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Text of the page (random words):
nd was refusing to bring them downstairs no plates i am assuming he threw them into the trash at some point why plates we eat off of these are correll dishes and managed to survive youngest son and various toddler aged grandchildren perhaps they wanted to live in someone else s kitchen all of my bookmarks are missing off the laptop all of them i only use the laptop for work that is too data heavy for my tablet months may and do go by when i never touch it at all my son uses it daily for school my husband uses it just as infrequently as i i am thankful i backed up important files on the external harddrive kept in my room or i suspect many of those would also be missing and may be i did not check i have password protected my phone and need to do the same on my tablet because my son is changing settings so far it has just been my phone but my guess is he will move to my tablet since i locked the former down money is once again missing from my purse i never keep more than twenty dollars at a time in cash because this has been a problem off and on through the years i have gotten lax the past couple of months it has been a single here and a single there i believe though i did have a disppearing reappearing ten dollar bill this week what brought this to my scattered attention was the fact i had no cash to buy my son dinner between his therapy and cap i told him to make himself a sandwitch unless he had his own money he wanted to use as i had none he pulled out a roll of singles not bad for a kid that has refused to earned any money in over a year we do offer to give him jobs for that very purpose in fact at this very moment he can earn forty dollars every two weeks for keeping the yard work up the priviso being he must take initiative and not wait until we have a family yard work day if we all are working he gets to do his share with no renumeration whatsoever so far he hs chosen to do his work for free he is refusing to do anything for anyone for christmas at this very moment he is staring at a biology test he has studied for he has been staring at it for almost an hour now he stared at his last test as well he took a zero it looks as if he will be taking a second zero today i used to let him make up tests when he was finished being stuborn i do not do that any more i haven t done it since he hit high school level courses i think the one thing that has upset me the most this past week concerns the tablet we bought him last year for christmas it is a vizio and there is a design flaw which makes the charger jack detach internally this happened once before and the company will and has replaced the unit for free i have given my son a box to package the unit in all my son has to do is to either print or write out an address label and place the tablet into the box and tape it shut he was told by vizio he had eleven days from the day he set this up to get the unit to them for a free exchange he will not do it i told him his dad told him he needed to address the box and we would drop it off at the post office he has the information needed we do not on the off chance we would do this for him out of sheer frustration he contacted vizio a week ago tuesday this is now day nine the broken tablet his big gift last year a gift he used daily sits on the table by the front door on top of the usps box in plain view driving me batty and causing me to have a very bloody tongue talk about cutting one s nose off to spite one s face one step forward ten steps back well at least he isn t peeing on anything yet teen age boys have very large bladders there is nothing like a little ok a lot of passive aggression to put one in the christmas spirit on the up side i only have one acting this way instead of three or four my son is not and has never been violent which is a big plus passive aggression it could be worse it could be plain aggression posted in uncategorized leave a comment it isn t about guns posted on december 16 2012 by lenell i will not pretend to be able to get my mind around the slaughter of innocents i cannot do it it is impossible for a normal thinking person with any sort of inner morrality to do so i am also neurologically intact i do not suffer from mental illness i have never taken psychotropic drugs and my recreational stage ended well over thirty years ago i do know a couple of things though i know that we as a society do not respect the sanctity of life i know we do not value our children or our elderly for that matter i know we offer absolutley no real help for the mentally ill especially mentally ill adolecents we do however offer quite a bit of blame for the parents franticly trying to help their children while trying to keep themselves safe look at my family s story remember my youngest know that he is more than capable of murder know that we were not able to access proper help for him know that the system that helped to create him was the same system that kept us from finding what help there was know that my son is in a family a school a town that as far as we know has no intention of even recognizing who and what he really is know he is hurting someone now today know he will continue to hurt others for his entire life he cannot help himself if you asked him he would tell you the truth medication never helped my son psychiatric hospitalization only gave us recpite it never even tried to help my son the juvenile justice system tried to help my son but had no treatment programs equipt to handle his level of need so they sent him home and threatened to call cps no private therapist would see our son because their liability would be too high our insurance only covered thirty days of residential treatment for the year our state medicaid we were told did not cover residential care our adoption assistance only covered thirty days of residential care for the life of my son add it up sixty days from the admisson to the psych ward to being kicked out of residential treatment back to our home where he told everyone he wanted to kill me cps bless their hearts threatened to remove our other children if we did not give them concservitor ship actually it was to be joint concervitorship we were told yet another lie to keep our son in treatment of course cps went against our wishes and the entire mental health team and placed our son into a theraputic foster home ignoring the fact we were also a licensed theraputic home this is of course the home where he was allowed encouraged to repeatedly sodomize two other boys one over the course of weeks with a wooden cross he made in shop class a cross he would not have been allowed to carry in our home because of his history of using everything and anything as a potential weapon cps then placed our son in a different part of our very large state and we had no choice but to give up all parental rights he could not come home he wasn t safe he isn t safe where was our son s ad litem you ask it was she who pushed to keep him out of the treatment he so desperately needs to keep charges from being pressed against him and to make sure we could no longer have any contact with him whatsoever another abandonment another mom who left him not our wishes never our wishes what on earth does all this rambling have to do with the murder of small children what does it have to do with guns it is a case history of a murderous child it is just one example of a family ours in this case who spent years trying to obtain help for their son there are thousands more like us in my state alone it is an example of just how little help there is in many ways our family was luckier than most none of us were ever seriously hurt the state did not remove our other children for having their audacity of adopting youngest we were not ordered to pay child support back to the state when we voluntarily gave up our parental rights guns this has nothing at all to do with guns or video games or goth or nerd depending on which news source you read or divorce or money or lack there of it has everything to do with mental illness and our society s descent into a moral wasteland we need to listen to the families of the mentally ill we need to recognize that at this time there are those who need residential care not prison or the streets it is time to stop blaming the parents or the weapons of choice and see things for what they are this is all about mental illness we need to do this now yesterday because you know what it is going to get worse much worse it is going to get worse because we as a society refuse to acknowledge we are part of the probelm we blame and scapegoat we make fun of we have a misguided sense of economy it is always less expensive to prevent a major problem i e provide treatment than to repair shattered lives back to my own son do i love him still more than words can tell am i afraid for him yes am i afraid of him i am terrified that is what being a mom to a severly mentally ill child is all about posted in uncategorized 1 comment one doing much better one still on the fence and one well on the way to a becoming a trainwreck posted on december 10 2012 by lenell first the good stuff my sixteen year old is motivated at least he is verbalising motivation to promote in cap i am hoping he will follow through he needs the affirmation he and i visited a lutheran church this sunday it is a small congregations which suits both of us just fine i liked it what is more important is my son felt comfortable there the pastor preached i know lutherans don t preach on the importance of showing christ s love my son had tears in his eyes then and again when we took communion he even wanted to discuss the service and why he liked it he is sharing what he is thinking he is motivated to go forward for this week at least we have seen so much progress i am afraid to jinx it the test will be how he comes back from his brother and sister s place he spent the night last night i dropped him off scoped out the apartment and got to meet my older son s buddy who i think lives there and saw my daughter my son was happy to see me and to show off his place he tells me he is barely making it finacially but his sister is doing very well ya think if it were just him i would have had no trepidation when i left the sixteen year old my daughter is a different story i doubt she will be home for christmas she was heming and hawing when i aske if they were still coming i did tell my son i would fetch him for christmas dinner and again on christmas day if his sister did not come this irritated her she is begining to show signs of either heavy drinking or some other substance abuse not meth at least she is too heavy i think for it to be meth leave me my delusions if this is not accurate i do not want to know she forgets she forgets in less than twenty four hours her speech patterns are back like they were when she was twelve she showed my her art she is quite talanted and with some instruction could be very good at least she was her art has reverted back to what she was doing at eleven or so nine months ago she would have been embarased with what she showed me i don t fully understand the extent of her cognative slide i have never heard of speech and art reverting to childhood due to substance abuse before she refused to show me her bedroom and became upset when her brother tried to open her door to show me i did not ask her brother was showing off the apartment and showed me his room and tried very hard to show me his sister s there was something he wanted me to see she ran down the hall and blocked the door her exuse was she had dirty clothes on the floor i didn t make a big deal about it i just teased her about her housekeeping she never made eye contact even when i gave her her birthday gift she did show me her skimpy costume she was wearing to the company christmas party her boundries leave a bit to be desired she could be so much more than this does it even matter if this is fas adoption issues or teenage rebelion in a twenty one year old at this point it simply is i am praying her brothers do not follow her down this path my twenty year old is still on the fence he does not use his friends however he loves us he wants us to be proud of him those are the differences my sixteen year old is making choices he is for the first time in his life with us reaching out and letting us see who is inside this is very new i ll take it posted in uncategorized leave a comment too many thoughts in my head posted on december 8 2012 by lenell even though i haven t been very good about blogging this past year i still blog in my addled brain quite frequently it is just that this past year has been somewhat horendous and many of those thoughts have been a bit contradictory and dark therefore as hard as it is to believe i have attempted to not share most of what my brain has churned about in my family we tend to handle most negative things by reminding ourselves it could have been worse this trait annoys my brother to no end in fact the first thing out of my mouth is usually barely paraphrased words to that effect for every negative thing i find out a couple of days before my son is to return home that he has been sodomising other boys with his foster father s knowledge and approval we could have found out after he was home by his sodomising his brother or a grandchild it could have been worse my husband has to face head on the callousness of his father and youngest brother to his dying mother suffering their embarassing rudness to the staff that cared for her quite lovingly their anger we had come to sit by her bedside well it could have been worse she could have died alone in pain it is obvious that my granddaughter s outcome was most definitely the best possible what would have been worse was not catching the heart defect until the unimaginable had happened that was just a three month period last year the major crisis not the many minor ones that continued through out the year not the continuing fallout from one or two that still cause pain still it could have been worse is it any wonder i have stuck my head in the social sands and been reluctant to re enter normal life if you ask me how i am doing i will tell you i m fine if you react in horror or in sympathy to any of our life events i will be the first to assure you it could have been worse optimistic stoisism as a defense mechanism can you tell i am running up against the annivercery of losing youngest there are positive things happening in our lives nowadays as well my sixteen year old has a friend spending the night yes for the first time in his life my son has a buddy over i bought dorritos and soda and baked some cookies and they stayed up late playing video and watching movies i hope there is a repeat i like the boy he is younger than my son but he is highly motivated and intelligent and cannot understand my son s lack of any ambition i am hoping it developes into a good friendship my son helping him to relax he helpin...