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Text of the page (random words):
keep on stalking keep on stalking thursday march 30 2023 the day i have dreaded has arrived the day i have most dreaded for over 10 years has finally come i can deal with turning 75 i don t like it but i can accept it i can deal with losing more than winning at pickleball i don t like it but i have to accept it i can cope with portions of my body sagging and swaying all at the same time i don t like it but i find it amusing in a tearful sort of way i have given up on people magazine or what i call who are these people magazine i don t like it but i don t have to read it i can deal with political differences i don t like it but as long as i know i am right and the other side is wrong i can handle it but but but there is no turning back from what i have just discovered and i truly can t won t accept the inevitable ladies flared pants are back i know there is a lot of fake news but i just saw the recent banana republic catalog and there they were all loose and baggy at the bottom like i m not baggy enough there why can t the republic go back to harvesting banana s and leave us well seasoned ladies to our oversized tops and pants that provide us with some semblance of shapely legs it s a conspiracy i tell ya and i m not taking it anymore i knew this day would come and i am ready to protest are you with me are you there are you taking a nap or are you out shopping for the latest flare pants posted by maxine at 12 41 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest saturday october 9 2021 ode to my aging body sung to the tune of alan sherman s camp granada https www youtube com watch v 4yftovo0uty hello muddah hello fadduh this is maxine your youngest daughter you are gone now though i have memories you need know what s happened since you left me i got older but not so wiser now my bladder acts like a geyser and my body once trim and fit is slowly turning into a pile of shit my chin s waddle has come to roost and my ass is getting loose my eyesight s dimming my hearing s poor and my hair is grey which i don t adore now i don t want to be complain n but my boobs are not sustaining not so perky sad to say but that s a story for another day why or why can this be true i m turning now to both of you for heavenly answers you can lie and say i still look fifty five whose to blame for this disaster give me answers that s what i m after all my genes are fading fast tell me that my youthful body please will last that s what s happened it s come to pass i m now a senior and not a lass i m embracing my new life turned off newscasts so there s no more strife i ve decided no more mirrors cause without them no more tears youth is great but what was i saying oh yes give a cheer for all of us who re aging posted by maxine at 7 11 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest wednesday april 1 2020 you know you ve been home bound too long when disposable gloves don t mean you are in for a rectal exam when discussing roots is not about the classic book but is about your classic scalp when three squares a day isn t about meals but is about the amount of toilet paper you use at each bathroom event when my credit card bill shows no charges other than groceries when i see my real fingernails for the first time as they appear from under the remains of my acrylic ones when you can only appreciate the price of gas from the comfort of your home when making sure you are protected has nothing to do with sex when the words instacart and zoom are your mostly commonly used words on words with friends when binging has more to do with tv than drinking or not when touching your face gets you arrested when dr faucci is looking kinda sexy when the phrase let it all hang out relates to your bra in the drawer i m not providing the male version of this phrase when you re not insulted when your loved ones say stay at home when becoming a vegan is a real possibility when you ve worn a trail in your carpet from reaching your 10 000 steps daily so grab your gloves dye your hair while you pull the 3 squares of tp while watching sexy faucci say stay at home then eat your beans and walk the carpet trail while fantasizing about pumping cheap gas bra less that s all for today i must get back to words with friends after i am paroled for touching my face posted by maxine at 7 09 am 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest wednesday august 28 2019 my grocery store check out line road rage it was a quiet day in the grocery store people were seen picking up items they needed for current and future meals i secured a few things in anticipation of my daughter s visit over labor day weekend as i approached the check out line section i handily avoided my strong desire to grab the cheddar drenched popcorn and barely made it past the candy bars whose wrappers were waving at me i had my cloth grocery bag ready to accept the nutritious items in my cart and began searching for the shortest checkout line i could have tried standing and waiting for self check out but i had already checked myself out in the mirror in the morning and felt two times in one day was overkill i started to engage check out line 4 but saw that 1 had only 2 people and the last person in line only had one item without signaling i used my best pickleball moves and scooted into line 1 just as i reached the end of the conveyor belt and was ready to place my items on it the husband of the woman in front of me with one item showed up with full cart in tow i wanted to call no cutsies but thought better of it as i am polite after removing said items from his cart plus the one item the wife had he proceeded to keep the empty cart behind him rather in the preferred front position preventing me from putting my items on the belt i took this to be a rather aggressive move but being the non confrontational person that i am along with being polite is a great combo i simply reached forward and lightly released my items air born so as to land on the belt and prepare me to be ready for checkout when my time came without looking backward husband aggressively shoved my items back almost pushing them off the belt so much for being polite and non confrontational this was grocery store road rage time i would have rolled up my sleeves but i was wearing a short sleeved shirt i thought through my strategy of what i could do to retaliate i could whip out a banana but that wouldn t scare him as i only bought over ripe ones for banana muffins i could pummel him with the frozen blintzes i bought but then i might be arrested for assault with a frozen weapon i could sushi him to the ground but then i wouldn t have food for dinner so instead i puffed out my chest and if you have recently seen my chest it really doesn t make a big impression i know that because i did the self check in the morning took a deep breath and thought nasty things to say but didn t say them you see i am an avid judge judy watcher and i know that any rage at any time can turn back on you so i gave him my evil eye but his back was to me so he didn t see it but it did scare a few people in self check out 1 2 or perhaps it was my puffed out chest that scared them the moral of the story don t buy over ripe bananas posted by maxine at 1 45 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest saturday april 27 2019 is netflix ruining my sex life i recently read that a survey showed that netflix is negatively affecting the sex life of its viewers it seems that men and women prefer streaming to sex i learned about sex in the fifties from lucy and ricky ricardo sex happens in separate twin beds thus why it took me so long to find a husband that could fit into my mine once that was accomplished things went along pretty well for 32 years the beds got larger and we streamed 2 daughters then 8 years ago i found myself alone and left to my own devices i took that to mean electronic devices my mix master was too dangerous my electric knife was a no go my keurig was a possibility and my belt sander was a bit too rough so i did what any normal single woman would do i tried using the vibrating feature on my cell phone without much success thankfully someone understood my dilemma and created netflix now not only is netflix not ruining my sex life it is actually my go to source for my sex life along with hbo the comedy channel and national geographic so let me say thank you to all those streaming stations that allow me to feel like a vital woman again and don t get me started on the streaming feature my bladder streams all night long forget john boy give me john snow bye bye lucy hello sex education a uk based netflix series starring gillian anderson i still love my twin bed and until something changes me and my remote control are sublimely happy together posted by maxine at 7 09 am 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest wednesday july 25 2018 it s hard to say goodbye as i face my upcoming significant birthday i look back on the many things i have had to say goodbye to here is a short list 1 thick hair on legs arms head and well you know where 2 my waist we gave it a good run 3 high heels i m afraid of heights 4 loud music and concerts i can t hear you now 5 patience i m sure i had some at one time 6 bikinis i ve been asked not to show up wearing one again 7 toenails that don t look like they belong to an elephant 8 my arches and we re not talking about mcdonalds 9 my desire to clean toilets or bathtubs i can t even get out of a bathtub let alone clean one i have faced the facts of growing older and have coped well i believe things happen things change things drop droop slide squish and plop but today i read an article on elder sexuality that shook me to my core it s somewhere where my waist used to be that is now missing the one thing that i thought would stay with me through thick glasses and thinning hair i am now told is dying i am bereft to learn that at my age one s vaginal nerve endings are dying i m sure there is a special prayer for dying vaginal nerve endings but i am too upset to find it who knew that one s vne would one day turn on me like my lactose tolerance did is russia behind this if i knew my vne were going to abandon me i would have enjoyed them more when i was using them but now i only have regret and a bald spot on the back of my head so here i sit in my bikini in my bathtub with my arches i m eating a mcdonald s burger playing loud music observing my silky no hair arms legs and you know what while i patiently attempt to bend over my gut to cut my elephant toenails that are peaking out of my never worn high heels now can someone call 911 cause i can t get up posted by maxine at 8 02 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest saturday april 7 2018 what is your identity worth i just read that you can insure your identity through your homeowner s or renter s policy for as little as 25 so of course i signed up because there shouldn t be an insurance policy in existence that i don t have but the questions that arose after i aroused myself from my slumber sleep walking sleep peeing snoring and thrashing were these what is my identity i e who am i why am i here where am i what am i and most importantly who cares well obviously the insurance company cares because they want my 25 but is my identity worth more than that a pickleball friend recently downgraded my nickname from maximillion to maxidollar was this because he saw my stock market portfolio or was he acutely aware of the true value of my identity so i needed to investigate this further by answering the questions that i had to write down so i could remember them to answer them first identity question who am i i look in the mirror but all i see is my mother s face looking back at me and she looks really really old grey hair thinning wrinkles deepening teeth losing is this me or a mere reflection of what is to come or is already here next identity question why am i here well obviously if i am looking in the mirror then i am in the bathroom and if i am in the bathroom then i am here to pee and that has great value question 3 where am i this is a question that is asked every morning when i arouse myself and then asked again multiple times during the day the problem is i don t have the correct answer as many times as i ask the questions i m trying to use the hansel and gretel method of bread crumbs or leftover matzo crumbs but find that i eat more than i drop question 4 what am i old lives matter that s what i am and i value what it took to get me here where am i no problem i have some bread crumbs leading me back to the bathroom i have value and as soon as the stock market rebounds i will have more value hopefully enough to pay for an uber to get me home last question who cares answered already which is why my state farm agent is now my bestie posted by maxine at 8 47 am no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest older posts home subscribe to posts atom followers blog archive 2023 1 march 1 the day i have dreaded has arrived 2021 1 october 1 2020 1 april 1 2019 2 august 1 april 1 2018 2 july 1 april 1 2017 2 november 1 june 1 2016 1 october 1 2015 1 march 1 2014 5 december 1 september 1 july 1 may 1 april 1 2013 4 june 1 march 1 january 2 2012 11 october 1 september 1 august 1 june 1 may 2 april 1 march 1 february 2 january 1 2011 1 december 1 about me maxine who doesn t like a humorous stalker not one of those creepy ones that follows you around but one that makes you laugh and asks you to come back and stalk you some more one that you tell your friends about so they can be stalked too well you have come to the right place my place my blog no 911 calls please just emails to me if you enjoy what you read let the stalking begin view my complete profile simple theme 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