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description=Orders must be obeyed without question at all times.;

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orried that s what you get for missing the end of things scarred for life volume 1 is out now purchase a copy directly from http www lulu com shop stephen brotherstone dave lawrence scarred for life volume one paperback product 23116461 html instructions to claim your free colour ebook version can be found on page 2 of the print edition hancock s half hour the harry secombe episodes part 4 posted by difbrook on september 16 2016 posted in radio comment radio review tagged andree melly bbc bill kerr hancock s half hour harry secombe sid james tony hancock 4 comments well here we are after three weeks of harry secombe covering for an indisposed tony hancock we re back to where we started the regular cast assembled on 8th may 1955 to pick up where they left off with a recording session at the paris studios for transmission a mere two days later business as usual not quite there s a debt that needs repaying so it s time for a fighting fit hancock to pay a visit to swansea kenneth williams is on duty again as announcer as he introduces ken bill kerr sidney james andree melly and kenneth williams in hancock s half hour still no sign of hancock s name in the opening credits no sign of harry either kenneth continues ken harry secombe having successfully deputised for tony hancock for the last three weeks he has now left london for his hometown swansea with no one left to impose upon bill kerr has had to find alternative ready made accomodation the alternative being hancock s empty flat and the ready maid being andree melly or so he thinks we open on bill and andree listening to a recording of harry singing the script specifies heart of a clown must be one of the best records he s ever made comments bill andree wonderful i m going to miss harry bill so am i he took all his money with him it would appear that there s enough money left for three or four weeks after which it s time for drastic measures andree will have to go out to work bill pleads exclusion on account of his war wounds andree you told me you were in the cookhouse bill we had more casualties there than any branch of the australian army bill leaves to conduct some important business once he s found his billiard chalk andree takes a few minutes to listen to harry again before carrying on with the washing up at which point tony ah home again at last hancock s haven the swallow returns to his nest three weeks away and hello i left the gramophone on hasn t done the record any good by the sound of it there s an important task to be performed here andree s supposed to be a regular cast member but she hasn t actually met tony yet she came over from france with bill this could be awkward andree is that you bill you re back quickly i wasn t expecting you till oh tony good evening andree good evening tony who are you andree i live here tony well that solves me problem of what to do in the evenings doesn t it how did you get here andree mr kerr said i could stay here he said it would be alright tony well it looks as though he is andree oh you know mr kerr tony yes we ve met andree of course i ve just realised who you are tony pleased have you andree yes you re the labourer bill was going to send round to clear this place up at which point tony clocks the devastation left after one of bill s all night parties a few beer stains on the wallpaper me contemporary two tones ruined one and six and three a yard some cigarette holes in the carpet and the chair tony sits down in having come over all faint the fx instructions add a simple terrific crash at this point there s a scored through section in the script here andree well you see some things got broken tony add mr kerr s name to the list will you rather sweetly andree breaks down in tears on tony s behalf tony attempts to comfort her andree recovers andree you re very sweet tony i have me moments andree i ve heard so much about you from bill tony have you andree yes i don t think you re ugly tony of course not don t let me face mislead you methinks mr kerr and myself will be having a few words bill way off mike singing i can t give you anything but love baby tony ah hear the gentle lark bill enters speculating how much they could get for tony s radiogram about thirty seven pounds comments tony drily at which point bill clocks just who s got there ahead of him he attempts to salvage the situation bill where have you been all these weeks we ve had no word we thought you were dead tony quite a little wake you had here last night bill i was only drowning my sorrows you ve no idea how upset i ve been the mental agony of not knowing where you were not sleeping at nights pacing my room wondering where to find you looking everywhere for you andree that s right he searched my room dozens of times tony attempts to explain his absence by taking off on one of his trademark flights of fancy when whitehall calls one doesn t question on being pressed further he explains tony i can t divulge it william but i can tell you this the gayness has gone right out of budapest oh yes i know the ghoulash at pauls is quite piquant and the tokay at nikolai s ah but it s only surface william underneath well it s nasty quite quite nasty bill seaview hotel bognor regis tony eh bill the label on your suitcase eventually tony cops to it he s had a cold in his head and it took him seven weeks to get over it with the size of his head it could be murmurs bill at this point it s worth pausing to realise that harry s been covering for tony within continuity as well standing in on the radio show the fictional hancock sid and bill do for the bbc all of which leads to this unsurprising revelation tony isn t altogether comfortable with the reaction harry got on his show while he was away tony i must admit he was very funny i laughed i laughed a great deal i thought i was going to cry bill harry did a wonderful job he made you look a bit sick you should have heard the people laugh tony well of course they would look at the shape of him short little fat bloke don t know what they see in him another deleted section follows bill what talent the guy s got sings like a dream tony so can i sings be my love for no one else can end this yearning bill my what funny dreams you have andree and bill begin to apply pressure on tony to thank harry for covering he got paid protests tony the others think that s not sufficient and tony should show a bit of gratitude another deleted exchange andree it would be a nice gesture tony i could think of better ones since harry s gone home to swansea bill and andree suggest paying harry a visit that s practically abroad not as far as budapest there s a train leaving shortly so with a blast of genevive hancock disc 5 band 1 of the bbc s music library hancock s half hour for the use of and a nifty crossfade we arrive at paddington deputised to get the railway tickets tony has the misfortune to get kenneth williams at the booking office the script direction reads precious which i presume comes out as kenneth s traditional snide character kenneth oh i do envy you swansea it s so beautiful at this time of the year i took the wife there for a holiday last year she likes wales you know and we had a lovely time really only five days rain during the whole week we were there this exchange goes on for several pages with kenneth utterly refusing to allow hancock to get in there s much play about his sister in law she s got a bad back apparently when he finally does get the upper hand hancock turns the table on him spinning one of his tall war stories and showing kenneth just how to bore for britain eventually though both run out of steam tony oh er three returns to swansea please kenneth you ve got the wrong window tony what do you look please can t you try to make an allowance just this once i m in a hurry my train leaves in two minutes please can t you possibly give me three returns to swansea kenneth i very much doubt it this is the underground tickets finally procured our heroes make a mercy dash for the train only to be blocked by a ticket inspector kenneth again bear in mind by this stage tony and kenneth have been at it for about five or six minutes of solid to and fro dialogue kenneth so you re going to swansea eh lovely place you ll like it i ve got a brother on the underground goes to see his sister in law there every year it s her back you know gets seized up ooooooow my shin they dash for the train now well and truly leaving the station come on bannister grab my hand exhorts bill to a knackered tony but it s all to no avail they ve got to wait for the next one but thankfully this gives bill time to go and stock up on reading material once comfortably on board with five hours to go to swansea he settles in for a literary feast andree you ve dropped your glasses bill oh thanks tony funny glasses aren t they bill engrossed mm oh they re my reading glasses they make everything stand out much clearer hancock show us those books diana dors in 3d sixteen classical poses in 3d artistic nude studies in bill i m interested in photography tony attempts to interest bill in the passing countryside i m more interested in diana dors than in pigs and sheep at which point a certain absent member of the cast finally joins them sid s on board doing carriage to carriage retail car seat covers coal electric light bulbs i ve been from one end of the train to the other he asks them where they re off to andree swansea we re trying to locate harry secombe tony wants to thank him for taking over his radio show when he was ill sid thank him cor blimey if i was in your shoes hancock i ve murder him tony oh that s a silly attitude to take just because harry was a big success i mean it was good for the show i was pleased that he got all the big laughs i mean if i wasn t such a well established favourite it might have worried me but it s it s i ve still got me fans one or two of them still write it s not that well i what did you say you d do if you were in my shoes sid murder him tony what size boots do you take sid tens tony here s nine and a half see what you can do following a deleted sing song bill s promising rendition of eskimo nell cut short when he remembers the presence of andree sid suggests they beguile the hours with a game of cards tony no thank you i ve played with you before strip poker remember i had six suits in the wardrobe and i still had to go to work next morning in a barrel bill forgetting for the moment that andree is indeed still present begins to regale the carriage with a dirty joke or two and is interrupted oh yes by kenneth this time in the guise of an innocent looking vicar looking for somewhere to sit turns out he s visiting a relative in swansea who has a bad back as tony comments he probably has a relative working on the underground the vicar seems a nice old soul albeit one dressed in a sharkskin suit and recently returned from america i m a sort of billy graham in reverse he inadvertently reveals that he s got two thousand quid on him he s raising money for a new church roof sid senses an opportunity and invites him to join the card school shortly kenneth well there we are i think that just about cleans you out doesn t it gentlemen that is the expression isn t it well good day to you gentlemen it s been such a pleasant journey the rest of this scene is scored through it carries on kenneth we should have an excellent roof for the church now er before i go you wouldn t like to make a little donation to the box would you tony no but if you ll tell us where it is we ll be your first applicants finally the train pulls in at swansea tony rev just one thing before you go kenneth yes tony can we have our suits back the only address anyone has for harry is 32 penwellyn road eventually our tired and weary travellers arrive to be greeted by andree doing double service as a welsh landlady tony i d like to speak to my dear friend harry secombe please andree so would i he left here four years ago without paying his rent are you friends of his tony and bill no tony have you any idea where i can find him andree oh no i couldn t tell you man i haven t stepped foot outside this house for three years now tony i m very sorry to hear that what s wrong with you andree it s my back you know i get seized up incredibly the gag about the sister in swansea is still going so everyone beats a hasty retreat hours of footsore wandering later they encounter the hardest working man at the bbc at least for the purposes of this script yes it s kenneth again this time playing a little welshman kenneth oooh you re foreigners from across the border aren t you tony we re english kenneth well never mind we can t all be welsh can we now what can i do for you bill we re trying to find harry secombe kenneth oh aye young harry bach a fine lad is harry i heard him on the electric talking wireless without pictures last week in that hancock s half hour smashin he was much better than that fellow whose place he took what was his name anyway oh he was a dead loss anyway harry bach showed him up proper he did you ve never heard such laughs i wonder this tiny hancock has got the nerve to try and follow harry bach of course harry s got the advantage he s welsh you see finally harry s found working down a coal mine he does it when he s not working for the bbc because he can t afford coal on the money they pay him at auntie a grand worker is harry very handy with the shovel he s working down the mines right now in that mountain just over there tony there s no mountain over there kenneth isn t there cor he must have knocked up loads of money this week then sadly their luck s out harry s just gone down the pit and won t be back up for eight hours they ll have to wait or will they just coming off shift are three burly welsh miners incredibly ray alan and kenneth and they re just the same size as tony bill and sid you can tell they re welsh miners they re singing sospan fach having duffed up ray alan and kenneth for their outfits tony bill and sid head down the pit they re also singing sospan fach just to allay suspicion wonderfully tony gets sidetracked having one of his little chats with alan simpson even more wonderfully he reveals that these little chats are a feature of the fictional hancock s half hour he appears in as well alan s interjections are included here in brackets tony i m looking for harry secombe he did the radio show for me i know well you were there did he speak to you not a word no little chats ignored me i m not surprised he s very unsociable hancock s jealousy gets the better of him as alan rashly reveals that he preferred harry to hancock and gets a pickaxe for his pains tony did my pickaxe go into your head yes i m sorry it s alright it s only the sharp bit it s made a nasty hole hasn t it don t worry never mind somewhere to put your cigarette ash isn t it well exactly i ve got to be going now give my regards to the wife and the fifteen kids sixteen well i haven t see...