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Text of the page (random words):
ng i can t tell you it was amazing author kfan posted on october 16 2008 april 13 2018 cherry coke zero some situations i am currently concerned about the political electoral and the continuous waves of stunned disbelief it gives rise to recent natural disasters here and abroad and the ensuing sense of this will only get worse wide scale domestic economic mayhem and the ensuing sense of see above that war thing that is still happening just this vague yet pervasive post millenial unease anyways let s talk sodas oh but wait here come some things the internet wants you to have an opinion on apparently there is a google browser josh you use it to look at the internet the lindsay samantha situation we need to be supportive what does it say about us as a country that we sit idly by and allow our government to force prisoners at guantanamo bay to read the comments on youtube serious don t you totally love the thing everyone won t shut up about this week probably it s a tv show i m not saying that i don t have opinions i m just saying it s hard especially for a person who is seeking relief in his personal life from strongly held and hastily considered opinions here are some of the things i do currently have opinions about if there was a wordpress plug in that granted or denied access to this website for each reader based on his or her level of enthusiasm for a certain current vp nominee i would not hesitate to ask josh to install it i am definitely a winter and my face looks sallow when i wear pastels so i should probably stop doing it twitter didn t kill the internet but it didn t volunteer to drive it to the hospital either lips that touch cochineal dinnae have sex appeal sometimes a man is too tired to stand up while he pees but that does not make him any less of a man he did climb all those stairs after all reasons i m thinking about all this posting an opinion of something on the internet is the karmic equivalent of shouting into the ear of your very deaf great grand aunt at thanksgiving who does not remember your name and who is more likely to accuse you of trying to steal her purse then ever pass the sweet potatoes i get asked my opinions on beverage related topics all the time and it s almost always a trap people want to know my opinions on a certain drink no one except them knows about high fructose corn syrup diet sodas and artificial sweeteners i tell them yeah cool yes it s bad but life is complicated yes they re not as good for you as water but soda and tumblr are my only vices so you know i feel like heaven is still in the offing they can t believe i haven t heard of that beverage i know the horrors of hfcs but would still willingly occasionally put them in my body i seriously think diet sodas are better for you than regular soda they actually cause more weight gain than regular soda plus give you all that cancer so like that but despite life being what it is people being what they are all the above mentioned non beverage non internet worries that keep me awake at night and engender in me a deep seated fear for my family s long term safety on this planet i do occasionally like to drink cherry coke zero it s good it basically tastes like regular cherry coke not exactly but closer than you d expect which makes it one of the better diet sodas there is they stock it at my office it costs me nothing i drink one and then move on to other things somewhere beyond the mechanical roar of the internet life continues author kfan posted on september 16 2008 april 13 2018 mcdonald s sweet tea anyways josh have i mentioned about mcdonald s sweet tea yet i like it it was basically my drink this summer as you probably know it s the only thing on their menu i can eat between the vegetarianism and the lactose intolerance and the soul crushing abhorrence of all things fun and entertaining i get the kids the occasional happy meal and you know it s been a hot summer josh one might even say it s been cruel don t i deserve something for myself yes i deserve something the mcd s sweet tea has spent the last few months on the mcdonald s dollar menu which means it s almost dumber not to get it particularly if like me you find single dollar bills to be the grossest thing since coined money think about singles josh who touches them the homeless and people who wear v neck t shirts and frequent the neighborhood bar because they don t own a tv that money is unclean and letting it malinger in my wallet will only cause me harm in the long run best to spend it quickly and wring what little enjoyment out of it i can originally my drink this summer was going to be the vanilla diet coke from steak shake they use real vanilla and the large is actually quite large it is a satisfying beverage for a hot day when you are driving around avoiding life but even here in the midwest we do not yet have a steak shake on every block whereas one is never more than a casual javelin toss from a mcdonald s hence the sweet tea and its reign as my drink of the summer and by the way on behalf of k4t congratulations to norway s andreas thorkildsen on his performance at the beijing olympics this summer norge bør være svært stolte i ll just say this i don t know what science lab they make it in what horrifying resources were squandered in its creation but at least it takes like actual tea not like the stuff at mcallisters do you have mcallister s where you live they are a chain restaurant that positions itself as the place to go for southern style sweet tea they laud their tea as famous which it is not by any discernible measure save their own say so all i know is mcdonald s s tastes better perhaps they are using more insidious chemicals to mimic real tea flavor or maybe it s just that they re throwing more marketing resources at the problem or perhaps i ve just given up either way i like it and for now that will be enough to carry me one more time around this unbearable sun so there there is my positive review of a beverage which was clearly added to the menu of a globally maligned chain restaurant inextricably linked to the downfall of society in order to incentivize additional upsell opportunities i offer it freely to an undeserving internet to be drowned out amongst the top ten lists and celebrity upskirts the paid blogvertisements and apple punditry the mp3s from bands who formed last week and will have already broken up this time next week when the tide has turned against them the anonymous unyielding firehose of homophobic sexist racist and completely off topic comments and the endlessly navel gazing and villifying arguments between people who ve never met on the minutae of topics in which they have no personal stake i give this to you you i give this to you yes actually i do know that buying my children happy meals makes me the worst parent since grandpappy hitler spared the rod but unlike most bloggers my writing on the internet is not borne of loneliness and self hatred and a desperate need to have my decisions justified by people as sad and hopeless as i am thanks though author kfan posted on september 4 2008 april 11 2018 mcdonald s minty mudbath shake a list of reasons why i might possibly need a treat this week had a date but forgot how fast i get pit stains when the temperature is above 20 c wore my new hiphuggers but no one lovingly referred to me as a muffin top sarah in accounts receivable did her impression of how loudly i blow my nose and everyone had a good laugh when they did not know that i was within earshot hearing the whole thing and i am sorry that i blow my nose so loudly but i have a condition my parrot professor wikipedia refuses to talk to me anymore and when i ask him to do his wolf whistle or if he would like a cracker he just goes page not found l o l and i did not teach him that i sent josh an email almost a whole day ago and all i ve received in return so far is his usual afk either blind off maw s hooch or ruining another toilet maybe both and if this is kiven sp i thought i said fuck off autoresponder is it any wonder with a week like this that i might run bawling in the direction of the nearest frozen ice creamy treat even if said treat is at mcdonald s can i be forgiven for such a crime against humanity cows rainforests whatever it s so easy for you all to judge me you don t have my life you don t have my pit stains you don t have josh to deal with you don t know the special place mcdonald s shakes used to have in my life especially around st patrick s day when dad s alcoholic haze would lift just enough for him to pile us in the car for shamrock shakes kids he would say your mom hates you and it s your fault she left but there was ne er a pain that a shamrock shake wouldn t quiet and god damn it he was right little did my dad know that a lifetime spent drowning my emotions in sugary juices and sodas would one day lead me to starting this website i guess i have him to thank for that and the fact that none of my belts fit shamrock shakes are gross now by the way i guess at some point they began replacing the mint flavoring with wintergreen tussin kinda weird not really my thing the minty mudbath doesn t fare much better the chocolate and mint don t blend so much as cancel each other out pretty disappointing normally when a drink has a name like mud bath you expect it to be so good author kfan posted on august 27 2007 april 9 2018 4 comments on mcdonald s minty mudbath shake mountain dew limited edition halo 3 game fuel dag josh i wish you had been the one writing this beview because it would have been a great opportunity for you to do one of your patented behind the scenes dialogue imaginariums like you ve got the microsoft bungie people on one side of the room and the mountain dew pepsico suits on the other side all banging their noggins together and saying just the most ridiculous ideas for what kind of soda would help sell halo 3 to gamers i picture you writing something very hilarious i picture you writing something ok that was uncalled for so anyways it would be fun to imagine how that conversation went because somewhere along the line for some reason i cannot even begin to wrap my head around someone decided that a good marketing campaign would center around a soda that tastes like a mouthful of starburst flavored condoms and then other people ok d that idea and then hundreds of other people got out of bed the next morning and set to work bringing that idea to life related i m kind of not super excited about the next 50 years on this planet anyhooters halo 3 isn t out yet so if you want to know does this beverage make you awesome at using the gravity gun to remove miranda keye s pantaloons hold tight i do not have that information yet but i can tell you that after drinking this i did absolutely whale on some super mario bros 2 on the gba i finished the game using luigi almost exclusively there was just this one part where i had to use toad b c homey is waaay faster at picking up the birdo eggs and i was getting mad pissy at the game you know how i do author kfan posted on august 15 2007 april 9 2018 8 comments on mountain dew limited edition halo 3 game fuel vita coco aiiiiiieeeeee why do i even bother even though i d already completely besmirched the name of this drink in the asides when i came upon it in the wild i allowed myself to get all curious and intrigued despite myself because god damn it where i come from coconut pineapple piña colada and that is the kind of solid beverage a man can hang his kangol on nephew but no my previous complaints about zico are still valid god or science or whoever has not taken my advice and re engineered natural coconut water flavor it still tastes like complete saliva ass at least in this case it s a little sweeter and more fruity than zico like tongue kissing carmen miranda maybe omg you guys did i just make a carmen miranda reference on the internet god what year is it no one will have any idea what i m talking about and i m too lazy to think of a more inspired simile well while i m showing my age i will also tell a related anecdote from my personal life the other day my 4 year old was doing something i don t know what maybe playing video games when suddenly he stopped and looked off into the middle distance for a moment and then turned to me and said everyone s slobber tastes the same which yes and coconut water tastes like everyone s slobber although it will apparently take me a lifetime to learn this lesson ps confidential to josh this comes in a tetra pak which i know gets you all boney maronie author kfan posted on august 13 2007 april 9 2018 4 comments on vita coco vita coco whatever article about an annoying guy trying to position another annoying coconut water beverage as miracle health elixir k4t has already alerted the internet to how much we don t like zico so this guy has no chance thanks balg author kfan posted on july 26 2007 april 9 2018 dr brown s cel ray there s this spanish billboard for sierra mist that s near my work and i see it every day and i think about it every day against a blank white background is a giant bottle of s mist surrounded by small people one small guy is chainsawing the bottle vertically chopping off the front half this half is falling over onto three other small people who are recoiling in terror about to be crushed the back half of the bottle stays put revealing what is contained within sierra mist blue skies and white fluffy clouds there is a spanish tagline but i can t remember what it says the whole thing looks like it was assembled from royalty free stock photos in some program that you use when you can t afford photoshop i find it fascinating advertising expert a what s inside a bottle of sierra mist a nice summer day is what advertising expert b you mean metaphorically a keep up with me now how do we communicate that visually b the viewer dives into a giant bottle and swims around some kind of magical summertime dreamworld a ok but we only have this one picture of the bottle and only about 200 left in the budget and this is a billboard b we have someone slice open the bottle and it s like hell o a like with a fucking katana b yeah like a ninja of some sort a the bottle needs to be the hero though needs to be really big b so he s the littlest ninja a what if instead it was like a lumberjack chopping down a tree that way the sizing thing makes more sense b he s got a chainsaw a yeah but except he can t cut it like a tree like horizontally because we need to see the nice summer day inside so he s got to cut it from top to bottom b no argument over here what if he chops that thing and it falls on some people a what the hell are you saying to me right now b billboards are wide we need something to fill up the right side a how about a nice tagline like a normal person b picture it they re all aiieeeeeee a because because the flavor is so big and overpowering and delicious it could actually crush you b yeah man doy a dang man you ve done it a...