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description=Reflections of Grief ~ Surviving the death of my infant daughter;

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hey do my c section will this baby be stone cold silent like she was how come i have to worry about these things why can i not just wonder how his her eyes will look as they stare into mine for the first time why can i not just be curious about fingers and toes instead of brain damage and umbilical cords wrapped around necks i feel so robbed of the opportunity to enjoy this very special time try as i might to just be in the moment i fail i just can t throw caution to the wind and assume all will be well there are no guarantees and sadly i take this very much to heart i hope the baby can t feel all my anxiety bitterness and anger as my therapist believes because if so it s going to be one fucked up little soul i just want to know everything will be fine and dive into pregnancy bliss headfirst yet i can t and it just makes me so sad ah therapy january 9 2009 7 56 am uncategorized comments 3 after a day of feeling pretty well it s only natural for me to crash such is the night before my long awaited therapy session with a birth trauma therapist who has experienced baby loss herself the night before our appt i dreamt about the most diffiicult part of my loss the part i rarely visit in my own mind let alone speak out loud of the midwife i went and saw the midwife to ask her about the ultrasound i had at 36 weeks this is the crux of my grief the most difficult part to accept i don t know if it s a coincidence or not that i had this dream the night before my session but it certainly made for a difficult day leading up to the appointment the ultrasound the wondering the dreading did she screw up i had an ultrasound at 36 weeks to be sure of baby s positioning that was the only reason for that scan so we would be prepared for a homebirth not worried about breech that scan revealed some concerns namely low normal amniotic fluid low movement it took a long time to get the scan done and the radiologist had to come in and do some of it herself isla still scored 8 8 on the bpp so my midwife wasn t worried the doctor told me i needed to see my doctor i told her i was seeing a midwife and she scoffed a bit and asked if there was a doctor too and i got my back up because she said this is a sign that baby isn t doing well my mw couldn t figure out why they thought that when the score was 8 8 she left the choice of a follow up ultrasound to me and didn t want me freaking out over it as i had had such a traumatic birth with my son and wanted to be calm and ready for this new labour and delivery so we didn t do anything this is the hardest part of my whole experience we may have missed a chance to do something for her when i went in at 39 weeks with no movement and the delivery revealed a tragedy beyond what anyone was expecting i was rocked what had we done had i done this had my midwife this is where i spiral out of control every few months this is what i cannot handle and so please be gentle with your comments as it is so very tender my mw ran her notes by the physicial who delivered isla asking if she d missed something or if he d have done anything different he had no problem with her notes and said he d probably have ordered a stress test which probably at the time would have been fine based on the bpp results and a follow up ultrasound a week later which also probably would have been fine since the trauma had probably just happened 3 days prior to delivery after the follow up us would have been based on the mec stained placenta i need to remind myself of this over and over again like a broken record for the first 3 months my husband had to tell me several times daily i just can t stop thinking about how that ultrasound was a warning a chance we weren t even supposed to have had as it was purely a positioning ultrasound i can t fathom that my baby girl was in distress and i chose not to do anything about it i want to die when i think of that so the therapist how i love her helped me reign in my mental storm and redefine everything she picked up on a pattern i had been employing that by blaming the mw i was blaming myself because i had hired her ergo i was responsible for my daughter s death she says that as a mom i am not responsible for the actions of my mw and my job is to be the mom her job is to care for the pregnancy and be an expert in her field i cannot be responsible for her responsibilities i know this yet if i d been under an ob s care instead perhaps they d have intervened sooner as they are wont to do and she d be here now why did i need to have the less interventive route and have it cost me so much again there are no guarantees it would have been any different when isla was born no one was running around it wasn t an emergency the heartbeat though a bit wonky was there on the nst they checked me for an induction nope posterior cervix and slowly got ready for a section the ob told me directly that he never expected what he found he never anticipated for a second that there would be so much meconium and that that was such a floppy baby a horrible thing to say but i know what he was getting at her heart stopped when they cut the cord the resuscitation gave us 12 precious hours i desperately want to let go of this i hate that i keep coming back to it finding ways to make it my fault or what iffing myself to death obviously nothing is going to come of it i won t magically find the answer and isla will be back with us so why must grief be so torturous sometimes why can i not resolve this i hate that it s my husband s touchpoint too i wish he was absolutely certain of it all instead of this being his one sticking point because at least i could take comfort in his certainty i did feel better leaving the appointment things were straightened out again for now i hate hate hate that this keeps coming up i just want some peace with this relearning joy january 6 2009 2 06 pm uncategorized comments 1 lately something strange has been pulling at me it s a feeling i haven t felt in a long long while it s something like the feeling of a saturday morning when tim would get up early brew a pot of coffee and run out to buy newspapers for us we d read and i d sip contendedly in bed for an hour or so this was a peace in my heart and soul that disappeared after evan was born his birth brought a whole other set of feelings and emotions as i adjusted to motherhood i never really got that quiet peaceful feeling back after isla was born and died it went away completely i was in the depths of grief for a very long time i couldn t stand being by myself i couldn t handle still time peace it wasn t peaceful it was torturous i had to be reading usually baby loss books i had to be watching inane tv i had to be very near my husband physically he couldn t go to the bathroom without me standing outside the door when he went back to work a month after isla died i was a wreck for weeks now i am coming to a place that feels like an old friend i make coffee now and stop to truly smell it and appreciate the aroma i look outside and treasure the sun warming my face i see evan playing with his toys and my heart swells with love and disbelief at all that he is and is becoming suddenly i like me time again i like a chance at a drive through the country alone the thought doesn t send me into a panicky tailspin i welcome it when i drop evan off at school and i can go shoot some photos alone i am relearning to appreciate quiet tranquility a change is happening in my heart my soul and for the first time i am deciding to welcome it for a while now these feelings have been hinting at their presence i denied them ignored them and refused to acknowledge them because to do so would seemingly be admitting that i m moving on from isla i m not ready to leave her behind but something has happened i think i m realizing that grieving isla and experiencing hope and joy again can coexist peacefully in my heart i want to look at baby clothes i want to daydream about this new life inside me and bond with his her little kicks i want to love this baby completely and i don t want to feel guilty or unworthy of doing so so i am i am allowing myself to buy a few onesies i am dipping my toe in the baby sections of stores again and you know what it feels nice it feels giddy and kind of silly like i m faking it i think it s because it s all so new again and not fraught with grief these are new baby things for new hopes and new dreams i feel buoyed by hope on the horizon it sometimes hovers on delirium finally finally my heart is willing to open up again isla is something that i will never move on from she is with me always when i m sad and missing her desperately she is there when i am celebrating evan or this new bean laughing at something funny shopping for baby things she is with me she is there regardless and so i have decided to stop torturing myself by disallowing myself to enjoy this pregnancy it is time to believe that what will be will be i don t have any control over what is going to happen between now and may i obviously hope for the best but realize that my worrying panicking celebrating or indulging is not going to affect the baby or his her outcome so bring on the sun i am ready for some hope some light and warmth it doesn t mean i m moving on or have forgotten my daughter au contraire it means i m expanding my heart again by opening up to risk heartache and pain i am opening up to love hope and joy and it is completely worth the risk it s a january 1 2009 6 30 pm uncategorized comments 1 baby there s actually a living breathing sorta little human being inside me and i m really quite suddenly amazed by it all just before my doctor checked for the heartbeat she paused grinned and asked me if this baby was going to give her any trouble today i laughed and said hoped not it only took a few minutes and she found it loud and clear and bless her heart she let us hear it for a good long time it was the first time i d actually heard it per se i d been told it was 144 on ultrasound but couldn t hear it there is was pounding away sounding like a little freight train a healthy 160 bpm doctor says girl and i just cried i still can t believe at times that this is actually happening that i might be allowed to hope once again to imagine holding another of my babies in my arms it is very surreal and i feel tremendous gratitude for this pregnancy and thankfully haven t taken a second of it for granted i feel like i m walking around with a winning lottery ticket in my pocket and only i know it i feel humbled by my gratitude hope and joy flit around and try hard to penetrate the dark cloud of fear and anger that is my grief it s getting easier i don t know why i assumed it would get harder i imagine this is an upswing of grief and i have no illusions of being done with grief by any stretch just for now though i feel fortunate lucky and blessed even by whom i don t know to have this baby inside me and i think i m starting to love it after pulling as many strings as she could and even being successful at getting the ultrasound people to divulge the sex the tech was unable to tell i m sad about that but have been looking for an excuse to hit the states for some shopping anyway i have to go back for another ultrasound in a month in order for them to see a few things they missed so we ll hold off on our trip until then but if they still can t tell it s southbound we ll go i think i m actually a little surprised at my reaction to not finding out i mean i wanted to know and still do but truly hearing the heartbeat seeing the body on the ultrasound having the little bean wave at us opening closing of fist right at camera just amazing i am truly content boy or girl this kid is wanted so very much and we just can t wait to hold it should we be so lucky it breaks my heart when evan asks will it be alive how many five year olds ask that of their siblings i feel sad for how much he s had to grow up but he s learned a hard lesson at an early age and i hope it eases the losses he ll face in his future so overall a really really good appointment u day december 29 2008 8 51 pm uncategorized comments 1 tomorrow i m having my 18 week ultrasound i had one at 15 weeks but not routine horrible no heartbeat scare i wrote about earlier i ve never had an ultrasound on schedule before both other kids were over 25 weeks due to my gross procrastination this one is right on schedule give or take a few days i am desperately hoping to find out the sex i need to know for me whether or not i can lay my hopes of mothering a daughter to rest forever or not i don t want to deal with the grieving of that while holding a new son it s not fair to him plus it would give me another 18 or so weeks to bond with him and learn to accept that a daughter isn t in the cards for us i realize it may sound selfish to even profess a preference but what the hell just because i ve lost a baby doesn t mean i ve given up on all my dreams i would like to have a daughter this side of life i don t think that s such a bad thing so my amazing doctor is talking to the us tech in the morning before my scan in hopes of swaying her to reveal the sex to us which is against hospital policy something about prolonging a test in an already time strapped office yadda yadda yadda i hope she s successful i d hate to have to drive all the way to spokane to get a 3d one done but i d still do it i m also anxious about the scan itself i m mentally checking off all the things i ve done since discovering this pregnancy folic acid check most of the time prenatal vitamin check ditto caffeine held to a 1 cup day limit check all good so far no need to fret yet fret i do because hell anything can happen sadly membership in the deadbabyclub opens your eyes to the kaleidescope of things that can go wrong in the 40 weeks on the inside so yeah i m nervous i hope all is well and i think i m feeling some movement maybe so i do hope but i m well aware of all the possibilities in a way that i never have been before i guess that s a bit of a mixed blessing on the one hand i m now burdened with all that knowledge on the other hand i m armed with all that knowledge keep your fingers crossed for a healthy heartbeat tomorrow i have been reading on other blogs and comments about families and friends reactions to subsequent pregnancy news especially the ones where the announcement isn t made in the first half or even until the birth of said sub i am relieved somewhat to learn that my own extended family and circle of friends is not that unusual it seems lots of people don t really acknowledge the babies who ve died and yet are all too anxious to celebrate the new birth as though the other one never happened i can t tell you how much this infuriates me i feel such a rage for our babies like how dare they not acknowledge them extend support and love in our darkest hour but rather hide in the shadows and hope it all blows over and we re back to normal soon and that with a sub baby now they...