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description=A Southern feminist femme traverses the intersection of gender, sexuality and spirituality.;

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ent debt general financial instability and still not living the life i want and it s no wonder i m gunshy about making big investments in my future i dropped out of grad school six years ago and i m only just now getting some relief from the uphill battle i had to leave my community move to another state live with my mom for over a year and try to make a home and find community in a place that still isn t quite right for me yet i am still as much risk averse as i am comfort avoidant i ve been in one place too long the progress has been too slow i am afraid that if it continues slowing down that one day i ll stop moving and in another six years i ll still be here tired overly busy unsatisfied with the way things are and just too exhausted to try and change it my current desire to make big changes is a joint effort between my risk aversion and my comfort avoidance so the question is am i dissatisfied because things are too good or too comfortable or am i ready to seek something better while pushing through my fear of epic failure and financial disaster both kinda i m unsure where to go from here but this feels like a breakthrough in my understanding about why my life is the way it is right now 10 july 2017 anxiety money school the sound of change leave a comment looking back composure looking back a year later today i can see why it was time to separate from kali i don t feel any better about the manner in which the separation occurred from this distance i can say yeah something wasn t quite right so often i observe that the problems are not what ultimately leads to the end of a relationship the deeper reason is that at least one of the participants has decided that the effort to continue addressing issues to keep reaching for the other is no longer worth it from this distance it feels like she didn t even try a year ago i had just started therapy thank goodness when i next spoke to my therapist all i really had to say about it was i haven t cried i probably won t i just feel angry i still haven t i probably still won t the anger is fading it is and was disbelief anger are you kidding me anger unbelievable anger if there were one word that would most closely define the way my soul has expressed itself through this human vehicle composed would have to be it i try so hard to keep my composure whether the subverted emotion is anger desire sorrow or frustration my tendency in the latter half of my life to this point has been to cement my facial features into as blank an expression as possible to use cool words and logic to get myself to a point in an exchange where i can exit get myself to a safe distance where no one can hear me let it all out never ever show how angry or hurt i am dismayed maybe discontent definitely never let the root emotion seep out composure is what got me through so much of my association to kali sometimes by the skin of my teeth yet it only takes me so far if the offense is too great or the pressure to high composure won t hold and that s when each of you has seen the worst of me you have i know so maybe composure is the thing that i want to let go of during this turn of the wheel it may have served to help me smooth out relations with others in the past especially when i am a neutral party moderating peace negotiations when it comes to my own safety my desires and the organization and maintenance of my holistic wellness i think this lifetime of stoicism has not served my highest good bear with me if you can as i practice allowing the fullness of my feelings to emerge i will be taking brave steps to say what i mean to express myself in the moment rather than long after the dust has settled i will pursue the skills required to treat others with respect as i also foster self respect this will mean opening myself more to hurt and accepting responsibility for words and actions that may inadvertently hurt others feelings the fact that others feelings may be hurt as an unfortunate casualty of either my learning process or bold adherence to my convictions that right there is the worst of it remember we are all trying to do right by each other hurling through space on this wobbly rock trying to get goddess knows where trying and mostly failing to make the world a just and loving place keep trying to do better that s the direction in which i am confidently wandering 1 march 2017 dating heart ire kali the sound of change leave a comment wedge i am sitting alone in a room of my own in this basement in the bottom of this house eating the navel orange you gave me its fragrance permeates the pith is under my fingernails juice drips down to my wrist elsewhere too to my chin i m peeling apart the wedges and taking each one in two slow bites tonguing the wet flesh and thinking of you yours firm rind the sound of the juice in my mouth swallowing this is not about the orange this is not about the process of scraping away the rind or about separating the segments this is about desire this is about the halting pace of a long reveal two souls reaching for each other sneaking side glances trying not to show too much not yet all in good time there is no room for wanting not yet 15 february 2017 eilidh erotica heart loved poetry leave a comment new shifts old ghosts simon is buying a house it is beyond gorgeous huge windows look out onto beautiful walking paths big trees several seating areas with fire pits the elderly owners are leaving some of their furniture which is all very nice and well cared for there is a hot tub plenty of room to spread out to host guests or just for leisure time after work for so long he wanted to own land to fill it with little homes full of happy people to make things grow to sing over the hills and pray over the waters a piece of land that would become a living breathing example of how effectively human beings can live together in community and conviviance i shared deeply in that dream and i still do well that dream doesn t really fit his reality or mine anymore simon could not have bought such a nice house on his own the burden is shared with the one with whom he has been cultivating a shared life since well before my separation from him the one who captivates him and complements him one who has the benefit of a strong career of material resources and of life experience that makes her a remarkably suitable mate for him his life is elevated by her influence and companionship he could never have bought such a nice house with me i have almost nothing to contribute financially it certainly would never have worked out for the three of us to attempt any sort of close quarters even with acres between my little house and hers he would never have had the kind of comfortable enjoyable and successful life with me that he is having with her it is such a peculiar experience to see in such harsh detail all the measurable visible ways that he has benefitted from choosing to end the relationship with me and choosing to focus his attention where it had already been for so long to lean his efforts on the thing that was working that had the potential for greatness and it has become great this experience is leaving me with a lot of questions chief among them are the following 1 does my influence and companionship elevate the lives of my lovers in any way if not materially then how 2 will i ever find a partner who truly fits me like the way they fit together like puzzle pieces 3 will i ever finally live in a home i find truly beautiful will i ever be able to afford for my home to be sanctuary without sacrificing my values when will i ever live in a house that isn t falling apart in some way or another i am tired of the broken fixtures sticky doors and the general inability to use rental homes for their highest good 4 will i ever love any man any other human being the way i have loved simon i don t see that happening for a long long time i do have other relationships and though they do bring me joy they are not the life building kind the looking forward together kind to all of you who love me and who desire to see me prosper and live my best life who know my qualities and have compassion for any failings of my character i know that the answer to all of these questions is yes of course though your confidence is very reassuring and comforting i hesitate to hope for unrealistic outcomes my ability to endure the scattered showers of disappointment is at present only tenuous at the beginning of march and for the second time kali ended our relationship after one of the most stress free and enjoyable trips i d had in a long time she said she couldn t do it anymore she said i triggered her i couldn t see the guylines did not even noticed where i had tripped them and it felt like i was being asked to intuit their location she asked for three months without contact and because i am always always always putting other people first i agreed three months later all that anger and disappointment that had stayed bottled up all that time were still there rotting and then pulse happened how could i stay angry when the world is like that later i got some medical news that i needed to share with her three more months went by from that vantage point i thought i was ready to try and be just friends to remember all the enjoyable conversations and all the ways we connect in non romantic ways we exchanged a couple of surface level e mails i tried to tell her how i ve been doing finally i said sometime not right now but when it feels like a good time i would like to have an out processing conversation because there still has not been any kind of conversation about how the relationship transition occurred my therapist put into words what i wasn t able to it was like being put in a corner until my temper tantrum was over and i could behave appropriately again i didn t get to tell her how isolated and discarded i felt how very little say i had in the disengagement process she said i can t give you that not now not ever and that is when i learned that being flat out denied an out processing conversation is a huge relationship no no for me and something that needs to be clearly communicated to future partners i began to think back on all the things i never got a say in the structure of the relationship the who what when where why and how of every interaction i gave so much emotional support i made so many concessions that so neatly and conveniently put me in a disadvantaged position i set so many precedents that showed it was ok for everything to occur in just precisely the way that works for her i had made it clear that my opinion my preferences and my needs didn t matter to the success of the relationship because i would have just about put up with almost anything for her well it seemed like as good a time as any to start saying no so i said thank you for telling me that doesn t work for you and that doesn t work for me with that i have instantly turned myself into the bad guy if i say anything further it will all get turned back around on me i will be the one who made the breakup bad i will be the one who stirred up trouble by actually finally speaking up for myself i will be the one who mistreated the other and who insensitively overstepped boundaries while i am so deeply aggravated i am also notably grateful for the lessons to be learned from the feelings i am experiencing right now i am seeing all the ways that i let her steer all the ways that i let myself get taken for a ride i don t plan to get taken for any more rides it is such an incredible offense to me that someone who is supposed to care for me someone who built a relationship with me would 1 refuse to take a collaborative approach to ending that relationship and 2 refuse to hear me out when i am in my power it is so desperately rare for me to be passionately upset about something it makes me feel respected when the other people involved can witness and acknowledge the way i feel and bear some of the responsibility for their own actions i know that i can t make anyone do anything but in future i hope that i will find ways to quickly identify those individuals who cannot handle me when i am in my power as a woman as a femme it is so vital that i be heard when i choose to speak up especially when the other party is a man or an otherwise masculine of center person simon listened to me he fielded every question and listened even when the thing i was upset about didn t make a lot of sense to him i want kali to listen to me as for me and my behavior no more careful silence no more blind acceptance no more patient allowing 3 november 2016 butch femme gender heart ire kali loved money poly simon the sound of change wild 1 comment beyond arms length metamour relationships as i was transitioning out of relationship with kali my metamours lost contact with me i felt incredibly isolated over the past couple of months i ve been examining how that transition happened evaluating my own response to it and comparing it to poly relationship transitions in my past the result of my case study is this metamours are people metamours are people with feelings metamours have information you need metamours are people with unique perspectives metamours can help you solve relationship puzzles metamours have a special understanding of your relationship metamours need you you need your metamours your metamours need you to put on your grown up underpants and be brave they need you to know how to communicate your feelings with as much honesty and specificity as possible they need you to learn active listening and practice that skill at every interaction your metamours need you to ask if everything s ok they need you to care about how their relationship is going with the pivot partner they need you to ask about their other relationships they need your advice they need you as a sounding board they need you because there is almost certainly no one who understands what they are going through the way you do especially when a lot of our mono friends aren t exactly going to understand nor might they have the experience to provide meaningful suggestions fucking take care of each other fucking have each other s backs this isn t about sabotage or espionage this is about treating each other decently it is about making yourself vulnerable and opening your heart to compassion this is about being responsible for your behavior regardless of how your metamours or your pivot partner are behaving polyamory is not a race or a competition the relationships that you each have with your pivot partner are unique otherwise it would be like dating clones that really isn t the point of polyamory is it the point is to be dating people who are different from each other because there is so much beautiful diversity in this world and we poly folk want the chance to experience a more expansive cross section relationships are going to be different from each other no relationships are alike each one will have a specialized mix of resources...