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ght to just shuush there i said it leave a comment 10 things i miss about cable tv july 29 2010 filed under random mogosmom 9 23 pm when all else fails make a list on demand i love this feature i guess it works if you have some other pay channel too but we always do hbo and i love most of their series ever since dream on way before on demand i was too young to be watching but i loved sneaking down stairs and watching that show boobies and all of course sex in the city was a great show to watch with the girls but in the last 5 7 years hbo has been doing some really creative stuff guiding light of course even if i had cable it would be a moot point because they canceled the longest running soap in history bastards i watched this show with my mom as a kid since 8 9 years old maybe up until a year ago i was still keeping up with it via online synopsis at the very least and watching online episodes on occasion once i figured out how that worked i loved the cheezey plot lines the fact that each woman on there had 7 10 last names because they had been married so many times when i was a kid i imagined my family was just like the lewis clan of course then i grew up and realized that i did not want my mom to die every 3 4 years then return from the dead hallmark commercials especially around the holidays that one where the big brother came home from college that one killed me i cried like a baby power wars or who s got the power power the remote this only works if you live with someone who likes to have multiple universal remotes i have not lived with such a person since childhood but damn that could be funny and also a real pain in the arse dvr no commercials nuff said law order i loved that no matter what time of day what day of the week you could find an episode of law order at all times ditto for the movie roadhouse weather natural disaster updates ok i know i miss it now because i don t have this luxury but i really hate it when i actually have cable because the local news beats a horse to death and it gets pretty depressing after awhile still it is nice when you see smoke on the horizon to be able to turn on a local station and see which part of the neighborhood is on fire ditto for richter scale readings background noise i hate being alone in a house that is too quiet sometimes i need some background noise discovery channel animal planet these channels have awesome programming and i am usually not afraid for mogo to be in the room while they are on infomercials these are great at 2 00 a m when you can t sleep i always have to fight not to buy the worlds coolest gadgets i think this is genetic my mother bought a flowbee 1990 maybe it was 1991 and she used it too that is how i got my hair cuts in high school with a flowbee i should also mention that not only did my mom have and use a flowbee she burned it out after 7 years and had to hunt down a new one to replace it all that said there is one big reason i do not miss cable at all the disney channel with the exception of phineas ferb who rock i could go my whole life and never see another hannah montana episode again it is worth it not to have cable because i don t have to argue about programming choices or time limits on the tv watching occasionally like on sunday night when true blood is about to start i think about ordering again then mogo will come out of her room singing a song from hannah or from high school musical and it seals the deal comments 2 what the hell should i write about now july 27 2010 filed under uncategorized mogosmom 8 01 pm i started this blog once upon a time when i had all sorts of inner turmoil miscarriages stillbirth infertility with a lowercase i new mommy angst for some reason when i needed to vent this was so easy bitching about grief my anxiety over pregnancy or lack thereof made for great blog material i had so much to say i have 2 healthy kiddos doc says i am in remission from my depression as long as i take my meds the topic of marriage is mostly off limits except to say that generally it is pretty wonderful and of course i don t wanna get dooced so there will be no conversation about work that really does not leave much unless i write about what a pain in the arse our baby kitty is the damned thing eats shoes grrr so i am sitting here with nothing to write about i guess this is why i stopped blogging for so long what do you write about when you get most of what you want in the world i would love to have this creative outlet i just need to fashion it so it is not just a giant bitch fest for me maybe short stories or something everything i write seems like crap though i have written and deleted 3 blog posts since my last posting funny thing is when i was blogging fairly regularly i didn t care if it was crap i was writing to release something i still feel like i have something to release but i don t know what that is now so for those of you who blog what sorts of things make you want to write comments 1 the forgetful blogger july 22 2010 filed under blogging crazy talk getting better homebuying mogosmom 8 31 pm hi all i have let things get rather dusty around here haven t i well i plumb forgot that this thing was here just begging to be updated i am sure y all have been waiting with bated breath for me to tell you what i had for breakfast it was an apple fritter from starbucks if you must know and also a hugemongous vanilla latte i was late for work so i figured it would not hurt much to wait in the long line at the bucks for coffee while i was at it the kids are great mogo is quickly approaching 8 years old and the 3rd grade charlie will turn 2 in august little light bulbs are going off all the time the old man is good too he has been discovering his spiritual path and it is truly awesome to watch we have a lot of buddha stuff happening at our place lots of zen most of it is not coming from me though i am trying and the old man is fairly patient i am here i am alive and doing all the deals even when they suck i am trudging the road to happy destiny trudging indeed the new meds are working doc says i am in complete remission from depression since i posted last i have quit smoking come up with a budget that works for us and paid off all our debt i have increased my credit score from omg that is really bad to meh could be worse i am proud of myself i am also keenly aware that all of this is directly correlated with taking my meds regularly i am almost done being pissed off that i have to take them forever almost i sometimes find myself forgetting a dose or two in a row and then i panic you know what still happens when you are no longer depressed not much different more like a cloud lifts or someone turns on a light it is not drastic though it felt drastic in the beginning i think that was a honeymoon period or something you know what though you still get sad you still wish things were different the difference is that i am motivated to make it different rather than just wishing next stop is to take a class about home buying cause how in the hell does one get it together enough to buy a freaking house this is where i really miss lane my step dad he would sit down with me and help me figure it all out of course he would probably go in to greater detail about the fall of the housing market than i would care for and it might turn ugly but sheesh that guy walked me through most things financial it is really weird to think of buying a house and not having his input anyway i am coveting the neighbors homes it really is an illness walking through home depot ikea and costco thinking of all the cool stuff i want to decorate our home with i am debating making a binder and filling it with all my house dreams i can t decide if that would be positive or if that would just piss me off could change day to day comments 4 time flies july 26 2009 filed under charlie depression getting better kids mogo mothering mogosmom 8 55 pm m and c originally uploaded by azronmcf charlie will be turning 1 in august i know this is how it goes but sheesh it has not really been almost a year has it she is growing and learning and the little lightbulbs go off and you get to see her understanding when it clicks and man i forgot about that part her synapses just firing outside of her head for us all to witness i forgot what awesome energy it puts out there to have this litle creature just soaking everything up like a sponge mogo is about to enter 2nd grade she can sit down with a book and read herself a story now it is mind blowing to watch her reading to charlie everyday she continues to amaze me i am so blessed often i forget to say it out loud how blessed i am it is easy to go on each day wishing it were friday wishing my weeks away so you will forgive the gushing of yet another mommy blogger as i try to remember what there is to be grateful for because most days i don t stop long enough to count all the ways that i am so lucky to live my own life the depression the work the not enough hours in the day all that seems to take over and i forget only to remember as they are off to bed or as i am leaving for work in the morning that here it is while i am wishing away my weeks and looking towards friday these little ones are growing and playing and learning and sometimes i miss it completely comments 2 missing 1 blog roll july 14 2009 filed under blogging mogosmom 9 44 pm tags technologically challenged how does one loose a blog roll seems that is exactly what i have done it is not like loosing my keys or my shoes a blog roll is sort of stationary doesn t really go wondering off like that usually well apparently mine does she must be out having an adventure anyone know where i could find it my wordpress dashboard is of no help at all comments 2 it s just depression filed under uncategorized mogosmom 10 32 am nature walk rattle snake canyon originally uploaded by mogosmama this is my depression cycle major depression diagnosed meds prescribed 1 2 months of taking meds regularly feel great forget the meds 1 or 2 days take meds regularly for a week forget the meds for a week straight screw the meds this is a pain in the arse and really i feel fine going about life all is well gradually over the span of say 6 months blah feelings lethargy and obvious minor depression set in well it s obvious to old man anyways over time it works up to major crying jags and irrational behavior with old man and lots of chocolate and beer further leading to conversations like don t you think you should be taking your meds or you know you were doing a lot better on the meds from husband which is sort of like making comments about pms after an argument it does not go over well arguments lead to more crying and an appt scheduled with the shrink shrink inevitably says don t you think you should be taking your meds and you know you have to take these forever it s like insulin prescription filled again rinse repeat lather i have never been good about taking any sort of medication as prescribed birth control was lost on me it is a wonder that i did not become a teen aged pregnancy statistic i have probably single handedly created a super bug with my aversion to completing a full course of antibiotics which came first the chicken or the egg i do not take my meds because i need to take my meds to remember to take them mind boggling i went through this rigorous screening process to determine if i had add folks with add who also have depression often have problems remembering to take their medication too did i mention this in my last post i thought perhaps there would be a magic pill that would help me get my shit together i was convinced that this diagnosis would be the answer to all the weird and possibly irresponsible quirks i have become known for the new head shrinker says that while i have signs of adult add apparently it is not bad enough to justify further medication i was sort of crushed and i lost it in his office see because this is what i heard you don t have add you are just irresponsible and why can t you just take your medication you moron and also you re an asshole and i am locking you up what he actually said was have you been hospitalized for depression before and depression causes a lot of what you have described and if you would get on a regular course of meds and stay on it you would feel better and here is a new medication that if you take it regularly for a while should help with all of the add symptoms did i mention that with this new medication i have to remember to take it twice a day so for a week the blackberry has been helping me do that for a week i have remembered to take my medication twice a day i have also had 2 gnarly anxiety attacks i feel like my eyeballs are going to pop out of my head any minute and i lie awake at 2 00 a m staring at the shadows on my bedroom wall that have transformed into a woman s face and i swear if she starts talking to me i will let you all know what she thinks about it all comments 2 just call me dr google april 16 2009 filed under crazy talk depression getting better uncategorized mogosmom 9 14 pm when i was a little girl i was dubbed a bull in a china shop by the bitchy grandma wow at 33 years old i can still hear her saying those words recently i have been talking to someone who has adult add and she was describing me so i decided to consult dr google after reading the symptoms i felt as if someone jumped into my brain and typed up all the things i have been struggling with since oh i don t know the 4th grade maybe i took the test you know the one at the end it disclaims that it is not a diagnosis but gives you a score and depending on such score it tells you if you should a not worry you re fine or b get thee to a medical professional immediately well dr google thought i should get off the damn computer and make an appointment apparently the only symptom of this that i did not exhibit was the hyperactivity but it does explain why my feet are always moving a habit that drives the old man bat shit my car or my apartment for that matter is a metaphor for what has been happening in my brain as long as i can remember it is a cluttered trashy mess it is a conscious effort to remember to do simple tasks like brush my teeth or put on deodorant hence i have a whole arsenal of toiletries in my desk drawer at work for such occasions i have 6 different hair brushes because it is easier to have one in every room so i know i can always find one but i can never find one i have never gotten the hang of paying bills balancing checkbooks making and sticking to appointments it is not because i don t have the money to pay them there is no reason with my salary that i cannot support our family yes it would still be tight but there is no reason i can t pay my bills or my rent on time you know and it is not because i can t do the math either i just can t bring myself to add those things into my daily regimen i forget i procrastinate and i forget i totally under over...