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who is treating me apparently i am supposed to follow up with my pcp thankfully at this appointment the nurse practitioner that i saw actually gave a shit and couldn t figure out why nobody had told me to get any scans after all this crap he immediately recommended a full blood test scan 10am today for everything and a echocardiogram for my heart like really thanks man he also approved the marijuana approach to dealing with pain after he informed me that he can t legally give me pills i told him i hate the pills anyway no worries so someone actually cared enough to see something i needed and make it happen wow i m finding i am really dissatisfied with my oncologist i loved the care and the hospital but the team has proved to be nothing but people with blinders on phyllis can push the tamoxifen on me hard and heavy but i meet more and more women with side effects who had to stop taking it personally this woman is so hard up to give me this drug but fails to give a whit about where i worked or what i eat i literally inhaled the chemical equivalent of a pack of cigarettes an hour at work with the air i breathed at work and it never phased them but i did the right thing by calling osha pesticides may have contributed to my cancer is what the doctor said too but i eat all orgaic and don t spray my garden or lawn at all but the tamoxifen manufacturer that company that makes that breast cancer pill also manufactures a pesticide that has been banned in a ton of countries because it causes cancer and my doctor is right and i am wrong for questioning it wow and the tamox side effects that thousands of women on internet message boards have that i can relate to do not exist in the oncologist s office i bring up the rage incident with the nurse tamoxifen rage never heard of it oh wait i m googling it now wow it really does happen and i didn t go to fancy colleges really the bone pain the vertigo the yuck that s all my fault and not tamoxifen s ok not sure why they love to defend a pill probably money this racket this medical racket we are squeezed through i had so much faith in them and they held the reigns but it wasn t right i got attitudes when i had no idea what was going on yet nobody communicates anything or can answer a question it s all a mess how does someone who treats cancer just not give a shit about environment diet or lifestyle you have a heart attack and you eat like crap your doctor restricts your diet you get cancer and you eat like crap and they encourage it eat whatever you want go for it nobody tells you sugar is a friend of cancer it s why they give you the sugary crap for medical tests the junk goes right to the sugar but no nothing you eat or smoke live or where you work has nothing do with your cancer nobody good god what is this earth coming to do people care about other people any more blech i m an inch away from throwing this stupid tamoxifen back at them no thanks but that s ok as long as i have the fox chase surgeon who can reattach my blood vessels and boobs and dr miller cutting out the pieces an oncologist other than cairoli is probably something i ll be looking for in the future he s a nice guy but i don t want a nice guy when it comes to cancer i want someone who cares and questions how i got it and what i can eat to keep the blood healthy my dad died of an environmental cancer i don t want to join him just yet ya know his doctor cared and questioned and was so awesome but unfortunately my insurance won t let me go to pennsylvania ugh nj has no wellness oncology ironic since we have the highest cancer rates per area than any other state so it s day 11 of the raw detox and aside from yesterday s nasty headache coffee withdrawl it s going ok i m losing weight rare when you are on tamoxifen only 5 lbs so far i put on 50 lbs during treatment but i m feeling good purging crap and unnecessary stuff out i cleaned out my closet and bedroom and that was a feat of strength 2 kids and their socks will take over any house spent 2 days donating and chucking and packing and folding and i found it was really painful it opened a wound that pretty much is the main reason i had to start sitting down and blogging again i never imagined the wound would open but it really is ptsd when it gets bad i ll have an anxiety attack after lying down and all of a sudden i flash to the operating table right before my surgery my mind seems to replay the horrible parts of all of this and it won t stop i hate it i took a xanax yesterday and i never do that purging my closet meant i had to throw out all my clothes i can t ever wear again the cute halter tops the bathing suits all my bras had to go my nursing bras were the hardest it was too much you wouldn t think that throwing away those things would be so painful but it was death of the ego yes but crap i m an amputee some days i wish it was my legs instead i know it sounds vain so what it hurt i couldn t part with the shirt i wore to the hospital though the last shirt my old body wore at least it was striped anyway it was just real tough fuck you feel all put together and some dumb thing tips you over when you least expect it doesn t help when menopause apparently goes out the window and your period comes back with a vengeance of epic proportions that really don t help the situation either sounds dramatic but it is lol agh it dredged up so much stuff cleaning out that closet but it motivated me too to just let it go go go go it is just taking it s time leaving lets hope for some clean blood results and a better heart i live in new jersey after all phyllis next week yay no dr patel until august i cannot wait to fix this freakshow chest please truckin on posted by brianne diomede at 6 56 am 1 comment email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 6 05 2013 been a loong time eh raw detox day2 hi everyone all 7 of you maybe more time finds these posts farther and farther apart i think about it though it has kept me sane in the worst of times that s for sure i got a new laptop so i can be mobile finally in my work so it helps when it s 3am and i can type in my sewing room and not in the kitchen in front of the neighborhood it s easier when you don t feel well and here i am with my familiar friend insomnia sitting in my house at 3 16am been up since 1 of course right before the husband gets home from his endless evenings in belmar recording this album it s a big project for him i m excited for it what s new well vacation was great the house was great the time was great worth a few extra bills to be able to be 42 feet over the ocean a nice clean house being able to see my family we go every year but this year was the screw you cancer vacation the year before i had been freaking out because i was due for my biopsy the morning after getting back may 9th was 6 months since the surgery and i was due to see dr miller oddly enough the morning after getting back from vacation of course in our house wellness is never a long term option melody had had a rash on vacation a simple diaper rash that got a little aggravated by a 10 hour trip in a carseat red patches but no broken skin while we were at the beach she had been playing in the ocean s pools and i was glad since sticking it in the ocean always cleared up anything on our last day it hadn t cleared up and in fact had gotten worse and kinda ugly looking i ll spare you the photographs she had developed 2 small hard bump on both legs opposite each other on her inner thigh right above her knees also 2 smaller ones behind a knee they didn t look good and my mother s instinct kicked in my niece who had been staying with my sister in nc was a nurse and had mrsa in the same spot and she said it looked just like that and it was painful keep an eye on it she said no fevers or vomiting she should be ok ok here we go another thing come to kill us why we drove home cautiously the kid threw up 3 times on the way home and we were constantly on the phone with grandma and my niece and oh man scary shit by the time we made it home we gave her a bath and i had been soaking the bumps in tea tree oil for 24 hours and it wasn t working like it should have this was not a zit or simple ingrown hair the next morning i cancelled dr miller s appointment the 3 hour round trip no thanks and took melody to the pediatrician she took one look and kinda knew what it was and gave us 2 options 1 take her to the er and have these lanced drained and sewn up and tested for mrsa 2 give her mrsa antibiotic medication and if it works she had mrsa i knew she did and had to spare this kid the hell of a hospital again so we took the 2 option and took the chance no time to relax since coming home it turned into wound care central for 24 7 for a week straight this infection is horrible and ugly the poor kid wouldn t eat couldn t walk i consulted dr google and discovered this stuff called manuka honey they had it in a health food store a half hour away and mark ran right out it s 40 bucks a jar but this stuff says it killed mrsa and healed the horrible sores it caused it was constant baths new sheets sterile laundry vigilance to make sure everything was contained but this honey was applied to her wounds and it got bad it took on the forms of dante s stages of hell this poor child and this stuff kills you if it infects your blood that honey was put on clean sterile gauze and wrapped onto the wounds directly every 3 hours and i watched this thing drain and heal itself like nobody s business a wound that was supposed to stay open for weeks closed up in a week amazing so we had no time to come home from vacation and relax and i need a do over no way we can get another house to rent but we have a tent and that s all i need we re heading outt for july 4th weekend since mark isn t booked that weekend and at the jersey shore unless you live directly on the beach or have a bike you will not be able to see fireworks on the beach without having to deal with the 4 hour traffic jam to get back to your house 5 minutes away i had enough stress lol so that was fun vacation mrsa tamoxifen hell has leveled off a bit but still stupid the bone pain has gotten worse but the hormonal crap has gone down since my period came back last month it felt eerily similar to when it comes back after you have a baby the crazies have stopped yay i still hate this drug and the fact it has made me 80 years old i am pushing past it though and walking the boardwalk trying to garden left handed stay active it helps today is day 2 of an 8 week raw food detox i m starting because i just feel like shit and i m tired of feeling like shit i stopped juicing in the last 4 weeks because i got violently ill the last time another pleasant side effect i had slacked gained some more pounds and finally couldn t take it anymore in 2 weeks i go completely raw for a whole month it s going to feel very very good to get the chemo and the anesthesia and all that radiation shit out and start repairing my body back to how it used to be even before i started working at that horrible chemical factory i m also noticing for the first time in 5 years i have color on my skin i m outside every day i did finally get to see dr miller a week after melody s mrsa fun and i was given the all clear after a very thorough exam of my lymph nodes and breasts the pain in my back was muscular thank goodness it went away with heat scary i had felt one spot on my back that was hurting for weeks and getting worse tomorrow i follow up with dr cairoli thankfully i have health insurance again as of june 1st thanks to the state of nj and despite the step down from work s plan the choices are scant but my doctors are on the plan yay i don t know if i have to go for any scans i ll find out i hope not i can t wait to get back to dr patel i need my chest fixed once and for all angelina jolie keeps trying to one up me i can t take it anymore overall i m tired and still wacky with sleeping and being in pain but getting better a little bit every day finding the joy in festivals again too i come home from them like a kid coming home from disney when can we go again i love festivaltown my stonehenge was cancelled this year so we have a few we will be going to good for the soul and i should be strong enough to take the kids with us melody is a music and dancing and crazy freak child a sheer opposite of her older sister she has yet to experience a festival fully can t wait walking is the only issue i can t do that for very long before the pain hits and i need to sit down i am so elderly meanwhile the husband just turns 55 and has more energy than me getting my house to be livable cleaned up and organized is also a huge goal this detox is going to be awesome and i ll fit into my jeans again i hope it fixes this leg pain posted by brianne diomede at 4 18 am no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest 4 25 2013 kiss of a rattlesnake i hope this blog hasn t turned into me whining i would hate that wahhh all day but fuck i can t just vent to people more than my mother kids and husband and best friend i just feel like how many times can this chick just complain about how much her feet hurt enough the farther i make it down tamoxifen road the shittier the path gets i feel crappier now than i did during chemo or treatment on good days it s a different thing every day one day it s chest pains you think you re gonna die one day its moodswings and crying and hormones you worry even more about being around long enough to see your kid graduate high school silly i say to myself of course you ll be here just think positive but i feel like i m taunting fate doing that i could be dead in 5 years who am i to claim to predict my fate it s like saying oh hurricane this house has been here since 1960 no hurricane is gonna wreck it and the hurricane comes and wrecks it it happened all around me people got cocky i don t want to be cocky i don t want to live in a fantasy world either i worry about the bone pain being precursors to something more later on because nobody wants to deal with your shit after the cancer gets cut out and they send you off on your merry way concerns about my workplace it s possible involvement little questions about dumb things i felt like i was bothering them and they refused to take the time to give a shit about brianne not the run of the mill breast cancer patient they see so many of all day i feel like they won t do anything until i find a tumor or have some pain for a few weeks they don t give a shit unless my cancer comes back then they step it up and that fucking sucks i m in some pain and i m hating the side effects this dumb drug they wanted me to take is giving me depression mood swings menopause bone pain the fucking bone pain neuropathy wtf i don t get a chance to see my oncologist again till may 31 i wonder if they ever read all the documents i sent about methylene chloride they put me on these drugs i do t...