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opping and just being together i loved every minute of it i knew that come 8 oclock i would have to say goodbye to all of them shauna was sweet to drop me off at the airport on her way back to bountiful we had the nicest visit i love all my sisters in law they are all amazing women who inspire me daily i love the one on one time i get with them i got to have that evening with just her i loved it thanks shauna thank you to everyone who made the weekend just absolutely wonderful while i was there i stayed with sharlene they have a basement that was available i went to bed around 10 i had the whole downstairs to myself i felt kind of lonely but i found comfort in it also i feel like i need to share an experience i had i was ready for bed i was trying to go to sleep and i couldn t i was trying to figure out why maybe it was because i was missing lance or my kids or maybe because i was so tired i had a hard time calming down i remembered that i had forgotten to say my prayers so i knelt down i just cried i laid it all to him above once again i hate cancer i told him that i told that to him several times after a good cry then i quietly got back into bed i was wide awake my thoughts drifted to madalynn i thought about her a lot the way she felt the way she smelled the promise that was made that morning will come and we would see her again i found comfort in that wondering if she was aware of me and what i was feeling i laid there and closed my eyes morning will come i am sure of it a new day where we will be free from fear fear of the unknown and free from all pain i don t feel physical pain in fact this is the best i have felt for a really long time for the first time in my life i feel great there is another aspect of pain emotional pain this dark cloud that i have prayed so hard to be taken away is still there there was a story told this weekend of a man who has been suffering from cancer in his jaw he has been in a lot of pain he had a dream that he was in a huge room with lots of people who were suffering from pain the door opened and in walked the savior this man was aware of him he said he couldn t describe him only that it was love the savior went to some and commanded that they be healed and they were some of them were not when it came time for his turn he pleaded with the lord to be healed he had faith to be healed and was sure the savior would then he said the savior told him that it would be too unkind of him to heal him what does that mean why would that be unkind of the savior maybe he loves me so much that he has given this to me i have the faith to be healed i have the faith that the savior can take this from me from us my mother in law reminded me that when lance and i were engaged we went to the movie theater to see charly why we went to this movie i still have no idea but we went and hated it she reminded me that lance was troubled by that movie he prayed that that would never be us now here we are young with a family and with breast cancer surgery is scheduled for april 6th a single mastectomy is scheduled and they will test my lymph nodes to see if it has spread until then we really won t know so we just cross our fingers and toes and everything else that crosses that it will be good news we have had small miracles along the way praying that they will continue to come i know the lord knows me i know i have the faith to be healed i know that morning will come and it will be glorious from the minds of lance and melissa snyder around 9 13 am 1 comment march 16 2015 the more i think the more i have time to think the crazier i become my goal is to keep busy hard to do sometimes many times actually just trying to find enough things to keep me occupied is the goal for this week this week should be pretty close to normal no appointments are scheduled we are just waiting to see what the gene test results are this will be a big decision maker for us so until then we just sit tight hard to do all of this started only about 3 weeks ago this has been the longest 3 weeks of my entire life i feel like i have aged 10 years since then this morning my alarm clock rang at 6 30 time to get up and go to the gym i lay in bed wondering if that is what i really feel like doing i know i gotta get up and get going this is what i have been doing for the past 9 months but this morning i have to fight myself to get up but i do it anyways i made it to the gym and i am so glad i did getting a good workout is what i like best in the morning it starts my day off right everyone knows when i don t make it to the gym those days kind of stand out so far i still feel normal i don t hurt i don t have any aches or pains i feel good i know this will change in the next little while i am scared i am terrified of what this is going to do to me what will i look like who am i going to become a monster every time i look at the pictures of women who have had similar experiences to what i will do it terrifies me and i have to turn it off i am trying to prepare myself mentally but i am not even sure that is possible until we are in the thick of things we still have no idea if it has spread we will know once i am under the knife and dr szentes can test the lymph nodes my fingers and toes are crossed that those will be free and clear and if they are well we will cross that road when we get there if we get there yesterday was my father s birthday he turned 61 that feels old but he doesn t look it we had a family dinner at my parents last night my niece ava had a birthday as well so we celebrated them together that is what we do in our family we celebrate it on that sunday so everyone can be there as we were sitting around the table we started talking and people started asking about appointments we had this week we started to talk about cancer and all different possibilities we might be up against losing my ovaries losing my chest and possibly all my hair what is left of me that is feminine not much all i could do was sit there and silently cry i am going to become an it that is all i could think about an it i felt like my identity being washed away i am scared i am really scared i admit it i feel defeated some days when i think about it long and hard this week we have no appointments i want to feel normal have a normal week with my children this weekend i will fly to utah on friday to spend the weekend with my in laws for a sisters weekend i am really looking forward to that something fun to do before crazy starts so the more i think about it the more i just want to have a normal week so that is what we are going to do it is already filled with baseball practice soccer practice piano lessons scouts mutual and all the other things we do as a family it s going to be a good week from the minds of lance and melissa snyder around 10 33 am no comments march 12 2015 miracle 2 i missed writing down miracle 1 lance informed me that we found it so early yes to some that isn t considered a miracle the fact that i have breast cancer is not a miracle at all but the fact that we found it early is miracle 2 happened this morning last week i had my first breast mri to give the doctor s a better image of the breast and to see the cancer and what was going on when we received the news that there was something showing on the left side well that just made me sick to my stomach all the thoughts that run through your mind as to what it could be has the cancer spread is it in both breasts does this mean it is going to get pretty ugly from here on out those were all the thoughts i have been been entertaining up until this morning literally i couldn t eat sleep or just enjoy everyday life every time something hurt or didn t feel right i would tell myself that it was probably the cancer spreading you know depressing stuff that is what the mind does to you when all you have is time time to think time to play out all the scenarios time really is torture this morning came i didn t sleep at all last night i took 4 melatonin and was thinking that would put me out but i think my mind was stronger than the meds all i did last night was pray pray pray and pray some more i remember looking over at the alarm clock constantly to see what time it was i must have eventually drifted off to sleep because my alarm went off at 6 am this morning we had to be to the hospital by 7 30 so they could get me all set up for the mri can i just say how much i hate mri s being confined and the loud noise it is really quite terrifying for me the nurses and doctors were all very nice after i had dressed into the lovely scrubs an older man by the name of ray came to take me back to administer the iv i sat in a very sterile room it was just me and him as he was getting ready i just sat there and started to cry he turned around and stopped and sat down right in front of me he held my hand and looked me right in the eye and said you got this do you know how many times i have heard that phrase millions of times he sat and talked with me for awhile until i started to calm down a nurse came in and started to give me some medicine to help me through the mri they had doubled my prescription because last time it didn t really work so well bless them all i sat alone for about 5 minutes and the only sound i could hear was a constant loud beeping to some this would be really annoying but to me this was calming it helped settle me down i welcomed that sound the iv was in and dr macy who was going to perform the biopsy came in and introduced herself i felt good around her she was gentle friendly and very personable i really liked her after the medicine really started to kick in 5 10 minutes they had me walk to the next room which was the mri room now picture with me a very large room with a very large machine smack dab in the middle the walls are a beautiful color and there are plants in the room that was the first thing i noticed why are there plants in the mri room sign that life is beautiful and can still go on in the middle of all the crazy out there anways they had me lay face down on the machine and placed me where they needed me more pinching more pressure and i was ready ray was right there to put a warm blanket over me and he also put some head phones on me so i could listen to music i am still not quite sure why they give you that option because once you are in the mri it is all static and the loud pounding of the machine is much louder and it blocks out all sound here we go i was so out of it i was so groggy they asked me if i was okay and all i did i guess was just lay there so they pushed me in this time i wasn t anxious just really relaxed i prayed some more i prayed a lot all i asked the lord for this time was a small chance for something good some ounce of good information because all we have heard is negative this whole time if i could get just one ounce of good information to keep me going i would be grateful oh i forgot to mention that before i went into the mri machine dr macy asked me if i had any questions i asked her if she believed in miracles she responded that she had seen some happen i told her that i wanted a miracle today i wanted her to give me good news when we were done 30 minutes of laying in the machine and just praying i wasn t crying this time no itches just a slightly uncomfortable back with the position i was in but i was good i prayed that whole 30 minutes it felt more like i was talking to myself i have been told and taught many times growing up that we should find time to pray out loud something about praying out loud makes me strange at least for me so i have decided that in order to be heard i am going to pray out loud i was told that there would be a lot of pulling me out of the machine and putting me back in so that they could find the exact location of the spot they were going to test but nothing like that happened i was in there the whole time when they pulled me out i was waiting to feel the needle and the biospy would begin dr macy was there rubbing my back telling me that i was done and that i could sit up i knew i was groggy but i wasn t groggy enough to know that they had missed the biopsy part when i sat up the first thing she said melissa you got your miracle she went on to explain that she could not find anything there it was simply gone there was nothing to test it was clear i sat there silently he heard me he blessed me with a miracle i have dr macy a hug and told her that we had to go and tell lance right away so she helped me out and we went straight into the waiting room where lance had been waiting the whole time i was groggy but a happy groggy miracle 2 happened right before out eyes i know god is a god of miracles miracles come big and small now maybe this was a small miracle to some but to us it was huge huge enough to celebrate my left breast was okay no cancer if only my right side could have that same miracle i know i can t ask the lord for that right now small victories i will take it tears of joy today now some of you might say ya but you still have cancer i know i know that i feel it there is no getting away from that cloud that hangs over me every second of every day but today i see the sun peaking through and we are going to beat this i feel it the road might be long and hard but we are going to beat this cancer will never take what is mine i choose to live i choose to be happy so tonight as i write this i feel at peace i am very grateful to heavenly father for allowing me this one small miracle from the minds of lance and melissa snyder around 8 47 pm no comments march 9 2015 my honest faith sunday has come and gone owen woke up feeling really crummy it was literally coming out both ends and i judging by his reaction i don t think he has ever had diarrhea like that before it kind of freaked him out lance leaves early in the morning for meetings sunday mornings are kind of lonely in our home we just got a new dvd on 50 different scenes from the gospel series truly beautiful video this was one literally 24 7 in our home i sent lance a text that i was going to have to miss church because lance is conducting in sacrament this month i felt let down church was the one place i wanted to be luckily my father came to the rescue he has been hands down there whenever i have needed someone i am so thankful for that it is hard for me to leave my children now with this diagnosis i just want to be at home with them our sacrament meeting starts at 1 pm hayden and owen went down for a nap it was going to be an easy afternoon church was better than i thought i didn t want people to feel sorry for us or make it an all about me sacrament that was not my intent at all i only had 3 of my 5 children with me and it was so relaxing it was nice to sit and listen and just be still kind of lance bore his testimony i watched him and just felt this immense love for him he has been my rock and just a great support to me i don t know what i would do without him i just knew i need...