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till in shock but i hope i smiled back he was my tattooed smoke smelling angel that day she stayed glued to me the rest of the shopping trip in fear of seeing him again it was exactly the motivation she needed ramblings october 24 2013 at 1 19 am posted in uncategorized 1 comment this fish recipe could also be used on chicken i bet was one of the best new recipes i ve tried in a long time it was so good that nathan requested i make it again only two night later these grilled lemon zucchini spears were a keeper as well i ve not sewn for 18 months and cannot see when i ll ever be able to find time to again life is just too busy with three kids and working pt at home i miss it i have a complicated relationship with california i adore her but i also resent her between housing costs and broken school districts it makes raising a family hard whenever i m in monterey i just feel like i belong there there seems to be two types of couples those who cuddle at night and those who need their space we are the latter i m so glad that we are in agreement we are starting the search for a mini van and i could not be more thrilled i just discovered audible book on audio for my iphone and could not be more thrilled i can now get smarter while i clean i just finished elizabeth smart s book and was blown away read it living in silicon valley has it s perks i was accepted as a beta test shopper for google shopping express and now get free delivery for 6 months from target walgreens rei american eagle and lots of other stores no more having to drag kids to the store i have severe chronic hay fever and just tried a neti pot for the first time tonight instantly 75 better i m a fan i can breathe again october 17 2013 at 3 37 am posted in uncategorized 3 comments i have ramblings to publish but they all seem so silly right now a few weeks ago my baby brother was kidnapped in mexico and only made it out alive after several miracles it was without question the hardest week of my life when i got the call i collapsed on the floor and started to hyper ventilate so intensely that i was audibly croaking for air it was beyond tears no words can express how it feels knowing that someone you love may be murdered or tortured even at that very moment i called nathan and he took a taxi cab from mountain view immediately because i was in no condition to drive or watch my children although my fingers were shaking terribly i somehow managed to text close friends and family begging for them to drop to their knees that very moment in prayers i felt a desperate need for prayers i felt helpless and it was the only thing that i could do to help i had all my friends put his name in all the temples in the areas that are closest to them i know that at least california texas utah and arizona temples were covered in a fetal position i fiercely pleaded with god i struggled trusting him with shane logically i knew that he loved him infinitely more than i did but in the moment i struggled believing that he knew how precious and good shane was i started to hyperventilate again i knew god could make this better but i was terrified that he would not intervene after all good people have horrible endings all the time but this was shane shane this couldn t happen to shane i concluded that i just needed to do all that i could do which was just pray and trust god with the rest so i did my best to trust him i can t say that i ever did trust him completely but i sure tried in hindsight i think of that scripture in mark 9 24 where the father says lord i believe help thou my unbelief i wanted to so badly to believe but wasn t all there yet however heavenly father knew my desire to trust and was so gracious and patient with me nathan stayed home with me for two days i went from sobbing to hyperventilating to numb stares to rare peaceful moments to anger i stared at my cell phone every moment waiting updates i finally had to ask my friend to please not text me as every time i received a text that was not an update i felt crushed i searched the internet gleaning for answers or stats my appetite completely disappeared and lost six pounds i couldn t sleep well even after taking twice the recommended amount of sleeping pills part of it was that i felt immense guilt eating or sleeping when i was not sure if shane could at one point i asked god that if these captors were going to kill or hurt shane that they do it immediately to not prolong his suffering and then i sobbed again did i really just utter those words i felt an intense need to be with my family in utah and purchased a ticket for friday at that point i didn t know what i would be coming home to but know i needed to be there either way shane was held for 36 hours and only after a guardian angel helped him escape was he free around 6 30pm at night i went in my room for a minute and left my phone in the kitchen when i returned to kitchen two minutes later i saw that i had missed two calls from home and one from my sister i immediately knew it was good news as bad news would have come slower i immediately called back my sister jill and she said shane s free i dropped to the floor and wept with her over the phone it was such a release to weep openly with her we didn t know any other details but i knew he was free and physically well i was so glad that i went to utah our family needed the time to heal i intensely needed to touch and hug my brother i needed to grab him and know first hand that he was well it was the first time in years that all eight siblings were together we all cried a shane told us his terrifying story we all knew so little and it was painful to hear the details my back and shoulders ached with large knots from all the tension and emotional trauma my body was finally starting to relax many well intentioned people mistakenly think that our family was just celebrating at his return while we have been elated with his return there is a need of reverence when talking about it my mother put it well by comparing it to seeing your baby in the road with a semi truck coming when you just barely save him you don t start to jump up and down with joy you grab that baby hug him and weep sure you are elated that he is safe but it takes time to get over how close that baby came to death death was much too close here for celebration it s been a few weeks and even though it ended well i still shed tears or over i broke down blow drying my hair only two days ago i came way too close to losing him and in such a disturbing way murder feels so different than if someone i loved was dying of an accident or illness having evil captors play with his life so flippantly shook me to the core i find that i am struggling to trust strangers right now upon flying back from utah i had to wait at the bart station for two hours while nathan tried to escape work to pick me up i started to have such anxiety and fear of the strangers around me that i did everything not to break down although nate was only twenty minutes away i ended up jumping in a cab and paying the 80 to get home as soon as i could i m doing really well but what happened to shane plays constantly in the back of my head like static i feel immense gratitude to god i know that shane is only alive because of him my mind is so clear of what really matters right experiences like this help you see how all your troubles and concerns are so insignificant i have my brother back and right now that is all that matters ramblings june 24 2013 at 3 28 pm posted in uncategorized 1 comment my favorite new dessert is this vegan chocolate chia seed pudding i use chocolate rice soy milk in place of the almond cocoa powder and syrup i also threw a handful of toasted almonds on top after and it tastes just like an almond joy it s to die for make sure you stir it after it s been in the fridge for a few hours chia seeds are so good for you we discovered the r l stine s goosebumps series on netflix and scarlett is in heaven it s just the right amount of fear i love living in california but here is what disappointments me about where we are 1 even with all the fruit trees produce at the grocery store seems just as expensive and not necessarily better i often see oranges grown in florida on the shelves 2 i am not happy with the education system each kindergarten teacher has 32 kids with no aid how in earth can they teach them 3 the cost of living is even worse than dc why do we only move to expensive places the good news is that with this trend then waikiki must be in our future i finally got renter s insurance i still am not sure if it s the right thing to do my mother showed me how to tightline my eyes and it s been life changing also she introduced me to the dainty mac blush color i love it i m loving jcrew s matchstick jeans in neon 18 at the outlet we finally finished the reading program scarlett is so empowered she loves spotting all the words she knows on signs etc she also writes notes to me all day the notes usually tell me that god loves me or that she loves our family it s really cute i m trying to savour every moment with my little scarlett before i let her go to full day kindergarten this fall i fear for bullies and other things kids may say that will be out of my control favorite apps for kids june 23 2013 at 8 41 pm posted in uncategorized 1 comment all the toca boca ones by far the most played at our house among our favorite are toca tailor toca monsters toca hair salon toca store toca birthday party toca tea party and toca house i just downloaded toca builders today but have yet to try it the duck duck moose apps park math hd and superhero hd are amazing child scripture stories is how we read scriptures with the kids these days bugs bubbles educational and entertaining abc wildlife has real photos and videos for all the animals alphabetically scribblenauts blows my mind you are in a game and overcome obstacles by typing in anything you can imagine like a pink ladder and it appears for your person to use it really encourages scarlett to learn to write any good ones i m missing ramblings june 6 2013 at 2 12 pm posted in uncategorized 3 comments i have a collection of the best girlfriends ever they are spread all over the country but at least i am always covered wherever i go i m lucky i made these coconut chocolate chip cookies and loved them however now that i know coconut oil is more fattening that butter i don t think i ll make them again i joined a bunco group trader joe s gnocchi is disgusting slimy gross nate made the world s best strawberry and rhubarb pie i love it when men cook it s crazy how many other hollands that i ve met only a few but more than i would have thought finish pancakes from pinterest were a fail i m sticking to german oven pancakes i m working from home a lot lately i started my own job placement company and and i m devoting hours to it each day in order to get rid of that darn student debt while i hate feeling to spread out i m loving having professional melanie back i missed that part of myself the job will get easier when i don t have all three kids at home all day long in the fall kindergarten sniff sniff and preschool hurray starts i placed my ipad on top of the car while buckling children in car seats and drove off for nathan s work with it still on the roof i was depressed and sobbed for three days applecare doesn t work since i cannot even find it i m still hating myself i ve fallen in love with the sock bun so has scarlett autumn is heart broken that her hair is not quite long enough autumn s seems to be sloooowly coming out the hardest phase i ve ever dealt with as a mother praise the lord nate got me a mopping robot for my birthday i m pleasantly surprised at how well it does now holland will have clean floors to crawl on nathan is getting this for father s day a friend showed me hers and i loved it nate is a huge popcorn man he doesn t read my blog so won t even know it s coming does anyone even read blogs anymore with instagram around scarlett s surprise 5th birthday party was a success however i m going back to the park for the next party it s much easier than home parties that destroy your house plus you don t have to entertain the little ones we don t have cable and i love it we watch shows breaking bad madmen downton abbey modern family and shark tank only on weekend nights through hulu or netflix on weekday nights we have to be productive or read books i am flying solo both ways with all three kids to maryland at the end of june this also includes an hour car ride to oakland airport and a three hour ride from dulles airport i am terrified it may be enough excuse to get a new ipad though maybe i m reading half broke horses and enjoying it visual proof of our existence june 4 2013 at 3 08 am posted in uncategorized leave a comment cement slides the most beautiful 5 year old and 7 month old in the world ever a very frustrated autumn trying to get rid of the sand in her bum and only making it worse 1 holland with a wig 2 autumn got bangs 3 golden gate 4 holland s first time in the pool 1 scarlett s 80 s hula hoop routine 2 autumn s tantrums 3 scooters are a big deal at our house 4 pony tail family photos we are loving the beach and year round warm weather 1 2 sock buns 3 she s getting ready 4 our preschool area next page my other blog my etsy shop blogroll amanda matt cb bb charlee chelsea schilling christopher toria deborah speed erica s bloggity blog how to make lovely things jenny powell and family kensington blue lacey and russ lds org mandy lin s blog megan ryan roe melissa parker merkley s blog michelle meagher patrick and natalie nelson sparks gone parks stacie dean orr and family teddy scott elder ten cow tyson laura will sara doutre family bowcut family cousin tawny robert stacy haight sean and marci scott sherry andersen sister jilly bean steffan caryn williams torrie cassidy ellis fellow new yorkers ben robin brett kimber forrest abbie fox s family 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