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hobbit and his friends come along and steal from a gigantic fire breathing dragon who takes it all out on their homes which brings us to the centerpiece of this year s construction the dragon himself standing a whopping thirty six inches and weighing in at just under fifteen pounds of diabetic coma inducing sugar products i give you smaug if you haven t noticed he s pissed beneath that leathery fruit roll up skin and several pounds of licorice rope muscle is beating a heart that s only demand is vengeance as he soars above the masterfully constructed mountain that houses his lair you can almost see the rage in his jellybean eyes it s palpable like a spike lee movie also in this shot you can see that over the many years that smaug has lain on top of his treasure he has armored his soft underbelly against attack with the sweetest jelly belly brand gems and jewels he s kind of like one of those weird kids that pierces odd parts of their bodies smaug s an emo dragon the prevailing winds must have been blowing in the wrong direction because by the time smaug makes it to lake town he s even more pissed he starts huffing and puffing and blowing white hot fire down on all those candy houses it s only right now that i realized that i should have taken a blowtorch to the village and just melted the shit out of those houses but no i had to settle for this shabbas candles for some inexplicable reason my family always has a completely full box of shabbas candles in the pantry behind the soup what bizarre rituals are being conducted there when i am away animal sacrifice are they used in creating the soft lighting required for the teen star of a cw melodrama to lose her virginity whatever the answer it cannot be weirder than my using them as faux dragon fire on mini gingerbread houses except maybe the animal sacrifice thing what is this burma remember when i said that smaug had armored his belly against all attacks by slowly embedding gems and gold and stuff into his fleshy underside well apparently he missed a spot and bilbo totally scoped it when he was in there stealing shit but when the dragon took off to go reduce lake town to a smoldering crisp bilbo was miles in our scale one foot away and his iphone wasn t getting service because at t has shitty coverage in middle earth especially around thranduil he of course does the only logical thing and tells a bird to go tell someone else to shoot the dragon in the chest this works boo yah right in the heart i ve tried to use all kinds of birds to tell other people things i actually tried to break up with this one girl by telling every pigeon i came across to fly to her apartment and break the news gently i assumed the message got through but no i wake up with a knife pointed at me and all my text messages inscribed in lipstick on my walls not cool pigeons since bilbo had a thrush or sparrow or a raven or something to rely on his message gets through and smaug goes down like san francisco on pride weekend there was much rejoicing not pictured it s hard to make candy look like it s rejoicing until everyone and their mother within five hundred miles realizes that with the dragon dead all that treasure in that immaculately crafted and frosted mountain was now unguarded at first is was just a battle of three armies dwarves elves and men which as it turns out is a sub genre of porn they were about to go at it in a very non porn sort of manner when the fourth army showed up goblins lots of goblins some of them even riding on big ass dogs called wargs oh the carnage as you can see the green and red goblins are totally kicking ass at this point the meager armies of men dwarves and elves are being slowly whittled down by the gelatinous horde and if that wasn t bad enough the goblins brought giant vampire bats with them oh the demi humanity it was at this point that bilbo spotted the arrival of the fifth army the eagles not to be confused with the entirely incapable philadelphia variety and lo with the aid of the wind lord gwaihir that s one of the big eagles not an 80 s synth pop band the armies of good triumphed and there was again much not pictured rejoicing that s our candy creation for 2009 we hope you enjoyed it as much as we enjoyed making it so long tolkien and thanks for all the ridiculous memories an even bigger thanks to the following people for helping put this mess together sunny brendan chase colleen lis katie becca and ben you guys rock see you all next year when we ll be going back a long long time ago and visiting a galaxy far far away gwaihir comments 20 december 28 2009 oh hey filed under humor missedmanners 3 20 pm i love it when one of the candy creations gets bounced around the internet again someone decided that our minas tirith was in need of some extra attention some two years after it was built and so i was greeted by a few dozen emails this morning obviously i m not posting that much around here though i am planning another piece for our ever dorky what i did over christmas vacation series this year will actually be our last entry in the realm of tolkien source material and should be completed sometime this weekend some teaser details it s taken from the hobbit it s got a mountain and some serious aerial suspension comments 2 june 17 2009 fucking a filed under humor missedmanners 10 09 pm this is not almost summer new york it s sixty fucking degrees out there i just saw two girls sharing a blanket as they walked down the street last sunday an epic bbq was cut short because it was too cold what the fuck i realized not too recently ago that i am a very sweaty person like an armenian stuffed inside a wookie i sweat bullets i sweat when i m hot nervous overly happy or just sitting still for too long when it s summer hot out in new york everyone gets as sweaty as i am and i stop sticking out so much so enough with the cold already comments 1 june 4 2009 things i m going to do this weekend filed under humor missedmanners 5 07 pm not stand up all that much pulled three doubles in three days covering for a friend yesterday that s somewhere between 40 and 50 hours on my poor little feetses also on the agenda get so drunk that i fall down and or text something that will be greenlit on textsfromlastnight com get sun stroke on sunday purchase twelve black american apparel shirts and iron on contact printer paper so that i can eventually make customized shirts with offensive mottos for each of the four parties i work for example i freestyle mondayed your mother last night or i wish more of the ugly people at camouflage would dress in the spirit of the party drunk movie review saturday afternoon comments 2 june 1 2009 weekend wrap up filed under humor missedmanners 11 51 am they opened a hipster bar in my neighborhood seven years i ve been here with nary a walking distance watering hole and blammo they open a beauty bar location just three blocks from my door the opening party was hopeful there were so many skinny jeans packed into that joint that i was worried the cumulative static electricity might short out the entire block cheap drinks nice staff and skanky hipster chicks hanging from the rafters i think i m in love unfortunately the love couldn t last as i had to be up the next morning at a god awful hour to spearhead a seven hour drive north to bates college to see my little sister graduate college she d been there for four years and i d yet to visit halfway through the drive i realized why thruway driving sucks balls for a seasoned road tripper like myself there is no worse experience than driving three lanes of repeating tree lines eating mcdonald s and using the cruise control bates is a gorgeous campus tucked into the armpit that is lewiston maine its green grasses and hyper liberal student bodies seem like a wind farm in the middle of an oil field we schmoozed drank and ate for almost twenty four hours straight stopping only to hear the commencement speeches by what seemed like twenty people but was in fact just some donors and fareed zakaria from cnn who was pretty awesome having just entered my last year on the right side of thirty i found myself completely oblivious to the difference i should be feeling from these little kids i remembered that when i was graduating college i thought of my 29 year old friends as ancients always complaining about their responsibilities and sore backs they seemed to carry the weight of their world every where they were always tired finally back in the car on the way home yesterday i think i finally could commiserate my lower back aching the looming week ahead of me all the things i haven t done since grabbing that diploma and running like a chicken with a half chopped neck came rushing back into my head i imagined my post college life as a giant page of paper scribbled all over with a messy to do list with so many big black x s slashed through the checkboxes of my little plans and desires it was nice to see those big and bold and neatly printed life required tasks still ignored no kids no house no wife and no ex wife as the case would have surely been as i was passing out last night i dreamed i tore out the page and started new re printing in my best crossword handwriting the new to do list just as small just as seemingly pointless to most of those who would read it first box write a slightly mushy and introspective blog entry check leave a comment may 27 2009 things i ve seen from my window today filed under humor missedmanners 6 16 pm mondays and wednesdays i work double shifts our location is kind of perfect of people watching tourists locals bums busboys billionaires and the beautifully tragic here is a small tally of things i saw from my window yesterday five skinny jean wearing hipsters with hair wider than their waists three perfect asses one douche carrying a longboard skateboard lose a wheel and almost lost his head as he chased it into traffic i was cheering for the traffic longboard skateboard really two sets of those stovepipe calves that just let you know a chick is lazy one girl who full stopped in the middle of the crosswalk to talk on her phone she blocked traffic for a good five minutes seven hurricane lamps that i had to put up in our windows while it was light out that did nothing for business five golden rings no seriously five married chicks two of whom are married to high up nyc detectives they re a part of a cougar pack who come into the bar to hook up with young boys now i m all about the illicit hook up but damn if that isn t a gray way to get shot comments 2 get legs blog filed under humor missedmanners 3 14 pm i got an iphone i ve been the most ardent of mac fanboy haters but damnit if this little gadget isn t the greatest invention since sliced bread scratch that sliced bread sucks every supermarket gets their bread sliced too thin the iphone is better than sliced bread there i said it if you haven t figures it out yet i m posting from someplace other than my computer from the train actually something i used to be able to do but definitely not with as much style definitely not with pictures either see that horrid mess posted below that s what a local bar near my place of work is trying to pass off as a mojito i know mojitos i work with mojitos several dozen mojitos and everyone around me becomes my new best friend and that sir is no mojito ewwwwww comments 3 may 26 2009 11 filed under humor missedmanners 4 39 pm that s how many currently healing wounds i have on my hands while i love my job something about working in extremely dark conditions around glass and small protruding screws left over from rick shaw diy work has left my hands to be monuments to the word ouch yes i get lime juice in them all the time a little while back during a particularly crazy night i was rushing to fill a few hundred orders and reached into the bottom drawer of the fridge to grab a pair of bud lights whose idiotic drinkability ad campaign seems to be working like gang busters white people can t get enough of that shit as i pulled them out i must have nicked the bottom lip of the door track causing one of the bottles to completely shatter in my hand it was like a glass grenade had just gone off sudsy tasteless beer shot everywhere and i just sat there staring at my hand all i could do was wait to see how bad the ensuing injury would be i remember thinking that i d felt this way before it s the same feeling you get when you ve been caught by your girlfriend doing something that you should not have been doing only you re not sure exactly which thing and you re definitely not sure how she s going to react all you do is sit there and wait to see if she s going to start crying hysterically call your mother cut you in your sleep this one s the worst or if she s going to give you another chance the cut was small a gusher but small i was really lucky i guess to keep in line with the previous metaphor it was like if the girlfriend had asked me to bring home the stripper i d t boned for a threesome leave a comment space holder 10 filed under humor missedmanners 4 25 pm speaking of twitter i m still blown away that someone was twittering from space i ve got a fucking cell phone dead zone on my goddamn front porch that drops every call i make while sucking down smokes and some dude is making bland posts about how pretty the earth is yes i do wish i could see it too how about you take a picture leave a comment somewhat shameless spaceholder 9 filed under humor missedmanners 4 22 pm i ve been twittering that sentence makes me cringe everytime i say it like every time i hear someone else say it i just know that we ll be having that same old conversation we always have about websites dude do you still twitter once my mom signed up i deleted my account printed out a screen shot of the confirmation and burned it yah what a stupid idea for a website i figure it s still got some life in it so find me there sharing mini observations even more pointless than the ones on here leave a comment next page i ve got twitteritis c go random pages about ask dave contact recent posts smaug the magnificent oh hey fucking a things i m going to do this weekend weekend wrap up linkmania ben s constantly changing blog address bluejewel celluloid blonde chefboy s food and wine dragonsvamp the lordess of death escape from real life groucho suave laurie kendrick more than the sum of my parts rhythmism totally unauthorized wide lawns narrow minds archives january 2010 december 2009 june 2009 may 2009 february 2009 december 2008 november 2008 october 2008 september 2008 august 2008 july 2008 june 2008 may 2008 april 2008 march 2008 february 2008 january 2008 december 2007 november 2007 october 2007 september 2007 august 2007 july 2007 june 2007 may 2007 april 2007 march 2007 february 2007 january 2007 december 2006 november 2006 october 2006 september 2006 august 2006 july 2006 june 2006 april 2006 february 2006 january 2006 december 2005 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