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d looked like she might be a teacher all teachers have that look the tall thin man wearing the track suit who moved to another seat away from us the first time i saw him who this time said hello talked about being bald wished he d cut his hair years ago talked about how expensive it was for his wife to do her hair discussed his wife s friend who had a beauty shop in her house and how we should go to beauty school and cut hair in our retirement and another tall thin man who smiled sadly at me and walked very very slowly when they called him back to the infusion rooms i also met a possible distant relative the receptionist told me one morning when i checked in that there were two patients with my last name in their computer turnage is a fairly uncommon name and this was unexpected news as we waited in the lobby a nurse called out turnage from the wrong direction i stood up confused and so did the man sitting next to me we looked at each other i asked are you a turnage too and he nodded we agreed we had to be distantly related when he told me his family could trace their ancestry to two brothers named turnage who emigrated from ireland to north carolina which is similar to a story i d heard years ago sometimes you may discover you have more than cancer in common with the people in the cancer waiting room it was a very long day i went into the chemo room at 8 15am and wasn t done until 5 00pm my oncologist s nurse was waiting for me when i got to the chemo room and said that i looked great for someone who had such terrible numbers apparently my blood work showed that my potassium and magnesium levels were low and my heart rate and blood pressure were elevated i knew the ip chemo had been tough and the numbers agreed i was given a 6 hr potassium iv drip in addition to the taxol ip my sister stayed with me the entire time and we watched the first 48 hours on a e chemo is boring iv intravenous chemo is administered into the port in my chest i sit in a recliner and let the cancer killing chemicals slowly drip into my veins ip intraperitoneal chemo goes into the port directly into my abdominal cavity on the same side where the tumor was located for ip chemo i have to lie in a small bed and turn on my side every twenty minutes i set the alarm on my phone in case i fall asleep which is often in addition to the chemo drugs a massive amount of fluid is pumped into my abdomen it s not painful but when ip chemo is finished i feel like a big juicy watermelon and i have to go to the bathroom a lot some of the drugs make me sleepy i m actually happy when i nod off because it makes the time go by faster i rarely watch tv sometimes i turn it on just for the distraction but mostly i just recline or lie in bed and somehow the hours tick away i always have someone with me usually my husband and either my daughter dominique or my son s girlfriend nicole to stay with me and drive me home after the third chemo treatment i thought maybe i could eat some asian food with rice my stomach and the chemo drugs gurgling in my belly had other plans i will spare you the details of dinner and the effects of the ip chemo on my stomach maybe thai food wasn t such a good idea lessons learned if you ve stuck with me through these tough past three posts bless you i promise it does get better i don t generally like to dwell on the hard times but those who know me know that i don t like to sugarcoat things chemotherapy is the hardest thing i ve ever done and in honor of all the people through the years who had no choice when they were dealt the cancer card and were saved by chemo i m giving it the respect it deserves chemo i may hate you but i salute you nevertheless share this tweet email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading written by mind margins 86 comments posted in random tagged with cancer chemo chemo experiences chemotherapy cisplatin ip chemo mucinous epithelial ovarian cancer ovarian cancer ovarian cancer treatment surviving cancer surviving ovarian cancer taxol 01 07 2014 super bald everyone has told me that my hair will start falling out fourteen days after the first chemo treatment emphasis on will i await this momentous occasion with trepidation false bravado and magical thinking that everyone is just plain wrong at my first chemo treatment with shorter haircut 1 monday i am aware of the fact that my hair should start falling out in three days while sitting in the car waiting to order a sandwich at great outdoors i feel something on the back of my head i rub the spot and think great i m going to be bald and have a zit on the back of my scalp but there is no bump then i realize my scalp hurts like when you wear your ponytail too high all day and then take it down and your hair is confused as to which direction it should bend i m thinking this is the beginning of the end i ve heard this is how it starts my husband who is bald wants me to shave it off immediately he tells me to own it he is chomping at the bit over the moon that finally someone will understand how he felt when his hair started falling out in high school i m glad i m talking to him on the phone and not in person so he can t see my huge eye roll i tell him i m not going to shave my head until i m certain that my hair is really definitely going to fall out i m still holding out hope that i ll be one of the lucky ones that taxol won t affect me like it does almost everyone i know i m deluding myself but you never know there s always a chance time to pull out the scarves and practice tying knots shorter haircut 2 and looking mighty thin after surgery and the first two cycles of chemo tuesday my son s girlfriend and i have a discussion about not shaving my hair until i m absolutely certain that it s really going to fall out she uses the words clumps and patchy she thinks if i cut it really short and it comes out in clumps i might have bald spots if i keep it long then at least the longer pieces might cover up the patches am i really considering a female comb over for myself has it really come to this the hardest thing of all is going to be losing my eyelashes i can imagine myself bald but i cannot for the life of me imagine myself without eyelashes eyelashes are pretty and mine have always been long and worthy of mascara i resolve to continue wearing mascara until i have only three eyelashes left less than that would look ridiculous right now losing the eyebrows is an entirely different matter i don t mind losing them at all here s to a pluck free next three months and how can i complain about not having to shave my legs for the next three months wednesday my husband can hardly contain his excitement about getting to shave my head it s like christmas in july who knew he could derive such joy from such a weird thing is this every bald man s secret dream to have their wives lose their hair and get to shave it off for them i m mildly disturbed but glad he s willing to help thursday definitely more pain on the back of my head why i wake up hair still hanging tight though friday a trip out of town has put some distance between my husband and his razor thank god this trip was needed if only for that reason for the first time after i wash my hair i notice a small handful of hair the exodus has begun while visiting relatives in oklahoma including an uncle who is battling cancer my aunt shows us photos of his curly post chemo hair i can only dream of getting the curly hair i ve always wanted my aunt s sister in law also a cancer survivor tells me how hers fell out within a week her advice shave it all off saturday more hair loss an unexpected trip to the er later that night due to an infection where they removed the ivf filter from my neck and seeing the semi long strands of hair all over the pillow are proof of the truth this is really going to happen it has begun sunday i m not happy about being in the hospital on my good non chemo days maybe this colors my thinking but i m starting to feel very sad about losing my hair i thought it would be no big deal i m actually dreading having to shave it off monday i m released and get to go home i tell michael it s time let s do this i m crying before he even starts shaving i m surprised why is this so hard i realize that for the first time in my life i will be bald i had a full head of hair when i came into this word jet black american indian hair my mom always said so this is something completely new it feels like the time i decided to ride the double loop roller coaster for the first time with my son how i would have paid someone any amount of money to stop the ride and pull me off before we got to the top of the hill and descended into the first loop i do not want to shave off my hair he gets out the electric shaver and starts shaving i cry the entire time i hate it so much i really really hate this afterwards i look at myself and think of all the things my female friends have said when discussing this you re going to look great you have such a pretty face i can t wait to see what you ll look like i look like a concentration camp victim i look like a bug i look really ugly i don t want anyone to see me i am so embarrassed what is up with me i m a feminist it s just temporary i am more than my hair i am almost bald fake smile i m still crying inside it takes me days to get used to the shock of seeing myself in the bathroom mirror i wear a scarf or hat and never take it off until the lights are off what i could hide before is now visible to the entire world i have cancer i could pick and choose who i let know what i was going through before now there s no hiding when i reached a certain age namely 50 i noticed i suddenly became a little bit invisible ask most middle aged women and they will tell you the same thing there s a certain threshold a woman reaches when male eyes glance and slide past to younger greener pastures but there is also a freedom that comes with being invisible a more carefree kind of existence and you learn to accept that you have to make yourself visible with more than just your looks but now suddenly people were looking at me again their eyes would linger just a little longer than they should noticing my scarf and lack of hair it wasn t mean looking it was more curiosity looking it s summer in texas and she s wearing a scarf something must be wrong with her almost gone and that s the problem right there i hate having to show my weakness to the world even against something like cancer i hate having to show others that there is something that may be stronger than me something i can t fight off or wish away being bald is the manifestation of the weakness one has to accept when they have cancer it s the loss of control that s on display for everyone to see before i didn t have to tell you unless i wanted you to know chemo in addition to all the other harsh effects on your body makes it visible for everyone to see it takes your choice away it s really okay it s been a great lesson for me especially in giving up control but when you re forced to make yourself so vulnerable to others to show them what you re dealing with there s a lot of pity that comes from that and i do not want anyone s pity over this all i really want is my hair leaving my last chemo treatment by this time i ve lost almost all of my eyebrows and eyelashes share this tweet email a link to a friend opens in new window email print opens in new window print like loading written by mind margins 71 comments posted in cancer life tagged with acceptance cancer chemo chemotherapy hair loss illness life losing your hair from chemo mucinous epithelial ovarian cancer ovarian cancer taxol 12 31 2013 have you missed me as you might have noticed i went missing for a while i started a story and left everyone hanging right in the middle how rude of me and probably somewhat thoughtless to those who don t see me outside the words of these posts my only excuse and the real reason i went missing is that it was hard life became a daily cycle of feeling like crap and not wanting to bring anyone down to where i was i didn t want to talk about it think about it or put into words how hard it was it was too close i needed a break from cancer so i took it chemo is the hardest thing i ve ever gone through in every way you can imagine i never doubted that i would survive but i have no idea why i ever felt that way maybe i was naive or in denial or just plain stupidly stubborn and it wasn t bravery or strength and i m certainly no hero just for having survived cancer braver stronger women than myself have fought much harder than i ever did and still lost i was simply lucky enough to be diagnosed before it had spread i wouldn t wish cancer on my worst enemy but cancer itself was also never the enemy it was always just something that happened to me a bunch of rapidly dividing cells that found a home on my left ovary chemo and i on the other hand were never friends and i cursed him often he had a job to do though and because of that i tried to be as accommodating as possible i hated chemo chemo was scary because i could physically feel with each treatment that his poison had the power to kill all of me and not just the cancer cells having cancer has been quite an experience a very humbling one to say the least but it s even more humbling to know that i survived today i sit here on the last day of the year reflecting on everything that s transpired this past year from the first inkling i had on january 4 the day after our wedding that something wasn t right to a trip to the er surgery chemo and now recovery while i was thinking about all of this the thought crossed my mind that i should be ready to see 2013 go hell i should be ready to kick it s sorry ass to the other side of the moon but in all actuality i m kind of sad to see this year end in some strange way i m okay with all that s happened it wasn t all bad i married a wonderful guy one who challenges me everyday to see things in a different way and to be a better person i logged a lot of good running miles the first five months of the year and i m slowly starting to run again i got a lot of reading done it wasn t always quality reading but those fluffy novels got me through many hours of post chemo nausea and fatigue so deep i could barely get out of bed and i won t even go into depth on all the hours i spent watching breaking bad on my ipad i credit it for saving my sanity those first two worst chemo treatments i got a lot of knitting done too and set up an etsy shop i rediscovered walking my taste buds are back and a good cheesy pizza is once again heaven on earth i learned that my children have turned into good kind caring adults and that they chose their partners well i discovered that people you think you barely know can turn out to be nicer than you ever imagined i realized that people want to help that almost everyone is kind in their own way i got four new hairstyles this year sho...