i complain about other things more than i should but why would i complain about one of the top three most amazing gifts god has blessed me with i know many women who have very little good to say about being a mother or sharing the experience with their spouse is being a mother hard yes it is probably one of the most difficult hats i have to wear but it is amazing and i find it amazing how god has pieced our family together in his most perfect way now i know i have complained of situations before but what do you hear fairly new mothers complain about out of the gates i am so tired this child wakes up for nightly feedings and i cannot sleep i always found the night time feedings a blessing the house is quiet the lights are dim and there are no distractions and absolutely nothing else for me to be doing but feeding that precious baby i find this true of all my babies even our foster babies i have never minded getting up for that precious bonding time no matter what the hour changing diapers is for the birds those blow outs are the worst here i do tend to say that it isn t the most pleasant thing in the world to do but having two children that struggled to go stinky more than once a week as little ones i was always relieved when they would go no matter how the outcome showed itself pleasant no but you had to know this was bound to happen when you started thinking about having children these are just a couple of things that i hear often even at baby showers when the blissful expectant mother is getting advise from the already experienced parents it makes me sad that such things have to be brought into that precious happiness that expecting your first baby brings now i am getting to experience a new level of parenthood both of my children to this point are adopted because i was pre menopausal however you spell it and would not have any children after our 4th miscarriage god prooved himself to be still in the miracle business when in august of 2010 we discovered we were expecting as i sit here now we are at 29 weeks and still doing well you hear many women with a vast number of complaints about pregnancy here is another place i try very hard not to complain this is a blessing i know many people that would do almost anything to be in the state i am in right now they wouldn t be caring about how much the scale has changed in 7 months or that they waddle everywhere they walk or they are not sleeping all the way through the night or that they cannot fit into normal clothing or how uncomfortable they are or all the other things you often hear from pregnant women here again i have tried very hard to not complain have i failed most likely but my desire is to be thankful for this pregnancy that god has blessed me with it has been exciting to get to experience the amazingness of a baby growing inside of my womb and feeling the kicks and while my pregnancy hasn t been a bed of roses even that has been somewhat exciting we have had something like 7 ultrasounds since 6 weeks 5 days and our last being just two weeks ago i get to have at least one more before she is born too so going back to that quote what kind of a mother do you want to be if i were to constantly complain about my children now that they are 4 years old they would be hearing that and what would that do to them not only that but what does it do to the people you are complaining to do they have children of their own do they not are they having trouble having children and are sitting there thinking lady if only you knew how much i would love to take your children off your hands and love on them because of what they have been through our words strike farther than we think sometimes and when dealing with such a precious gift as children we need to watch what we say not only for ourselves but for our children and people around us posted by ajh at tuesday january 18 2011 1 comment wednesday november 10 2010 countdown i know it is crazy to think about but on saturday just 3 days away we will be at 20 weeks half way through this pregnancy this ultrasound was a week and a half ago and grasshopper was in a very strange and uncomfortable looking position but just as big as the half way point is the fact that in 7 seven days we will have are big ultrasound and hopefully will know if we should plan pink or blue this seems like it might really happen we are thankful and trusting god posted by ajh at wednesday november 10 2010 no comments thursday august 26 2010 a blessing we had our second ultrasound today two weeks ago grasshopper measured 6 weeks and 2 days with a heartbeat of 128 that put our due date at april 5th 2011 today i went in nervous with our history it just doesn t seem possible that we might have a great pregnancy with a full term healthy baby but the doctor today said while anything can happen she didn t see any reason to worry at this point grasshopper measured 8 weeks and 5 days today with a heartbeat of 180 what a blessing it was i was able to hear the heartbeat and see grasshoppers little heart beating on the screen by way of a small little flicker i am slightly more excited now but...