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spelling the built up tension later when our separate latke platters sat side by side on the buffet table i overheard stacy talking to her friend joann a tall extremely thin beauty my mom uses so much oil in her latkes i heard her say don t you think mine are better they re not as greasy joann nodded you know how they cook she said all carbs and grease and sugar later on though i noticed joann standing alone by the buffet she glanced around furtively then hastily grabbed one of my latkes and put it on her plate what s so funny stacy who d been standing next to me asked oh nothing i said i was just thinking of the dueling spatulas stacy chuckled you ll have to admit she said my latkes are less greasy than yours uh huh i nodded kissing her on the cheek feeling exactly the way i used to when she was a little girl and i let her win at checkers less greasy definitely leave a comment posted in musings and tagged channukah cooking family life personal bookmark the permalink the couch a short story posted on december 16 2017 by marsheiner i awoke with cramped muscles from sharing my narrow couch with lenny as i watched the dust motes lazily circling through the light around his curly hair i thought i gotta get rid of this guy i blinked in self astonishment jumped up and put on the coffee get rid of lenny the thought was preposterous in just one month with him i d acquired a taste for far eastern cooking experienced the magic of midnight ferry rides learned to play chess and had been introduced to zen buddhism bird watching and camping in the woods his pile of possessions neatly stacked in a corner of my studio apartment was small price to pay i sipped my coffee and watched him sleep his slender form framed by the elegant lines of the japanese style sofa it was about eight feet long and just wide enough to accommodate one average sized body graceful black and gray leaf shapes swirled against a backdrop of off white linen the back and arms were a rich deep ebony lenny s porcelain skin pulled taut over finely sculpted bones were the perfect adornment for my furniture still i did not want to continue sleeping with his feet in my face no the couch would have to go to be replaced with sleeping accommodations for two and good riddance to its memories it was outrageously decadent anyway unsuited to my new lifestyle perhaps i had once found it beautiful but now it seemed an affront a reminder of the room from whence it came an orange room decorated in suburban japanese the room in turn reminded me of the sprawling ranch house it had been part of and the life that house had sheltered my ex husband and i had made love on the couch first covering it with a clean sheet yes the couch must go definitely today lenny stirred and threw an arm over his eyes to deny morning i knelt by his side and embraced his face with my eyes i never tired of looking at that face the high fine cheekbones the haunted haunting eyes the full lips revealing the faintest droop of disillusionment an old man had once described lenny as aristocratic aristocratic orphan i murmured brushing the hair from his forehead huh lenny put his arm down to look at me he always looked at me as if he couldn t quite believe i was real lenny listen i began eager to spring into action i have a great idea let s get rid of this couch and buy a big foam mattress oho he sat up and pulled on his threadbare trousers why oho he looked sideways at me janbaby you are as transparent as cellophane let s get rid of the couch ha ha i stared at him genuinely puzzled he reached over and rumpled my hair with affection so you can t stand the memories anymore huh time to clear the room of old ghosts it s okay babe i can dig it i smiled uncertainly he was partly right but i resented his quick analysis that way he had of pinpointing and defining my emotions actually the main reason is my muscles hurt from sleeping in such a tight space whatever you say baby you say the couch gotta go it goes i barely managed to restrain myself from saying of course it s my couch one of the outstanding features of this couch was that it did not fit in the building s elevator three moving men had labored three sweaty hours maneuvering it up and around the narrow stairwell twelve flights to its destination my ex husband had been on hand presumably to ease my transition into urban singlehood jan he reprimanded me as if the whole thing was my fault these guys scratched the finish on the couch david cut it out look what they re going through with it i think you oughtta take 20 00 off their bill how can i complain about a few scratches when these guys nearly killed themselves moving it that s so typical of you you re always being taken i don t know how you re gonna survive without me i ll do just fine don t you worry yeah i can just see you a month from now some bum will come along find out about your inheritance and use you as a meal ticket david please i would like you to leave my apartment now if it hadn t been for my dumb mother leaving you half her estate you wouldn t even have this apartment your mother wasn t dumb she knew you were unbearable and she felt guilty towards me so she gave me a ticket out angry david reached the door as the moving men staggered in with the last of my possessions you guys oughtta make good for the scratches on the couch he said before disappearing down the hall they glared at him don t pay any attention to him i said handing each one a hefty tip to compensate considering the moving hassles a prospective buyer would face i decided to ask only 500 for the couch even though i d paid 3000 for it just two years ago i placed an ad in the village voice she said her name was margaret smith and with a perfunctory glance at the couch seated herself upon it she then proceeded to confess bits and pieces of her jagged life i yawned annoyed by lenny s interest in her story after she d gone through two abortions and numerous lovers i asked do you want the couch what oh yes the couch well of course jan s a little anxious lenny told her embarrassed by my businesslike manner she can t stand the sight of her ex husband anymore i glared at him margaret smith gave him a knowing smile then turned to me i know what it s like but you really should talk about it there s nothing to be ashamed of we all have exes it doesn t fit i said what doesn t fit the couch it doesn t fit in the elevator it has to be carried down you ll need a few guys to help you oh that s no problem my two boyfriends will do it it s just marvelous how well they get along i m so much better off with the arrangement i have now she talked about her life for another l5 minutes finally she left saying she d come for the couch on saturday boring i exploded banging the door shut behind her janbaby why are you so afraid of opening up to people she was a beautiful chick honest and up front with everything is that really what you think he turned to me his face free of guile sure that s how people should be trusting she knew she could trust us but why why should she trust us why not no seriously jan listen to me you and me we re good people and this is a new age you gotta start accepting and believing in your own goodness he stared at me intently willing me to accept what he so fervently believed suddenly i was ashamed of my cynicism margaret smith was probably a fine human being i walked into lenny s open arms and wept in confusion while he not for the first or last time comforted me on saturday morning we left the door ajar while eating breakfast i was savoring the first cigarette and coffee when a gargantuan man walked in you the people selling a couch are you buying it margaret smith suddenly emerged from behind the promethean figure this is bo bo this is lenny and i m sorry i forgot your name janice bo bowed his head formally pleased to meet you janice leonard lenny turned into super host transferring the contents of the refrigerator onto the table pulling off lids putting out dishes and silverware bo baby try some of this cheese can i get you a beer coffee where s i began looking around for margaret s other boyfriend she quickly cut me off now i m sure there won t be any trouble moving this couch you look like a big strong fella she looked coyly at lenny if she secretly thought her chosen adjective incongruous she didn t show it what a fool i thought for i knew that lenny really was a big strong fella i d seen him split wood with those delicate hands had felt his hard body on top of mine i decided to sit back and watch the day s drama unfold it was anyhow beyond my control my strong fella looked at me his eyes twinkling i knew i d get roped into this he said with a good natured laugh let s stop this partying and get to work margaret ordered i ve been thinking about the situation it seems to me that with a little ingenuity we could get this couch into the elevator watch out for her bo warned with a belly laugh bo you promised to cooperate it doesn t fit i said we will make it fit now bo just examine this couch and see what you can do i need a cup of coffee bo stood looking awkwardly helpless while lenny took out a tape measure and crawled behind the couch then he dashed out to the elevator with his tape nope he reported cheerily when he returned it doesn t fit what if you took off the legs margaret suggested lenny crawled underneath the couch and emerged covered with dust a sight that just a few short months ago would have mortified me we ll need a phillips head screwdriver come on janbaby walk me to the car lenny i told him on the way to the car these people were supposed to move the couch by themselves that s why i m selling it so cheap yeah i know this bo is a rip but what the hell what else do we have to do today when we returned to the apartment music was blasting from the stereo and bo sat cross legged in a corner reading my yoga book are you two into yoga oh yeah sure lenny nodded gravely this was news to me i practiced nearly every morning but i d never seen lenny take so much as a deep breath much less invert his body in a shoulder or head stand come on boys margaret barked clapping her hands let s get this show on the road lenny took off the sofa legs losing maybe three inches of its height he and bo dragged it into the hall and rang for the elevator first they shoved it in straight then they stood it on end then they tried various diagonal positions in every case the couch wouldn t clear the elevator doors finally huffing and puffing lenny announced it doesn t fit it doesn t fit bo repeated i told you so now that we all agree said margaret let us proceed to the stairwell bo took up the rear while lenny carried most of the weight up front i navigated margaret smith remained upstairs lenny labored under the weight of the couch his face flushed and hair damp with sweat while bo cooly held up his end more or less pushing it onto lenny s back i trailed behind in case they needed me to open a door or something when we finally reached the lobby bo went back upstairs to get margaret who brought her car around to the front of the building with heavy twine lenny did a boy scout quality job of tying the couch to the roof of the car i left a check on the table margaret called as they drove off with my couch i d been so captivated by the day s mini drama i d forgotten about the money i raced upstairs and was relieved to find she had indeed left a check on monday i deposited the check on tuesday i received the following letter dear janice unfortunately the couch broke in half as we were driving it home due to the slipshod way in which it had been tied to the roof of the car i cannot afford to pay for something i do not have and so i am stopping payment on my check yours margaret smith against lenny s protests i went to small claims court and issued a summons it was returned marked addressee unknown for nearly a week we slept on the floor lenny accustomed to far worse accommodations didn t mind but i was sore and grumpy we finally went down to 14 th street where we purchased a lightweight mattress rolled it up and tied it with string and took it home on the subway we put it down in a corner and threw a madras bedspread on top now we had plenty of room and i slept soundly until a few nights later when i awoke screaming from a nightmare in which my pocketbook and identification had been stolen from me wake up jan it s only a dream lenny turned on the light i stared at him his features appeared distorted almost wolfish i screamed louder what is it baby tell me i want my couch back you sold it i didn t sell it i threw it away and you helped me janbaby take it easy what s this really about i want my couch back jan you can t go back can the jargon len this isn t about going back or any deep psychological illness i m buying a new couch tomorrow exactly like the old one if i have to search the whole city to find it fine you want a new couch we buy a new couch what is this we i spat out it s my money this was a simple statement of fact but the viciousness behind it said volumes about the feelings beneath suspicion and resentment of lenny dripped from my lips his facial muscles twitched as if hit a tense silence enveloped us as he lowered his head when he raised it again his lips were drooped and tears swam in his hazel eyes he didn t have to say a word i was filled with remorse for having wounded him over a material possession over money that thing we swore was the root of all evil i put my arms around him it s okay lennybaby it s okay i didn t mean it about the money it s all right baby everything s all right i cradled his head close to my breast and gently rocked him to sleep when dawn broke we were still in that position my body shielding lenny s eyes from the glare of the morning sun 2 comments posted in fiction musings and tagged fiction bookmark the permalink chumbug posted on november 29 2017 by marsheiner my almost annual holiday essay performance piece which i wrote some 20 plus years ago it gives me a great deal of egotistical satisfaction to note that my predictions have come true as proven by the photos below chumbug so nu it s not enough that i ve been hocked to death by xmas for six decades now it s chanukah too christian america has been trying for years now to pacify jews with misguided notions of equal time televised menorah lightings dreidl dolls with curlable hair latke dinners at 25 bucks a plate children s books on chanukah spill from bookstore shelves i saw one in which chanukah was interwoven with the birth of jesus enough with the chanukah bushes already i don t want chanukah any more than i want xmas not only is it a minor holiday it isn t even politically correct it commemorates some sort of jewish war victory no one used to pay any attention to it not even jews but the more xmas fever rose the more obvious the inequality became by the way xmas as a national disease is about to go official with the american psychiatric association pl...