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Text of the page (random words):
wanted her to live to see you grow up you need her we thought and we were right when your mom knew she was dying i told her that she would raise you through me i believe that this is proving to be true and children at the end of the day your mom and i were faced with a question that one day we all will face are you strong enough to do this on your own and children our answer was a resounding clear no we need peace we need our family we need a community we need each other i need you and thankfully you need me you have a loving caring community you have an unshakable family you have me i have you you have jesus the only way i can explain why all three of you are contributing well to your surrounding regardless of what happened to you is that you are full of grace grace our days are busy now but children today i am with you i go through my days now understanding that tomorrow will be easier for us we will be more mature can handle things better different and will still have without taking anything from the spirit and presence of today i look forward to tomorrow and children one day there won t be another tomorrow the last one will have come and i plan on being with you on that day as well thank you for being with me mdh genetics april 15 2009 in 1 8 comments i spent last month in conversations and meetings with the genetics program at macmaster hospital i was sent there from my supportive family doctor we met to discuss the type of cancer that marisa had and what that means long and short term for our daughters as breast cancer can be genetic my mom came with me it was good to have her even though the irony of that is thick my mom coming to a meeting about my girls who don t have a mom when i got a letter back from the genetics program it was a glorious warm day after school we were all playing in our backyard jacoba and zekijah were running in the field chasing each other i went in to check on supper i grabbed the letter from the geneticists i read it i looked up from my letter i saw jacoba s long blong hair bounce up and down as she chased zekijah while their face gave the sun a soft and purposeful place to land and i was reading the letter about her dead mom it was yet another reminder that what happened to marisa and us has no finite end and the truth is sometimes i yearn for that sometimes i wish i could have a day week moment off from this but alas that is not the case saturday april 11 2009 in 1 11 comments we went to the cemetery to bring the eggs that we painted the kids were excited to bring them to marisa s grave zekijah asked dozens of questions her questions not only prove that she doesn t understand what has and is happening to her but they also prove my our importance in her life she is approaching 3 years old and that math tells me that she is at the point where she will have lived longer without a mom than with a mom at three years old jacoba made hers with precision and purpose zion was proud of his after jacoba and zion brought theirs to the side of the grave zekijah refused to it didn t seem right to her it didn t seem right to me either then zion counselled her and said that if she left the egg there mommy would be happy zekijah then oblidged it is a pensive moment when you stand next to a believer s grave between good friday and easter it is a meaningful broken holy and thin place a blessed easter to you all and to marisa who is celebrating easter every day in full mdh agency wide april 8 2009 in 1 7 comments today was my first encounter at an agency wide event i saw many colleagues that i hadn t seen since marisa died i was publicly welcomed back to work and that announcement even set off an applause breathe mendelt they are all looking at you the fact is that i am used to people looking at me being a musician and performer i have been watched by thousands of people at a time but this time it was different they were looking at me as the new mendelt i could see their faces it was a different look i spoke to many afterwards most of them asked about the kids it is less emotional that way sometimes i answer the question in detail truth sometimes i don t spend the emotional energy to get into it the truth is the kids are getting older and thus their questions of marisa are deeper than they once were they miss marisa it is hard for me to watch the kids grow older zion is a great reader now marisa didn t know zion as a reader the day in and day out of single parenting is both exhausting and rewarding i experience some regret everyday when i drop off zekijah before i go to work but the real answer of how are the kids is i don t know i don t know that jacoba feels protected i don t know that zion feels happy i don t know that zekijah doesn t feel abandoned when she goes to 4 different houses in 5 days the kids seem like they are doing well but i don t really know yet zion and zekijah played rock paper scissors today and they both put out a rock and then zion quickly switched his to scissors so zekijah would win maybe that is a sign peace to you mendelt continuing april 5 2009 in 1 11 comments it has been a while since i have published a post here i thought i would give you an update on how we are doing we are doing okay the kids love their school jacoba tells me everyday something new about what she learned or hear from one of her classmates it is beautiful to hear her speak zion tells me everyday about either recess soccer or the special thing that i put in his lunch cool zekijah is used to being shipped to different places while i go to work she is still as sweet and saucy as ever i have recently joined a grief group run by two women who have had a significant loss in their lives there are 5 participants all of us have lost a spouse we have been getting together once per week and are going to do so for the next 5 weeks it has been good and it has been hard many days in the past few weeks the loss of marisa has hit me like the early days and that has been both good and hard this weekend my friends paul and del took the kids for a fun time with their three kids it was glorious for me i had a chance to privately and deeply grieve with the ability to sleep in take naps be with good friends and only have to make lunch for one that was really nice thanks paul and del most suppers we take turns telling or retelling a story about marisa the kids love that and so do i we shall continue to continue peace to you all mdh shine on dvd march 22 2009 in 1 3 comments at the top of the left column there is a link that will allow you to donate to receive a dvd this link will bring you to a secure site called paypal you are able to enter your donation without logging in the link to continue without logging in is near the bottom left of the page that will pop up you will be asked to fill in your address and that address will be the one that the dvd is sent to thank you and enjoy the dvd peace to you mdh professional wiper march 19 2009 in 1 12 comments i have finally realized what my life has become at this point i am a professional wiper i wipe wipe for a dirty diaper wipe for the 3rd spilled cup of milk of that supper wipe the counter wipe away a tear wipe the floor from zekijah who snuck into the the cracker cupboard wipe the counter again wipe a bum wipe the shampoo bubble out of the eyes wipe a runny nose wipe away another tear wipe away the sleep from the eye in the morning wipe out when the kids are chasing me for tag wipe sometimes it makes me wiped grief february 25 2009 in 1 11 comments shortly after marisa died i read and heard that though my grief was very raw then it would somehow lessen i didn t believe them then i couldn t then i have had a while to think about that notion i still don t believe it or at least how it was explained to me then i don t believe that it lessens i just believe that i am more experienced and know how and what to take from a pocket of grief yesterday i was leading a music therapy session and one of the individuals in the session asked for the song amazing grace i started playing the introduction to the song a different individual started weeping i counselled her and found out that amazing grace was one of her father s favourite songs and he is dead now she said i grieved for her i grieved for me i grieved for zion jacoba and zekijah but i didn t weep or cry i probably would have cried had that have happened a year ago but that doesn t mean that i wasn t deeply sad because i was i was deeply sad deeply deeply sad we sang the song with all our hearts it was a perfect example of music therapy but i was still sad it wasn t less sad than before just different sad because i have learned over the past couple years how to take what i need from that moment of grief i just don t know yet what to do with it everytime shine on dvd february 22 2009 in 1 5 comments the dvd s of the benefit concert for marisa are now available the dvd is of my extended family singing and playing in october 2008 to raise money for a scholarship in marisa s name the highlight of the dvd is zion 6 and jacoba 4 at the time signing the hiccup song in my humble opinion that song itself is worth the donation i am not going to suggest an amount of donation because i think you can choose that on your own this is how i would like to do this this week i will set up a place on this site where you can donate money and i will send you a dvd the proceeds will go to the juravinski cancer centre the place that marisa had her chemotherapy more about the juravinski cancer centre later peace mendelt a full hand february 13 2009 in 1 7 comments when jacoba was asked how old she is she said a full hand a full hand or a hand full either one we had a relatively great day i managed to pop into jacoba s class with my guitar and serenade the newest hand full i think she liked it she was proud of me i am clear that one day that may be altered but for now she adores me it feels good today is jacoba s 5th birthday tomorrow is valentine s day monday is our provinces holiday family day and we are planning and executing parties make no mistake about it it is great jacoba thanked me for coming and singing in her class and it is terrible we were seated at the restaurant tonight beside a young couple with children the same genders and ages and zjz we are living testimony that not only can joy and pain co exist it is neccesary for growth that they do mdh one more day february 12 2009 in 1 8 comments zekijah s 2 year old party today is jacoba s last day to be 4 ever this will be her second birthday without marisa that is 40 of her birthdays sadly that percentage will only increase so we will make party celebrations there will be cake there will be friends there will be hot dogs jacoba s choice there will be presents there will be hugs and kisses there will be cake with cream jacoba s choice there will be friends there will be siblings jacoba s choice phew there will be games and there will be moms not my favourite mom but moms nonetheless and there will be a dad who will be proud of his new 5 year old and that dad will think of jacoba s bellybutton the living connection to marisa heaven february 11 2009 in 1 11 comments when people talk to me about marisa many of them speak of heaven i have consciously not said much about my views on heaven for various reasons but i listen curiously about what others have to say about it i had thought i had heard all the versions out there until today i work for an organization bethesda that supports adults with special needs today i encountered an old friend who has lived at bethesda for a long time we have known each other for more than 1 5 decades he came up to me today he said mendelt is your wife dead i said yes marisa is dead he asked if she was in heaven i said yes i believe she is in heaven he said you know who else is in heaven with your wife i thought here comes a sad moment for me here comes a story of a loved one maybe his mom or dad aunt uncle or maybe even a brother or sister here comes one of those holy moments where two bereaved people look to each other for a piece of healing i braced myself looked him in the eye and was ready to console him i said tell me who is in heaven with marisa he looked at me smiled and said elvis and in this van february 7 2009 in 1 4 comments my oldest sister frances a wonderful mother of 5 had an old beat up van that had a beautiful sticker on the back the sticker was a picture of the earth with beautiful writing peace on earth frances told me that every time she drove that van she would say peace on earth and then she would add and in this van peace on earth and in this van i love it today for the first time jacoba put on her own seatbelt we are getting closer to peace mdh doesn t make sense february 3 2009 in 1 10 comments for sad reasons i had to explain to the children this week that a married couple close to them and loved by them have decided to separate we spoke during supper i explained to the kids that sometimes when people get married they don t get along so they don t stay together zion said that doesn t make sense i tried another angle i said that sometimes when people are together and they fight then they go away from eachother and need to live in different houses heit zion said that doesn t make sense i thought to myself try another example so that he will understand i explained another angle sometimes when a mom and a dad can t get along and can t live together without fighting and arguing they decide that it is better for them to separate and not see each other anymore zion was getting annoyed he clearly explained to me that whatever my explaination of separation was it wouldn t make sense to him so he repeated it doesn t make sense i was quiet for a moment he looked at me i thought to myself no wonder he thinks this doesn t make sense he thinks that when people are living married and they haven t died from cancer then of course they should stay together that makes sense to him i knew i wasn t going to convince him to understand that it makes sense because to me it doesn t make sense either but he was looking at me he was waiting for an answer i said you are right zion it doesn t make sense he went to reach for his milk just before he took a sip he looked over his cup at me and said i told you that already back to life january 28 2009 in 1 13 comments back to reality i ve been back to work for two weeks now it s quite a scene the mornings at work usually consist of me limping into work with one shoe untied a soother still in my pocket a hair tie still around my wrist and hoping that my hair doesn t look noticeably disheveled and the kids on my mind it is going relatively well i sat down with the kids before i went back and told them what was happening i explained that things will be a bit more busy now so we will just have to have more patience with each other i stated that if i forget to put something in your knapsack for school then you will forgive me...