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love you already letters to our someday baby became a blog about life as a new adoptive mom love you already letters to our someday baby became a blog about life as a new adoptive mom home about me subscribe to feed hello stranger may 25 2012 in adoption 2 comments i truly had no idea i d been away this long i was sure nobody ever visited anymore but was surprised this evening to see i m still getting a few hits a day in case you re someone checking in for an update here it is baby girl is now 2 3 years old and is simply the most adorable loving remarkable child ever created in the whole entire universe but i may be a little biased in my last post many months ago i talked about the trouble we were having as a couple it still continues to be a struggle there are many factors that come into play including employment instability for one of us and possible depression and so on but the one true light that continues to help us work at it is simply delightful i m pretty sure i won t be back for another several months but wanted to say hello i hope the rest of you are well the happiness project august 23 2011 in adoption baby depression motherhood parenting 1 comment there was a time when i was not capable of being happy for others particularly when they were expecting a baby i tried my best and pretended i could be happy for them but i was so darn broken inside it wasn t possible to feel anything other than pity for myself i couldn t see beyond my own pain in hindsight i can now see i went through a period of serious depression it lasted about two years following our miscarriage i felt very little emotion least of all happiness or joy for others i m so relieved to discover that this has changed i can congratulate others for their accomplishments in an authentic way i can be genuinely happy when i learn of a girlfriend s pregnancy or when i meet a new work acquaintance who says she s just back from maternity leave this past weekend i nearly shocked myself when i found myself hugging and kissing our friends kids it was completely spontaneous and joyful but sadly i d never done that before i wasn t capable the whole notion of happiness is an interesting one as children we are taught to strive for whatever we want and it is implied that we shouldn t be happy until we achieve it we see what others around us have and assume they are happier we believe that filling a certain void will solve all problems and automatically make us happy it s not necessarily true i ve discovered some scary truths about being a first time mom and trying to maintain a solid marriage i don t know if other mothers talk about this but i want to say for the record our first year with baby while one of the most joyous events of my life also brought immense misery at times i m referring mostly to my marriage we d managed to hold things together throughout the bumpy ride and therapy certainly helped us see the important work we had to do to continue to honour each other and not let resentment get the best of us but the therapy stopped not long before our daughter surprised us with her presence we haven t been back i remember the therapist saying you will be parents one day and i hope you ll continue to come see me then because there will still be issues you ll need to work through including parenting an adopted child boy was she right it s been a tough road i don t think either of us know what the root of our problem truly is we ignore it until it explodes then we acknowledge it and try to change then it creeps back up repeat i want to fix it but i don t know how how do we get back to happy how can i be so deliriously happy to be a mother and so fed up with my husband at the same time it s really frustrating in other news we re meeting with birthmother today blogroll adoption journey anderson happenings bloggin in style clio dig this chick enjoying the small things heart cries last best hope mamma wannabe archives archives select month may 2012 august 2011 june 2011 may 2011 april 2011 march 2011 january 2011 december 2010 november 2010 october 2010 september 2010 august 2010 july 2010 june 2010 may 2010 april 2010 march 2010 february 2010 january 2010 december 2009 november 2009 october 2009 september 2009 august 2009 july 2009 june 2009 may 2009 april 2009 march 2009 january 2009 december 2008 november 2008 june 2008 i long for the baby to wander hither to me like a wind shadow wandering over the water so that she can stand on my knee with her little bare feet in my hands cool like syringa buds firm and silken like pink young peony flowers from a baby running by d h lawrence email subscription enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email email address sign me up join 3 other subscribers previous entries create a free website or blog at wordpress com ben eastaugh and chris sternal johnson subscribe to feed subscribe subscribed love you already sign me up have a wordpress com account log 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