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Text of the page (random words):
supporting england in the world cup like i ve got time for a blogspot like i ve got time for a blogspot my life wife and other goings on 08 november 2005 posted by shmuls at 2 44 am 4 people wanted to say something and you can too 20 october 2005 like i ve got time to move house psychologists have proven that the second most stressful experience a person can go through in their life is moving house here in the ligtfab family however we ve never been happy with second place when in comes to psychological norms so we tried to find the short time in which my wife has her last exams i start my new university and is just over the chagim and decided to move then genius to expound it s not just my wife s exams it s her moed bet her second chance exams as she spent the first lot marrying me so she really has to do well in these and i m not just starting a new university i m taking the 5 week 80 hour super intense prep course which i need to pass to stay here so no pressure there then and it s not just over the chagim when the entire country decides to close for a month and traffic is at its all time worst it s over the few weeks in the year in which a myriad of friends and family come out to israel who we just have to see and it s raining great in short i really don t have time for a blogspot posted by shmuls at 10 22 am 1 people wanted to say something and you can too 03 october 2005 mrs ligtfab posted by shmuls at 4 36 pm 31 people wanted to say something and you can too 29 september 2005 how to swear like an englishman lesson 1 one of the problems with living in an israeli society and studying in an american university is that no one i know swears properly the average american s vocabulary when it comes to swearing consists of just two crude words to be termed the f word and the s word as i live and work among these unenlightened folk i feel it my obligation expand their basic lexicon with some good english swear words therefore i shall be teaching the basic english swear words here over the next few weeks for you to learn this public service comes with 3 preconditions for reasons of piety i e my mother probably reads this blog i shall not be including the more vulgar of the english swear words the reader must agree to take upon his or herself to incorporate all the words at the rate of word a day into his or her vocabulary thus learning to swear properly in just under a week whenever possible all words should be said with a good british accent preferably a london accent or the queen s english if this proves too difficult a manc or brummy accent will do however please do not resort to a scouse accent as this may offend lesson 1 the b words we are specifically starting with four words that are used in a similar way to and thus easily exchangeable with their cruder american counterpart these four b words also form the base of a swearing brit s vocabulary they are bugger bollocks bloody and bastard bugger is normally used like the american f word as in bugger you bugger off oh bugger and if said in shock bugger me similarly bollocks should be used as a replacement for the s word in phrases like oh bollocks and what a load of bollocks you could describe a certain film or event by saying it was bollocks or use it by itself as an exasperated bollocks bloody the most english of the b words is equally interchangeable with the term f ing as an adverb or adjective placed before the word it s describing it can be used simply as in bloody hell or extensively as is i m not bloody chasing after that bloody dog any bloody more and finally bastard being the most internationally recognised english swear word is an advantage as it is easy to learn and incorporate into your everyday language however this can also be a great disadvantage as the subtleties that make it truly english are often lost but don t worry about that now we ll be coming back to that in lesson 4 until then keep practising coming soon lesson 2 mothers fathers and other blood relatives posted by shmuls at 6 51 pm 3 people wanted to say something and you can too 28 september 2005 just not right some things just shouldn t be allowed like this guy who photographed his own brain surgery posted by shmuls at 5 16 pm 4 people wanted to say something and you can too 26 september 2005 svedënhell i wish to officially take back what i said two weeks ago i hate ikea i loath it with an unearthly passion and now i m going to tell you why i m going to moan i m going to rant i m going to blitch and you re just going to have to listen cos it s my blog and i said so this is how you buy stuff in ikea israel first you have a look through the catalogue either online or in print and get a rough idea of what you want to buy you choose beds a sofa or two tables for the kitchen and dining room chairs for both bathroom cabinets office equipment etc then you go to ikea and are greeted instantly by bright lights clean walls a kid s crèche and two elegant restaurants one meat one milk both fully kosher until now you re doing great you re happy you re relaxed you re naïve you spend a good few hours on the top floor where everything is laid out nicely and it s easy to see what ikea has to offer you re given a small pad and a truly swedish pencil and walk around with the catalogue in one hand the pad in the other and the pencil in your mouth or behind the ear for the authentic experience choosing what you want for your new home and writing down all the product codes this part is actually quite difficult as you try to match colours fabrics rooms and themes as much as possible admittedly it s slightly irritating that light wood in one bookshelf isn t quite the same tone as in another and that the chairs that match your table only come with red black or beige cushions while the matching couch comes in blue green yellow or white but you re bigger than that you struggle on and with a triumphant but weary smile on your face you bring your full list with codes numbers and colours to the cashier with a tone that one normally saves for children and the physically disabled your cashier pitifully informs you that you ve been writing down the wrong product code you ve been looking at the red number on the bottom left corner when you really need the black number on the bottom right you need to start again most of us begin to crumble at this point but some foolhardy people still believe they can keep their composure and with a smile slightly wearier than triumphant they head off back through the faux wood jungle once again many are lead to believe you see that re writing their list should be easy as they ve done in once before and that all they need to do is find the stuff on their list and write down the other number i mean it sounds logical no no for this is ikea and logic hath no place within these halogen lit walls the ikea designers with their incessant scheming have named all their products in their warehouse after swedish porn stars their basic extending kitchen table is called mygård their single beds are tðvik their bookshelf s billy and their aptly named saucepan rack feckїt so you re trawling through the shower curtains trying to find the code to something on your list called an anneboded and about now even the most hardened crusader begins to loose his cool but this my friends is just the beginning because sometimes the product code you now need is missing replaced by a little yellow slip that says ask at the product helpdesk so you go to the product helpdesk to be told that for some reason or another the product that you want isn t available here is a true list of reasons we were told we couldn t get the products we wanted today in order of appearance the one in stock only has one door instead of two it s not available in that size no one else wants it in blue everyone else wants it in blue it s not in stock never was in stock and never will be in stock the guy who knows where we keep those isn t here today and it s in our warehouse but too high up never mind that you ve just spent two and a half hours colour co ordinating your living room we don t have half the stuff so you ll just have to start again i m gonna speed up here cos i m probably boring you i boring me for goodness sake here is the abridged version from what happens next to when you finally get to go home you go back to the counter to pay she sends you downstairs to the warehouse they send you back upstairs to get the petek product slips for half your stuff and tell you to come back down afterwards to get the rest off your stuff when you get back downstairs you discover that they don t get the stuff for you like in chul but that you have to go round the warehouse and get it all yourself so you spend an hour or so putting beds wardrobes desks bookcases and the likes into oversized yet still ridiculously small trolleys then physically exhausted you bring said trolleys to the checkout only to discover that they don t fit through the slim checkout isles i have seen grown men cry at this point somehow you get the stuff through the checkout give in the aforementioned petek and are told that you have to wait another hour while they get the aforementioned stuff for you at this point i cried finally and i do mean finally you get all your stuff together pay for it they give you the receipt and another slip of paper which you take with your beds wardrobes desks bookcases and the likes to home delivery where you have to wait for yet another hour for them to give you stickers to label all your products and a stick to hit the dog that bit the cat that ate the goat you can then after spending seven hours wandering around svedënhell learning to swear profusely in swedish and cursing every nordic god you can think off go home thank you for listening i feel much better now posted by shmuls at 11 52 pm 11 people wanted to say something and you can too about me name shmuls location givat shmuel ramat gan israel view my complete profile blogs of interest kosher salmon menachem in israel benjy s blog more links on my blogroll previously on ligtfab like i ve got time to move house mrs ligtfab how to swear like an englishman lesson 1 just not right svedënhell society for handheld hushing caffeine makes you poo never blog about bloging you awful thieving people ligtfab archives june 2005 august 2005 september 2005 october 2005 november 2005 the best of ligtfab the first blog blitching you awful thieving people society for handheld hushing how to swear like an englishman lesson 1 search ligtfab search ligtfab search the web feeds etc contact me this work is licensed under a creative commons attribution noncommercial noderivs 3 0 license