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layers once at fca camp there was a challenge to eat gross things i drew a raw white onion i began taking big bites out of it like it was a red delicious apple ugh i can still remember the whole thing so gross that whole day and night i had horrible heartburn literally felt like fire in my chest i didn t finish the onion too many layers it isn t made to be eaten whole i ve compared foster care to onions in a fb post layers upon layers of eye watering stuff the deeper into the onion you go the more your eyes water the outer layer is the cute cuddly easy stuff i ve promised to discuss these raw inner layers of foster care even when they make your eyes water and mine attachment my previous post was about little girl and her lack of attachment to really anyone good news she has attached to me bad news she has attached to me during our bio visit today which is a whole layer on its own little girl began to cry i let it happen for a few minutes she began to get very upset so i offered to help as soon as she was in my arms she got quiet i saw mom s eyes get watery she is tasting the raw onion i gave her back to her mom little girl lost her mind again gagging screaming and clawing to get out of the arms of her mom there is this invisible line of wanting to let them figure it out and little girl not being able to calm down that line i ve yet to worry about until today i asked if they wanted me to take her and mom said well it s you she wants anyways the change in little girl was night and day she immediately stopped crying took her bottle and fell right to sleep mom cried this attachment just happened about a week ago the good news is she has attached to someone and now she knows she can yeah but when we get her back we will just destroy that attachment mom says bawling this is true mom is still crying i got lg to sleep and handed her off to her mom mom just held her daughter who has no idea who she is and cried that bond we had is gone i can not imagine the pain you feel i can t i held it together and cried at the kid s swim lessons i am heartbroken grateful happy all at the same time all the layers so raw so painful i watched a mom feel and see that bond shatter before her eyes in that very moment she realized the child she loves has not a clue who she is she is a stranger to her daughter i don t know what future visits hold lg might be just fine but today showed that things are not fine today was a big ole bite of a raw onion posted by megan k at 1 50 pm no comments tuesday may 30 2017 koala effect we ve had little girl for almost two months when we first got her i noticed she held her arms straight out when being held she wouldn t grab my shirt or hold me back gosh she just lets anyone hold her ive heard that said a quite a few times i just thought i know she is so sweet after a knox family event a few nights ago we got home past her bedtime we followed her regular routine but around 10 00p i could tell her legs were restless i put her in the exersaucer and she just jumped and jumped and jumped i laughed because she goes into her own little world when she is in jumping mode it is her release she loves to jump after a long day a visit with bios or if we have been around a lot of people as i m watching her jump it dawned on me she has no one she trusts no one she has attached to this is why she doesn t hold back when being held i bet she feels all alone she doesn t cry or seem worried when we drop her off at church she doesn t seem concerned when friends hold her she doesn t hold back can you imagine being 9 months old and having no one you are sad to be without no fear of new faces no tears when left in a nursery alone attached to know one as i m watching her jump my heart broke for hers my heart cried to jesus to always show himself to her that she will never feel alone that she can cling to him and never let go that she will know he will never leave her that he has been there since before she was conceived that he loves her that his heart is broken for her truth is i hold her but i m scared too i m scared of her holding me back i m scared of her crying when i leave her in the nursery i m scared of going all in and her leaving but i am called to do just that matt and i are called to hold her i don t know what the future looks like or how long she will be with us i do my best thinking in the shower and tonight as i was pondering in my spirit this holding back thing i felt him tell me megan you have to be all in so here is me going all in knowing my heart will be ripped to shreds but he told me and i will obey because she needs to know that she isn t alone and there are people worth holding onto posted by megan k at 11 00 pm no comments sunday march 5 2017 sad heart my heart has been sad i ve been asked about foster care a few times lately it has been one year since we had our first placement i miss him a lot his birthday is coming up that makes me sad the kids listened to radioactive on repeat a few days ago and it made me sad it was his favorite song i found myself praying this morning that he would come back then i felt terrible for praying that my heart was genuine in that i worry about him i want him to grow up and know how to read and feel special because he is i want him to break the cycle odds are stacked against him though so yeah my family misses him i have no doubt that if he walked in our door tonight that my kids would be all over him his room is painted in a color we let him pick out saying goodbye is hard and worth it i guess it is the not knowing if they are safe that hurts the heart so much anyways we are still working on paperwork i m slow we are trying to figure out which age group to take such a hard decision it might be perfectly clear and i m plugging my ears saying lalalalala i can t hear you haha we live in a fallen world friends a world full of evil pain and sadness but take heart i have overcome the world jesus posted by megan k at 7 08 pm no comments thursday december 22 2016 paperwork wins the kids are out of school i kicked them outside since it is relatively warm and i am not here to entertain them or take them all over tulsa because they are bored i want to be bored i say that but after i kicked them outside i grabbed the novel of paper work needed to fill out for foster care stuff i learned a month ago that the paper work we filled out a year ago has to be filled out again after a year a year doctors don t have to take their big test every year they just stay current and up to date with their education and i m guessing certain certifications and they put their hands inside bodies here i am filling out background checks which i thought were good for 3 years signing agreements signing rules notifications and verifications profiles filling out general info i ll need to schedule doctor visits for all 6 of us never mind the fact that some aren t due for a well check and i don t want to be told scoot down to the edge of the table in 2017 i have to give my income statements which doesn t show how much of a strain fostering actually is on your bank account do i sound perturbed i am here is my personality when i think something is dumb or a complete waste of time i general go into refusal mode i stand my ground and refuse to conform to the stupidity of whatever the stupid thing is that stupid people are asking of me some things make sense insurance vaccs pet vaccs stuff like that i get i can even conform to the background check every year but this this is ludicrous i have a hard time believing that those foster families that get arrested for abuse did alllll this paperwork every single year doubtful so here i am looking at what seems like 1 million pieces of paper and i m gonna fill out every last damn one of them but mind you i will be really pissed off the whole time at whoever thought this was needed to be done every damn year i can see how people get to the i ve had enough phase of fostering and call it good it would be easier for me to toss a deuce and be over it believe me i tried matt said we should fill all this out i might have huffed and internally pouted at his answer i was expecting him to give me the out so i could use all this paper for kindling ohh and it would be good kindling but i d also be burning the hope of humans little humans what does our future hold for fostering i have absolutely no idea what age will we be open for i have absolutely no idea the kids have asked if we will foster again they are ready i m not i m scared i m comfortable i m happy the last kid was more than we could deal with and when he left he left us in ruins he came in and set the whole place on fire and laughed as he left matt and i had to reconnect matt and i had to reconnect with the kids we had to reconnect with jesus but it is the first kid bh that we had with us that has me filling out a stupid amount of paperwork he was worth it posted by megan k at 12 57 pm no comments sunday november 27 2016 post thanksgiving 2016 did you have a good thanksgiving i know this question is the holiday version of how are you or nice weather we are having in the past i gave the typical it was good while raising my eyebrows and voice for umph and to come across sincere i can remember a few thanksgivings in my past one last year wasn t so awesome the one soon after my parents split was horrible and i opted to be the gal to show up to work a f all day and night just to avoid the awkwardness there was the one when my grandmother said something rude to me about my mother this was post divorce it hurt so bad and the turkey tasted different from then on it is amazing how dark events can almost completely overshadow good i thought this thanksgiving would be spent in mourning grieving i thought it would be a dark sad day so when people ask did you have a good thanksgiving i want to scream hell yeah i did it was one of the best ever it was a thanksgiving that felt new it felt like a gift it was a gift as matt and i were getting ready to leave the house for his parent s i said you realize your dad shouldn t be here today yep i will treasure these two days in november for the rest of my life pretty sure each person in that house above the age of 18 will treasure this thanksgiving for the rest of their life what will christmas look like i have no idea i do know don t take for granted those gathered around the table reality is no one in my family thought my fil would be here the humbling truth is that any one of us could be the empty plate for the next family gathering by the way i hugged 5 people over this holiday well 6 if you count a friend that hug greeted me at church this morning i m sure there were some rogue hugs in there somewhere posted by megan k at 4 03 pm no comments wednesday november 23 2016 thanksgiving 2016 people often ask if i am ready for thanksgiving or if we have plans four years ago this was the knox crew we now have 1 more grandkid 1 in college nearly all 15 in school job changes lots of tooth fairy visits aaaaand cancer a lot can change in four seemingly simple years this year when you expected an empty plate at the table and now that plate will hold food you are ready for thanksgiving and your plans are simple who am i kidding our plans are simple every year but this year will be a lot of attempting to imprint memories on our hearts when my kids were little i would go in their rooms and watch them sleep i would sit there and stare in an effort save those moments in my heart my soul it is so hard and even as i type this i can t truly feel that feeling i felt in those late hours staring at my kids it is like a breath taking sunset your heart sings in the moment but once the sun sets you can t remember exactly what the sunset looked like only that it was amazing your heart was incredibly happy and at peace the knox crew will gather on friday hold hands and i will overcome my dislike for holding clammy kid hands for this moment to pray and sing praise god from whom all blessings flow praise him all creatures here below praise him above ye heavenly host praise father son and holy ghost amen i will eat lots of food i will listen to the men and kids play moon i will watch my family like a sunset and pray it imprints on my heart forever posted by megan k at 5 52 pm no comments labels cancer cancer sucks family thanksgiving sunday november 13 2016 orphan sunday today was orphan sunday at church this means we have been with jenks first baptist for one year sitting there listening to the pastor and thinking how this time last year we were working through our foster care classes as the year ends we will have had two kiddos in our house since we joined jenks fbc one thing struck me though that needs to be pointed out in a weekend geared mainly to adoption not all kids need adopting but all kids need love support safety adoption isn t something we have felt called to do maybe one day but i haven t been told to do that yet we may never be called to adopt a child but i know for sure our hearts are called to reunify families just because a child is in foster care doesn t mean he she needs saving it means he she just needs help while their people get help or work a program sure some in foster care do indeed need a forever home i don t know i just don t want people to think all kids in care need to take your last name standing at the table in the lobby with my friends that have adopted there were 3 of them and between them they have adopted 9 kids maybe you don t feel that tug to adopt but you feel that urge to give kids a safe place and a warm bed and food for a period of time that is needed too i was sitting in church wanting to yell to everyone that there is another way to help kids in crisis it takes those called to adopt and those called to reunify it takes those praying and those that can run errands it takes the church the church once had a roll in taking care of orphans we need to return to that this started as a fb post so forgive the lack of structure posted by megan k at 7 15 pm no comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom labels adoption easter foster foster care god jesus oklahoma foster care plexus tfi agency tulsa zoo big cedar lodge books christian music christmas music cleveland coffee coffee mate compassion diapers does plexus work dogs don t pet the squirrel exercise failed attempts at baking foster care oklahoma fostering health holy yoga lifechurch tv losing weight ms multiple sclerosis music palin poop pregnancy supplements walk ms event wellness working out yoga blog archive 2017 3 june 1 onion layers may 1 march 1 2016 28 december 1 november 4 october 3 september 4 august 3 july 1 june 1 may 1 april 2 march 6 february 2 2015 4 february 2 january 2 2013 5 august 1 june 1 february 1 january 2 2012 29 december 1 october 3 september 1 august 3 july 2 june 4 may 4 april 4 march 3 february 1 january 3 2011 83 december 8 november 6 october 2 september 6 august 7 july 7 june 6 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