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Text of the page (random words):
ervix i just needed pressure from the baby s head and i would be complete i decided to have her break my water hoping that would put an end to this forever pregnancy and labor we got everything ready for the baby and filled the tub my mom got there just as janae broke my water around 7 40 after that stepped right into the tub to wait for my baby contractions took a minute to reestablish once my water was broken so it seemed like i sat there forever after a few contractions in the tub i started pushing i remember after the first few pushes i started getting really mad that i couldn t feel her moving down into my bottom i felt like my pushing was doing nothing i felt like this was going to last forever a few more contractions a few more pushes and i was praying and told everyone else to pray too that she would move down the urge to push was inescapably strong no matter what position i was in jesse had stepped into the tub to push on my knees but i desperately moved around trying to alleviate anything i ended up on my knees semi squatting against the side of the tub i was sobbing that i couldn t do it no matter how hard i pushed she wouldn t come i had a ginormous push and felt the tremendous pressure of her head in my bottom i couldn t even talk to tell janae she was crowning i took a breath and gave way to the enormous burning push and birthed her head i took another breath and the pressure from that push torpedoed her body out into the tub i reached down and lifted my baby girl out of the water janae helped me untangle her cord and i hugged her to my chest and sobbed thank you to heavenly father over and over again i knew no matter how many times i said it it would never match my gratitude my relief that it was over i melted down the side of the tub in relief in sheer joy that she was here as i looked into her face i thought of the many evenings we had already spent in that tub together trying to make it through one more difficult day of the pregnancy how fitting that we should end it there together in that tub at 8 06 pm christmas eve posted by larzipan at 11 43 pm no comments friday august 25 2017 welcome baby caia sweet baby caia made her way into the world in the early morning hours of thursday august 10 candice prepared so faithfully for this birth and it was obvious that her hard work was motivated by her deep love for her sweet baby girl i m overwhelmed with gratitude when my gift and passion of supporting mothers in birth helps to bless my family posted by larzipan at 2 34 pm no comments 60 things we love about mom wow it seems like yesterday we celebrated mom s 50th birthday those 10 years just flew by my mom is one of the easiest people to plan a party for because she is so easy to please supply her with the people she loves most and some grand babies and she lights up like a christmas tree i love it that my family makes partying so fun and easy posted by larzipan at 2 21 pm no comments wednesday august 16 2017 schooled i came to the end of the summer with mixed emotions did i spend enough time with each kid did we do enough projects cooking fun outings did we really utilize this time as it whipped by in a hot gust of wind but excitement oh the excitement as we check out cooper s new school and the gluesticks and crayons hit the rack at wal mart for 50 cents then the last week of summer arrived and my patience ran out i don t care about the projects or outings i m done cleaning up snacks and games and wet towels for the billionth time i don t care who hit who or if your pokémon cards are missing if i find them i will burn them i remember texting jesse on tuesday of our last week of summer and telling him i tap out done i m not sure how we made it to friday but we limped into the finish line like a car out of gas but we made it we wanted a good send off for the start of the school year so after all summer of saving the kids saved 100 each of their chore money our fake money system that promotes chores and limits screen time to go see newsies at tuacahn my heart swelled as they sang the songs glanced at me to make sure i was watching during their favorite parts jesse gave the kids beautiful teary eyed fathers blessings sunday night and we prayed for them together as we thought about the each precious child and the challenges and opportunities for growth each would face this year as monday arrived my desperation from the previous week turned into hopeful anticipation as we packed lunches and backpacks and one by one said goodbye cooper caught the bus to 6th grade at lava ridge and i drove the other 3 to arrowhead to ride bikes everyday hereafter leila starting 4th grade with mrs fuchs marshall started 3rd grade with mrs beraz and lillian began 1st with mrs robinson my anticipation died as i drove away and came home to a relatively quiet house with caleb and eleanor as much as they drive me crazy i missed them and i think that s a good thing posted by larzipan at 4 13 pm no comments wednesday october 02 2013 the weekend the world imploded ok so the title may be a little dramatic but i really did feel like our world was falling apart and taking my brain with it now a month later i can look back and think about maybe laughing someday i am still wincing from the memory of it it might take a while let me set the stage for you caleb was 3 weeks old and was not sleeping well at all that alone is enough to send any woman over the edge we were packing up our house piece by piece during those 3 weeks to get ready for the weekend so friday morning there i am getting ready the best i can with a halfway packed up house to go close on the paperwork for our home trying my best not to be too emotional and start sobbing and saying goodbye to completely random parts of the house like the baseboards and the blinds someone informs me that there is poop on the bathroom floor oddly not that uncommon with our newly minted family of 5 children i strap on baby caleb in his carrier so he won t be screaming while i attempt to clean the bathroom i send the kids out to the front yard to swing and leave the door open to listen for fighting the poop it seems must have been there for some time like maybe days or weeks it won t scrub off i keep cleaning and thoughts go through my head of maybe leaving it since we ll be gone in a couple days anyway but that thought quickly leaves as i think of karma and what might be waiting for us in our new house i think of how this morning has gone relatively smooth which i am grateful for since it will be leila s last day at afternoon kindergarten and i want to walk out and lovingly send her off on the bus so she will remember me as a kind thoughtful attentive mother the kind that patiently cleans up poop and carefully places you on the bus on your last day of your old school almost done just a few spots left and then screaming blood curdling massive screaming coming from the front yard i hear leila and marshall doing their best to guide a hysterical lillian in to the house the first thing i see is blood massive amounts like tons her mouth is full of it it s dripping from her mouth onto her blood soaked shirt it s dripping from her shirt onto the freshly disinfected tile i don t even know where it s coming from i do my best to sop it off of her mouth and remover her shirt so it will stop dripping all over she s still hysterical leila and marshall are sputtering things about her swinging too high letting go tipping off the swing and falling out i do my best with her screaming to peer into her mouth to see where she s bleeding from teeth all accounted for and then i see her tongue and a gaping hole still pulsing with blood i take a deep breath and start running her a bath she s covered in blood and i can t even touch her without it smearing on my clothes and caleb still patiently strapped in his carrier jesse calls just as i am getting her in the tub and cheerfully says he ll be home in 4 seconds because he s coming around the corner a little relief but still worried i frantically give him the rundown he takes the baby and puts leila on the bus so much for her calm morning for her last day of school we both do what we can to calm lils down eventually it was reading her books while she was in the tub that did the trick she would barely talk we can tell it hurts her even to push the drool out of her mouth i called my dad who thankfully hadn t left for work yet and he agreed to help jesse give her a priesthood blessing when we get to his house he had changed into his white shirt and had his olive oil all ready this is why i love my father he seems to have a special bond with lillian and she too is fond of him after the blessing he offers her ice cream and popsicles but in the end it s a balloon that he fishes down from the ceiling that makes her smile her smile made her wince the rest seems like a blur we head into the title company to sign for the house something i was preparing for mentally and emotionally just flies by as my only concern is for lillian she whimpers here and there and even though we can t see the wound to tell how deep or wide it is we figure we can t go through the rest of the weekend with her in this much pain jesse drops me off at instacare so he can run his last minute errands before his last court of honor with his scouts the nurse took a little look at her mouth and told us we had to head over to the er because it was too deep of a cut for them to handle with jesse already gone i gather her in my arms and walk across the parking lot to the er by the time the doctor could look at her she had fallen asleep on my chest drooling blood onto my clothes naptime it seems comes even at the er i kept it together as they told me they d have to sedate her through an iv line numb her tongue and then put a few stitches in the top to keep it closed they explained that she might not be herself as she came out of the sedation and she may hallucinate or not recognize us or know where she was as soon as the nurse left the room i lost it and wept a little with my sleeping lilsy on my chest i wished to the high heavens that i could do this for her and hoped that she would remember none of it our loving family and friends had taken care of the other kids and made sure cooper and leila got safely off the bus that seems to be the re occurring tender mercy through all of this that we had so many people willing to step in and help we promised cooper a good bye s mores party for all his friends in the neighborhood this was the only night it could happen so we just bit the bullet and did it i am glad we did that night was rough with lils she couldn t talk to tell us what she wanted so she ended up carrying 3 sippy cups around with her she was so thirsty but it hurt her so bad to swallow that she refused everything my heart broke for her when i had to force the tylenol and ibuprofen down that night she woke up at 3 am and chugged a sippy full of juice i was very relieved the next day bright and early was moving day with the help of ward members and family we packed up everything but our mattresses when i finally got a look at the new place i liked how big it was but realized it needed to be painted jesse assured me he could have it finished in a couple of days i knew we needed to and i knew it would be worth it but my heart sank as i tried to think of where we could sleep and how i could start the kids at their new school with all our stuff in boxes the calm in the eye of the storm was sunday when we blessed little caleb it was a great day and again family stepped in to have a luncheon for us that we could not do for ourselves we talked to becca who graciously agreed to let us stay at her house for the next few days lils was still not talking and if we kept up her tylenol she would barely eat soft foods like applesauce but at least she was eating monday labor day we moved the last of everything out of our house and cleaned up we locked the doors and drove away luckily the callahans showed up at our new house to help unpack the heavy stuff tuesday jesse was up early and gone to work but i managed to get my 5 children dressed and ready by 8 30 to go meet the new teachers at the new school grandma monique graciously watched the younger 3 so i could focus on the 2 that were actually going to school here is a picture to document leila s first day which we celebrated by taking her to mcd s sorry coop you got ousted it was an especially rainy day and i didn t think much of it until i stopped off at the new house to grab another change of clothes for myself and the kids all our stuff which was sitting in the carport behind the house was standing in about 3 inches of water i would have taken a picture but i was you know freaking out crying trying not to lose it completely i called jesse who dropped everything and came to move all the boxes out of the water and hang up wet things to dry i guess the silver lining in this situation was that there was nothing irreplaceable that was permanently damaged now we come to wednesday my favorite it was the first night we slept in our new house our bed was heavenly i woke up to this the next week was still extremely stressful amidst spurts of frantically looking for necessities in wet or soggy boxes but that weekend tops it all i will never forget the roller coaster of emotions packed into those few days but i will also never forget the relief that flooded over me every time someone stepped in to fill a need i know that was my heaveny father working through many willing hands posted by larzipan at 12 18 pm 3 comments tuesday august 20 2013 caleb s journey earthside i ve been putting off writing this story for fear that the actual writing and recording of the event closes the chapter of it we move on it s gone life continues as usual the awesome power of the experience dissipates and finally dissolves into what is reality and normal life it has taken me many deep breaths meditative moments and sniff s of my baby s neck to reassure me that i will keep the glow the memory the sweetness of this experience well after the chapter is closed and we have moved on i could go into the weeks before my due date when i was wishing and hoping that any second i would go into labor and therefore i wouldn t have to make dinner and i could go on about my due date july 24th a state wide holiday that kept me on my feet but produced no baby i could also expand upon each of the 12 emotionally taxing days i went beyond my due date but none of that is as interesting or as fun as the actual event i will spare you i suppose i should begin with the prophecy our little marshall has been particularly attached to this little person in my belly ever since he knew i was growing one he was particularly attached to lils as well but he has kept an especially close watch on this one making sure it s always warm enough by carefully spreading his own blanky across my belly and that it always had enough oxygen by blowin...