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o bad that it hurts physically but leaving still being the right thing in that moment in time it s about that moment in 2008 when someone i knew from the internet met me in person and took me to google the physical place that provides the infrastructure for our most random questions i loved that moment i still love it because it made the internet real and physical i treasure it like my memories of smothering the dial up modem under a pillow so i could get online in the middle of the night without waking my parents as an adult i find it a little funny that the incredible power of the internet was so very lost on me i took for granted talking to people on the other side of the world it just seemed normal of course it did right i didn t have a before time i just had the beeping of the dial up and ways to get around it but what does happen next this blog this experience maybe even this format it s played out i ve learned so much from it but it s not what i m passionate about anymore i want to spend my time learning about how better understanding the data we generate can teach us about ourselves unlock hidden patterns and allow us to make conscious decisions about privacy and sharing i m not sure where that happens but i don t think it happens here so goodbye for now thanks for reading responding engaging and letting me be a part of it i will miss you with the same longing as i miss sipping blue bottle on the embarcadero but i am very excited about what s to come written by kinkinexile march 27 2014 at 7 09 pm posted in headspace history memories and then spring sprang i haven t written in a really long time i think because i ve had a hard time untangling where to start and where to go from there i m thinking about game theory and the underpinnings of trust and generosity i m slogging through buy vs rent math and realizing that in my indecision i am doing both the work of finding a condo and that of finding an apartment i m having a house warming for the house i ll be moving out of shortly because if life has taught me one thing it s that everything is sufficiently unpredictable that the perfect time will not come but i had some thoughts on trust which are that building trust is fundamentally about taking a risk and waiting on the company or community scale it s about giving users something of value and not asking for a lot back right away and on a company scale that s just dandy but on an individual scale it gets hard in order to trust you have to get some goodies have a nice experience of that have that be reliable in some fashion and then ok you ll trust the other person but to be trusted you have to blindly give others goodies stuff snacks time attention etc ask for nothing back and after a while they ll trust you somehow despite sounding like opposite processes people manage to trust and be trusted all the time and often it just works magic so i ve been thinking about that and about how to be open and giving without being a doormat and what the context for all this looks like and then spring sprang i walked out of my house one morning and it was in the 50s and sunny and suddenly my entire experience of san francisco made sense i was happy i trusted the universe and i believed from the bottom of my heart that people are good and that an app could change the world i was in love with everything around me things started to click into place i stopped to ask myself why am i struggling people talk about leaning in or the wisdom of no escape but what i really want to talk about is intentionality if i am doing something i want to do it fully deeply and honestly i don t want to compromise i can embrace what the universe offers and approach it with curiosity and openness or i can go do something else entirely but i don t get to stay and struggle i don t get to put up with or make do that s not the life i m going for and that s not fair to the beautiful amazing people who share this world with me written by kinkinexile march 23 2014 at 8 43 pm posted in beauty headspace every time every time i see you re not queer enough or you re not kinky enough all i want to is put up another sign on my proverbial front lawn that says have the sex you want with the people you love and if you have the energy create the space for others to do the same sometimes i also want to stand on my front lawn and scream who the hell cares but i don t because sex is actually really important and group belonging can be very important so this whole thing breaks my heart from all directions and then i remember that time a friend and i had an argument about it and he was sitting on the stairs later trying to pacify me i think and he says it s bad for everyone but for some people the good outweighs the bad and that s true but what he missed was that my heart broke in that moment sex is powerful and intimate and beautiful it has the power to connect us and make use feel whole people risk beating and jail time for the right to have sex they want with the people they love and you want to take this precious beautiful thing and put it in a place that s bad for everyone no we can do better that friend was defending the bdsm scene but then i see people who realize that the bdsm scene is sorta a cult of personality or it s broken in some way specifically it s broken in that it hides abuse and puts itself out there as the only place to have safe kinky sex at the same time so people try to break away from that but then they police their new borders even more thoroughly it s the lavender menace all over again so i guess what i really want to say is that people have been trying to tell others how to have sex for 5000 years just because they are a leather title holder or they are a radical anti bdsm queer fairy doesn t give them any more say so about what you and your partner do wherever you do it another friend told me a while back that there is no such thing as radical sex you can work for cultural change you can try to change social views such that everyone feels accepted and open about their sexuality you can work to educate people about consent and change the frameworks we use to talk about it but when the bedroom door closes whatever you do it s about you and the person or people you re with and it s normal and perfect written by kinkinexile february 10 2014 at 9 37 pm posted in community headspace memories politics thinking about today i m thinking about the aftermath of losing someone and i m thinking about the moments we remember and the ways we change i m thinking about the ways i ve changed and the things i notice now too yesterday i went to a small experimental electronica dance party it was lovely and perfect hope you all are having a good weekend written by kinkinexile february 2 2014 at 8 32 am posted in uncategorized weekend or how my sex was influenced by heinlein novels i want to be whatever you need me to be i ground myself in this thought allow it to shape my approach to you wait for whatever subliminal cues i create from this to form wait for you to read them in my body i know how you like to have sex i am waiting to see if you tell me again if you will own your secrets and let me give your fantasies to you do you trust me i want to curate the things you thought were hard to find and lay them out before you i don t really care what those things are i m just here to facilitate believe it or not that turns me on it used to be confusing as well you in this scenario are usually submissive the things you want painful embarrassing perhaps unfair for the casual observer i am taking not facilitating i get off on taking too but that is different this is about creating the space you thought could not exist this is my healer mood i m shy about it because the healer requires hurt to exist i watch him watching him tie her up we are talking i think about marketing he isn t making eye contact with me he is watching a scene he wishes he was a part of i am bored i didn t expect to be bored having resurfaced the healer used her to find what s core to the sex i enjoy i was hoping to keep that energy to roll this thing that was going well forward and use it to spark something fun i thought perhaps this wouldn t work and i would find the event as a whole deeply upsetting this too didn t happen i am simply bored the kind of bored that sometimes happens at cocktail parties organized by professional conferences after you ve caught up with your colleagues said appreciative things to the day s speakers and had a pleasant chat about big data with someone you just look around drink in hand and wonder would anyone notice if i slip out to watch a bit of porn in the hotel room i ask myself if i would like to have a sexual experience with someone in this space perhaps the young man who works in publishing or the other gentleman who did make eye contact while discussing ad placement i don t i don t in this space this space is not designed to support the way i want to have sex this is fine it is designed to support that way people who like to have public sex like to have sex i want to have sex with you with the scary secret parts of you behind closed doors i want to create the space we inhabit with intentionality and purpose i m not sure what to do with this space so i prepare to leave i run into people whose company i would enjoy over a beer in some other context i look for a diplomatic way to answer will you be here tomorrow realizing eventually that those asking don t much care i can just smile say maybe and move on the next day i buy myself a fancy coffee and wonder as to what sexuality and sensuality look like in private away from those public sex spaces i ve been taught to think of as the pinnacle of sexual empowerment i suspect you ll be able to read it on my body written by kinkinexile january 28 2014 at 8 07 pm posted in headspace hello world so a lot of things have happened i moved cross country for example and i lost someone i knew and it was the anniversary of aaron swartz death yesterday i wrote a ton about suicide but i put it all in a notebook i can t find because i moved cross country the piece i remember best is this idea of concentric circles of grief i did not get to mourn in a direct sorta way for conor i got to hold his daughter and wash dishes for the person who was not washing dishes because she was talking to his widow and because i was washing dishes for the person who was talking to his widow my friends finished my packing for me and so it went in ever expanding circles of impact i held the people i love the person i was most worried for called me and we sat on the phone silent him in philadelphia and me in maui unsure if the other knew not wanting to be the first to say someone wrote a behind the scenes piece about how depression is a disease and most of us aren t doctors which i read and reread and watched my friends read we shared lists of mental health resources with the people who were left who probably weren t the people who needed them i tried and probably failed to not ask personal questions tried to give conor and his family the privacy and dignity they deserve i thanked the person who came over when i was at my lowest and reflected on how very lucky i was to pull out from depression i had a fight with an ex about the nature of suicide and how i relate to it i had a fight with an ex who thought i was wishing it away when i was sadly preparing for it to happen again i moved my stuff and carried boxes and rebuilt furniture and missed and still miss my tribe written by kinkinexile january 12 2014 at 12 28 pm posted in headspace memories personal struggling so i read this thing which actually sounds like a lot of other things i read and like a lot of things i read it positions the sex the writer enjoys having as so much kinkier than the sex i enjoy having and each time i read something about x being kinkier or queerer or generally all around nicer than y i have two reactions the first gut reaction is one of hmm not anger defensiveness perhaps my sex is kinky enough thank you very much defensiveness or if i m in the so much more group a reaction of don t use me as your banner person who doesn t know me it s a gut reaction the second the brain reaction is twofold 1 you have just defined more kinky tm as the goal state or more desirable state why is being kinky is personally important to you basically it s a reaction of you seem hurt by this game why are you trying to win by the rules that are hurting you and 2 meh other people s gradations of how kinky something is doesn t matter i m not sleeping with them they can be the most kinky or the least kinky or the differently kinky it s cool ok also 3 huh that got my hackles up i wonder if i have more identity tied in with kink than i d like to probably this caught me sorta like a rough nail on fabric not anything particular just noticing my own reaction it made me think of readers who might feel that way and what i want to say to that is have the sex you want with the people you love revel in the joy of it and in that coming home feeling of being seen in your entirety whatever that means for you don t apologize for the sex you do or don t want to have in fact if you re a woman take stock of how often you apologize for existing in the world you might be surprised if it s important to you to be so much kinkier then you are that but when you get there ask yourself why that s important and what gatekeeper told you you weren t kinky enough be what you need to be but don t become the gatekeeper that way lies madness and the status quo i guess the piece i m struggling with is not defending the sex i want to have as just as good kinky legitimate because it doesn t matter edit actually wait someone went out of their way to write about the sex that is fulfilling and exciting to them yay may it be everything they want and need it to be hot loving radical or whatever rings true to the people involved written by kinkinexile december 21 2013 at 11 21 pm posted in advice headspace identity and belonging a little more than a year ago i was sitting in a beer garden with some friends a couple of people i was dating at the time and maybe even some new kids i didn t know well and we were talking about academically marginalized youth actually we were talking about traveler kids punks and different ways of being poor or in poverty and what it meant to be in with an out group someone mentioned facial tattoos in the early days of punk rock when things were more radical and probably still today for people who are much more radical than i will ever hope to be a facial tattoo was a way of affirming one s commitment to the edge you have not only opted out of the status quo but you have effectively shut the door on ever being able to access it again this made sense in fact i had always wanted a facial piercing but hadn t gotten one because i had also wanted a job the day after that though i was in the bathroom looking in the mirror and...