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include the for and against arguments in making a decision or not i suspect the latter i suppose as i don t see a realistic alternative option sadly posted by kay denise at 17 17 no comments 16 january 2011 january 2011 anything changed yes it s a new year a new start and all that but the reality it is not sadly still attempting to sort out problems at home but at least i am getting there hopefully in a few weeks time things will be on an even keel and we can therefore move on strange really none of my friends bothered to see how i was and it was left to my work managers to listen to me at least they helped in their own way which was appreciated the reality of the situation i was hurt badly by mr and with all that went on including trying to sort the mess out i ve gradually become mentally exhausted but as i ve said before there is some light at the end of the tunnel so hopefully i will improve accordingly the knock on of the above that i ve not been able to get out due to lack of funds since mid december which has added to my sense of frustration i had plans to get out around 29th 30th december but there was no chance of that going ahead at the moment as the situation is a little easier and in the interest s of my sanity i will go to transpose monthly meeting tomorrow night just to be me for a few hours may be even meet my sister before hand with home things going on i ve mange to maintain some contact with some cyber friends with a couple of whom there are provisional plans to meet and hopefully fingers cross that will happen really looking for a genuine friend or two so we can do things together whether it is a day or evening outing or both even and not to the same places either some girls do suggest nothing stopping you going anyway true enough but i don t want to do that as on my own come on girls where s the fun and enjoyment in that enough said really manage with scrapping a bit money together not sure from where though to buy a new skirt and jewellery but this will offset by some shoes clothes being sold on ebay further more i don t have anymore room in the wardrobes for further clothes so something has to give i m afraid probably have another little clearout as i m not happy with some of the jackets i have in my collection thinking they may be a little too short for my dress style well that is enough on this occasion my little blog see you in the future sometime posted by kay denise at 20 52 no comments 26 december 2010 december 2010 it all comes crashing down well i m writing this on boxing day and feel so lonely interestingly its now t to do with kd but affects elsewhere will have an impact on my future activities will there be any unfortunately regarding what has happened during the course of the year where there has been many good moments with mr my christmas came tumbling down on christmas eve afternoon where a letter arrived in the post which the contents became a quite a shock and unable to figure out why even after making a phone call it was all very strange and unable to come up with any reasons prior to that everything was in place to have a sure footing for our foreseeable future mentioning this to mr she just suggested let us get xmas out of the way and deal with it then alas i m not that type of person and not to find some explanation s for what has been going on even racking my brain nothing was making sense later on i needed to log on to the internet to make some enquiries which i did yes i found some answers but not what was i expecting or wishing to believe thinking that lighting don t strike twice during this time mr had disappeared thinking she went upstairs but actually went out instead this led me to believe what i did not want to believe has actually happened which later confirmed by mr for the second time in 4 years she had deceived lied and led me up the garden path about a particular financial matter which i thought after the first time round resolved it and for gave her for her indiscretion what made this all more galling we have had the benefit of unexpected funds which we have had put to good use with some spare for other things as we all know this don t last for ever and now was that occasion however i had things in place to make sure we were ok for the future and this was after with her full knowledge of making a short term major financial commitment yet in all this time over the last couple of years there has been opportunities to let the cat out of the bag and at least settle the matter but oh no mr continuing to play the hiding game clearly thinking i wont find out again all i got from mr was sorry sorry sorry sorry but no explanations for why why and why am i really that bad as a person the mind boggles but i do really question myself over the christmas weekend i ve hardly spoken to mr as i just cannot comprehend this situation so many questions but no answers even i had thoughts is this her way at getting back at me for deceit in keeping kd from her i don t think so but this what happens when you mind is not thinking straight i ve shed a few tears this weekend to say the least looking at the immediate future i don t see one as currently my maths is making 1 plus 1 equals 7 or whatever figure you wish to make one thing for certain it don t add up or balance the books now im just hoping something will turn up later on this week but what happens if it don t i just don t wish to think about it why mr why as we don t deserved this after nearly 38 years together and you have never been wanting for anything either yet her stupidity now jeopardises everything we have why i really need to talk to someone even just to listen to my thoughts and feelings posted by kay denise at 23 05 no comments 29 november 2010 september november 2010 holiday plan a not the future its been a while since i ve written anything on my story but things in some respect s have been quiet between mr and i when it has come to kd matter s in a way that has been a good thing which i m sure is the better part of the circle i keep referring too mr has attempted to let me get on with it on the basis it is not going away the latter is true so there is some acceptance of kd on mr s part but that don t mean i take things for granted most of september was kd free zone as mr i were on holiday completely chilling out on a big ocean liner queen mary 2 were we cross the atlantic in both directions along with a cruise up the east coast of america from new york to quebec and return yes it was some holiday to say the least and while we were on board we renewed our wedding vows the latter was something that we both wanted but on this occasion mr had a choice unlike first time around knowing that kd was also part of the package being on board this liner our second occasion you have the gracious formal evenings were the ladies dress up accordingly this was a little frustrating for me as all i could do was look at them wishing on a few occasions that it was me however although there were some stunning dresses some ladies clearly forgot to look in the mirror or their partners did not have the bottle to tell them they look a mess certainly as far as mr was concerned she always looked the part and i was proud of her too hopefully we will book another cruise on the qm2 sometime in the future since the holiday i ve manage to get out on a few occasions but because of ongoing family circumstances i ve been restricted in just getting out to the village with some friends and now t else unfortunately interestingly i ve tried to break the mould by arranging some day outings but sadly these plans just never come to fruition due to reasons beyond my control how frustrating to say the least the only thing that seem to be a little different from the routine when i went with my sister her friend came too which was nice and she definitely had no hang ups about meeting a tgirl in fact quite the opposite lately i ve been in thinking mood again especially in the light of recent outings and i found my self being fed up with kd s life routine its getting to me that is for certain my last outing which was last week i was subdued not for the first time i was out and in fact i found it an effort in getting ready going out because it was the village i was going too no problems with being kd love being me but circumstances are limiting me to village visits and now t else especially this year it is just not what i want made harder by the fact my friends are swaning off here there everywhere and i m not included for numerous reasons likewise just get fed up hearing the stories about past future outings as stated i ve attempted to make plans with others you know plan a then plan b etc but end up plan x y z or nothing so frustrating tiresome but is that my friends fault currently not sure if i will get out again before the new year not because i don t want too its just with who when where providing its not christmas related there is nothing on the horizon full stop in my mind i m happy when in appearance i am kd that part of me has not changed i tend to find myself at ease within which is a lovely feeling to have but may be other people don t see it that way i often question myself do my friends like me if they do probably in small doses only this is a feeling i m getting consistently especially there is never any contact between them and i outside the arrangements of the evening meals at the village yet in the same token i have the impression some of them are in regular contact with each other proof in the pudding as i get to find out they been out with each other either via their blogs or their images website s ok they are entitled to do that freedom of choice and all that but i m just left with the feeling impression i m not part of it anymore ok some will say i m reading too much into it or just getting it wrong completely may be that is the case but currently it don t seem like that and it s a horrible feeling to have really sorry girls as for the future well immediate priority is say farewell to december just not a christmas person i m afraid bah humbug some will say but as if normality goes out the window for a month not sure if i will get out during december either as nothing on the horizon which is not xmas party related in the circumstances must look forward and i m sure january 2011 will soon be upon us before we know it talking of 2011 i think my main goal will be to make new friends really and hopefully one or two that may be become genuine close friends with regular contact and we can do things together something i really miss doing also hopefully and once again i can get out further a field too will i though posted by kay denise at 23 20 no comments 25 november 2010 august 10 a close shave was other things the following was written prior to our holiday at the end of august and i had not finished it i ve decided to post what ive written as its a story on its own anyway talking of visiting home as when the children wish too this lead to a very very close shave in being outsted by my eldest son i was going out to the village to meet friends and got ready during the afternoon at home finally i was ready all i needed to do now was put things in car and go however what i tend to do is after each part of getting ready i always put things back to were they belong especially my make up which i tend to do in the bathroom this routine actually saved me on this occasion as un expectantly and unknown to me my eldest son arrived home but i was upstairs not knowing who came in i knew it was not mr as she was in work as you imagine i m completely kd on the landing and shitting myself i just dashed into our bedroom and shut the door fast next thing feet bounce up the stairs but still no hello or whatever i just stayed silent but son knew i was home but he went to spare bedroom for pc access to the internet bearing in mind i was ready i had to get completely undress and get my make off fortunately i had some wipes in my handbag and return to that other person that i don t wish to be with all my clothes now in the corner behind the bedroom door i appeared and said hello to son the fortunate thing as mentioned before i had no make up in the bathroom otherwise i suspect questions may have been ask fortunately about an hour later my son went and i had to get ready once again now running 90 minutes late as i was meeting a girl friend in the village so as can be noted although no children living at home i still have to watch my back for the un expected who said being a tgirl is easy lol posted by kay denise at 22 47 no comments 17 august 2010 july 2010 a loose lead looking ahead when i originally wrote the june entry kd matters were in turmoil for numerous reasons but as with most things in life things calm down and different perspective s arrive this was no exception but it comes back to the going round in circles thoughts were things can be good bad or in different and just depends were in the circle you are at any particular time in that instance we were in the indifferent bad period and i suppose it was a case of abiding time for the good or better times to arrive well it did but unexpected never the less there was no obvious sign this was going to happen as within myself i felt i was going down a slippery slop to well i had no idea but really could not see any real light at the end of the long tunnel however unexpected and sudden there seem to a change of attitude different thoughts by m r towards kd issues i suppose the best of putting it was suddenly it did not matter anymore and mr was prepared to let me do what i wanted what i wanted i m not sure what that is but certainly i just needed clear air to let me decide when i wanted to be kd and most all going out when i wanted however saying that i still had too and quite rightly give due consideration to home family matters as they arise strange it may seem i have no problem with that and happy to accept it too but in between moments i just wanted the opportunity to decide what i wanted to do and be the person i wish to be i e kay denise since then things have been much much better between mr myself and most kd things are accepted as routine in some ways i suppose the best way of putting it is in a dog lead sense 1 a tight lead 2 a loose lead and 3 no lead complete freedom as things stand it seems to be the loose lead category and one that seems to work hopefully this continues what has also had influence has been changes at home which included the last family member finally leaving home which meant for the first since the early 80 s we have no children living at home mmmm just the two of us i suppose if fact i know that has made a difference between tensions have now gone however as with all parents they are always welcome to visit us as when they wish too but there is still problems encounted as i got to find out later lol during this time i ve manage to get out almost on a weekly occasion but kept it sim...