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Text of the page (random words):
know your spirit is just as alive today as it was when i felt your little butterfly kicks in my belly i feel you so strongly and that brings me unspeakable peace and happiness i am forever grateful that you joined our family we love and miss you love mom posted by ann at 8 34 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest thursday november 7 2013 being the expert dear luke i got a call from two of my nieghbors today one of their friends who had lived in the neighborhood before we ever came here lost a baby today stillborn gone before she ever even got to be here so very heartbreaking i was touched that these women would call me both were concerned about how to reach out to this friend in a way that would be most helpful what true friends they are wanting only to comfort someone who means so much to them but then there is the other part of me that wishes they had no reason to call me i wish i had no idea how their friend feels i wish i had no words of advice how very surreal to be the expert on this topic of conversation some days i wonder if it is really me living this life on a day to day basis my life is like anyone else s i get my children fed and out the door for school i mop floors make beds straigthen messes and everything else a mom does life is so normal in fact that when i really stop and think about what we ve been through i can t imagine that this stuff really happened to us did we really watch as one of our son s nearly passed away we watched him fight for his life crying tears that were silenced by the ventilator that kept him alive did we really listen from the waiting room in the hospital as a code blue was sounded over the pa system filled with the dreadful knowledge that they were talking about our daughter later a nurse would talk in hushed tones to another nurse about how they had to give her chest compressions to get her heart going again did we really hold you in our arms so perfect and tiny and lifeless we talk about you everyday as if you were here as i snuggled sam into bed tonight we talked about what we think you would look like if you were here he thinks you d have halle s red hair and maybe even glasses like her let s hope not seeing as how you d only be 3 he also thinks you d have dad s teeth i m not quite sure what that means and you would have fruckles on your nose like him such an ordinary conversation that it never really hits how very tragic it really is the truth is people come to me for advice on how to grieve and i have absolutely no idea three years after the fact and i still don t know some days life is so normal that i figure all the tragic stuff that has happened to us must really belong to someone else and i am merely the bearer of their memories other days i am still overcome by my brokenness how can i possibly continue on with this load that at times suffocates me to illustrate my point i will tell you a little of the inner battle i experienced when i found out you had a new little cousin my day began very normal breakfast cleaning playing with kids shopping all the normal things that every mother does then i get the text a picture i can t bare to look at but like a train wreck i can t seem to take my eyes off of a little girl healthy and fat i want to be happy i so desperately want to be happy what kind of monster isn t happy about a new life from heaven that is joining the family i am standing in carter s at the time of the text i began to cry tears of someone who is completely broken hearted so broken hearted she doesn t have even the smallest amount of pride or common sense or both to keep her act together until she can get to her car i prayed for weeks knowing this was coming for god to strengthen me but even he cannot or will not take away the grief of a lost life that pain never ever goes away i bought her a shirt i didn t want to i wanted it to be us that gave birth to that baby i wanted you to be alive and mourning the loss of your status as the youngest at the birth of a little sister or brother for three years now we ve known our days of more children is over when will my heart finally accept it we went to see your new cousin at the hospital the next day we had to travel a few hours to see her and when we arrived we were told the kids couldn t come in dad and i would have to go in seperately i completely broke down i started hyper ventilating i couldn t go in that room alone i needed dad to be there to talk to your aunt and uncle and keep them from noticing me recede into that dark corner of my mind that i subconsciously go when life gets to be too much i needed halle and sam there so that i didn t have to hold the baby i would just help them hold her instead the emotional pain i felt quickly became physical how can this still be so hard after three years i wonder if it would be different if you were our first or if we had been able to have more children after you there is no doubt that a dozen more children would never take away our sense of loss over you but at least my arms would have held another child in them my mind could revert to other memories when bombarded by your loss but as it is that is the last moment i have the last memory of holding my youngest in my arms you were so cold and no matter how many blankets i bundled you in i couldn t get you warm when i handed you over for the last time my arms felt so empty they literally ached they still do they will never know the pleasure and hard work of a baby again only the borrowed moments of someone else s child i did hold your niece by the way i went in alone i did it one ordinary every day occurance for mankind one seemingly impossible leap for the mother with a broken heart but i did it oh how i miss you tonight thinking of this other mother who now knows my heart i can t help be relive it all what a very long road she has to walk or crawl i wish i knew how to help her but i don t i haven t yet figured out how to master this grief of my own it still sneaks up on me and startles me when i least suspect it it seems the more time goes by the better i get at pushing it aside but it s still there waiting to pop up again when i let my guard down at times i wish that i was more of an expert on how to handle grief but then again who really wants to be an expert on something like that and so i will continue to stumble along this painfully ugly and strangely beautiful path and hope that it leads me back to you i love you buddy mom posted by ann at 9 43 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest thursday december 15 2011 sick dear luke we ve all been sick around here nasty little colds but i just can t seem to shake mine it s more than just a sore throat or stuffy nose i have absolutely no appetite everything sounds gross every smell makes me gag at least the ones that my stuffy nose doesn t block and then there are a few other suspicious symptoms i was contemplating how sick i feel as i was eating crackers and cheese the only thing that tastes good to me and i was flooded with memories of the last time i devoured these foods as if my life depended on it i was pregnant with sam nothing tasted good to me back then nothing that is except crackers and cheese but don t worry i m not pregnant i know i m not because i ve taken 2 yes 2 pregnancy tests within the past week each time i knew i wasn t pregnant it s not even possible so why does my body act as though it is and why why when i know i m not pregnant do i insist on putting myself through the torture of taking a pregnancy test and crying when it confirms i m not pregnant i ve only heard of 2 cases of women getting pregnant with an iud one had a tubal pregnancy and the other had her iud removed but ended up losing her baby anyway so i know i can t be pregnant and i know that even if by some chance i did get pregnant there is no chance the baby would live so why is it that i want so desperately to be pregnant anyway loosing you was without a doubt the most painful thing i ve ever experienced so why would i want to do that again maybe just so for even a few weeks i could remember what it feels like to be pregnant i miss feeling a baby move inside i miss watching my belly shift from side to side i remember once being able to hear sam experience the hiccups while i was being monitored in the hospital i miss the miracle of life oh how i miss that posted by ann at 8 09 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest wednesday november 30 2011 dreams dear luke i am well aquainted with the stages of grief denial anger bargaining depression acceptance i ve been through them all at times getting stuck in the anger phase but i feel i ve landed solidly onto the grounds of acceptance but what no one tells you is what to expect after acceptance where does a person go from here i love the movie tangled there is the line where rapunzel is telling eugene that she is scared to see her life long dream turn into reality because she doesn t know what she ll do next he tells her that s the best part she can make new dreams i suppose that s a little how i feel i ve had the same dream all my life to be a mom i ve now fulfilled that dream just shy of one baby that i thought i d be raising and i m not quite sure what my next dream should be the dream i want most of all my dream of holding you can t be mine right now so now what i fill my days up with countless activities i love our new house and conjure up thousands of projects i d like to do to make it our own i love to listen to halle s kindergarten antics and watch her learn to read i focus a lot of my energy on fun activities sam and i can do to not only keep us entertained without halle around but also to help him learn all the things a kid his age should know sometimes i think he might still be behind developmentally after he graduated from early intervention they suggested i might still want to have him tested for an early intervention preschool but the thought of having him gone several times a week and leaving me home alone frightens me after all i m a professional teacher i should be able to help him myself so i m trying to spend more time helping sam catch up to others his age my life is good and i am happy but sometimes the memories of past dreams will come back and haunt me thanksgiving was one of those times we spent it with dad s side of the family this year we spent all afternoon out at aunt carolyn s house and had a fabulous traditional thanksgiving dinner but after a while the warm house and the conversation of pregnancy began to suffocate me and i needed to get out in the fresh air so i went for a little walk dad and i would clock that little walk later on and discovered i walked over two miles i love the scenery out there all the farm land i walked passed a few new houses gorgeous ones with wrap around porches i always dreamed of having a house with wrap around porches on the outside and a stunning staircase and catwalk on the inside i got my dream staircase and catwalk but our front porch is non existant and i felt a small pang of sorrow over my lost dream house i thought of other dreams too as i walked along i thought of how there was a day when i thought my dream of being loved by some amazing man was never going to be fulfilled i was almost 25 and in the culture in which i live that is considered an old maid all of my friends were married and had at least 2 kids by this point and i was still looking for mr right and failing miserably and then i met your dad i remember sitting in a tractor with him one day over seven years ago we were ripping one of uncle dennis s fields and listening to kenny chesney on the radio i was madly in love with your dad and it was clear the feeling was mutual we nonchalantly talked about the future trying to act like we weren t as thrilled and terrified about the topic of conversation as we really were somehow we began to talk about how many kids we wanted our hopes were the same no less then three but no more than five it all seemed so easy then we thought all you had to do was proclaim how many kids you wanted and they were suddenly yours we stare at pictures of us back then particularly our engagement and wedding pictures and marvel at how innocent and naive we were little did we know that there would be times when our dreams would become nightmares i would be lying if i said that i didn t sometimes feel guilty that dad got stuck with me our pregnancy problems and sick babies are wholly my fault he could have married someone else and fulfilled his dream of 3 to 5 kids living kids that is for he does have three but the thought of not being with him is the worst thing i can possibly imagine and the best part is that i don t think your dad has ever even let this thought enter his mind he lets me know in countless ways that he would rather be with me and only get to raise two kids in this life then be married to someone else and have half a dozen big strong healthy boys our family no matter how undesirable it may seem to others is his greatest joy and he wouldn t trade it for anything dreams are funny things some never become reality but we don t mind for we look back and see how childish they were in the first place others are fulfilled and replaced by new ones and others still are compromised and then there are those that will remain forever in our hearts though we know they are not reachable in this life god has granted me some of my most precious dreams my mr right and two children to raise here but you luke are the one dream that i will never stop yearning for or striving for i miss you tonight my arms feel empty without you but i cling to that hope that dream that i will someday be holding you again and smelling your sweet little head and kissing your adorable button nose perhaps that s the step after acceptance hope hope in our dreams i sincerely believe that there will come a day when if we live the life god intended for us if we reach our potential that every dream we ve ever dreamed will come true sweet dreams my little one mom posted by ann at 9 40 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest sunday november 20 2011 another christmas season dear luke when we first heard that you were due at christmastime i knew this holiday would forever be different because of you when i d tell people our due date they would rave about how amazing it would be to have a brand new baby in the house for christmas day particularly a brand new baby boy we knew you wouldn t really be born then my history of preterm labor had us convinced you d arrive by thanksgiving but again if history repeated itself like our two previous babies you d be home with us before your due date and we would indeed have you in our home for christmas morning it never occurred to me that you d arrive much too soon nor did i ever think that you wouldn t make it home for chris...