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Text of the page (random words):
ing posted in narcissistic neanderthal tagged writing morse code april 19 2020 can t curse on paper leave a comment the patterns you should know them by now flickering lanterns against grey a furrowed brow there is something to be said of the way my heart sinks like it s never known air pulling pulling until my whole chest caves in it would help to know why or to know when how it does it like it s spent centuries eons practising like it knows to do this better than it knows to beat like it d rather be doing this than going lub dub lub dub dub nothing sets it off or everything does songs echoes words untrue and borne of pure imagination words that are anything but you d think my lungs would float but all they know is moss seemingly collecting the anchors of a thousand ships safely within their walls waiting only for a signal to fling themselves out into murky depths i will not be able to find my way out of my eyes do not burn underwater i m sure there was a time they did but i cannot remember it an implosion muted a few weeks ago then again last week and now and next month and forever would the vacuum created suck everything else in too it would just help to know why sincerely simran i have awaken once again from my unannounced slumber i don t know if people still read this but if you do i m very grateful and i hope you re staying safe spread the love share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest like loading posted in narcissistic neanderthal tagged crumbling moons dread feelz journal patterns sadandrad2k20 writing if love and hate are the same i love me so november 4 2019 can t curse on paper 2 comments i m going to say some things and it s going to be uncomfortable but it s also mostly going to be true so bear with me i try to be a good person mostly but i don t think i like myself very much so full of resentment so petty so callous and so terrible with dealing with people s feelings some days i think as many as 87 mean thoughts maybe that number isn t the most accurate but i m sure it s close enough and the people never deserve it and then i try to rectify it and feel like an absolute fake bitxh like in high school when a few people said that s what i was that the politeness was a facade and i only did anything i did so people would like me and it was easy enough to laugh it off in front of them but it has always stayed so in college i thought maybe i d adjust maybe a little more sarcasm and a little less apologizing and then maybe people would think i m more genuine for someone who claims to not care what anybody thinks of her i sure know to agonize over every little thing that has ever been said it s hard to tell people i m being myself when i m not very sure what that is to begin with i think i surround myself with people i ve convinced i m good so i can coast off of their adoration and never have to actually become good i complain too much sometimes when someone does something shitty i don t confront them about it and instead vilify them to someone else which isn t right i shouldn t be talking about them behind their back but i do it anyway sometimes i think nobody really thinks i m a good person i m constantly messing up i get impatient with my younger siblings when all they want to do is spend a little time and i can hear myself being an absolutely ugly goblin to them but i can t seem to help myself some sick pleasure off of furthering my misery like yes you deserve this you re making them feel terrible and you should suffer with them when i was in the 5th grade me and my cousin bullied a classmate of hers and at the time i thought it was okay because she used to bully my younger siblings and was always mean and maybe she deserved it but she went home and cried and her mum called my mum and said she was devastated and i realized i d forgotten she was human too and still only a kid too like all of us and i d never disliked myself as much as i did then it s hard for me to admit to doing that then because it is such a vile thing so hurtful and for no reason i try not to be that person ever again even momentarily and sometimes i think i fail because however much you think someone has wronged you you are never righteous in your maliciousness i don t know if this reads like a 3rd grade moral ethics lesson anyway there is no satisfying conclusion i d just been feeling like a terrible bad person for a while and i d like to not be that spread the love share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest like loading posted in narcissistic neanderthal a broken record august 18 2019 august 18 2019 can t curse on paper 1 comment there s a tangle of crushed up daisies and quickweed i ve got so much time and i know i know and it still doesn t feel like it though some days i fantasize about my heartbeat simply ceasing to exist no fanfare just a gentle petering out almost unnoticeable over the sound of the breeze those are not good days i do not like myself much during them imagine if someone were to know about that you re on the cusp of so many things imagine if someone were to know this is what you think of instead it s bad and it s stupid so i keep it to myself everything is always changing and i can t hear myself think over the roar of all the things changing and i have so much to do do you realize but look for now i can be twenty the cicadas are always screaming even on the not good days and i wonder if they worry about the screaming they will have to do the next day and the ones after that if it ll measure up to the screaming they re doing today if it ll be better or worse i d thought once i stopped being eighteen i would be over worrying about the future and if it ll ever measure up on the not quite bad days my brain feels like it s snuggled in bubblewrap my friends think i m distant on those days but i m not i m not i love them the same and the love is just too much for me that day i do not call my mum on those days either i like the solidity of things when i m not flinging my emotions on to them they will not melt under my anger or shrink under my sadness or disappear under my happy it s a lot calmer in my head those days and i m certain my voice could lull every infant to ever exist into the sweetest of dreams and maybe that sounds wrong i mean i want to love and be loved but some days the not quite bad ones it gets to a little too much and all i want is for myself bubble wrapped smack dab among all the things in my life perfect and i can not change them and i m thankful maybe those days are just a little bit bad those days i have to work and work to stay inside my head or else i ll float i will and no one will know to look for me or even that i ve been gone on those days some times they ask a friend or two or family and i do not try to explain or justify it i don t say anything on those days there s a highlight reel of every time i ve tried to tell them i love you and received no form of recognition which is not their fault i can be fuxking cryptic with these things some days my heart beats too loud and it s the absolute best thing i have ever heard like on mornings i don t have to be anywhere and it s too early for any trace of warmth from celestial bodies so i can breathe a little desultory but skin thrumming with the possibilities like i could write today or paint or learn a new song or a new language it doesn t matter that i haven t had any sleep or that the dark smudges around my eyes make it all too apparent but on days when it rains and the clouds shield everything from even the slightest hint of sunshine and i can wake up past 9 am and still have my skin thrum in the cool i m grateful spread the love share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest like loading posted in narcissistic neanderthal tagged crumbling moons days journal entry mental health writing night blooms get a grip may 13 2019 may 13 2019 can t curse on paper 2 comments your heart you ve discovered has a habit of throwing itself from heights it could never really reach before affection that lingers like the fragrance of the jasmine sweet on the heel that crushed it stumbling in the dark forgetting to ask for forgiveness your lungs mock the air attempting to make its way in you can t sit with us laugh please let it echo across the water stain it bright blue and purple and red closest to your heart inhale they pretend to not know how oh bother sometimes you re so pretty it hurts like gravity gravel rushing at you you poised to smash into it nose first falling and i don t know if you re the love er or the love ee but it s equally devastating either way i do not want to know how it ends even if it s good even if it s bad even if it s only as light as the kisses the dragonfly grants the water or heavy like moonlight across tear streaked sheets like in the movies far away i m saying act pretend they don t taste like the first sip of water at iftaar icy cool lullaby soothing away every wrongdoing you ve been met with or meted out your ribs exist for a reason and maybe cage is too harsh but your heart wasn t built to dangle off of sleeves we ve never been to space but you say it must feel something like this untouchable static get a grip good god anyway this is about me watching all my friends fall in love and make a happy dangerously adorable fool of themselves ah youth the header is my neighbour s tree at night from when i got to go back home this year and the last image is me at my grandpa s at 7 in the morning home alone on the terrace yours can t curse on paper p s was the mean girls ref too obvious or not at all also wordpress has such great new features was colouring every block in too much though spread the love share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest like loading posted in poem poem tagged feels love love lol mean girls reference did you catch it poem swing april 26 2019 can t curse on paper 2 comments 20th october 2018 int a warmly lit restaurant devoid of patrons except for four kids who ve known each other for 17 years laughter rings out shrill as congratulatory high fives are exchanged over suggestive innuendos at the expense of each other they haven t met in a year but it feels like longer it always feels longer customers trickle in and the failed attempts at muffling hysterical cackling increase in number as everybody is brought up to speed with major minor life events but not entirely no one anecdote sees completion another always rushes along on its coattails and you think about how when you were little you used to talk about being at each other s weddings naming each other s kids and that might actually happen it might maybe you ll have these people till the day you die regardless of however many others you find along the way who might stick around too cheeks hurt from smiling so much _______ int childhood bedroom although your younger siblings have taken over now it feels the same like nothing could ever touch you here and time has never existed no obligations except to maybe sleep in the cool dark or cry until you do which is a strange juxtaposition yeah but so have been your teenage years and it s tangible here in this room you won t be a teen the next time you visit it 25th october 2018 ext the local national park the edge of winter so the 7 am sunlight is extremely forgiving cycling it starts off rocky one of you picks it up quickly one s done this before the other two struggle until one eventually gives up and decides to just walk the rest of the way shoving off the others to go on ahead you do so reluctantly until a group of men pass by eyes lingering for too long and then all of you turn right back just to make sure they don t give her any trouble they don t she s been keeping to the walking trails legs ache and bicycle seats have never been comfortable but it s beautiful and cool and you take pictures enough to jog even the faintest of memories for when you ll need to years down the road older and forgetful _______ 12th december 2018 today s an i m the vilest creature in existence kinda day not a drop of liking myself in sight which is fine i know it ll pass but today s a get home 11 hours later and immediately start crying kinda day an i m the greatest inconvenience in this dimension kinda day got a lump in my throat because i can t find the nail trimmer and i told daada i d trim his nails kinda day simran can t curse on paper spread the love share on x opens in new window x share on facebook opens in new window facebook share on tumblr opens in new window tumblr share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest like loading posted in narcissistic neanderthal tagged 2018 friends journal log teen angst testing 1 2 3 december 3 2018 can t curse on paper leave a comment the afternoon sun beats down on the man i can hear yelling from my window pushing his cart which i ve never seen up close except once younger than 9 years old and excited to finally have occasion to do so rushing down stairs i d spent countless evenings imagining to house the vilest of monsters in its hollow banisters whispered into this hollow watched them glow bright and blinding dull their claws and razor teeth on lemon juice secrets sour that reject whatever saccharine relief comes their way some days i d whisper them a story on the way back from school others i d send them messages to deliver to other realms i cannot set foot into yet there was a rumor among the kids that he kept children in the burlap sacks under his cart fed them overripe aubergines and tomatoes until they too turned purple and red for all eternity constantly i tried to poke at the sacks as he weighed out herbs and roots they were empty he smiled toothless told me to run straight back to my mum no detours i told the hollow that i d narrowly escaped capture at the hands of the town orc knew that to be too unkind came back once the guilt got to too much and told them that the orc is friendly and counts out the exact change and that he isn t an orc at all put my ear to the darkness and try to hear if it forgives me it does i tell myself i m not so sure of it anymore on nights i threatened to run away clutching paper souls in my hand i imagine i could melt into this hollow and i d be peaceful i would i could cradle every whisper i ve ever sent into this space hold it close and press warm kisses to its knuckles i have loved for less i love for less still it isn t as fun anymore movies in technicolor and crackling black and white to batter home your beauty i m trying to hear if you ll forgive ...