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by email email address follow join 658 other subscribers find your pockets february 13 2021 12 06 pm filed under babies general the big picture the first time pockets occurred to me was when i was in the energizing soul filling deep dark throes of being home full time with tiny twin babies neither of whom were good sleepers and one of whom didn t eat preciousmemories think i m exaggerating here s a glimpse i remember being struck with the thought of being on a plane in a pocket of turbulence as i m a nervous flyer when my plane hits a pocket of turbulence my entire being is brought into that moment my body becomes a rock of tension my heart rate doubles my brain goes to rapidly review all of the emergency protocols that i knew i should have listened to this time and i start imagining my demise in gory details it s all consuming so what happens when you are struck with the realization that your whole life is one giant ride of turbulence you find your pockets your other pockets pockets of peace were my first pockets and they may have saved my sanity in those aforementioned days they started as being as short as 30 seconds like on the extremely rare occasion when the stars would align they would both nap at the same time and i would manage to get a sip of tea and i d realize ooooh this is a pocket of peace and just by noticing it i would lean dive right into it cherish it revel in it and it was so soothing from then i started to try to cultivate them the hot showers washing away a sleepless night before starting the marathon day when i would take 30 extra seconds at the end to just stand there in the white noise and warm water the enjoyment of a well put together sandwich with all my favourite pieces rather than the more efficient barely reheated leftovers sitting in a chair in the sun for a minute literally with my eyes closed before i could hear the sounds of a toddler falling and crying out for a rescue the point was to notice them and whenever possible cultivate them know they re going to end and soon so completely surrender to them and then things got easier way easier note i didn t say easy because that would be dumb af the easier things got the more space i had to notice revel in and cultivate other types of pockets pockets of joy pockets of thrill pockets of nature you get the point it s not complicated over the years i ve shared my love of pockets with people who i knew were going through turbulent times read new parents especially breastfeeding moms as well as friends who were completely overwhelmed with work or illness sometimes i get pictures from new moms sharing with me their pockets of peace in a photo and it s the best they are sharing with me their awareness of the rare moment of pure unfiltered tranquility that is so replenishing and i get a little vicarious hit of peace allaboutme alas here we are a year into i m rounding up ok a pandemic and indeed the turbulence has become the default the stress the anxiety the uncertainty the rage the frustration and helplessness these are turbulent emotional times my friends while i know we are all doing the noble work of being grateful for what we can can we just talk about the fact that sometimes the pressure to force yourself to be grateful can be a whole other layer of turbulence which we then don t talk about because then the gratitude doesn t seem genuine but really it s just that we re complicated humans and capable of feeling many things simultaneously and often they conflict more hard the gratitude i have for the way my family gets to endure a pandemic sometimes literally overwhelms me and my breath is taken away and then i make another donation and order more take out from local restaurants and yet that genuine gratitude does not protect me from other waves of depression anxiety frustration boredom hopelessness deep concern for those who have it so hard right now no matter how much gratitude logging and perspective taking i do spoiler alert it s a lot the default has become once again turbulence this time with sleep and so while i have never let go of my love of my pockets they have come back to play a truly precious role in my life they are those moments when i can become completely consumed in a therapeutic soul nourishing experience and i feel my body relax my heart lighten and my brain slow down if only for a moment i hope for you all to find pockets of whatever will give you some peace and ease and that you may find the energy to revel in those pockets and that those pockets soothe your soul and mind if only for a moment honestly i think that specific instance happened one time and i still cherish that memory leave a comment new year old me january 7 2017 8 59 pm filed under events general the big picture tags new years resolutions the annual reflex to set a personal improvement goal to mark the new year passed right by me this year the meme that went around about how people could expect the same old sarcastic yet charming jackass that they ve grown to love or not deeply resonated with me maybe it s something in the air clearly i m not the only one who is incapable of feigning the desire to set out a grand goal that i know will be a future failure i feel like i m quite fine just as i am partly because the quest of self improvement is a running theme in my life always if anything i m actually hoping to bring to the forefront some of old me rather than reinvent myself there are parts of younger me that i quite miss and are due for a comeback more sass less sacharine more movies less phone more music less silence more fire and feeling less calm more writing uh oh that sounds like a resolution don t hold me to it balanced doesn t look the same in any two people i ve been trying to emulate a version of it that i admire in other people but that isn t necessarily mine my balance is a little further along the energetic and sassy end of the spectrum it means that i can rub people the wrong way but that s something that at thisis38 has less weight than it did five years ago even two years ago to be honest as my dear friend kelly said just today i can t wait to see how little i care at 50 and so if i were to have a new year s resolution it would be to find more of my old self and to let go of turning myself into a new ideal version that i can t actually live in old me as in i m old 2 comments bring it on back march 21 2016 6 27 pm filed under general tags brothers and sisters family mental illness siblings my eyes hurt from crying i imagine if i looked in a mirror i d look like a boxer after the fight and as always lately the trigger was a song when it came on a smile built on a two decades old memory washed over my face as the song went on it felt like all that time it had been prophetic my brother until he was forever changed yes changed by an autoimmune disease combined with a mental illness was my brother my father my best friend my biggest fan my mentor and ally we used to dance around our house and sing like sing our two favourites were lisa loeb s stay he was totally ethan hawke in reality bites as an aside and the one below i hadn t heard it in forever so when it came on today on the way home from visiting him in hospital where he s been for almost 3 months i was instantly overcome i remember so vividly us yell singing this song so damn theatrically around our living dining room that we would end up doubled over laughing but today as the song progressed and then came to its beautiful ending the smile evolved into tears and i continued to bawl for the countless times i then replayed it bring it on back bro keep fighting and come back to us we love you you ve lost that loving feeling 1 comment stepping back in time messybun4eva march 15 2016 6 40 pm filed under babies general ottawa parenting shopping the big picture the kids are away for the week i can hardly breathe but let s not go there so obviously today i distracted my heartsick self by going back into my beloved former centretown life a yoga class followed by a quick trip to hartman s apparently it s now called massine s to grab sushi for dinner i had never ever before noticed the night and day level difference of the clientele at my old grocery store versus my new one it was like seeing myself 10 years ago it was like being able to see the future of my fellow customers in a way that they would never believe me if i tried to tell them as they casually perused which of the fancy cheeses to buy instead of diaper bags they carry yoga mats or designer purses instead of a best intentioned but barely pulled off messy bun women wear make up their hair blow dried seriously y all they look amazing instead of seeing bags under eyes that are the result of many nights weeks months years of no sleep eyes look fresh rested people s steps almost bouncing like they don t even know what to do with their energy instead of dressy fake lululemons that were bought at the very grocery store where we now shop and are used rarely if ever for actual exercise people are wearing non stretchy clothing fitted and formed to their energetic bodies so glamorous are they all models instead of despite the clear exhaustion the look of relief of having the peacefulness of alone time to cruise the grocery store aisles uninterrupted in silence couples stare and giggle lovingly at each other as they experience their first grocery shopping together relationship milestone i blatantly stared at those ones instead of toddlers being fed a different thing directly off the shelf in every aisle spilling things here and there teetering on the cusp of tantrums adults have civilized conversations about different ways to get curry into their diet with the taste test providers not a child to be seen anywhere despite knowing how much our world has changed and goddess knows how much we were desperate for it to change and are so thankful that we have what we do now what a startlingly visual reminder of where and what i used to be and a reminder to appreciate and accept the extent to which we re all so tired instead of wondering why and giving ourselves grief for not trying harder to be like our 25 year old selves mind you i m almost inspired to try to dig out my blow dryer almost messybun4eva leave a comment this superhero is hanging up her cape nervousbreakdown2015 november 8 2015 9 38 pm filed under general disclaimer this post is overflowing with privilege i fully recognize that our family has financial choices available that others simply do not not long ago i wrote a parent s super power about how parents become superheroes when they have kids and tap into a previously unharnessed source of energy in order to live their lives i cringe when i read it now here we are two years on my children still don t sleep through the night one has turned out to be prone to anxiety and highly sensitive and my husband and i have been working very stressful jobs and i m burnt out officially medically i have left my job my career maybe not forever but certainly for the foreseeable future when i went to the doctor about six weeks ago her series of questions made me realize that while i knew that i had become extremely fragile i hadn t fully accept the internal collapse that had happened do you ever think about hurting people i was surprised to get that question it was a first as anyone who has experienced bouts of depression one knows the do you think about hurting yourself question is standard and i ve thankfully always been able to reply in the negative but this was a new one by asking it the doctor was revealing how bad off she thought i was if i was surprised by being asked the question i was even more so with my answer which came out so reflexively without any filters that it essentially revealed the root of my current crisis i fantasize about taking better care of people i responded in tears my children who i knew needed me more than i was able to give them with how our lives were organized my husband with whom under all the stress and frantic chaos of our lives i have been dancing a waltz of resentment and bitterness myself to breathe without chest constrictions to meditate to do yoga to run to paint to read to nest to fulfill that part of me that wants to care for those close to me seriously the aforementioned privilege that this post is soaked with makes me nauseous but there it is i started with a month off which was spent basically asleep building up some basic physical emotional and mental reserves it soon became clear that this was a new world order that for the sake of our family needed to become more permanent i was able to breathe again parent with patience wife with kindness all of which was complementing the compassion kindness and gentleness that my own self was demanding much has been written by people more eloquent smart and researched there will be no research happening by this camper right now needless to say than i about the debate of whether or not we implicating women generally for some reason can have it all some adults have to have it all be parents and work because financially that s what they need to do what they are teaching and modeling for their children is incredibly valuable and i will call them superheroes until i m blue in the face in the case of two parent households who can contemplate one parent staying home it should go without saying that both parents careers should be up for reconsideration in some households that i know dad stays home takes care of everyone and sits on school council as it works in our household mine was the easier to put on hold primarily because i am so burnt out and when thinking about alternatives to 9 to 5 office life the only things i want to do are things like walk my kids to school and stay home with them when they re sick without thinking twice about it rather than fly my mom in from another city so that le husband i don t have to take so many sick days as was the approach last winter one of the most surprisin...