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Text of the page (random words):
orce was final i signed onto dating online i had hoped to turn my attention away from being alone and to find that there were really good guys out there inspiring a little hope in myself not my best suggestion for others it may work for some but it was not for me i dated a little this way but the results were always the same things didn t work out and in most cases people could just lie about who or what they were there was one instant where i began talking with a guy and the chemistry seemed great i found him funny and interesting after a couple days of this talking back and forth via computer and text i was out one night without the kids and he asked if we could meet up once we met up i realized i was in a sticky situation he had little or no sense of humor in person he looked little like his pictures there was no chemistry and he suddenly talked alot about his questionable past i managed to escape with as little as just a dessert where i paid for my own and about a 20min conversation before i had a friend call me away poor guy after a bad relationship or two i realized that this was not the way to find hope so next was the stage of depression and lonliness still working my way out of this one i started to realize day by day that there very well may be a long period of struggles before things are worked out i read once that the average amount of time a woman is single after a divorce is about 3 5 years i think i cried when i read this i get so overwhelmed everyday trying to fill both the father and mother role without relief that the idea of that much longer on an average was a little daunting there became more and more times where i ended the day with tears on my pillow more and more times when i ve wondered if i really will make it through another day like the one before more and more times when i look at the things i truely want in life and see just how far away they really are i try to find happiness in the little moments and embrace all the good around me i truely am blessed i have good friends good family and awesome kids but sometimes its just not enough sometimes the day still ends alone and the next begins just as alone there is a song that states that one is the lonliest number but i have to disagree i was never in a state of lonliness as a single person as i have been as a single parent i can honestly attest to the plan of my heavenly father in the family unit there is meant to be a father and a mother to rear and guide and discipline children it wasn t designed for one person to carry the load alone i also know that the time will come one day when i will truely be able to bask in the richness of a wonderful relationship and that if i continue to try my best i will be blessed and so will my children i have to have faith that no matter how long this tunnel is there is definately light at the end of it in closing i hope that my next stage is contentment in solitude i read a quote last night that said you cannot become or remain creative without solitude i want to be happy alone and then be able to share that happiness with someone else when the time comes there are so many things about myself that i would like to explore and better there are things that i can try to work on now so that i don t carry more baggage than necessary into a future relationship for example i know that i m a needy person i find my self worth in the praises and affirmations of others this isn t the way i want to be i don t want to think i m wonderful or beautiful or anything else just because someone else says so i want to believe those things whole heartedly on my own i want to continue to love others but to be able to love myself just as much i have signed up for some counseling to assist me in all of this and am excited to learn tools and guides to help me do this i know i can get there especially with faith and the knowledge that my desires and persuits will better myself and my family its up to me to find the light at the end of my tunnel and i intend to do just that posted by laurel and co at 5 35 pm 4 comments tuesday december 29 2009 a day like today i don t know what it is about scrubbing your childs poop off the carpet that causes an emotional breakdown but it never fails tears usually accompany the process maybe its the feeling that this is what your life has come to or to know that its very possibly normal for a potty training child and nonetheless disgusting or maybe its because women who work in high heels and drive shiny cars and make lots of money never have to clean up poop alright alright so maybe the grass only looks greener on the other side maybe i m only seeing the glass half empty but after a day like today i m not sure someone didn t come along and drink my other half today was my first day home from spending a week and a half at my parents house surrounded by friends and family let me give you an example of what it kind of felt like you know when you have a small child that plays so well alone maybe you ve worked really hard to get to this point but he she is finally playing with the toys you laid out and not screaming at you constantly well then you spend the holidays with family and everyone holds him her and by the time you get home you can t get anything done well that little whiner is me today the realization of how lonely i am here set in pretty good today no little cousins occupied my kids no parents or siblings asked me if i wanted to play games or take a nap or just talk instead i let the kids tear the house apart for the first part of the day while i used a gift card to download music then i spent the second half of the day frustrated with my messy kids and messy house my poor children i was trying to make dinner this evening with 4 kids whining and crying at me then one of my boys dropped a toy on my foot while standing underfoot and crying and the knot and bruise is there to remind me of what a wonderful day it wasn t i almost burned dinner while cleaning up a box of blocks for the 17th time then i smelled something awful my youngest has been struggling with loose bowells and his poor bum was looking a litte raw he s just turned 2 and i thought i d let him run around bare bummed for a little bit and work on the potty training i ve been avoiding oops loose bowells and naked bums do not go well together just for the record and to top it all off bedtime routine was shot due to the invasion of vacation rules i ll be sure to pray for more patience energy kindness and less chaos fighting and aggravation for tomorrow p s new years eve is day after tomorrow my excess of children and lack of social plans is a bit disheartening ugh posted by laurel and co at 10 04 pm 1 comment tuesday december 1 2009 christmas plans a while back i came to the realization that i m gonna have to lose the kids for some of the holidays coming from a very family oriented background you can only pretend to imagine my devastation on this topic i cried no sobbed for over an hour at the very thought of waking up christmas morning and being alone or being with extended family and watching them enjoy their children and me not having mine i m sure that my over active imagination played up the scenario a bit but nonetheless it was a tramatic realization so after coming to grips with what was going to inevitably happen i came up with the plan that if my ex husband and i could just get along and play nice for the last few holidays of the year i wouldn t have to lose the kids for a christmas for two years so we tried and we failed we made it through halloween and by the time thanksgiving was over we both were locked and loaded per say christmas next year will be so hard on me but at least i have a year to prepare myself posted by laurel and co at 9 47 pm no comments sunday november 29 2009 just some thoughts i m sitting down and writing tonight without a specific topic in mind i have a mind full of thoughts and i guess i m hoping to give the wheels in there a little relief today was sunday and for anyone who has taken three small children to church knows what i mean when i say i survived they are actually getting better though they still need more work on using their quiet voices but i ll keep working on it it felt so nice to be there we ve had almost a whole month off we spent the last two sundays traveling back from idaho falls and the sunday prior to that was stake conference only we didn t know about it so we showed up to an empty parking lot i love that all the kids go to classes now too it makes it that much easier to try to converse with adults and to try to feel the spirit gabe will be in primary in january i can t believe he s that big people always tell you they grow up sooo fast i think when you re cleaning up the entire bottle of chicken seasoning from off the living room rug or you have a little boy screaming from the bathroom for you to wipe him or every 3 seconds someone is telling you they got hit it doesn t seem fast enough but then one day you have kids big enough to make you promises offer to help vacuum and play games with you it really does happen so fast on another note i have been really struggling with a new battle in my life that i know i have to fight and conquer i hate being alone kids not counted i miss begininng and ending the day with someone i love i know it will happen again but for now its difficult for me to reflect inward as i need to i have so much i need to work on as a person this is such a great opportunity to do it i just hope i m up to the challenge sometimes it can seem like the task is too daunting i d much rather give that attention to someone else hee hee i m gonna make some goals and hopefully by writing them down i can hold myself to them goal 1 i want to enroll in school by next summer i d do it sooner but i have to make sure i have some tax stuff is in order so i can get grants goal 2 i want to learn to budget my money better goal 3 i want to find a couple hobbies that entertain my time outside of the kids goal 4 i want to get my kids medical and dental things taken care of that means all caught up on shots teeth checks all of it goal 5 i want to love myself like i love others goal 6 i want to be able to attend the temple monthly at least again i guess thats a good place to start i m sure there are more but at least that gives me some things to shoot for now onward and upward posted by laurel and co at 7 50 pm no comments monday november 23 2009 wall e the hamster about a year ago we bought this cute little dwarf hamster we brought it home and settled it into it s little cage two weeks later the hamster we thought was a boy had 5 babies i googled how to take care of them and eventually became more endeared to the babies then i was to the mother whom we d just begun to tame i kept the two boy hamsters and sold or gave away the other 4 the mother included the one was named wall e and the other hercules thank heavens for disney movies or our pets would lack good names hercules had a mishap and returned to hamster heaven a few months ago but wall e is still with us with that background painted allow me to proceed with my topic i sat here this evening looking at my house that looks like the remains of tornado wreckage and began to wonder when things would be less complicated this led me to wonder if its the circumstances that lead me to survive rather than to thrive or if its just me i looked up at my little hamster in his cage and came to a conclusion i have been meaning to replace the shavings in his cage for a week now and somehow it falls between the cracks once i even got up there to take down his cage and clean it and i realized he had a ton of his food stashed under those shavings i quickly allowed myself to slide out of the responsibility and excused it by claiming the best interest of the hamster and his winter supply so tonight as i started to shut down everything for the night and said goodnight to my little hamster i realized that maybe things arent perfect right now but there s alot of love in this house maybe wall e doesn t live in a fresh shavings environment but he is one loved hamster i sneak him fruit and cheese and veggies whenever i can and he s not as dwarf like as i m betting all his sisters are where ever they may be i think no better yet i hope and pray that it is enough for my children as well to be in such a place maybe this house is rarely clean and maybe we have chocolate chip pancakes for dinner occasionally and maybe we watch more movies than we should some days but hopefully when i tuck them into bed individually each night and say prayers individually with them each night and hug and kiss them as much as i can all day and again at night and hold them when they are sick or scared and keep them safe from the things of the world then hopefully i have done enough hopefully love will help us travel across that bridge from the land of surviving to a land of thriving posted by laurel and co at 10 06 pm no comments sunday november 15 2009 to be single again there is a very big difference between dating when you re young and single and dating when you re older and have kids i had an experience recently that made this point quite clearly allow me to paint a picture i had my ex husband coming into town to spend the day with the kids and i knew i d be able to go out on my own this doesn t happen very often so i took the opportunity to get all dolled up despite the recent addition to my hips and thighs i was feeling pretty good i had put on a nice shirt that was actually feminine and wasn t covered in yesterdays handprints and a pair of jeans that though tighter than they used to be made me feel maybe even a little sexy i wore black heels and put some curls in my long hair as i was out on my adventure for the day i stopped by my cousins work she works for a clothing store and they always have the cutest fashions there i usually feel a little out of place in my preferred jeans and tshirt style but on this day i had a little swing in my hips again as i walked upon leaving the store i could ve sworn a few heads even turned in my direction man i was feeling hot i crossed the parking lot and traffic was even stopping for me okay so maybe it wasn t that dramatic but you get the idea i strode up to my sleek silver minivan and climbed in the seat i sat there for a moment wondering what that bizarre smell was coming from the back and made a mental note to clean out the car and headed out of the lot now i was never a beauty queen and i think i ve embraced my feminity much more these days than i used to but really i recommend doing things right the first time and if for some reason someone were to end up in my shoes enjoy every step its not every day you get to laugh at your own story posted by laurel and co at 10 38 pm no comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom followers blog archive 2012 1 october 1 i think i ve seen this bench before 2010 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