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ivory on ebony ivory on ebony one musician s pointless journal of practicing performing and everything else friday april 13 2012 the list things that must happen in no particular order in the next 16 days of school 1 learn tomasi trombone concerto 2 finish learning bourgeois trombone concerto 3 finish composing my organ piece 4 finish composing my art song set 5 orchestrate a debussy piano prelude hey the list looks humanly possible i know i can i know i can i know i can posted by sam at 8 44 am no comments sunday april 08 2012 concept of defeat the phrase i can t do this really does have a nice ring to it after the initial objections moral or logical to failure have been overcome the phrase really does just roll off your tongue i can t do this it sounds awful to an overachiever perfectionist or pretty much anyone else who doesn t want to see someone fail miserably but let s face it when i say i can t do this there is a certain amount of relief implied i can t do this it s the ultimate excuse for a slacker at heart it implies 1 i have given up i can t do this i recognize i can t do this so i have an excuse to be lazy i couldn t do it anyway so why bother trying 2 a substitution of can t for won t in other words i ve had enough i refuse to enslave myself for something which cannot be attained 3 outside expectations are unrealistic therefore they are also unimportant and irrelevant i did my best now shut up and don t ask so much of me in the future i hereby reject your unrealistic expectations and substitute something more reasonable 4 don t blame me i tried but it s not physically possible it s not my fault i m sorry but i have absolved myself of guilt and there s nothing you or your expectations can do about it that s what it implies that s the approach that comes with the i can t do this statement not a good approach yes in my humble opinion here s what should happen in terms of attitude 1 i can t do this tough darlin let s try anyway cause it can t hurt 2 what a cop out my dear my dear stop wallowing in self pity yes you may be mentally emotionally and physically exhausted but you can take steps to come much closer to achieving your goal odds are the closer the better 3 everyone else is irrelevant make your own expectations you ll strive harder to reach them if you expect failure you will fail so get to work focusing on improvement nevermind perfection nevermind complete success improve that you can do 4 don t be an idiot you re still culpable if you didn t hit your goal it may not be entirely your own fault but you making excuses certainly hasn t helped responsibility is yours i refuse to admit defeat but it s terribly tempting it would be so easy to just walk up to a few professors tomorrow and say i can t do this i won t because i can do this posted by sam at 10 48 pm no comments wednesday april 04 2012 almost there 23 days of class 115 pages of music to learn 5 organ lessons 4 organ studio classes 4 recitals 1 orchestration project holy week best friend s wedding graduation too bad life isn t a vhs tape i like that fast forwarding feature on your mark get set gone posted by sam at 1 22 pm 1 comment wednesday january 04 2012 i hope burnout isn t contagious i doubt anyone reads this blog anymore in fact in a roundabout way i think i hope that no one reads it this is just me spitting my thoughts out into space sort of a journal but it s out there on the web in the improbable scenario that someone else wants to know what i think or accidentally stumbles across this page because they share some of my issues and or pursuits now that that is said and out of the way here s what s on my mind now i hate music i have one semester left to go before i completely my bachelor s degree and the thought of spending 16 more weeks killing myself to pass my lessons is unbearable i ve been living and breathing music for well probably the last five or six years and the pace has always intensified rather than relaxed at this point i m sick of looking at a keyboard i can t stand my music i don t want to hear another note to analyze i don t care who influenced what how nor do i care why i should know about them it s beyond tiredness though i m definitely tired too it s that my mental capacity for music has been sated and then some in sum i m burned out at least i recognize this and i can deal with it i know that i need a break a complete break from music for at least several months after i finish my degree that s exactly what i ll do hiking biking writing reading and as little practice as possible for oh maybe about six months i know i m still going to go to grad school and i know i m still going to continue my studies in music but in order to do that i have to give myself a little room to breathe and get out of this slump didn t einstein work as a clerk in a patent office after he graduated with a degree in physics i m no einstein but i think i know roughly how he felt one more semester 16 weeks it isn t really that long a time span objectively speaking i ll get through it i m looking forward to getting it over with and i m sure there will be a few spots in the semester that are absolutely wonderful but i know quite well it may also be rather hellish pardon my language if it offends you i will have five recitals five three for which i ll accompany my own solo recital and a composition recital as i think about the sheer amount of music that i will have to know inside outside backwards forwards for these recitals my initial reaction is 1 loathing and 2 panic i know i will learn the music and all will be well i also know i will detest the process of learning this music and will likely collapse and or have a nervous breakdown when i finish one more semester one more semester i may hate this at the moment but music is still what i love not going to give in just because i m burned out right now i can do this and i will do this it s time to go practice bach makes a wonderful main course with a side of bourgeois reger to add flavor with a touch of hindemith for zest carpal tunnel here i come posted by sam at 3 30 pm no comments labels burnout grrrr major music organ practicing school tired tuesday march 17 2009 apologies apologies to anyone who frequented this blog during my extended absence i m hoping no one did things have been more than a little out of control lately here s the scoop 1 i m now a freshman well technically sophomore because of the number of credits i transferred in at csu maintaining a 4 0 while i m glad my gpa is that good keeping it that good is killing me i never run out of things to do finish work on 2 my classes are fun but hard i m taking an intro to biochem class which is really fascinating but hard to study for and no bsing allowed on assignments the no bs rule isn t too hard to follow but it does make it so that i can t whip out the writing as fast as i normally would my intro to music history and lit is well boring i m not sure if i could devise a more pointless use of 50 minutes every mwf i m sure the teacher knows her stuff but her presentation style simply doesn t work for me as for math i like math i don t like the math that i m doing right now because it s all with a calculator i hate not knowing how to solve a problem algebraically 3 i feel awful for my organ teacher and accompanying teacher i m so swamped with everything that i don t get in half the practice time i should i swear i m doing my level best but i m only getting the bare minimum of practice time in 4 choir is going very well though i wish i could prepare for each practice just a bit more the choir is progressing quickly we re on to some polyphony that s about a moderate level of difficulty lotti s miserere mei at the moment and working into the harder gregorian chant 5 the 2009 colloquium was something else it was incredible music music more music i learned so much so quickly and hanging out with friends that i hadn t seen in forever was fantastic i m really hoping to go this year but i don t think it s going to happen because of the price change it s just too expensive and i don t think i should be spending my money on something like that right now 6 i m still hiking biking running etc when i can but not as often as i d like i m trying to fix this but honestly it takes time and time isn t something that i have in plenty 7 i m still living at home but i d like to move out eventually not necessarily because of family friction just because i d really like to have my own place for a while i don t know when or if it s going to happen but it s been in the back of my mind sometimes the front depending on how my day is going quite a bit lately 8 i just can t wait for summer break i m on spring break right now and it s not bad but it s not really a break i have too many assignments to finish too much practicing to do etc it s a break from scheduled classes but that s all and to top it off dad assumes that i have lots of time because i don t have class so i m busy with chores on top of schoolwork 9 i miss writing i ve done very little since school started because i ve been too tired both mentally and physically writing is one of the best ways for me to relax though so i m getting even more stressed out than usual because i don t have time to write 10 i don t know where i m going and i hate not knowing while i know that god s plan has something good in store no matter what i do i can t help being a little frustrated that i m so clueless everything sounds appealing yet at the same time nothing does should i get a second major minor what should it be in i like forestry natural resources biology biochemistry gis computer science and well you get the idea should i work over the summer study abroad volunteer just take a break save up for a long vacation after i get out of school or just have fun while i don t have to pay off my loans should i consider grad school or should i finish my bachelor s and run i don t know i just don t know 11 odds are i miss you friends from indy online friends with whom i ve talked for hours and hours family from ca i miss you college is so faceless they try to create community in a huge campus but it just results in lots of very specific groups i don t need a lot of acquaintances that i share a few things in common with i just miss having those two or three really close friends who are always there currently i only have one friend like that and that one may be leaving in the near future all right so that s what s up with me how are you p s i m not sure how fitting the title of this blog is college is sapping my fizziness bit by lethal bit posted by sam at 1 14 pm 1 comment wednesday may 14 2008 commandment 1 thou shalt not stray off pitch for it be necessary in order to gain a pure blend of voices ay mock gasp i m completely obsessed with choir i know i know but how can i not be i have a great group of people to work with enthusiastic willing to learn understand the basic principles of reading music and are swiftly understanding more a great group of people teaching me and a supply of fantastic choral music to share i love choir we re working on the vaet o quam gloriosum and des prez ave verum the vaet s mostly to help them learn to listen to each other we started that one before the ave verum the des prez to help them learn to blend with the ave verum it really stands out if some people are singing in a different tone than others so it s almost perfect in other news i m going to the colloquium spins around in wild crazy happy circles i can t wait can t wait can t wait 33 days thirty three days aaaaaiiiiiieeeeeee music music music muuuuuuuussssiiiiiccccc and i m only going to be hanging out with two of the most awesome people in the world for that week too i couldn t ask for more hur rah posted by sam at 7 08 pm 2 comments sunday april 06 2008 decision i got into both the colleges i applied to now here s the fun part i got a full ride from one but it s not the college of my choice my college of choice is going to be really expensive i ll have to work over summer breaks which means no colloquiums workshops vacations etc i ll have to work while in school i won t have a car and i ll still come out of school very in debt on the other hand i could go to the school that gave me a full ride get a car live at home and come out virtually debt free but the level of education i get won t be quite the same how in the world do i pick no i refuse to flip a coin for the answer posted by sam at 12 35 pm 2 comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom about me sam i m a catholic college student that loves anything to do with the outdoors except fishing i can t sit still hiking is king i also love reading and writing i was native to california though i grew up in indiana however since moving to colorado in 2005 i ve become convinced that this is my home and i m here to stay view my complete profile links catholic answers an excellent resource for apologetics dad ewtn a catholic network from the depths kat kloude madison meredith mom sarah what does the prayer really say blog archive 2012 4 april 3 the list concept of defeat almost there january 1 2009 1 march 1 2008 5 may 1 april 1 february 1 january 2 2007 48 december 1 november 1 october 7 september 1 august 4 july 4 june 5 may 1 april 4 march 10 february 6 january 4 2006 20 december 3 november 3 october 1 september 4 august 2 july 1 june 3 may 3 picture window theme powered by blogger