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Text of the page (random words):
ted for my induction every time i got out of bed i d hold my hospital gown closed in the back so the nurses wouldn t see my butt ha isn t that adorable less than 24 hours later it was lady part central up in that delivery room and i couldn t have cared less if the pope himself had walked in you see in the movies and on tv women are always covered up when they re giving birth and the baby daddy is beside her holding her hand completely and blissfully unexposed to what s going down beneath the sheet in my very limited experience this common depiction of childbirth is a load of crap we had planned for jonathan to stay far far away from that area during the actual pushing part he was to remain above my shoulders at all times it was going to go something like this i grit my teeth and push while squeezing jonathan s hand and cursing him for doing this to me cue laugh track baby comes out proud daddy cuts cord end scene my doctor and nurse had an entirely different plan you re going to hold her leg up like this they instructed him i m sorry what s that now who s holding what and my leg is going where 53 minutes later jonathan may or may not have been scarred for life the jury is still out 2 you are not heidi klum duh why am i dragging heidi into this many of you might remember that heidi famously strutted down the catwalk just five weeks after giving birth to her fourth child at age 36 this is not normal now i wasn t planning on walking the runway in front of a national audience however i was positive that by the time my maternity leave was over i would be back into my pre pregnancy clothes sadly i was mistaken it didn t help that i was so ravenous from breastfeeding that i routinely stuffed my face with graham crackers and once ate an entire sleeve full of oreo cookies in under five minutes true story it took me a good eight months to squeeze back into my old jeans and if we re being totally honest there are still a couple of pairs i don t dare to wear oh super duper skinny seven jeans i will conquer you someday soon this isn t the case for everyone my dear friend who shall remain nameless to avoid incurring the wrath of women across the land was back down to pre pregnancy weight by her six week follow up visit i m officially down to my pre prego weight but things just don t fit the same well they fit but it ain t pretty 3 mommy brain is a real thing i used to roll my eyes at this notion of mommy brain i thought it was a myth an excuse created by the mommy club to forgive forgetfulness habitual tardiness and general brain farts but people let me tell you that ish is real truth be told i suffered from an undiagnosed variation of mommy brain before i even had kids i ve always had a tendency to misplace things jonathan has found my cell phone in the fridge more than once and i m always late to be fair i am puerto rican but ever since c j screamed his way into the world my random acts of idiocracy have reached new levels of wtf i ve shared several memorable momnesia moments with you before see pajama thursday and this morning is bananas but lucky for you i suffer from daily episodes so here are a few fresh ones just this past monday morning i came thisclose to getting on the 5 mile long bridge to work before i realized c j was still in the backseat i had completely forgotten about the whole dropping my baby off at daycare thing oops last week i was minding my own business checking email at the kitchen counter when i noticed the room was suddenly filling with smoke turns out i d left oil heating on the stove for just a tad too long also in addition to mismatched socks mismatched earrings are inadvertently kind of my thing now 4 time will seem to fly even faster and before you know it your baby will be two months away from turning 1 refer to things i wish i knew when i was pregnant part 1 item 5 spread the love share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email like loading this entry was posted in adventures in parenting life before baby uncategorized working mom and tagged family humor life motherhood new baby new mom pregnancy on may 1 2014 by eholmes1004 things i wish i knew when i was pregnant part 1 4 replies labor and delivery is the easy part before and during my pregnancy this was the thing i feared most and hey if you ve never had a human being come barreling out of your lady parts before it s perfectly natural to be horrified at the thought i must have read three books on the subject on top of the email newsletters i subscribed to and the classes we took i m glad i educated myself but ultimately i was induced and ended up having very little control over anything and you know what it was fine don t get me wrong it was no picnic contractions hurt pushing is exhausting your significant other will see your body do things they can t unsee but in comparison to the weeks that follow see 2 my 10 hour labor and delivery experience was relatively easy breastfeeding doesn t always come naturally and if we re being totally honest it kind of sucks yeah i said it for starters it hurts like hell in the beginning and some babies i m lookin at you c j have a difficult time latching at first oh but w hat about the bonding you ask isn t it amazing pshhh bonding what part of it was supposed to be bonding exactly the crying the bleeding or the cursing from the sound of his shrieking you would think i was trying to torture him not feed him for the first eight weeks a k a the longest two months of my life the only things i felt toward nursing were extreme stress and anxiety i actually used to google i hate breastfeeding and my baby hates breastfeeding just to see if i was the only one guess what i wasn t i m not exaggerating when i say that to begin with i dreaded every feeding which by the way was every two hours which leads me to my next point babies eat every two hours ok fine technically i knew this to be true but the reality of this seemingly simple harmless fact doesn t really hit you until you re doing it every two hours around the clock day and night your whole life lived in two to three hour increments between breastfeeding one session ends and before you know it another begins this ball and chain phase doesn t last forever but when you re in it you wonder if it will ever end no one told me how hard it was going to be no one told me that as long you breastfeed your life will revolve around it note i don t think everyone has the same challenges c j and i had when it comes to nursing and i m happy to report that we eventually found our way sort of with nursing i could write a book about breastfeeding which ultimately ended up being one of the hardest most soul sucking yet rewarding nine months of my life after you deliver you still can t really drink that glass of wine you ve been waiting nine months for yeah about that if you re nursing you won t be able to really enjoy a full glass of wine for weeks you will be a ticking tear filled time bomb i don t cry correction i never used to cry before i gave birth i could count on one hand the number of times jonathan had seen me cry excluding tvs and movies now there s no telling what might set me off one day while getting ready for a work party jonathan asked me if i was going to straighten my hair if it were physically possible for daggers to shoot from my eyes i swear they would have you hate my hair curly i exclaimed dramatically my eyes filling with tears i sometimes want to shake myself when these episodes take over and tell myself to get a freaking grip but then i think about what i and my various body parts have been through please refer back to items 1 2 and 3 and i feel pretty entitled to a good cry stay tuned for part 2 spread the love share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email like loading this entry was posted in feeding uncategorized and tagged breastfeeding feeding baby new baby new mom nursing pregnancy on april 23 2014 by eholmes1004 this morning is bananas 1 reply an excellent start to the week accidentally putting sliced bananas in my coffee instead of my oatmeal i blame the 4 45 a m wake up call from a certain miniature human spread the love share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email like loading this entry was posted in uncategorized and tagged life losing your mind new mom newborn parenting sleep deprivation on march 31 2014 by eholmes1004 the forgotten children 2 replies the crying little bundle in my arms was making artie anxious it s ok buddy i said as he frantically whimpered and jumped up to see what it was down i scolded gently but firmly he followed me throughout the house stopping when i stopped and rearing up on his little hind legs to try and catch a glimpse clyde though nearly deaf was curious as to what i was holding and stayed close behind try sitting on the couch jonathan said i settled into the sofa and immediately both dogs put their paws up on it begging to be let up and sneak a peek at this mysterious little thing i was carrying around and handling with such care be sweet we said this is your baby brother we informed them artie was the one we were worried about we were certain that clyde would for the most part ignore c j but artie there was no telling how his curiosity and jealousy would manifest themselves ok i said tired i think that s good for today i turned off the crying baby app unwrapped the bundle and removed the stuffed lion from inside the blue blanket setting it down on the coffee table don t let them see that it s a stuffed animal jonathan scolded grabbing the lion and hiding it they don t know the difference i said 30 something weeks pregnant and exhausted of course they do he said they ve seen a stuffed animal before he said pointing at their stuffed squeaking duck on the living room floor oh right guess he had a point if you re wondering what the meaning of this absurdity is let me enlighten you this was our carefully concocted strategy for getting our beloved furry children used to a the sound and presence of a crying baby and b the loss of our undivided attention we were determined to make this an easy painless transition for them you see i used to be obsessed with my dogs like really obsessed with them i never even wanted an engagement ring instead i wanted jonathan to propose to me by offering me a puppy i ended up getting both yep he pretty much wins the best husband ever award when we left them behind for vacations i d request photo updates from the sitter several times a day and leave behind typed detailed notes with emergency phone numbers and instructions to fill their water bowl with filtered water and ice cubes i was head over heels for artie every night we cuddled on the couch and stared deeply into each other s eyes true story it creeped jonathan out at dinner friends would go on about their kids he gets so upset when i m on the phone not paying attention to him they might say he just starts acting out i d nod oh my god i know i would tell them totally identifying artie does the same thing on the way home jonathan would tell me that i should probably stop comparing our dogs to other people s kids whatever they are our kids i d say we even had little steps leading up to our bed people warned us things would change when the baby came no way we thought how could it no one loved their dogs more than we did enter c j dog barks i swear to god if that dog barks one more time i m going to look into getting his voice box removed yeah i d say things have changed alright it sort of happens without you even realizing it this tiny human demands your body and your attention 24 7 and you don t even realize there s a sweet little yorkie begging for your attention or a sleepy little peekapoo who s too old and grumpy to ask but would love a pat on the head when i was on maternity leave there were days i forgot the dogs even existed unless they barked in which case i became infuriated there just didn t seem to be enough energy or love inside me for all of them thank god jonathan still loved them and fed them and took them outside now that c j is 9 months old we ve come out of the fog a bit and i make more of an effort to show both dogs a little love each night but every now and then there are moments when we can t believe how things have changed just the other night jonathan awoke to clyde whimpering laying beside his food bowl oh my god jonathan said we are the worst dog owners ever turned out we hadn t filled their food bowls in about 24 hours i thought he might cry from the guilt clyde was his baby long before i even came along things are slowly working toward back to normal artie and clyde are getting used to c j we think they may even be starting to love him either that or they re tasting him to see if he would make a good meal we hope that soon when c j is running around playing with them his unconditional love and energy will make up for the changes they ve experienced this past year that they ll grow to see him as part of our family rather than a disruption to it related content welcoming furry friends to your home spread the love share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email like loading this entry was posted in life before baby uncategorized and tagged family home new mom parenting pets pets and babies pets and kids on march 28 2014 by eholmes1004 woohoo check us out on mamapedia leave a reply we re so excited to be featured on http www mamapedia com please check us out spread the love share on x opens in new window x share on pinterest opens in new window pinterest share on linkedin opens in new window linkedin share on facebook opens in new window facebook email a link to a friend opens in new window email like loading this entry was posted in uncategorized on march 28 2014 by eholmes1004 pajama thursday 1 reply every friday our daycare sends home a peppy little newsletter informing us of next week s theme and activities for example march 2 was dr seuss birthday so read across america with dr seuss kicked off that monday and wednesday cat in the hat paid the classroom a special visit according to c j s daily infant report he really enjoyed cat s visit i only wish i could have been there to see it i keep this newsletter on our fridge sometimes i read it sometimes i don t one evening while perusing the fridge for a...