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Text of the page (random words):
last summer and i don t think he invited too many cousins or aunts and uncles for that matter but i don t know if or how to do that that causes me a lot of anxiety steve and i tabled wedding talk for the day yesterday and i apologized and really need to work on letting it go and not feeling pressure of everyone else s idea of what we need to do and figure out what works for steve and me i think a lot of things are playing into my stress i m really missing him a lot it s hard to plan a wedding with your fiancé on the other side of the world i m excited but nervous for our trip next week i just want him home i ve got to refocus everything and stop and breathe it ll all work out in the end all that matters is steve emily and i becoming a family how it happens is just a minor detail posted by unknown at 4 48 am 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest thursday june 5 2014 how ironic this blog was originally started as a place for me to vent about life as an infertile woman it helped me through such hard lonely sad times it obviously evolved as my life changed i have experienced many changes over the past 3 years highs and lows but nothing in the world could prepare me for how i changed with my outlook on family and love for many years i believed that nothing would complete me other than being a mom when i was married to jesse i couldn t imagine living my life not being a mom thank god for that because i wouldn t have emily without my drive and determination to become a mom for a long time i dealt with the grief of never being a pregnant mommy i came to realize that becoming a mommy was more important than growing a baby but there is always this deep down longing to be pregnant and have a baby that way that was before that was before i had everything in life i could ever want i truly feel that when i was married to jesse i was always searching to fill some void even though i never realized it then something was missing that was before today i have everything i could ever want i have my baby girl that i could not imagine my life without i have a job that i love and allows me to do what i enjoy and be able to be home certain times of the year i now have the love of my life i really know that i am with the man who i was made for i have everything i ve ever wanted with him i have a man who loves me and adores me at my best and at my worst he loves my daughter as much as i do he has a job that helps provide for us we enjoy doing things together things i love things he loves things we love he worries about us he takes care of us and he makes me want to be a better wife mom teacher and person we have a healthy loving giving relationship that just works it doesn t take a lot of work to be with someone that i ve cared about for so many years it s just a natural love the weirdest and most beautiful thing about this relationship is i don t need anything more i have all i have ever wanted i can t wait to marry him and become a family with the three of us over the past few months i ve come to realize that i m so content but not in a bad way i m happy where my life is we have it all we have our family we have each other we have our time as a family and our time alone we talked about future children and both of us are open to it but both of us also believe we have all we ever need or want with what we have that feels so weird for me to type i m not saying if we were to have a baby i wouldn t be happy but i don t need a baby it feels so weird for me but it s truly how i feel i for the first time in my life am not wanting more than what i have today i have it all i really do and i just feel so blessed life is good posted by unknown at 7 33 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest friday april 18 2014 alone then alone now i was married for almost 10 years i was alone most of those years i was alone because my husband was a restaurant owner and spent a lot of time at his work or that was what i was told anywho i was alone for majority of my marriage there were many vacations holidays family outings i could go on and on that i was by myself at the time i thought i was being a supportive wife allowing my husband to take care of us by making the connections to make his business grow as a result of this i became the type of woman that felt i could do it all on my own i didn t need him i was lucky to have him is what i thought i didn t have to rush home to be with anyone i had the freedom to come and go as i pleased if i wanted to go to the gym when i was done with work he wouldn t be home so there was no need to check in with him i just went i did what i wanted when i wanted as you can see it wasn t really a marriage in the sense of spending life together going through the divorce was sad it was the hardest decision i ever had to make i hate failing but i also knew it was the best thing for emily and myself i m also the type of person that once i make my mind up about something i m full steam ahead and don t look back i was sad i was alone but it wasn t any different for me i was alone all the time in all honesty the divorce was very refreshing and liberating i spent my entire marriage catering to everything my husband wanted he wanted to open a new business that s what we did i sacrificed a lot in the name of my marriage after i learned nothing i knew was real or what i thought it was getting divorced was renewing in the sense that i could start living my life for what i wanted and i could rebuild when steve and i started dating it was hard for me to get used to the fact that i was with someone who really wanted to be with me he wanted to open doors for me he would get so mad at me that i would always open a door to a building or my car door it took many discussions of him telling him that it wasn t that i didn t appreciate what he was doing it was just that i d never had that and it didn t even cross my mind that a guy would want to do that for me there were many times that i said i have to run here or there and steve would ask do you want me to come that blew my mind he wanted to go to the store with me he wanted to spend time with me he wanted to take care of me it was so weird to me weird yes but i got used to it i finally had a partner in life someone who wanted to be with me he would suffer through runs with me outside while i would fumble my way through learning how to ride the trails at stony something i am still learning the other day steve and i were texting during the morning but then my afternoon was crazy i had an iep with parents then i had to rush my kids out for recess and then i rushed to a staff meeting that went 20 minutes past by the time i left i had to rush to get emily and then had grocery shopping and dinner to make it was a stressful day to say the least when i got to the car i noticed i had 3 missed facetime calls a few texts and an email he was worried about me he hadn t heard from me he s across an ocean from me and he wanted to know i was okay we had a few heated texts back and forth but in the end he simply said call when you get home i want to see your face before i go to bed some people may think this is ridiculous and appalled that we are so close but i find it endearing and i really feel like i m with someone who loves both emily and me more than i ever dreamed he worries about us and he wants to be with me as much as i want to be with him as weird as it is steve and i have only been together for a year and a half but this separation is much harder for me maybe it s because i know that he is the person i m meant to be with and truly my other half i m not sure but i also know that this distance will help us and make us stronger being alone now is harder than it ever was but it will make us both so appreciative and grateful for the time we have together when he gets home posted by unknown at 1 24 pm 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest sunday april 6 2014 every day is definitely a winding road it s been quite awhile since i last blogged so much in my life has changed i can t even begin to think of my old life i m so much better i m so much healthier i m so much happier steve and i have been together for about a year and a half i still can t believe how wonderful our relationship is i mean it s not all roses and sunshine but the way we work through issues is just so healthy i truly believe he is the perfect match for me a couple weeks ago my dreams came true on saturday march 22 2014 i became engaged to my best friend and i couldn t be happier or more excited to live the rest of my life beside him we decided to go for a walk at stony since the snow was melting the only problem was the snow was melting everywhere but stony creek we started walking the snow was so deep still and there was still icy spots from the snow beginning to melt i had also gone for a run in the morning so i was just hoping for a nice walk not a tough workout but i kept trucking we kept walking and walking and walking at one point i told steve i was tired and he looked to our right and said you see that hill yep i thought so what then he said i think we have to walk up it i started whining about how tired i was but kept on going we started up the hill and we walked halfway up and were looking down the sides i noticed a bench at the top so i told him i d meet him at the top he walked up behind me and hugged me then he walked around in front of me and i got up and gave him a real hug i just hugged him close then he said i have a question for you so we were looking into each other s eyes nose to nose then he asked will you marry me i of course said yes and then he had the ring and i started crying we had designed the ring but i hadn t seen it completed i only saw the wax mold which doesn t give you a good idea at all i put it on and my crabbiness disappeared i am engaged to my soulmate the man i believe with all my heart i was made for the hills the snow and my sore legs didn t matter anymore i was engaged and my smile wouldn t go away for anything we had already decided to go out to a nice dinner and were staying at the royal park for a little going away getaway before steve left for germany but now it became a little celebration for the two of us happiness can t even begin to tell you how happy i am then on april 1 he left to go to germany for work i went from the highest of highs to the lowest lows i miss him so much but i know that it s not forever it s hard to be away from him every day s a winding road posted by unknown at 3 54 pm 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest tuesday december 24 2013 so much to say christmas eve is here today and i realize it s been forever since i ve posted not because i don t have anything to say but probably a little bit of fear so much has changed in my life and i m a little afraid to be happy with it i keep doubting myself i keep waiting for the other shoe to fall i mean true happiness can t be mine can it i think about all i ve come through and all i ve overcome and i still doubt myself i don t doubt myself in the area of making the right or wrong choice anymore i know leaving my dysfunctional marriage was the best thing for me and emily but i doubt myself in other ways i doubt myself in my career can i really keep doing this job is this really the career god wants me to do there must be something better for me i doubt myself as a mother emily has her moments when she tests me or can be a top notch brat and i wonder am i really doing a good job is she going to be a good girl will she grow up to love god am i showing her the right way i doubt myself in my relationship does steve really love me can this be real to be this happy and natural with someone will he leave me too i don t really have an answer for myself today other than i believe these feelings are all normal and i ve got to remember who to look for during these times of doubt i won t find the answers asking friends or watching tv i have to look to god and have him help me to discern what the right answer is right now i have a lot of uncertainty i just realize now that i need to get back in with god and trust him he s gotten me this far i m not going to stop now posted by unknown at 10 38 am 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest sunday september 15 2013 some reflecting i don t know why but i ve really been thinking about all i ve been through in the past year and a half back in march 2012 when my life was falling apart i never imagined i d be able to pick myself up i never thought i d be able to trust again i never thought i d be able to be a single mom but now 18 months later i am feeling so much better than i ever dreamed with that being said i ve really been thinking about what jesse did to me i ve been thinking about how disgusting some people are two of the women i use this term loosely and would really like to call them something else were people i knew one a girl who worked at the restaurant with him that i hated she was so gross to me such a hoebag one year for halloween she was a corona bottle except for the fact that she wore nothing but paint on her upper half the other was a friend someone i loved and worked with for a long time the thing that s been getting me is how could someone do that how was it when they were done doing what they did did they look at each other in shame did they laugh did they feel good bad even more disturbingly especially for my friend how the hell did you face me and fake it i ll never be able to wrap my mind around how jesse was able to do it i strongly believe he did it our entire relationship so he d become very used to it i just don t get it how could people do that what disturbs me even more is that people in jesse s life think i was the cheater steve and i started dating shortly after i had filed and jesse made it seem like i was the reason my marriage ended that used to bother me and it does a little still but i know the truth so does god and so does jesse jesse has to look at himself in the mirror every day and know in his heart he is the reason he lost his family i know i m in such a better place i have a boyfriend who loves me so much he tells me numerous times a day he takes care of emily and me and he wants a good life for all of us he does so much for me and i love him so much as much as all the crap hurt that i went through my old life seems like a lifetime ago it feels like a distant dream i have the relationship i ve always fantasized about i have the daughter i have wished and hoped for i try not to look back in the rearview mirror but sometimes you have to in order to see how far you ve come and how much you never want to go back posted by unknown at 11 46 am 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest thursday august 1 2013 never a dull moment steve has bee...