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Text of the page (random words):
ls far away i know five years feels like a welcome wait and a time that will never creep up on you but my word time it can be such a wonderful friend for every day that felt so long and i felt so tired it allowed me to feel validated but time can be such a foe too it sneaks up in between their first steps and potty training one day you look at them and you don t even know what happened but they re practically grown and need you less and less but i m not going to tell you to soak up every second of it you don t need that unnecessary guilt there were days that i laid in my bed and cried because a piece of raising this little warrior meant incessant temper tantrums and ocd tendencies and a refusal to budge from routine that s without factoring in continual ear infections and a little brother those hard days were hard days and i swore sometimes i would never make it she is magic but she is hard and i know that in the middle of all of that hard somebody telling me i wasn t taking advantage of my time with her made me feel like less of a mom so you hold them if you want to you tell them that they re the best thing that ever happened to you if you want to or you put them in their carseat buckle them in and take a shower by yourself knowing that they can t go anywhere they might cry that s okay too you re both going to make it you re going to wake up one august and realize that tomorrow starts the next phase of her life maybe you ll want to go back to the carseat days maybe you ll find yourself excited to teach her about having the qualities of the march sisters except amy ew and watching little pieces of yourself shine through her maybe you ll land somewhere in between the two like me regardless you re going to feel so proud to be a part of her story and probably so thankful that jesus let you have her for a little while and that s the magic of it all you can let her go without fear because she doesn t really belong to you anyway she s firm in the palm of his hand and something about that will bring you peace but no one is going to judge you for crying in starbucks because you only ordered one cake pop instead of two they might even give one to you for free to give her after school today your heart might be devastated but tomorrow you get to go an entire day without watching peppa pig and that dear friend is magic all its own no comments turtle and gus rock a bye bye crib monday september 19 2016 today was a i don t even know the accurate adjective it was a day let s just call it a day today at my request my husband took down the baby crib we didn t attempt to make it a toddler bed we didn t move it back into their room we just took it down on this same day my husband moved the baby cradle from their bedroom where it was thrown 11 months ago when adam outgrew it into the garage waiting to return to my mom s house for the next grandbaby let me just be blunt it sucked these pieces of furniture have been in my house in one room or the other for 3 years they re the staple pieces that have been the sources of cuss words and the catchers of junk as we went through life ella slept in the cradle until she was 5 months old where she immediately threw a middle finger at the crib and slept in our bed until she was one adam slept in the cradle for about 2 months before he was too big for it and then slept in the crib for 6 blissful months before he figured out he was allowed to have an opinion i ve stubbed my toes in the middle of the night while trying to sneak from one room to the other usually stifling a yelp or saying crib as the pain that only a stubbed toe causes rattled through my bones i watched my babies look like they were laying in a giant baby trap only to blink and watch the bed look so small as they climbed over the rails to escape and look okay i get it these are the days of our lives time flies when you re having fun the days are long but the years are short you re going to miss this but i just don t know that i totally agree with it time doesn t really fly until it s flew some days i resented that crib s presence in my house how dare it take up all the wall space in its like new condition the crib was moot i had an empty crib a crick in my neck and a baby in my bed for three years fine there s still a baby in my bed and i m all about co sleeping even though i think it s probably done permanent damage to my neck and i think i have some condition i found on google called saturday night palsy i sleep in the same position and i have slept in the same position every night for 3 years so much of the past three years have been made up of just trying to survive bro and just trying to make it to the next phase my daughter went through a really tumultuous year beginning in april of 2015 chronic ear infections sometimes two per month chronic tonsillitis picky eating chronic antibiotics so bad that she even stopped responding to some rsv no sleep croup psychotic rage that i can only attribute to just being exhausted from feeling like crap every day of her sweet baby life my son took it upon himself to take a few sick shifts whenever ella was actually healthy so basically somebody in this house was sick pretty much every week for a year i was stuck inside i couldn t go to church or when the kids were healthy i was too scared to put them in the nursery because of whatever was running rampant that season you want to talk about being a stay at home mom i literally stayed at home and eventually people stopped asking us to hang out because we always had a sick kid it was a dark hard year p s i know believe me i know that other people have had darker and harder years my kids are happy and breathing and there are other people who would gladly take fevers and coughs over alternatives i know i hear you i m not discounting just how blessed we are so let s just skip over the political correctness yet in the middle of what was the hardest year of motherhood yet yes out of my whopping 3 there was joy baby giggles erupted through pain and fevers new tricks were learned in the doctor s office waiting rooms my kids love our pediatrician and say yay when she walks into the room we cuddled hours upon hours the house was a total disaster area every minute of every day because somebody always needed to be held and i held them i scooped them up usually cried as i rocked them and wondered how long this was going to be our life right about the time my cheese was almost completely slid off of my cracker ella s ears just stopped getting infected one day out of the blue adam s sleepless nights suddenly turned into 7 hour stretches we had a friend pay to have our house cleaned from top to bottom while we were out of town i wept wept when i saw what my laundry floor looked like not covered in snotty onesies and spit up shirts i took a brave little leap and started a photography business and it s flourishing we found a little group of friends that we love to be around we plan things and we re watching our kids grow up together when they don t have their eyes glued to a screen my son is eating me out of house and home and he s officially weaned literally in two months it s like i m living an entirely different life a life where for the first time i have no idea where the thermometer is i couldn t tell you where to find a syringe for tylenol my kids are sleeping decently and ella is learning that her bed is more comfortable than the hardwood floor next to ours and today for the first time i walked into my bedroom and there was no crib there i walked into ella s room and the cradle left a giant space that probably matches the new hole in my uterus time didn t fly until it flew i know what you re thinking just have another baby well cody isn t quite on board with that plan i think technically he s at a firm no i don t even know that i m on board with that plan but now as i type this and my newly potty trained 3 year old is upstairs quietly watching peppa pig while she plays with her barn and my one year old is munching on apple jacks as he watches toy story i have to stop and ponder if i m ready for this part of it it s been so long i don t even know that i remember a version of myself that wasn t lactating these tiny little ankle grabbers are moving into a new independence and some days i can see little glimpses of a really cushy future for me other days i pause and wonder if this was really it how could the baby years already be done what s next eye rolls and 3 hours of homework boyfriends and girlfriends driving make it stop before i immaculately conceive basically i was already struggling some struggles before the crib and cradle were ripped away from my grasp so many times over the past year i called cody and said you come home now or i m burning this place to the ground and he usually just said you ll be alright babe and usually i was some days i wasn t some days i burned the mental prison of my mind house down and some days i had it totally under control basically this blog was just a place to come and say that i ve been slapped across the face by the reality of these years slipping away and i ve somehow found the courage to actually request time to slow down a bit well maybe we ll wean adam and get him out of diapers but then it can just freeze and truthfully a thank you is in order to the people who left starbucks on my porch the people that randomly text me encouragements the people that promised me it would get better as i mentally stabbed you with a fork thank you for picking up some of my fat rolls and trudging through it with me i truly believe we re on the other side it ll probably still be hard sometimes but what it all comes down to is that everything is gonna be fine fine fine if you didn t catch it you re too young for this blog bro 2 comments adam jace still he loves monday june 6 2016 so good news despite my lack of blogging adam turned 12 months old there s a half written blog about it that i plan to publish eventually but in the mean time let s talk about something else remember that time when i was so embarrassed that ella was ten months old and still hadn t been dedicated welp adam is fifteen months old and a few days ago he was dedicated life has been such a whirlwind especially so since november somewhere in the the last six months a sweet little baby has morphed into a little boy and as cliche as it sounds i just keep falling deeper in love with him as i m sure you ll recall we had some drama with adam when he was about 5 days old a phone call from a nurse that should not be allowed to deliver results called us and said adam s pku test was abnormal my hormones surged as i said which one his pku test anyway you need to come in immediately so we can redo the test i looked outside it was sleeting it was only supposed to get wetter and colder ella cried in the floor as she gazed at cody holding adam both of us fighting back tears at the blunt harsh news the car never moved slower as we made the fifteen mile trek to the doctor and i hated myself the entire drive not even five minutes before the nurse called i had text a picture of adam s ears to my mom and said his ears are not cute and in my defense they weren t he had pointy little elf ears i mean pointy little elf ears but what did his ears matter when his body wasn t doing what it was supposed to the body i grew the body i carried the body i delivered i googled abnormal pku and found a terrifying condition that meant no meat no dairy no carbs no nuts no beans just vegetables only vegetables it meant learning disabilities and skin problems it meant specialists and routine bloodwork i cried and cried i called jay and sheri and told them between sobs what we had heard and cool level headed sheri said this is all super unlikely get off the internet k love ya bye we were ushered into the doctor s office and i happen to have a fantastic relationship with my pedi she took us straight back and said hey i ve seen this before and i ve seen false positives take a breath tammy i can not give this baby vegetables and only vegetables confusion covered her face and said i didn t ask you to immediately embarrassed i mentioned what i had learned on google still confused she said his pku was okay this is an enzyme issue annoyed relief washed all over me for a brief second before the panic returned she explained that the biggest things i needed to watch for were weight loss and lethargy uh have you ever met a newborn they re pretty much the definition of lethargy weight loss however cracked me up this fat little snowman baby peeked up at me through the hoodie of a jacket that wouldn t zip well at least there s weight to lose i thought to myself as i watched my baby get his heel poked again then we were sent in the sleet for more blood work and a urine test eventually the tears stopped but the joy of bringing home this sweet little life stopped in a way i guess i was afraid to love him i was afraid to get too attached because i ignored everybody i knew and googled anyway cody was cautiously optimistic and even took the baby away from me and held me as i allowed myself to get mad for the first time we were under strict orders to wake the baby every two hours to feed him have you ever tried waking a newborn it doesn t happen i was so tired my daughter was being a terror my husband didn t know how to help as he didn t lactate but wanted me to feel anything but alone after a week of that malarkey and a baby that just keep getting fatter i stopped i felt very sincerely and very whole heartedly that adam was okay and so i let the baby sleep and he slept all night every night for the next four months in the weeks that followed that initial appointment there were ups and downs as results started coming in the second test was normal yay but it could be a false positive murp we need you to come to fort worth to let us look at him road trip and do more bloodwork murp in fort worth we heard he was only 4 above the test line i m confident he s fine whoo but we need to do two blood tests that will be out of pocket and about two thousand dollars murp a few weeks later we learned that he is a carrier but not an active case well thanks in all of the weeks that followed the initial phone call as i rocked my baby in the pitch black of the night i prayed fiercely and fervently i prayed with such intensity i would often look up and realize that thirty minutes had passed where are you in this what are you trying to teach me is this whole thing some fluke that i m over spiritualizing i was honest open and blunt in my prayers and still even when the issue was resolved i sat back and said i still don t see the lesson here and i didn t until a few months later when i went back and read ella s dedication blog and in said blog i said over and over that regardless of what happened to ella in her life she belonged to the lord and no matter what we were okay with what he had planned for her life what easy words to say when your bab...