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Text of the page (random words):
heartache came and build this wall and i started to fill those walls with real animals dogs horses chickens ducks cats and i dedicated myself to them the best i could i would run to my horses when my heart hurt and spill all my brokenness to them the dogs would lay on my legs when they ached as i bled i would watch the chickens and ducks interact and swear that if other humans could see how they lived and cared for each other the world with heal you see my dear poet somehow i be friended all of them the crow that greeted me on the hammock the woodpeckers that played among the sunflowers as i picked vegetables the chipmunks that no longer ran as i filled water buckets the two coyotes that i felt sorry for i can whisper speak openly to them and although i don t know how all the animals i have cared for and seen feel about me what i do know is somehow i am me among them and if that is what you are feeling my darling than i say you must befriend the fox listening to this as i write posted by onesilentwinter at 5 56 pm 3 comments tuesday october 2 the autumn road to change i sit here in a dark corner of the second floor bedroom the rain falls on the tin roof and a kind light makes it s way through two windows i could apologize for being gone from this place for so long but in truth i have failed myself for the life lived between the last time i posted and now has been beautiful and heartbreaking all at once my daughter my life has been growing and each day has been a chapter that should have been documented here all i can do is start today and see how i do yesterday after homeschool group and the chaos of it something poet and i will have to get used to we came home to gather a few things and even though raining i equipped each of us with phones and headed to take photographs poet is incredible at noticing things and this new type of adventure that included her having a device to document was not wasted on her it was so lovely to watch her find what she was attracted to i felt a peace something that has eluded me for to long for it to be healthy perhaps because nature is changing the craving for a personal change has quieted in down only time will tell the one thing you should know is the love i have for poet my daughter is by far the most incredible i have ever felt so here i am again posted by onesilentwinter at 12 52 pm 8 comments saturday february 18 saturday road i am going on an adventure the open road a small one just a day really but life can change in a minute so image a whole day full of minutes posted by onesilentwinter at 11 18 am 4 comments sunday february 12 winter thoughts the snow falls days now and with every inch i seem to fall more deeply in love with winter it s beauty and the calm it brings have always been like a kind companion to my thoughts it quietness a soundtrack to the scenes before me i am sitting by the window and the soft dusk light floats in and this plays soon i will leave getting up from this old grey chair and put my winter layers to head out doors and become part of the scenery i have been staring at for hours now how are you there is a beautiful melancholy that has been brewing inside of me a mix of the relief of making it to the other side finalement and the newness that comes with the reaching of a new hand i can think twenty thoughts at once as of late sometimes uncomfortable but the other day a quiet whisper allowed me the time and space to let those thoughts fall where they may and wait for one to perhaps grow into something more last night we went to his house and listened to him sing a song he wrote about the love of his life 59 years worth of love and memories i was glad you came with me and listened to not what we are used eh togetherness minutes before you told me you where giving up on us a second later i got a glimpse of my physical and i felt a relief there was nothing there to want oh that light five the winter hour i love the most the light compels me more than writing down more words thoughts i shall think of you as i try to catch snowflakes and perhaps i will create a being made of snow and be with him till he goes posted by onesilentwinter at 5 15 pm 4 comments wednesday january 18 the light of my being a mix of soft snow and fog is creating such an ethereal afternoon here on the hill music is playing and a little girl is getting ready for her french class i like the drive that brings me to madame sabine s house where i drop of my little poet but for a moment afterwards i am lost who am i when i am not mothering who am i when i am not running or creating something those questions are slowly being answered as i try to navigate this new path it is wrong to wish to go back to certain times of certainty and confidence a time where maybe i took happiness and in the moment for granted forward will bring me to a place similar in feeling but how much does the heart crave peace and solid beats this year will be one of travel as that side of me stayed dormant last year due to being spread to thin right now i feel as if there is so much of me to give but no clear recipient or vessel other than my darling to catch it all again i find myself wanting to do something beyond what benefits me the hill needs so much of my attention and i can not wait to make it all shiny and new again i have been working on a project that if successful will teach me so much about the merge of past and future helping to create a balance i often seem to lack in my personal path today it is the keys of the piano that has me feeling all sorts of things and this image i took of poet the other day as we traveled across the mountain with our recovering bodies and sat at a cafe i spotted the light and before i could say anything this little being ran to it and then i suddenly forgot where the light source was coming from i remembered it was all her today s music posted by onesilentwinter at 2 53 pm 5 comments thursday january 12 the soft rain and warm air dear friends thank you so much for the comments and emails made me smile but moreso gave me this sense of familiarity that i have been craving poet and i have been home with head colds and except for the chores we have not ventured outside in days today i just needed a walk and although it was raining the air was warm and the drops soft the landscape always changing today my favorite winter colors emerged the ones that feel as if you are walking in painting andrew wyeth if i was to be specific i have decided to devote a half hour of my day to write here in these pages a half hour of listening to music and writing i sat down with poet and told her my plan and that she could read or draw during that time she looked at and said i will make dinner i write this as she is handing me slices of oranges between her preparing dinner she cooks so beautifully and passionately at her age i taught her knife skills very early on when i realized she would always go for the knife and it was best to teach her the proper methods she knows how much olive oil to put in the pan how to snap asparagus and peel garlic she can combine food so beautifully matched like chickpea lemon garlic and fresh herbs i should take photographs for you i am sipping some sparkling water as i type the only way i can drink water these days and i make it myself i know it seems silly to speak about it but this simple machine that requires no electricity and can instantly turn my well water to this bubbly water makes me kid like happy it is amazing how we could run from a certain kind of rain and in another walk gently not caring how wet we get i have not done so many of the things that used to come easy like daily walks no matter the weather today we started again the weather has gone from mild to extreme cold and mild again i like my winters with a good two feet of snow and in the thirties it healthy that way the things that need to be dormant are allowed to do so the animals body temperature is steady food intake predictable and healthy and the quiet that snow brings helps one quiet the urge to do more than one can i must go now poet has nappa cabbage pineapple garlic on the counter i am wondering what we are making posted by onesilentwinter at 6 04 pm 4 comments tuesday january 10 finding my way back here this abandoned place dear friends i will never be able to fill in the pages with the moments and stories that have taken place in the years i have been away yet i might on occasion travel back to memories that helped thread together parts of myself that has brought me back here i am not sure if anyone i once knew and think of often will find themselves back here to this abandoned place either way i will paint you picture with little vignettes of words and images and let you piece things together take what you need and for those who felt abandoned by me i am truly sorry i paid the price for doing so i am sitting at my kitchen table it is winter dark and windy the kind that makes the windows rattle and has the fires warmths disappearing before it reaches my skin i am listening to keaton henson my beautiful four year old daughter poet is on the couch reading and i am pleased that i am typing away finally there is reluncholus flowers on the table in a white pitcher that i bought her on my way back from montreal because i was told when i left she thought mommy is gone to get dinner and buy me flowers it was bittersweet to get that call that i could not turn around right then and make my way back to her hurt all is well now we have spent the last three days in pajamas with head colds roaring fires tea and to many documentaries her latest infatuation volcanos keaton just sang this phrase do you know who you are are you tired gosh i am and this very moment i do not know exactly who i am you see the last few years i threw myself in project that took every ounce of me and although it gave back with people and kindness those things quickly got devoured by a horrible man who desguised himself as a caring loving human and even though all the signs where there that he was the opposite of who he portraying i thought that no one could see his kindness but me only to realize i was the only one that needed him to be kind therefore i willed it but it never came and it broke me you see it was not that i thought i was different from all the men and women he has done this to before but it was simply because i thought surely he had evolved as a human recognizing that the power and happiness he must get by being an instinguisher of light destroyer of dreams could not be sustainable could not keep him happy for long i was wrong he needs to see you build partially so that he could hear the recking ball of his being destroying another always saying how he needs biggest and the best and yet not being able to come even near to being decent or good enough kind enough helpful enough he hears it to or perhaps sees it in you when you realize that he is a fictional character and yet you have the grace and kindness in you to not point out but the reflection he catches is enough to bring his fury call in his ego and as lightning hits a tree he burns you i once said to him i forgive you it took all i can to say it such a long journey to get to that place where i could genuinely mean it his reply your not god the man with no empathy i realized then the reason he was always working on his spirituality was because where once laid a heart now was colder then the river he swam in yes dear man i am not god how could i be when you believe yourself to be i will be well i have a lifetime to get there i love the violin even now the music playing is heavy with it it has been an influence in my life and now more than ever it has become a sanctuary and at times even a daily live performance i must go now put on my wool hat and socks and walk against the wind with feed buckets filed with sheep and horse grain how lucky is the life i lead where every night i am summoned outside under the stars to be doing one of the most primitive things to man i am going to give you what i can dear readers while depositing memories here with kindness nadia posted by onesilentwinter at 8 24 pm 12 comments wednesday july 29 dissapearing kindness it has been a long while i never meant it to be i had hoped to fill these pages with poet and her wonderfullness because there is so much of it i hope to do so shortly but i must just write what my heart is asking me to write but know dear friends if you are still there i have an incredible life and all these months that have passed have been filled with happiness more than anything else i am sitting upstairs above my cafe shop and market life has changed i have added these things to my days it has cost me a lot not reffering to money but it has given me alot once again i am not reffering to money it has until very recently been were all my energy and drive has gone oh gosh even as i type this i feel this malencholy ache for where i left off the simple life that was poet and i on the hill it is fragmented now and we are everywhere and being pulled in so many directions temporary i say balance will come yet there is no complaint here all is as it must be for the future of what i hope it to be i have had some of the kindest moments and experiences this past winter and spring and they helped me move forward and keep focus i have also heard kind words and the worst all in one opening of mouth my heart has soared and felt a tare on the same day i have lost my balance fallen picked myself up all within minutes it easy to blame others well maybe not so easy i am good at taking blame it is safer more bareable my shoulders ache my neck aches i blamed it on all the false shade airconditioning maybe it is something else maybe it is the dissapearing kindness from those i love but maybe it is dissapearing because i have emptied photograph of a place i stayed early summer in the south of france hosting a workshop posted by onesilentwinter at 6 46 pm 9 comments tuesday september 2 when words become a song hello i hope you are well and that you are enjoying these last days of summer i am upstairs the windows let in a soft breeze crickets tree frogs and this are the only sounds i hear the sky is turning from dusk to dark and i can see a beautiful silhouette of the birch tree i am profoundly happy just the other day i told a friend that i felt like a balloon being held by a child seconds before being let go i am excited about so much but grounded and filled with what i have i am preparing for many things at once yet i do not feel rushed and maybe that part is on it s way but for now i am good at being here in the moment last week i needed a quietness a stirring so i took poet and we drove down a dirt road i needed to see these beautiful creatures i was surprised at how much they spoke to my spirit how much they listened to my inner rants i stayed for a while and then came back again a few days later sometimes you need to be heard or to hea...