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le crossing our fingers their dice lands on the right side why then would we cheer horses on so that people can win money off them while they re getting trashed i m sure these comments are not winning me any friends at the moment the derby also brings another dilemma the strain these horses are put under yes horses like to run but horses were not created to be put under such physical strain all so someone can hopefully win some money off them and before someone brings up working horses there is a big difference between a working horse and horse trained to raise the gambling odds on saturday as one horse won the derby another was euthanized i was so angry about the situation that i cried wes watched a recap of the race to specifically watch eight belles the horse that broke both her front ankles to see if there was anything he could spot he said you could tell she was running funny but it was also clearly evident the jockey was really pushing her it made him angry i could tell as he he said she came in second place and then died i hope that was worth it to them them referring to her jockey trainer and owners what kind of selfish desires do people have that they are willing to have a horse die so they can win some money were they sad i m sure does the sadness justify what happened hardly and this is not the first horse to be euthanized due to injuries sustained on the track i m sure many have heard the story of barbaro the 2006 derby winner who fractured 3 bones two weeks later during the preakness stakes after several surgeries and many complications he was euthanized in january 2007 gambling drunkenness unnatural physical strain resulting in death and society celebrates this a friend from church sarah and i discussed this last night and talked about how the derby really shows the depravity of mankind maybe it s the large derby hats that are blocking our views of the reality behind this race in any case you won t be hearing me returning the greeting the next time someone wishes me a happy derby day photo of eight belles moments before she was euthanized posted by mary at 11 43 am 2 comments labels depravity friday april 25 2008 a journey ending in the summer of 2001 we moved to louisville so that wes could attend the southern baptist theological seminary it s been many years of being challenged spiritually to grow and learn at the same time it felt like a never ending journey one that seemed to go on year after year and while we loved the seminary and wes so enjoyed sitting under the teachings of such godly men we were feeling restless part of it was me ready to get back to school myself and part of it was wes ready to be done with school period southern is known for academically challenging work and the masters of divinity program which wes is in is roughly 90 hours compared to a roughly 30 hour program a typical school offers for a master s it s not uncommon to hear laughter when a first year student comes in wearing rose colored glasses saying that he plans to finish school in 3 years all in good fun of course but there s also a sense of yeah that s what we said too it had been a while since i had attended the seminary s chapel service i had regularly attended when we still lived on campus but since we ve lived off campus it s made it difficult to get over there wes works on tuesdays and thursdays chapel days and i wasn t going to walk during the winter and i needed to save my bus money for getting to work but today was perfect i had the day off the weather was warm and beautiful so i got up got ready and walked to chapel i spotted some friends from church who are also seminary students and sat with them there was such an awesome feeling of familiarity as we sang and worshiped our lord how i love going to the chapel service so while we were singing i thought to myself i need to check my work schedule next week and try to come on over again then dr mohler the seminary president announced it was the last service of the semester i was stunned i mean i wasn t stunned that it was the last service of the semester it s april 24th but what stunned me was the date itself it s april 24th wes graduates in 3 weeks how the heck did time go by so quickly after years of wondering whether we d ever see a light at the end of the tunnel we are now just about out of the tunnel and i m sitting here thinking wait don t get me wrong i m really excited about our upcoming move but for the last 7 years the seminary has been our home how odd to think that we ll rarely see it any more after wes graduates it blessed me to sit through chapel service and to be a part of it again it saddened me to know it was the last one i d be at and saddened me even more that wes couldn t be there with me after chapel i walked to the cafeteria to grab some lunch wes and i used to eat there often when we still lived on campus and some of my favorite moments were when i had class and would head over for an occasional early morning breakfast after lunch i walk to the seminary lawn and sat with my shoes off enjoying the day and the sights soon after i got up and walked back home i am not who i was 7 years ago when we began this journey i barely recognize that person and for that matter wes isn t the same person either being at the seminary has helped us grow as individuals as a couple and as followers of christ and while i spent a good amount of time telling wes how nice and warm florida is compared to louisville throughout our 7 years i really wouldn t have traded our time here we love this seminary like a parent raises their child to one day say go it s now time to be an adult so the seminary is now telling us go it s time to carry on your ministry and funny how like i child i am after so many years of saying i can t wait to go that i m now clinging on and crying but i m not ready we re just kids but we re not kids are we of course not people always talk about the real world and how hard it is sometimes it feels like that plus a hundred fold when it comes to the ministry s real world fellow ministers and their families surely understand so on one hand i feel wide eyed and hopeful for the future on the other hand i m like a scared kid asking what now it s a weird feeling but it s time it s time to go in the confidence that god has laid out the path for us seven years i feel so blessed that god chose us to be a part of this incredible journey alumni chapel sbts posted by mary at 12 59 am 4 comments labels god s calling preparation sbts time wes saturday march 29 2008 in confidence last night i had a dream that has really stuck with me i had been brought into a room by an old friend of mine who told me he wanted to sit me down and talk to me about something i probably didn t want to hear great i thought while trying to look for the quickest escape but i sat anyway and waited finally he came in sat down and went into this speech about guys and gals who like each other but never ask each other out or maybe they finally are together but the guy is too scared to ask her to marry him after letting it sit there for a minute i finally asked what does this have to do with me i asked wes out for our first date and wes proposed to me and we ve been married nearly 8 years mary why do you think these people didn t have the courage to ask each other out or propose he asked in reply i sat there for a minute thinking what was he trying to convey to me then i realized what it was they lacked self confidence my friend nodded and took my hand as though he knew i would need comfort at that moment i turned my head away and slightly shook it he was right at one point in my life i was very confident confident enough to ask out a guy i was head over heels crazy in love with knowing a rejection might follow wes was confident enough to propose to me knowing a no could be an answer i sat there thinking about the ups and downs with confidence i ve had over the years and i wanted to cry but the tears wouldn t come instead i felt angry at myself my friend patted my hand and told me how i was going to get this make over i was going to get the haircut i ve had a few times but have lately not had the confidence to get it though i ve really been wanting it again i was getting this crazy printed dress and a pair of really funky shoes things i would have loved but never would have purchased for myself because people who see me like to see me in safe things i absolutely loved the shoes in particular and commented how great they would look with a pair of jeans and my super cool retro rainbow brite tshirt oh yeah i love that shirt of mine my friend said that would be awesome but right now i m wearing it with a new shirt so i chose this teal colored short sleeve satin shirt that had various designs on it that i can t quite remember my hair was done i had my shirt my jeans super cool shoes and big earrings and a chunky bracelet on i looked at myself in the mirror and thought so this is where i ve been hiding i loved how i looked shortly after i woke up the dream has been on my mind all morning i thought about things i have passed up because i wasn t confident enough to do them when i was getting new glasses last summer i spent forever looking at the same three frames i really wanted these green frames but i kept thinking about how ridiculous people would think i looked so i sat them back down then it was down to a pair of maroon ish frames or a pair a light brown pair wes i really liked the maroon ish one but i eventually settled on the light brown pair justifying it by said that it will go with more things i like my frame but i wasn t confident enough to get either of the other two pairs that i liked even more but thing is it s not just my clothes or my glasses it s so many things in life i ve been invited to join the praise band at church a few times and each time i m invited i sit in the pew watching them as they practice never once going up to join them our music minister asked one time after practice if i was waiting for any particular reason i knew what he was hinting at and was asking in a delicate way why didn t i join them i told him i just felt awkward and didn t know if he was just asking me to join just to be polite he told me that he wouldn t have asked if he didn t think i was good enough that if he knew someone who wanted to join but didn t really have the skill or still needed lots of practice he wouldn t ask so i felt better but i still doubt myself when it comes to joining them i sit there in my pew on sunday mornings thinking i m glad i didn t join this week because that song reaches too high for me and i can t figure out where to pick up the harmony i justify my lack of self confidence why do i do this i do things because they are safe not because i necessarily enjoy them that s not to say i always dress in this funky manner there are some safe clothes i really like but there s also this part of me that likes what some would consider weird stuff heck one of my favorite shirts is my nightmare before christmas shirt that i wear along with these big jack skellington hoop earrings for the record i have never received so many compliments on any clothing item i own more than i have my nightmare shirt i feel that if i dress a certain way or do things in a particular manner more people will accept me and i ll have all these friends blah blah blah it s a need for validation but why can t i validate myself why can t i be content in what i like and can do why have i lost the self confidence to accept myself it s ridiculous i should be praising god for how he made me rather than try to conform myself to how others think i should be i m telling you all this in confidence not in the sense it s some secret but in the sense that i finally realize that there are changes in my life i need to make it s time to start growing in the confidence god wants me to have posted by mary at 9 48 am 5 comments labels confidence doubt tuesday march 25 2008 the definition of a family then the lord god said it is not good for man to be alone i will make him a helper suitable for him so the lord god caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man and he slept then he took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place and the lord god fashioned into a woman the rib which he had taken from the man and brought her to the man and the man said this is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh she shall be called woman because she was taken out of man for this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife and they shall become one flesh genesis 2 18 21 24 for the last several years i have contemplated what family meant stop and think for a moment about the word family what immediately comes to mind many people go directly to the poster image of a mother and father with their daughter and son some families may include a single child or more than two some may be all girls or all boys or a mix whatever the case may be you ll rarely if ever hear someone say a husband and wife i think about how often wes and i feel excluded from various family activities family days at whatever location family photos in which only parents with their children get that special picture while we look on and think maybe if i hold the camera with this hand and in this position we ll be able to get a picture of ourselves together and the list goes on dictionary com has the first definition of family listed as parents with their children merriam webster first defines a family as a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head i like m w s definition a lot more not only because it doesn t define it as having children but also defines it as being under one head talk about a biblical approach in spite of it being a dictionary i ve been thinking about the above passage in genesis and how the real first family came to be god realized that it was not good for adam to be alone that he needed someone so does god put adam to sleep and poof there s his wife and kids no he creates a wife for him and that s it adam is now complete adam didn t need kids for god to know that the situation was now perfect and the passage doesn t go on to say but eve felt incomplete and desired children in order to become a family again no they already were a family notice that kids didn t enter the picture until sin did ok please don t twist my words there i am not saying that kids are a result of sin and anyone who has children are sinning what a laugh that is but what i am trying to point out is that so many people miss the fact that adam and eve were already complete before kids entered the picture it s not like god saw them as any less of a family and thought them incomplete if that were the case i doubt eve would have been the only one created when he put adam to sleep wes and i may never have children it s a reality we have to face but we are no less a family so when you re organizing a family event for something p...