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your kids won t do drugs lie cheat be slutty or otherwise tarnish the family name if parenting magazine writes enough articles about it it must be true right but i m beginning to suspect that we might not be getting a net benefit from our family dinners and here s why in order to make a decent meal i m forced to banish the midgets from the kitchen nothing warm and fuzzy about that the only dependable way to keep them away is tv tell me how watching handy manny out macho mr lopart again and again is good for anyone the emotional highs and lows of plate selection will certainly be paving our road to the nearest therapist s office rather than a lively discussion about our respective days the conversation quickly devolves into a negotiation of how many bites are needed to earn more milk applesauce etc the phrase now feel my muscles lost its cuteness about 37 fd s ago especially when the muscle mass is purported to have come from merely touching a piece of broccoli to one s lips busting ass to put the damn meal together only to hear a 3 year old say i m not a big fan of this meat mom is less than awesome don t worry though fd will still happen around here fairly often for one very good reason not having to cook again after bedtime kicks ass filed under uncategorized 2 comments parks and wreck 28jan11 look i don t want to be an alarmist but i ve seen a strange and dangerous creature at the local playgrounds lately and i think my readers all one of you deserve fair warning this beast is quick agile usually clad in all black and a real threat to our safe havens just yesterday i was enjoying some sunshine and chatting with a friend while my kids were doing something i don t know what what am i the park police when out of nowhere one flew past god it was a terrifying sight i don t even know what to call it it was seemingly female larger than a normal playground child but still bouncing around giggling and in hot pursuit of a small child of course the kid didn t know to be afraid the poor bastard was laughing too it was almost like it was a scene from one of those fantasy feel good movies where the mom is playing with the children wait shit i think that s what it was because there was another one at a different playground last week and there was a striking family resemblance what the hell is this a new year s resolution thing because it s almost february time to be ditching that crap the playground is for children where s the solidarity bitchez filed under uncategorized 1 comment sassy knows best 19oct10 a way too typical conversation from a car ride today matty mommy whassat ovah deyah me a shopping center matty a shoppin center me yes that s right matty a shoppin center me yup matty a shoppin center me yeah matty a shoppin center uh huh matty a shoppin center me grinding teeth matty a shoppin center crickets matty a shoppin center a shoppin center a shoppin center 5 10 blessed seconds of silence sarah thassnotta shoppin center thassa store filed under uncategorized 2 comments this ass 19aug10 who goes to an author s reading of her very first book and calls said author an ass this ass that s who of course it was a joke and of course it was in context but that didn t stop the three ice queens sitting in front of me from whipping around staring down their noses at me nor did it stop me from feeling like a total dipshit i mean who does that alexa was up there sharing her words and her life keeping a brave face on despite her certainty that the earth beneath us was about to disconnect from the rest of the continent and despite the fact that audience members were hurling obscenities at her ok that was just me sam and i had already made sure we stood out being child free citygirls for the night and having a reunion two years after our first meeting we just couldn t wait for the reading to be over before having a drink so we cajoled a bookstore employee into letting us bring a bottle of wine in apparently she d been jonesing for a patron to suggest it because her only condition was that we share a glass with her we d barely returned from the wine shop and snagged some seats before she leapt out at us from behind a bookshelf and hissed where s mine so there we were swilling screwtop savblanc and generally bringing the level of sophistication down down down and then just when it was almost over and we d nearly made it out without making complete fools of ourselves i call the author an ass i just wish i could let a joke go unsaid one of these days i feel like it would show a lot of personal growth also it would keep me from insulting people all over the place especially such accomplished people alexa was there doing so many things i ll never do speaking coherently in front of a group reading her book aloud and rocking the shit out of some fuchsia peep toe pumps and most impressive was her smooth reaction to this diminutive dude from the bookstore surreally introducing her by reading aloud the section of her book detailing her own surreal experience with another diminutive dude who just happened to be her re i think when he got to the part describing alexa s pubic area bathed in light he realized maybe this was a strange passage to choose she was beyond gracious but it was a very strange beginning to a great event speaking of the book i m only partway through but so far it is exactly the long term visit to flotsamland that you all want it to be hilarious poignant vocabulary improving it s the whole package go buy it filed under uncategorized 1 comment ain t no shame in my game 23jul10 so yesterday i sent this email to a few of my mom friends subject special opportunity the our last name here 3 usually just a weekday grouping will be available for playdates and so much more this weekend you ll want to get in on this amazing opportunity while it lasts the hubs wants to go watch motorcycles drive around in circles myself i m going to go crazy using a different method toddler torture i ll be alone with my children from friday morning until sunday evening i need your help invite us to a park invite us to your house dare ya come to us just do something to give me the adult interaction i ll be craving as well as the distraction that the runts and i will certainly be needing from each other also if anyone is interested in coming over on saturday night to watch a chick flick and drink heavily stop on by if you re thinking that this email is pathetic well you re right happy now me so yeah i put it out there i can t be alone with my kids for 3 days no way no how uh uh at first i was a bit hesitant to send it like can t i just let plans fall into my lap or arent i embarrassed to let on that i didn t have any plans for this weekend no no and no i needed to fill my playdate card to the gills this weekend and i was gonna do it anyway i had to just the thought of doing a whole week at home with the monsters um midgets um future rational people then a whole weekend and then starting it all over again next monday definitely sent me into an internal and occasionally external tizzy but now having shared my plight with my pals they have responded like gangbusters and i m facing a weekend chock full of fun stuff in fact i made the mistake of listing off our plans to will and instead of feeling sorry for me like he was supposed to i think he might be a little jealous we re going to a margarita happy hour playdate this afternoon tomorrow i will try putting my kids in my friend s gym day care so she and i can do a training ride and run for our upcoming triathlon then we may hit some wineries i ve got another friend coming over for a movie and wine she s a sucker for chick flicks so my hopes that she d respond to that came true and then a trip with her family to the farmers market on sunday morning man i m kinda tired just typing that also i feel a bit pre hungover here s the thing that s pretty embarrassing though single parents are doing this solo thing every week and every weekend how for chrissakes probably not by sending out emails whining about their situation what do they have pride or something ok so bottom line i needed help and i asked for it and i got it important lessons abound filed under uncategorized 2 comments are 2 sick kids better than 1 14may10 let me break it down for ya i m currently pinned on the couch by 28 pounds of sleeping sick toddler that could be worse my real problem the 30 pounds of non sick toddler running loose in the house my only options for discipline are as follows 1 squirting him with a water bottle already proven to be ineffective 2 throwing household items at him only available choices are remote control and coffee mug and obviously i need those or 3 letting him continue to run amok until he either passes out or knocks himself unconcious also he s not watching the tv but goes apeshit if i turn off curious george maybe i should just follow ole yellow hat s lead and let matty out into the world on his own surely nothing could go wrong right she s a cute lil sickie isn t she filed under uncategorized 5 comments going going gone 08mar10 my sanity that is you often hear descriptions that toddlers are like neanderthals mine sarah especially are more like mental patients to be more specific girlfriend is batshit crazy sad thing is i m no different take this recent and quite typical episode stemming from her pre nap diaper change i ll preface by saying that lately she s been eschewing pants by screeching no knees no knees yeah there s the beginning of the crazytalk so as long as it s warm enough i just go with it and make sure she s got at least a onesie on so the dipe stays intact today i had no onesies readily available and couldn t have predicted what was going to happen so i thought i could give her a choice of pants to wear she was excited by the prospect me flirty pink skort or pink poodle pj pants sarah yes mommy me oh ah you have to choose puppy pants or skort sarah in a desperately hysterical screech that came out of nowhere puppy pants puppy pants puuuuuuuuppppppppppppppyyyyyyyyyyyyy paaaaaannnnts so silly me i go to put the puppy pants on sarah noooooooooooooooooooo much crying wailing flailing etc me trying to keep the tone light oh you want the skort and i remove the pants and attempt to put on the skort sarah wahhhhhhhh nooooooooooo horrible shrieks of horror i m really starting to lose it now i m hungry tired and so fucking ready for naptime so teeth clenched i suggest that maybe she wants both on and i try to make that happen here s where i should type what she said but i don t know how to recreate it loud hysteria with wild flailing manic thrashing so fun i have no clue how to remain calm during shitstorms like this i get so mad it s not logical to get mad at a crazy not quite 2 yr old her brain is not fully developed and it s going haywire but it doesn t change how i feel in the moment i yelled possibly even shrieked a bit myself hucked the skort into the closet and told her it was poodle pants or the highway she was devastated shocker then it somehow occurred to me to offer her the skort to cuddle with for her nap and it fucking worked huh a random skort from a drawer we haven t opened since summer who d a thunk it she seems to be fine now knock wood but i m still reeling i think it s important to point out that i don t think sarah is much crazier than any other toddler this is more about how i respond to it than her behavior why do i get so nutty what do i care what pants she wears or how long it takes to figure it out why does her shrieking me yelling why don t i realize that this is really not helping to show her how to react calmly to adversity why don t i just wake up and realize i m a victim of my very own genetics why don t i have more booze in the house filed under uncategorized 3 comments slow learner 22jan10 ok before y all roll your eyes and snark slow learner how about slow blogger yes i am i ve been out of ideas out of inspiration out of focus all that back in the day i might have said at this point i m back but honestly i don t know all i know is that for the first time in what seems like forever i ve been having that i ve got to blog that feeling here s the thing i made a parenting breakthrough sit down i can t help you if you have one small brain cell in your body you already made this breakthrough in fact it probably wasn t even a breakthrough for you it probably came along as easily as say breathing ok so with that here it is stop trying to get shit done duh i was finding that i was getting really impatient with my kids they always wanted to be picked up they always wanted my attention blah blah blah any toddler mom gets this i had chalked it all up to a phase and had really latched on to this new theory that 18 months is the new terrible two i ve realized that when we re out i m so kid focused we go to parks or on nature walks where we frolic together and spend hours look at sticks we go on errands where i talk to them constantly without any legitimate response as if i m some kind of deranged person we go to playdates where i drink champagne and complain to my fellow moms oh wait that s not a good example anyway most trips out of the house supermom at home eh i m always trying to accomplish stuff which pisses off the kids and then they come to get me and then they re all whiny and then i m annoyed and it s a nasty circle nothing gets done kids are pissed i m stressed and my house looks like shit not to mention the fact that my blog never gets updated they seem to really hate it when i m on the laptop i don t know when the realization hit me sit with them play have tea parties all goddamn day but it s really not like that when i m in the mindset of doing other things playing with them seems like a nuisance i think play with each other with the fisher price showroom i ve bought you with the dog but in these past couple days playing with them has been fun we giggle we pretend we chase each other i pick them up because i want to it s so much fun and the days fly by ok full disclosure they go by no dragging though i don t mean to portray myself as mommie dearest even before all this i played with them a lot it was just that i also had the nerve to do my own thing on occasion 20 month old kids are not having that no ma am the funny part is that surprisingly enough or not at all if you re one of those lucky folk i mentioned above who has a brain my house looks pretty much the same whether or not i spend my days trying to get shit done or trying to build the bestest megablok tower it s a pit i ll clean up when they go to college filed under uncategorized 5 comments icried 21oct09 so in addition to joining weight watchers i ve also begun the couch to 5k running program i actually started the program a while ago and just finished week 5 of 9 i actually think the running is totally separate from the weight thing for me being a fatty is all about the food and drink i love it and i can eat like nobody...