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Text of the page (random words):
ing day 6 blasts survived the thaw though they were still differentiating at the time of transfer and not actually hatching yet wore lots of comfy socks to keep my feet warm and resigned myself to a month of avoiding cold foods beverages to avoid drawing energy away from the womb thanks traditional chinese medicine for stealing my ice cream coping mechanism i had an awful afternoon that day though some sort of brief food poisoning or something and puked three times yay me the rest of the weekend i laid low and relaxed turning gloomier by the day as i hadn t felt any of the telltale cramping i did the last two times i got pregnant i poased on monday and sadly nothing was there i was 4dpt and had positives both with the mini and with the notbabies at that point poop i was a hormonal wreck and ended up sobbing in front of the new serger sewing machine that i couldn t get to work properly so that was fun i felt completely out of control of my emotions i peed again on tuesday and it was positive the squintiest of squinters but positive same issue as last time though it showed on a frer but not the cheapie look at what my pee did my heart dropped a little the next day when the line didn t get much darker by thursday it had darkened a bit but i just didn t have a good feeling apparently with good reason my beta was 29 i had my second beta today and it s 61 so here s where we are same shit different day i don t really know what to feel honestly whether i m 14dpo today or 15dpo the number is still quite low when looking at betabase and beta values typically shoot up more than just double at the beginning the mini s went from 80 to 202 at that dpo the notbabies went from 41 to 58 better trend this time but not really better numbers i don t really know what to think i don t want to be the ungrateful asshole that is complaining about her doubling betas but the past is haunting me here i really just can t believe that we re here again this is just crazy again what the flying fark i can t work up anything in the way of excitement over this pregnancy just ambivalence and a hey pass the wine oh wait nevermind we ll see what we see with monday s beta i guess ultrasound tentatively monday the 19th at 6w2d like last time these embies were frozen on day 6 when they hit blast as such the clinic considers me a 6dt and the first beta at 7dp6dt 13dpo and second beta at 9dp6dt 15dpo however i call bunk on this one and only am giving them 5dt credit they took longer to hit blast so why give them an extra day of developmental credit nope plus it s slighty less bleak to think of my beta values at 12dpo and 14dpo instead posted by jm at 1 50 pm 5 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels big fat maybe fet fet 4 fuck you universe hope pee sticks pregnancy transfer ttc 2 tww why i m scared tuesday june 10 2014 officially over things could be better it s all officially over we had our second ultrasound at 6w4d a wednesday and there was very little growth of the sacs double blight ovums final answer sigh i had skipped pio estradiol valerate the night before because really i just wanted to kick my body into withdrawal as soon as possible brought the meds to the appt just in case something leaned towards hanging on longer but obviously didn t need that i m glad i did i started spotting friday and passed the tissue sunday while my parents brother and his significant other were all visiting fun right m c trigger warning any qualms i had before about calling this a miscarriage are completely gone i don t think i will ever forget the sensation of passing those clots there was just so much more than i ever imagined there to be i passed 4 or 5 large clots maybe the size of a mandarin orange if we can measure fetuses by their like sized fruit so can we with m c clots it was horrible and really out of nowhere i was sitting on the couch and had been having some lower back cramping all morning then bam gush ran up to the bathroom and plop on and on for about 3 or 4 hours it was horrible i passed smaller clots through the next day then just heavy period like flow with stringy clots for another 4 or 5 days literally i stopped bleeding for good mon or tues of last week after 9 days of bleeding ugh end graphic description so that s over i had three betas to follow it back down and make sure my body got rid of everything just 3 days after the loss may 28 my beta was already down to 264 that is crazy to me at 11 days past the loss my beta was down to a frustratingly close 8 final beta was yesterday at 15 days past and down to 5 not pregnant enough to count as not pregnant so that s that we re hoping to get a cycle together for august for now i m working on getting healthy like for serious i actually joined a gym yeah so loss thanks for the love i honestly had no idea any of you were still out there in a place you could actually find me love to see some of you familiar faces posted by jm at 11 02 pm 11 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels beta blight ovum fet 3 fuck you universe getting my strongs on infertility miscarriage ttc 2 twins ultrasound friday may 16 2014 bad news bad news i ve been having some pretty severe cramping on and off for a week now the anxiety of this cycle was seriously making me crazy and i felt on the verge of a panic attack pretty much constantly yesterday i called the clinic and played up the do i have an ectopic angle which honestly was a pretty big concern given the roller coaster betas and cramping they had me come in today dr boy had to work so i was solo two empty sacs two empty measured 6mm each two same size so they really did implant around the same time like i thought they had the night of and day after transfer they just suck so nothing grew other than the sac i m only 5w6d today so there is still a chance albeit extraordinarily small that something could grow out of this there could maybe possibly still be a happy ending but the look on the re s face really told it all there is nothing short of a miracle that will bring these babies home to my arms at this point the gestational sac should be 15mm or larger with a yolk sac and in most cases a fetal pole with the mini meier we saw a heartbeat today so yeah what are the odds two two empty sacs i m strangely calm about it now but so so very heartbroken posted by jm at 11 35 am 7 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels bfn big fat maybe blight ovum fet 3 fuck you universe ttc 2 twins ultrasound good news bad news i m a well documented pee a holic i managed to hold out until the afternoon of 4dp5dt this time which is pretty much my norm it s a squinter but a second line a second line i see it the internet cheapies sucked balls with this cycle but the frer s came through for me two lines they kept getting darker and darker and i tested through 13dpo the day after my first beta yay for darkening lines getting darker first beta was at 7dp5dt super duper early i was hoping for 60 as the mini s beta at 8dp5dt was 80 it came back at 41 i knew something was wrong honestly my heart sunk that day even though it was still very early and could have turned out fine i just didn t feel good about it nice sob fest in the crying bathroom at work second beta was at 9dp5dt and it came back at 58 i knew it chemical pregnancy again just like our first fet almost exactly two years ago 96 hour doubling time continued meds get another shitty beta at 11dp5dt came back at 80 doubling time 103 hours for some reason the re wanted me to go for just one more maybe one implanted early pooped out and another implanted late ummmmm sure betas were still awfully low but sure we ll entertain this theory while holding absolutely zero hope fourth beta at 13dp5dt came back at 146 what doubling time 55 hours hmmm looking better but still way way low according to betabase not hopeful at all but increasing enough to keep going and going sure things were looking better except my junkie arms and hands those were looking very bruised and battered but i have been in this game long enough to know that recovering betas don t mean a whole lot once they look bad things generally stay bad i knew we were most likely looking at a blight ovum empty gestational sac but man hope is such a sticky bitch you can t help wondering if you re going to be that one person that they keep the cycle going because bam a baby showed up it s a meeeracle i really really wanted to be that person while simultaneously telling myself to stop hoping for the maybebaby to turn into anything because it won t so get your grieving started now posted by jm at 10 58 am 1 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels beta big fat maybe blight ovum chemical fet 3 fuck you universe ttc 2 second time around i m just going to skip over the last two years and let you know i had a pretty easy pregnancy after the pleurisy from ohss went away and went on to have a very healthy baby boy who is wonderful he s 15 months old now and truly truly is wonderful we managed to breastfeed for a year weaning to start the process of trying to make a little brother or sister my period never came back thanks pcos so off to the re we went again six frosties remained from the retrieval that gave us the mini meier i mostly want to get all this down so i can remember the details of our cycles ttc again is such a mind fuck it s slightly easier the second time around but really all the same emotions and fears and insecurities are still there and just as strong anyone that says well but at least you have the mini doesn t know how that almost makes it worse we know how amazing this little person is and how much love and light he brings into our life we know what we re missing now and what the hole in our lives looks like it doesn t make us any less grateful and amazed and thankful for him but damn i want another for us for him sigh here s what our calendar looked like this time around fet 3 calendar i also added in supplements up the wazoo this round to maximize my body s receptiveness morning synthroid estrace up the vag afternoon metformin 500mg vitamin d 1000 iu calcium magnesium zinc folic acid 400mg estrace up the hatch evening metformin 500mg fish oil prenatal vitamin aspirin 81mg estrace up the hatch progesterone in oil 2x weekly estradiol valerate injections we transferred two hatching embryos on thursday the 24th as planned and did the pre and post transfer acupuncture very relaxing very positive felt wonderfully positive sharp cramping that night and the next day these were day 6 embryos so it netted me a first beta at 7dp6dt though honestly i have this whole time considered them as if they were day 5 embies why give them an extra day of gestational credit when it took them an extra day to hit where they should have been at d5 so from here on out we ll pretend it was a 5dt two hatching 2aa embies one hatching more than the other i also wore fancy phoenix socks embryos rising from the cryofreeze no posted by jm at 10 40 am 3 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels estrace fet 3 pdlamblati pio transfer ttc 2 friday february 1 2013 book review here i go again ever had one of those days where you just wish you could take it all back a real do over there are some days i wish i could do that with this pregnancy don t get me wrong i have loved so so much of it and have had a pretty darn easy time of it minus the exhaustion and sausage feet i just wish i could go back and memorialize more of it i have done a crap job of keeping track of everything from symptoms to weekly weight gain to my general state of mind throughout the process as we re starting to wrap up 35wks tomorrow i m already getting nostalgic for this pregnancy and it s not even over while not quite the same though along the lines of a do over jen lancaster s latest book here i go again addresses the age old fantasy of returning back in time to get things right the main character is the bitchy high school cheerleader who after attending her 20 yr high school reunion realizes that maybe the way she s been living her life isn t all that it s cracked up to be i m not gonna lie i had a hard time getting into this one i really did feel put off by lissy s antics and while i realize that it was the intended reaction to her i never developed the sense of sympathy and desire for her to work it all out who knows maybe i m just too scarred from my own junior high and high school bullies to give her a break the book does a great job of making you root for the ancillary characters though which was its saving grace for me between lissy s dogged father the ex jock husband the life coach guiding her journey and the music geek across the street the supporting cast really made the whole thing worth it to me the book is overall a light quick read and a nice distraction from life for a few nights grab it when you need to escape from a stressful day at work and i promise there is only one if reference but it doesn t sting badly check out the discussion that blog her has going for the book there should be some interesting discussions over the next couple of weeks this is a paid review for blogher book club but the opinions expressed are my own posted by jm at 8 07 am 0 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest labels book review friday november 9 2012 book review reflected in you so i was super excited to find out i d been selected to be a part of another campaign through the blogher book club this time reading the novel reflected in you by sylvia day this happens to be the second installment of the crossfire series which tells the story of the relationship and romance between eva and gideon as they meet and fall in love in new york city i had heard some hype about the books earlier this year as the first novel bared to you was released in the midst of the 50 shades craze and this series definitely fits into that same genre after receiving the book and the 1st as well so that i d be properly caught up i immediately noticed that the covers i have to assume intentionally mimicked the iconic 50 shades covers and groaned though marketing associates everywhere cheered that their ploy worked while i enjoyed those for what they were smutty mindless entertainment i was really hoping for more with these two books they delivered while still reminiscent of the romance between ana and christian i was immediately much more drawn to eva and gideon as characters while still flawed and overbearing i felt gideon came across as much more endearing and genuine in his affection for ana more of true relationship with give and take rather than the domineering i own you feel from 50 even better eva has a backbone as long as you don t give her sexy eyes then the backbone melts away both characters are survivors of childhood sexua...