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description=To my daughter - my love - she is an alcoholic and drug addict;

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Text of the page (random words):
oment a meeting an event in life that made you feel happy life is messy life is sad life is hard the goal for life to be happy i have decided is an expectation that sets you up for disappointment does any of this make sense no well let s go on to where this really started i feel guilty when i feel happy i feel guilty because i moved to a beautiful place live in a beautiful house and i can do that only because i am no longer funding my daughter s life i am not paying for her apartment her doctors her food her wardrobe a replacement wardrobe because she walked out of another place with no clothes another treatment center you get the idea i actually am spending money on myself and her younger sister and living in a great place and yet out of 62 days here i have probably really only allowed myself 5 happy days last week i signed up for a pottery class it is something i have wanted to go back to since i was 14 years old and i might actually be good at it it was by far the best 3 hours of my life in the last 5 years it is probably one of 3 moments in the last 7 years that i truly did not think about her or anybody but mainly i did not think for one nano second about her i can t even begin to describe the euphoria yes euphoria that was thursday at 4 00 in the afternoon i have been sad bitchy edgy and guilty for every hour since friday am after not sleeping why you ask because my daughter is sick because i have no idea where she is or how she is because i saw she was online friday night and saturday night and know she could see me yet ignored me not a word not a peep not a sound it makes me cry again as i write this so the dog chasing her tail circle continues the guilt i m the mom she s an addict and it s all my fault oh my god could someone seriously just put me down now how long is enough how miserable do i need to be before we are even how long do i need to do penance because i did something missed something didn t do something which is why she is the way she is which is why she hates me which is why now conveniently after the atm closed down she won t speak to me i am not in control i was an ego maniac to think i did and yet day 5 so far for 3 hours of happy happy from doing something i think i could be in love with an activity that brought me happiness are you as embarrassed for me as i am the ratio currently is 6 47 days of misery to 53 days of happy clearly someone is not done with therapy thank you for anyone who is listening p s my new house in florida has a swimming pool i have loved loved loved to swim only to be punished with swimmers ear seriously you have to wonder i love you lindsay i miss you so very much can t you please find your way home posted in alcoholism children children who are addicts children with issues death guilt happiness heroin addicts hope how to love and support your child who is an addict parenting parents of alcoholics parents of heroin addicts self help for parent of addicts tagged addiction adult children who are addicts adult children who are alcoholics alcoholic childen alcoholics alcoholism how do i help my child with addiction how to be happy how to say no to your child who is an addict living with the guilt mothers of addicts parents with heroin addict children tough love for addicted children what would you do or give to get bring someone back to have on more day posted on march 22 2014 by mommyofaddict 0 have you seen the new shows out right now resurrection choices don t know the name but the bottom line is what would you be willing to do to bring your child back from the dead or someone you loved back to life well i know the answer anything i would give anything have given everything have done anything anyone told me to do and would keep doing it at any cost to get her back she is the living dead the television shows are just fantasy and or something you probably dream about if you have buried a child for me a mother of an addict an alcoholic that i cannot seem to reach who does not want to be clean i would do anything and the sad thing is it s killing me i read other blogs and stories of people in recovery and they all say the same thing they wanted it they made the decision and they went through hell to get there why doesn t she want it if she had cancer wouldn t she let me take her to the best cancer doctors in the world to get rid of it to make her better and she knows i would so why can someone please explain to me why she won t let me help why won t she go to get better and why does she hate me so much for trying she is sick she is my daughter i love her so much why can t i get her back why can t i just let her go why can t i just let her die because i am her mother her mom her protector and i failed i can t seem to move on without her it seems so wrong like i am abandoning her yet didn t she abandoned me her sister herself is it really evil that has taken her i almost think it would be easier if she had cancer or something terminal we tried every cure possible and she did die then unlike the shows there would truly be nothing else i could do but grieve and choose whether i would go on or not with a daughter who is not in recovery every day you have a chance or you think you do as a mom to save her and every day you lose she continues to get closer to death it seems hopeless and i just don t know how to let it go to let her go i love you lindsay i wish you were here xoxoxo mommy posted in alcoholism children children who are addicts children with issues death guilt heroin addicts hope how to love and support your child who is an addict parenting parents of alcoholics parents of heroin addicts self help for parent of addicts tagged addiction adult children who are addicts adult children who are alcoholics how do i help my child with addiction living with guilt tough love for addicted children i swear i would not talk about her but once again it s all about her ahhhhhhhhhhhhh posted on march 18 2014 by mommyofaddict 0 when does it finally get to be just about me about cal my youngest daughter cal and i recently made the move to florida it was time for some sun healing and having a life that belonged to us and about us i decided against my better judgment to invite what few people we know to a bbq cal and i agreed before they come over no talk about the sister s addiction the recent failed intervention and subsequent traumatic fall out that followed nope just about us happy time good times it will not be about her again the first guest arrives a new girlfriend with a few children one being cal s age so he comes along might be a new friend prospect for her 10 minutes in what are we talking about yes the prize goes to her psychotic drug addicted daughter and my addict alcoholic daughter followed with the oddly competitive who has had it worse crazier and how much money was lost omg i wanted to shoot myself is this what the rehab counselor meant about family addiction to the drama a year ago i would have said yes about the drama but today based on my response and cal s we just are not done talking about her about the hurt the why and god how i want to hurt her as much as she hurt us but please why don t you come back i hate that circle i love you lindsay i miss you so much i cannot breathe some times i want to hurt you hard make you suffer the pain that we have over and over again and dammit how can you post funny things on facebook when you know we are suffering so much why doesn t it bother you why won t you love us enough to get sober and be a sister be my daughter why don t you love us that really is what the bottom line is why don t you love us and why did you leave us for a bottle nobody win s in this circle of crazy you have a moment when you do the old fake fuck her i don t need her thank god she s gone we don t need this shit right back to god i wonder where she is why did she leave and why didn t we fix it i love you lindsay sissy misses you so much and is back to crying every day wondering why you don t lover why did you leave her i am back to i don t know what else to do and why do you hate me how do we make the pain stop how do we make peace with letting her go when we know she s still here which leads to my next blog how do we grieve for her when she s right here goodnight to all i love you lindsay and i hope you are safe tonight mommy xoxoxo posted in alcoholism children children who are addicts children with issues guilt heroin addicts how to love and support your child who is an addict parenting parents of alcoholics parents of heroin addicts self help for parent of addicts tagged addiction adult children who are addicts adult children who are alcoholics alcoholic childen alcoholics alcoholism boundaries for addicts children who left family living with guilt mothers of addicts parents of addicts tough love for addicted children hijacked to illegally seize that s what they told me i didn t get it but posted on march 13 2014 by mommyofaddict 0 by definition illegally seize an aircraft ship or vehicle in transit and force it to go to a different destination or use it for one s own purposes the last time i saw her the counselor sat me down and tried to explain lindsay has been hijacked i nodded listened but just didn t get it i knew that when she saw me her dad and her sister she would cave she would go back into treatment i was prepared you don t go back to treatment you lose me and your sister no calls no money no contact and the ace no family guess what she didn t blink she didn t cave she didn t care she has been hijacked i was shocked stunned pissed off and crushed today i looked up the definition what the fuck did they mean she had been hijacked seriously what did that really mean why did i look it up today i have no idea i still miss her so much i take far more sleeping medication boosted by nyquil than i should and the question repeats over and over why why didn t that do it why didn t she go back after 48 days clean and sober finally why did she leave me because she has been hijacked she didn t plan to go there she originally didn t want to go there but she did the opening was there and she was forced into a direction she was not meant she was not born to become an addict or alcoholic that was not what her dad and i prayed for longed for and welcomed into our life with more love that i even knew i had we didn t watch barney with her thinking wow i can t wait for her to grow up to kill herself slowly while i watch she was hijacked and now that is where she wants to stay it reminds me of patty hearst the stockholm syndrome she decided to say my baby my girl she decided to stay and nothing i do say or pay for makes her want to come back i still want to know why i love you still lindsay i miss you so much i can t breathe please please come back to me save yourself please love mommy posted in alcoholism children children who are addicts children with issues guilt how to love and support your child who is an addict parenting parents of alcoholics parents of heroin addicts self help for parent of addicts uncategorized those who give the least but get the most but what about my precious younger daughter posted on march 11 2014 by mommyofaddict 0 you know what they say about the oxygen leaving the room well with an addict as a daughter or any member of the family or friend the addict literally seems to take the oxygen not just from the room but from you life your happiness and everyone else is second they get the leftovers not just in clothing food toys but the younger sibling my sweet precious bug gets ignored put aside and just does not get the attention love and acknowledgement she so deserves so here s to you buggy you are a true daughter and the love of my life you have always been joy and pure love and i am so very very sorry it has taken me so long to dare to let go and live live with you enjoy you and just let you know how much you are loved how wonderful you are and truly my life would not have been worth living some times if not for you and now see the beauty you have created i ask anyone who follows and anyone who have this kind of love and gift in their lives take the moment see did buggy boo brought this home today for me from art class she took the time again to think of me and take her love and share it with me thank you bug i love you all the stars all the heavens all the moons all the world forever meem posted in alcoholism children children who are addicts children with issues guilt heroin addicts how to love and support your child who is an addict parenting parents of alcoholics parents of heroin addicts self help for parent of addicts uncategorized the guilt that follows posted on march 11 2014 by mommyofaddict 0 i haven t posted for days the guilt set in the guilt of talking bad about her the guilt that comes with saying the truth that is bad makes her look bad makes me feel bad the guilt that has stopped me for hears the guilt that has held me in place held her in place and destroyed both of us it destroyed me financially it cost me 7 years of my life did it destroy her that what she tells anyone who will listen it s not true i know that logically before i cut her off it was her dad s fault before that it was about the boy who died and before that but still i feel guilty for saying it out loud afraid she will find out and totally embarrassed and feeling humiliated for saying that out loud as i write this am i crazy because it sure looks crazy my daughter my sweetie the child i prayed for and wanted more than life itself is an addict she is not kind she is not nice and she does not care about me her sister her family and most important does not care that she will die soon i care now i have cared but still did i care her to death did i love her to death she will die if she does not go back to treatment and i will feel guilt for that please someone tell me how do i live how do i have those moments of happiness laugh and not feel guilt please is there anyone out there who knows the answer love lindsay mom posted in alcoholism children children who are addicts children with issues guilt heroin addicts how to love and support your child who is an addict parenting parents of alcoholics parents of heroin addicts self help for parent of addicts uncategorized tagged guilt living with guilt living with the guilt i love you i hope you are safe xoxo mommy posted on march 1 2014 by mommyofaddict 0 i love you i hope you are safe xoxo mommy posted in alcoholism children who are addicts heroin addicts how to love and support your child who is an addict parents of alcoholics parents of heroin addicts self help for parent of addicts i love you i hope you are safe xoxo mommy posted on march 1 2014 by mommyofaddict 0 posted in uncategorized the cycle of the save aka maybe this time it will work aka this is absolutely the last time posted on march 1 2014 by mommyofaddict 0 as you know from my first post i was counting the day of the tough love stance just as ...