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Text of the page (random words):
cording to wikipedia and hawking s theory they are expected to shrink and evaporate over time as they lose mass after gianna died i just let all the feelings come i felt them all the good the bad and the ugly i processed them in my own mind with my husband with my therapist and with my friends that could handle it i processed the trauma with an emdr specialist i walked through the beautiful rocky mountains over and over again breathing deeply and letting nature soothe and heal me i joined support groups where i felt less alone i will never make sense of gianna s death but i found ways to keep her memory alive to honor her to keep her present in my life and the black hole i found myself in was slowing starting to shrink and lose mass and as i emerged from this darkness i found myself feeling more alive than ever before it is truly suffering that makes us more human more alive able to feel a full range of human emotions to deeply empathize with others to be vulnerable and courageous when faced with all of life s challenges and as i felt more alive the quote resounded within me on an even deeper level where there is life there is hope yes my daughter is dead but i am not i have been graciously given this life to live this life that my daughter would want me to live and not just live to thrive in first comes the effort to heal the work the struggle to grieve to feel to honor their life through our tears living in the black hole for however long it takes and then comes the healing do we ever actually heal from the death of our child i would definitely say no but we integrate their life and death into our own being into our own story into our identity and we emerge with hope a sign of life a sign that their life wasn t in vain a sign that their life albeit short has propelled us towards something more beautiful something more meaningful something more profound and i dare say that this may be one of the most precious gifts our children could have given us filed under uncategorized tagged with baby loss baby loss awareness child loss medical malpractice medical negligence return to zero stories of hope ode to a bereaved mother may 21 2020 by amy west 2 comments i see you i honor your strength when someone asks is he your only child you look down smile politely and quickly and quietly say yes even though your heart and your body know you carried another birthed another heard another s heartbeat desperately loved another that is the strength of a bereaved mother when on your child s birthday you order flowers to be put on their grave instead of planning a birthday party with their friends that is the strength of a bereaved mother instead of a living thriving child to take home after delivery you are given a memorial box to hold instead and drive home with an empty car seat that is the strength of a bereaved mother pages 1 2 filed under uncategorized tagged with baby loss bereaved mother child loss grief grieving mother medical malpractice medical negligence mourning resilience sadness strength victor frankl warrior woman whatcha grievin bro may 2 2020 by david kovacs 2 comments doubt is a powerful neurotoxin the way we human beings are we don t just need to know something we need to know that we know it this is part of what makes scientific discovery so amazing it s not just that they figured something out it s that they overcame the doubt that is inherent in us that couldn t have been overcome by going to someone else and saying i think i figured something out is this right but as long as there is some doubt about something our minds are incredibly adept at presenting us with reasons why we re probably wrong to quote a book i have been reading as uncomfortable as i am with discovery x i do not believe we should sit on our results until we can find a reason for them being wrong that too is not a correct way to do science but to dispel this doubt what do we do we communicate we bring our thought to someone to check it to air it out to get an outside perspective otherwise this neurotoxin metabolizes paralyzing us this process is something that is called social validation it says that we will naturally and automatically seek the guidance or approval of others in the presence of doubt when it comes to emotions we all perhaps men especially engage in a game of emotional chicken it looks like this i feel something that i just don t know if it s valid or not am i overreacting being oversensitive perceive something inaccurately i want to get an objective perspective on it so i casually without any emotion or leading words mention it to someone i don t get much of a response back so i conclude that my reaction must have been overstated and i tell myself that i need to move on pages 1 2 filed under uncategorized tagged with child loss doubt and grief grief grief and validation grieving men infant loss men and grief braving the holidays without our children december 9 2018 by amy west leave a comment right around mid october before we get barraged with the holidays i always feel myself needing to retreat it s as if an army of worries anxieties and memories start marching towards me and feeling unarmed i retreat and look for places to hibernate i just want to disappear for a few months until it s all over but before we know it halloween comes and goes we start preparing for thanksgiving travels and begin our christmas shopping that army marches towards us whether we like it or not time stops for no one the holiday season can be a beautiful season albeit busy but when one has to live them with a piece of their heart missing it can seem too much to bear most of us have the expectation of family coming together during the holidays but when your family is incomplete everything feels out of sync and heavy for many of us holidays can be the roughest time of year when we miss our child more than usual holidays seem to magnify the loss the sadness feels sadder and the loneliness feels deeper rather than letting the holidays take us by surprise in our grief i wanted to share a few ways that i ve managed to navigate them read more filed under uncategorized tagged with baby loss baby loss awareness bereaved parents child loss child loss awareness christmas grief holidays trauma the power of one small life mourning a miscarriage november 2 2018 by amy west leave a comment i ve always seen life as an adventure and discovering that i had a little precious life growing within me made the journey even more thrilling what an honor to be carrying another person another soul within me dave and i had gotten married in early november of 2013 and our first pregnancy was officially confirmed on christmas day of that same year the holiday season was made even more joyous and special with the news of our first child every wave of morning sickness and tiny sufferings of my changing body was nothing compared to the gift of life that i was given dave and i were so happy to see our family growing ever so quickly then it happened the sonogram with no heartbeat the drive home and the tears stunned and shaken the d c the empty womb and broken heart our second miscarriage occurred just last week end of october 2018 and ended in yet another d c before i had my own miscarriage i never knew a single person who had one my own mother never had a complication giving birth to seven children so losing a child was never even on my radar miscarriage was a reality that i had heard of but happened to other people how shocking it is when one goes from being untouchable to being punched in the gut with the most heart shattering news when the doctor told me that our baby had no heartbeat i didn t even know how to react what you mean some babies die you mean my baby died dave and i had just been confronted face to face with a nightmare that only happened to other people and we were in complete and utter shock read more filed under uncategorized tagged with baby loss baby loss awareness bereaved parents child loss child loss awareness d c death grief grief and identity loss medical malpractice medical negligence miscarriage mourning spirituality suffering moving from grief to mourning a reflection on pregnancy and infant loss awareness month october 7 2018 by amy west leave a comment october is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month when that month rolls around i feel myself breathing a sigh of relief it s like this month gives me permission to feel and express my grief more publicly i am grateful for that although i know i have permission to share my daughter and my grief journey whenever i please it s just not that easy of course i think about her every day she is woven into my thoughts all my dreams and into everything i do she is part of me she is part of who i am that s why when people don t know about gianna i feel that they don t know me but not everyone understands what it s like to lose a child and that makes the topic difficult to bring up death isn t so easily woven into our everyday conversations and dealings with others so gianna is most of the time left unmentioned my hope is that this month makes it easier for people to talk about their deceased children and make the honoring of their children more public and in turn may they receive the support and love they need as they walk this life without their child by their side this is precisely what it means to move from grief to mourning and once we allow ourselves to mourn we allow ourselves to become deeply touched and transformed by our loss read more filed under uncategorized tagged with baby loss baby loss awareness bereaved parents child loss child loss awareness death grief grief and identity medical malpractice medical negligence mourning spirituality suffering trauma braving the wilderness my return to zero bereavement retreat experience july 23 2018 by amy west 7 comments beautiful graceful strong resilient courageous soulful these are just a few words i would use to describe the mothers i met on a retreat over mother s day weekend we met on a little island off the coast of seattle called whidbey island where we were surrounded by the healing power of the ocean and god s creation in nature the majestic trees of the pacific northwest towered over us in a sense protecting our hearts from the outside world so we could turn inward life was in bloom all around us while we were in our minds and emotions letting ourselves touch death again by talking about our deceased children they sky was bright blue and seemed to open up the heavens sending the spirits of our children down making them palpable in the hearts of their wounded mamas who miss them so we needed this we ventured from all corners of the united states from different walks of life all carrying our different stories of loss and trauma but there are a few things we did have in common the need to talk about our children the desire for our children to be recognized and remembered and the yearning to feel accompanied in this loss and that is exactly what this retreat accomplished among many other things read more filed under uncategorized tagged with baby loss bereaved parents child loss death grief grief and identity medical malpractice medical negligence spirituality suffering therapy trauma i ll find my way back to you child loss ptsd and emdr july 15 2018 by amy west 4 comments i think one of the strongest desires of those of us who lost a child is to feel them again in some way to perceive their presence again somehow to notice the signs they might send images or symbols that are reminders of their life or messages they want to deliver they are no longer in our arms but we so desperately want to feel or remember them again which is a confirmation of their existence however short it was ever since her passing i have felt that there was a veil between gianna and i there is the obvious veil that her death brings she is not physically with me anymore but there is another veil a veil that took time to understand and one that is still clearing away i couldn t quite put my finger on what it was initially but after some time and numerous therapy appointments i now understand and my life is now a journey to pull away that veil constantly searching for gianna s light amidst the shadows that her traumatic death brought to my life for some if not most bereaved parents the death of their child is tied to deep shock sadness and trauma whether is be the shock of finding out your child has no heartbeat at an ultrasound appointment having to endure a d c delivering a lifeless baby or watching your child die in your arms there is virtually no human being that comes out of these experiences unscathed these experiences leave an indelible mark on the human heart and most of the time leave a gaping scar like many other baby loss parents my daughter s traumatic birth and death left me mentally and emotionally wrecked my labor was deathly long and excruciatingly painful the emergency c section ended in silence as gianna was delivered brain dead and unable to breathe on her own after four days in the nicu dave and i watched her die in our arms we then drove home with an empty car seat only to come home to an empty nursery the following week i had to dry up my breast milk plan her funeral and lay her to rest forever it was beyond our worst nightmare read more filed under uncategorized tagged with baby loss bereaved parents child loss death emdr grief grief and identity medical malpractice medical negligence ptsd spirituality suffering therapy trauma triggers please don t take my sunshine away pregnancy after loss june 24 2018 by amy west leave a comment i remember my mom used to sing that sweet song you are my sunshine to my siblings and me all the time i loved hearing her voice expressing how much she loved me through the lyrics if i close my eyes i can still hear her that memory will be engrained in my heart and mind forever those lyrics took on whole new meaning for me when i realized i was pregnant six months after losing gianna please don t take my sunshine away was my constant prayer and plea when i thought i might be pregnant with lucas i took the pregnancy test early one morning with trembling hands i never prayed harder than i did in those two minutes it took for those little lines to appear my mind was flooded with a million thoughts as i waited in the stillness of the morning all i could hear was the sound of my heart pounding within me powered by adrenaline excitement and a deep deep fear i deeply desired to know i could get pregnant again i was desperate to know that my future contained a child at least one please just give me one child alive in my arms was my desperate prayer i didn t care if it was a boy or a girl i didn t care what it looked like i didn t care if it was healthy or not alive in my arms was my only requirement particularities go out the window after you bury a child once it was revealed i was pregnant of course i was ecstatic it was the answer to a mi...
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