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Text of the page (random words):
so much fear we decorated hope s grave up so beautiful for her first birthday feb 3rd my husband bought her flowers for valentine s day every time he brings me flowers she get some also we have bought some cute little easter things to decorate her grave with for easter i love buying her things i am always looking for something that can be put outside and won t blow away or be ruined by rain or cold still missing you hope this entry was posted on march 26 2012 1 comment a deeper connection mar 14 i remember feeling behind at one point in my husbands family because we didn t have kids yet then i remember being so excited about being pregnant the first time the first time is always different than any other pregnancy now even though we still don t have kids here on this earth i feel somewhat ahead of all of them not that it s a race or anything not that it even matters just ramblings of a sleep deprived mind but none of them have ever lost a baby i have lost two one 19 weeks and one 8 weeks i have been through more in the past year and a half than any of them other than just losing babies sure they ve lost grandparents or are going through financial trials or maybe marriage trials been there too and are probably dealing with things with their kids that i don t even know about yet because i haven t had the opportunity to experience that yet but in some ways i feel a little ahead of them i don t wish for any of them to ever have to go through losing a baby child but that makes me feel different around them i definitely feel like a completely different person than i did a year and a half ago i know i m a different person once i get this baby of mine in my arms i know i will somehow have a little more love for her him than everyone else who has never lost a baby they love their babies don t think i m saying they don t but after losing one you seriously do feel a deeper connection a deeper love that others cannot yet understand not that being ahead is a good thing by any means maybe it s not ahead maybe it s more mature maybe it s just different i just feel different from them but know i will somehow have a deeper connection with my new baby this entry was posted on march 14 2012 3 comments finally a quick sigh of relief mar 1 finally finally i feel like i can breathe i won t let all my air out yet though finally i feel happy excited and cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy finally i want to show off my cute little belly finally i feel comfortable with things going on inside of me thinking they are normal pregnancy things and not contractions or my cerclage ripping or the baby in distress today i am 22 1 2 weeks along my first goal was to reach 23 weeks because at that point my doctor will at least try to save my baby if i do go into labor my next goal is 25 weeks then 28 weeks then hopefully after that everything is perfect praying it is after i lost my baby girl i put everything pregnant related i had which wasn t a whole lot into a tote yesterday i got that tote out and went through it i tried on maternity clothes which i never wore with hope because i never had a belly with her i probably won t wear them much this pregnancy either because i am just home laying down all day but i did hang them up in my closet i have been scared to do that this whole pregnancy so far i do still feel some pressure when i stand or walk much but i really want to go out into public and wear cute maternity clothes and show off my belly and boobs i haven t dared show off my belly as of yet too scared to get attached i have had my husband take pictures of my belly usually weekly for my scrapbook but i haven t shown anyone i haven t told hardly anyone my due date or even how far along i am until these last few weeks i still try to not think of my due date just in case but on monday i will have reached my first goal i have a doctors appointment a big deal because my doctor is two hours away next wednesday and we are going to buy a little something to celebrate my first goal maybe some infant diapers or little onesies or i don t even know what to buy but i m super excited i finally feel like i can kind of start planning on this baby cautiously i refuse to have a baby shower until after i have a screaming baby in my arms so there are things we will have to have before that but finally i feel excited and happy about being pregnant and about this baby i just wouldn t hardly let myself before now this entry was posted on march 1 2012 2 comments the vow feb 15 so i saw a trailer for the vow on tv today and i m dying to see the movie i cannot go and see it because i m on bedrest and couldn t sit upright that long but i just found out it s based off of a book so now i must read the book reading is something i can do right now i cried during the preview lame i know maybe it s because i m pregnant i don t know i am a succor for chic flicks anyone who has seen the movie please don t ruin it it has an interesting concept i think could you get your soul mate to fall in love with you all over again like you ve never met that question hit me so powerfully my husband and i had a nice little evening last night for valentine s day and i am just reminded of how much i truly love him and feel he s my soul mate yes i believe in soul mates i believe you can make it work with anybody but that there is one person out there who s perfect for you i believe i found that person he truly is my best friend in the whole world but if he couldn t remember me and i had all these memories of us together could i make him fall in love with me again if he just couldn t remember and couldn t love me the same way he used to could i walk away from him walk away from my best friend i don t think i could walk away i would try everything to make him fall in love with me again life is all about moments of impact and how they change our lives forever can a once in a lifetime love find a second chance makes me want to make every second count with my dear husband you never know when that time together could be up could you make your soul mate fall in love with you all over again like you d never met this entry was posted on february 15 2012 2 comments nervous feb 6 today is the most scared i have been my whole pregnancy so far i feel nervous i thought friday my daughters birthday would be the worst day of my pregnancy but that day was okay not great obviously but okay i remember the night before i went into labor with hope i couldn t sleep and i felt nervous and anxious very anxious it should be a good sign that i don t feel anxious now right i can feel movement of my baby inside and out but it seems like a lot of movement is that a good thing or a bad thing i just don t know i am now 19 weeks along i was 19 weeks when i delivered hope i am sure the knowledge of being 19 weeks right now is making me more nervous i don t know i worry and i have right to worry but how much is too much my husband is working on a serious job at work my mom has left to help him basically i am home alone not that having anyone here would do any good i hate bothering the doctors when i don t have an appointment i have done that a few times during this pregnancy and everything was always fine i guess i over reacted but i needed that assurance that everything was fine my high risk doctor is two hours away the doctor here that i used for my first pregnancy is nice but still 15 minutes away and i don t feel comfortable driving i don t feel comfortable sitting upright i have been laying down all day except to go pee and it s only 12 30 in the afternoon what will i do with myself the rest of the day i have a hard time watching tv or a movie or reading because my mind is going crazy right now my husband and i are in charge of his family reunion this year so the past week i have been busy planning that out and finding a place to stay that was good to keep my mind preoccupied but it s not working right now my brain has made a home down in my belly and i am feeling every twitch every movement every pinch of pain i think of my cervix and i worry i think of contracting and i wonder if i will be able to know i m contracting if i really am because i am on progesterone which is supposed to help stop contracting i just don t know pray for me i absolutely cannot lose this baby i am worried to be feeling this way now hopefully it only lasts today because i have to make it atleast five more weeks before they will even try to save the baby if i deliver after that every week is obviously better this entry was posted on february 6 2012 2 comments happy 1st birthday hope feb 3 today is my baby girls 1st birthday i wish i could have known her would she be walking would she be talking what color would her hair be how would her laugh sound would she look like me her baby nose looks like mine i wish i could hug her and hold her i feel full of emotion today i feel lonely for hope i miss her but at the same time i feel little kicks and movement inside of me with baby 3 which makes me happy it s a confusing feeling i am so happy and excited and scared for this new little one but i miss my first little one so terribly i wish we could be together now yesterday we decorated her graveside so beautifully i wish instead we could have given her wrapped toys to open and hear her laugh over her gifts happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear little hope happy birthday to you love mommy this entry was posted on february 3 2012 2 comments so far so good jan 26 so far so good i guess i have been having weekly appointments with my doctor now for the past two weeks he checks my cervix yuck and makes sure it s still good and meaty and that s the stitches don t look like they re being stretched it s been three weeks since my cerclage was put in the first two weeks after were torture i could feel tons of stuff inside that didn t feel good like major pressure the pressure has mostly died down but i still get days when i feel it and i freak out i can t imagine being fully huge and pregnant like 8 months i bet there s major pressure felt with a cerclage in place blah but hopefully i get that far along in my pregnancy this time today i am 17 1 2 weeks pregnant that s probably the first time i have told anyone besides mom and husband how far along i really am i feel like my due date doesn t matter i just have to keep this baby in as long as possible 23 weeks is bare minimum for the doctor to even try to save the baby 25 weeks is better at 28 weeks there s a huge chance of survival and health every week is just so scary and it s amazing what one week can do for you that will change your entire life with hope i went into labor at 18 weeks and delivered her at 19 weeks i am getting so nervous for the next two weeks plus to add to that nervousness her birthday is february 3rd and that will be a very emotional day i don t know how this pregnancy got so close to my first pregnancy in weeks they are almost identical chances are that i won t go into labor exactly the same weeks i did in my first pregnancy but the scariness is still there i need to get past her birthday and the next two weeks then i can once again take it day by day then hopefully get past 23 weeks and into a more healthy time frame for baby it s amazing how fast they grow i however wish mine grew faster just in case it did come out early on a side note i found this website called muchloved com where you can do up a tribute page for lost loved ones and it s free i did one up for my little girl and will be sending out invites to family for her birthday where they can read my thoughts and add their own thoughts and look at pictures of her and remember her on her birthday i worry that people have forgotten about her so for those of you who have lost little ones or anyone for that matter you should check out that website it s not mine i m not selling it this entry was posted on january 26 2012 3 comments bedrest jan 10 i had my cerclage surgery on january 5th and have put myself on more severe bedrest than i was before my doctor says nothing about bedrest just pelvic rest for 2 weeks so i have taken it into my own hands i will be the one crying in the end if i lose another baby not my doctor every single day has been terrible i feel little things inside of me and wonder if i m contracting so far no bleeding which is great but it s only been five days how many days until my official due date blah too long i have tried to keep myself busy while remaining down for the majority of the day i have a huge list of things to do on bedrest that i made a month after losing my baby hope preparing for a future pregnancy so far however i haven t done much i do accounting work for the business we own but yesterday i had to have my mom help me because sitting upright in the chair was extremely uncomfortable i feel so useless i know i am doing a good thing here making a baby inside of me but i still worry about losing this baby and then this was all just for nothing it s scared to not think about it even though it is negative thinking my moms birthday was on saturday and my husbands birthday was on sunday i couldn t do anything for them luckily i had bought presents for them earlier october and november but i felt so emotional that i couldn t do anything for them or with them my husband has stuff at work that i maybe could help with looking through inserts he has printed and watching for quality but he doesn t want me to risk anything i had been going in when he had those jobs from october december and just laid down on a cot he brought in for me so i was staying down but now it s different i can understand that but i want to help i have a few kitties inside that keep me company i am a huge animal lover animals make me so happy i also have a cute little pygmy goat outside that my husband got me for mothers day last year his name is oscar and he was four days old i got to bottle feed him and take him everywhere i went that little goat was the best therapy for me mothers day was something i wasn t looking forward to since i had just lost my first baby 3 months before i truly feel i would be in a worse situation now emotionally had my hubby not got me that little goat when he was a baby he was smaller than my cats now he is about the size of our medium lab dog i feel sad when i don t walk out and see him yesterday i was too scared to move around much so i didn t go see him most people don t understand that at all i just have a true connection with animals more than with people oscar smiling so i am looking for things to do on bedrest to try and stay productive and calm i have a ton of ideas but just haven t got into the right mood to do them yet i have to be in the right mood to sit and read i have to be in the right mood to make jewelry etc this is going to be a long pregnancy hopefully i can t believe it hasn t even been a week since my surgery every day is terrifying any brilliant ideas this entry w...