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feel completely stressed out all the time the only thing is my spending has stayed the same i ve insisted on my daily coffee fix a soy latte made with a delicious helping of honey an expensive indulgent choice feeling the strain and stress of too much going on i ve stopped at the taco place or yats or other take out place because i just didn t have the energy to cook i ve bought clothes on credit because i got a killer coupon in my email and spent more at target than i ve had budgeted for 2 months i believe in living simply in sacrificing stuff for chasing dreams in doing without so you can pursue a higher calling i just don t believe enough to actually do it a couple weeks ago i woke in the middle of the night in a panic i decided to try meditating and calming my breath to see if this would help sometimes i am able to feel relaxed enough after meditation to go back to sleep it didn t i was still wide awake so i reached for our yoga homework and began to read about suffering her general argument was simple most of our suffering is not born of the circumstances around us that is pain yes but suffering results from our own attachment to the circumstance slowly but surely the lights began to go on upstairs and i began to realize without judgment that i am the author of my own suffering at least in the area of money if i do not have enough it is not because i am the victim of not being paid enough or of my poor decision making re student loans but because i spend more than i make plain and simple i am unwilling to deny myself pleasure to take care of business a couple weeks ago one of our instructors for teacher training mentioned that regular steady practice helps bring behavioral and thought patterns to the surface only by encountering ourselves in a similar situation over and over again do you begin to see what we so often try to hide behind busyness and noise so here i am in one of the most stable places in my life great relationship living in the same place for nearly 2 years same job for almost a year and these money issues are surfacing clear and bright for so long i ve believed that money was only an issue when i wasn t making as much on more than one occasion in the past i ve gotten tangled up in money issues quit everything i was doing and took on a more responsible job to help heal the finances once they were in better shape i considered myself better but the truth is the problems were always there i just had more money therefore more margin but the problems were always there the new challenge is to continue ignoring the issue or accept the invitation before me the invitation to learn from this challenge the invitation to accept my limitations embrace them find a way to let them go and try on new patterns of behavior and so layer by layer i come to see myself in a much clearer light posted in uncategorized nov 04 yoga teacher training week 1 an invitation to a spiritual life posted by livingisaprocess 1 whether we seek something called spirituality holiness or enlightenment the route to it is through our humanness complete with our strengths and our weaknesses our successes and our failures you might say that we use ourselves to discover ourselves judith lasater about 3 years ago i walked out of and away from the christian church i had a very clear directive from above to let go follow my own inner wisdom and be free it was as if chains had been cut and i could not only walk in freedom i felt like i was flying i no longer felt suppressed or oppressed or any of the other pressed s i stopped worrying about what god or christians thought of me and my decisions and started living actually living my own life ever since i was a child i was a devout student of christianity i knew the stories backwards and forwards could quote the bible at a turn wondered and sought and journaled about the divine specifically in the form of jesus and gobbled up spiritual books like candy i knew how the writings of merton differed from those of st augustine and why anne lamott was such a revolutionary i enjoyed my time of study and seeking but when i left the church i left that all behind i was burned out exhausted emotionally spiritually bankrupt and i just needed a sincere space to rest and just be still even as i wrestled with my anger toward the church and my frustration with spirituality as i had known it i found that the only and rare times i was able to pray was during my practice i didn t often know who i was directing my prayers with as god had become a faceless distant character and my prayers didn t look like they once had instead of large questions and appeals they became statements instead of asking for peace for myself or someone i loved i simply repeated the statement over and over as i moved through the poses and movements somewhere deep down i knew i would need to nurture my spiritual self but could only find myself capable of doing that when practicing yoga prior to leaving the church i engaged in a 9 month spiritual journey through my church in which i d done a lot of deconstructing we dug deep into the structure of all we d been taught to believe about being christians and examined the very fabric of our creations all that deconstruction i know eventually set me free from the constructs i had been operating in as yoga teacher training approached i began to sense the time had come to rebuild our first gathering class time was last tuesday and one of the first questions we had to answer was which area of your life do you sense is needing the most attention at this time intellectual social emotional physical and or spiritual ding ding ding i ll take spiritual for 200 alex there is something about standing on this precipice having avoided it for nearly 3 years and having been hurt and wounded by spiritual people for the nearly 25 years prior to that i ve been hesitant to proceed it is as if i ve been standing on the edge of cliff knowing i ll have to eventually take the leap and all i can utter is fuck fuck fuck fuck then i open my homework assignment and start reading living your yoga by judith lasater and chapter one is titled spiritual seeking shit how did i get here how did this once curious open hearted child get so jaded and scared how do i open my heart to the vastness of all that is beyond how do i allow myself the possibility of experiencing spirituality beyond the confines of religion and namely christianity these have been my true week 1 homework questions and i have a feeling i will spend the next 20 weeks and the many years after trying to answer them posted in uncategorized sep 08 a lesson in detoxing posted by livingisaprocess 0 as i mentioned in my last post i just completed a five day detox that means that for the last five days i ve moved very intentionally when it came to food i woke up early to prepare my meals had a list of nourishing options at my disposal knew what my day would consist of and stayed within those boundaries i chose a hybrid of detox options from sources i trust and came up with this day 1 5 raw food banana avocado juice etc no caffeine sugar wheat meat etc day 2 4 ayurvedic detox soup mung beans with lots of delicious spices cumin turmeric fresh ginger etc sautéed greens for each meal detox tea also with lots of yummy spices to sip through the day fresh juice no caffeine sugar wheat meat etc i felt amazing my head felt clear my yoga practice focused my body light and manageable and not once not one single time did i feel starved i ate when i felt hungry and stopped when feel i felt nourished and generally content an equally important part of a detoxing period is rest and reflection rest so the body can use that energy to work on detoxing the cells and reflection to discover ways in which we perpetuate the build up of toxins in our systems it s true that some toxification we have no direct control over air quality car exhaust secondhand smoke etc but a good deal of it comes from our personal choices what we put into our bodies namely food and drinks and smoking rest and reflection gives us the space to seek those out a few things arose during my rest and reflection over the last few days of course the temptation to do too much as i mentioned in my post a couple days back here are a couple more 1 i rarely put my needs first this can manifest in a variety of ways from allowing someone to repeatedly take advantage of my time to not using the bathroom until all my work is done food and nutrition of course take a hit as i put work before lunch or helping a friend before planning a meal 2 i overdose daily on electronics from when i wake up to when i go to bed i have my finger on some piece of technology scrolling facebook checking email writing blogs ha i can t disconnect and have to admit my bigger problem is detaching from other s opinions 3 i have a distorted view of what it means to care for my body this is the big one and actually didn t come up until i was done with the detox in the past any time i ve fasted or detoxed whether for health or spiritual reasons i ve sustained myself on the vision of what i would eat drink consume once the fast was up i made promises to myself of large lattes from starbucks and 3 egg omelets w bacon and some more so when my sis invited my to dinner at a fav restaurant on the night of my 5th day i decided i d been a good enough girl and would make that meal my re entry into the world no huge indulgences no alcohol or anything like that but i would order a dinner and enjoy it so much or so i thought i ordered fish chips and compared to the wildly seasoned meals i d been having it was quite bland i felt neither satisfied nor content and didn t finish the meal in fact i felt let down the meal i d been looking forward to wasn t adding up a latte will help i thought and began to dream of the coffee and honey i d forgone during my detox i woke up late ran out the door without breakfast and raced to coffee shop for a honey soy latte it felt delicious at first soul warming and grounding but without any food to absorb the espresso my system quickly went haywire and now i sit just after the lunch hour feeling fidgety shaky hungry and irritated where is the peace i experienced during my fast where is the contentment i sacrificed them at the altar of desire and that is my greatest lesson from this detox session i sacrifice myself often at the alter of desire avoidance laziness etc i gladly change in my self to feel temporary satisfaction they say admitting you have a problem is the first step here s to the beginning of a long journey posted in ayurveda detox food grace healing health healthy wealthy wise journey sugar tagged ayurveda coffee detox environmental toxins no sugar raw diet reflection rest secondhand smoke smoking jul 27 doing too much posted by livingisaprocess 1 the summer between my sophomore and junior years of college i dedicated my summer to working in west oakland ca in a neighborhood called lower bottom birthplace of the black panthers it was there that i had one of the first profound prophecies over my life not from a shaman yogi guru pastor or priest no these words were simple and to the point and came from the mouths of the middle school girls i was charged with mentoring i can t even remember who was the first to say it but i m confident i heard it multiple times from multiple girls they would look at me after i said and or did something raise one eyebrow which was always a sure sign they disapproved cock their head smoosh up their little mouths and say christie you re doing too much of course it would take me the greater part of a decade to understand what they were trying to say initially i was defensive and denied their claims i wasn t doing too much i just cared liked to help wanted to be active yada yada yada but as the years have worn on and my body has worn out i ve come to understand the wisdom in such simple words hello i m christie and i do too much this past week i decided to embark on a detox this is nothing new to my life multiple experts in the natural health and healing circuit recommend a regular detox detoxes relieve the digestive system of the burden of digesting food and can better focus on removing the build up of harmful toxins from the system there are many detoxes out there but i chose a hybrid of raw ayurvedic practices my detox started with only consuming light raw fruits and vegetables on tuesday to ease my body in moved into a soup sauteed greens option from ayurveda on wed fri and will finish tomorrow with more raw foods to ease my body out along with the nutritional detox most experts stress a mental emotional detox as well mine must have been ready for it because i woke from a bad dream tuesday night crying into the dark tears of release i wanted to let the days of the detox be more intentional focused on reading the signs of my body honoring the need to rest and nap wednesday had other plans i knew i would need to work at the studio for about 5 hours then head to a friend s to clean for 2 then i planned to go see a movie by myself except a project was overdue and sent me running around town to the printer then miscommunication between staff meant covering the evening shift at the studio then the pos software was giving me fits and warranted 2 calls to the help line i got home at 9 15p and collapsed into bed i do too much this reality has been a hard one to accept i moved from denial to anger why can t i do whatever i want to bargaining ok if i just nap here and here i can still do all this stuff to depression and acceptance which i find myself toeing the line as i wrestle with feeling sad at the thought of missing out and then relieved when i just allow myself to rest no matter the stage though the truth was undeniable i began to notice a pattern of really exerting myself accepting every offer to hang out do coffee grab a drink attending every event i thought would be interesting or was invited to etc then crashing it was as if i went back to the well and found it completely dry but my body mind spirit completely parched and i panicked i retreated sometimes involuntarily one such event happened several years ago a friend who lived in chicago agreed to let me borrow her apartment when she was out of town i packed my backpack hopped on the megabus and several city buses later arrived in her place a wave of exhaustion rushed over me and i laid down for a nap that turned into bedtime that rolled into the next day and afternoon and night i ventured out only once for dinner i felt sick but something told me i just needed the rest all my grandiose plans to explore the city and journal and have adventures went out the window my reserves were depleted and finally being away from the voices and temptations in my own city i could hear my body mind spirit crying out for a break this detox period has heightened those senses today after working running errands all morning i considered squeezing in a movie with indy film ...