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t s hard to describe a broken heart and how to heal one is beyond me but we know that there is a time a place for everything and that god is good and heals all pain i was able to hold her in my hands and felt peace and comfort wash over me i cling to this moment when i try to move on with life as everyone else is doing and i am frozen from the pain of a broken heart they say that people who had a well lived life get buried in the ground but a child is forever buried in your heart and that is where lucy will be it will just take time to mend and grow from the pain i have never asked why me for every baby is a blessing even an 18 week baby and for her i am grateful posted by monica at 9 53 am 8 comments sunday june 09 2013 brad puffpaff jd attorney at law my favorite picture my three boys ecstatic family we did it giving dad hugs before the ceremony jumping for joy even the baby in my belly is jumping wahoo it s official brad puffpaff cum laude i m so impressed he deserves it a feat i thought would never end actually did brad graduated law school and with honors i reflect back on my thoughts about this adventure and remember how scared i was to take the plunge to go we definitely did not have it easy and i wish i could say it was easier than i thought but in reality it was harder than i could have ever imagined but one of the best experiences of my life a true blessing i speak only for myself when i express these thoughts as i am sure brad thought it was difficult but i rarely saw him stressed and if he was he hid it well he was such a rock at law school coming home and making sure he was home and not bringing school home with him he made sure the boys felt loved while i was at work often having movie nights wrestling wars and even taught the kids to ride their bike during his little free time why i am so impressed that brad did so well in school is because i felt he had it harder than others he was competing with at school i worked 5 nights in a row which meant brad had to come home from school and watch the kids even during finals weeks this cut into his study time while others could stay at the school as long as they wanted for brad to juggle home church and his school he worked very hard to make sure there was a balance and it paid off i m quite proud can you tell i have a pretty amazing husband i started the adventure of law school lonely and scared i had no friends no family and often felt alone and tired i had been placed in a schedule at work that was the only thing available working 12 hour nights it was 3 on 1 off and 2 more on basically 5 shifts in a row i was a walking zombie i hated it but i found a way to manage i was often reminded to cherish my children i can hardly remember this but gavin was still in diapers and taking 2 naps during the day he wasn t talking well and ethan was a little cherub talking my ear off we would go for walks even though i just wanted to sleep on the couch and i hold those moments so precious my boys got me through those sleep deprived hopeless states i became friends with the women at work an amazing kind and loving group of women each had a story to tell that made me want to be better i felt welcomed and loved while i was there they were a light that i am so grateful for i miss them dearly brad and i eventually moved apartments which meant we joined the student ward at our church what can i say about this my heart is full i met so many amazing girls a lot were law school wives experiencing the same thing i was the spirit was so strong at church these faithful women kept me buoyed to my priorities which were god and family and the rest would fall into place which it did i felt comforted and loved by my heavenly father i was tested a lot but always strengthened from them i became friends with the most amazing families that i am sure to stay friends with until we die i cannot talk about this charmed life being a law students wife with other amazing women without my heart skipping a beat or wanting to burst helping each other lifting them when they are down having dinner together joining friends as if we were family our family away from family i become down right teary eyed when thinking about that opportunity i had to be placed there and to meet these families again a true blessing i know god is good he listens when we feel we are alone he places friends and people in our path to bless us with his love keep the faith i felt it was important for brad to walk for graduation i wanted the boys to remember how boring it was but that their dad did it i was surprised how much ethan enjoyed it he was so proud to have a dad walking he would stand up and walk right up to brads row where he was sitting during the ceremony and take his picture or go for a hug i couldn t stop him because gavin passed out in my lap at least one of my children will remember this amazing moment after all we did to it together brad ethan gavin and i all graduated law school posted by monica at 1 53 pm 2 comments tuesday may 07 2013 it s about time it looks like ethan has been working hard on his math work at school i love his comments on the bottom of every page we get home from school it is about time to post that i am expecting baby 3 we are so super excited it has been a long road and a long time coming when we started law school brad and i wanted another baby but then we went to school i had to take on a lot of responsibility by working full time nights putting brad through school and also being a full time mom and wife i was stretched so thin i often wonder how we made it through it was difficult to say the least there would have been no way to add being pregnant and a brand new baby on top of it all so we waited patiently for the right time to come we moved in with my parents while brad finishes law school and takes the bar in july which has been a huge blessing my parents love my boys while i work they get spoiled by family and so do i one day gavin came to lay on me while i was on the couch he usually cuddles right up and fits perfectly i snuggled him close as he closed his eyes his breathing got heavy and his legs and arms sprawled past me on the couch i about died right there when did my baby grow up so fast his chubby legs have become lean and strong his face has thinned into a mature 4 year old and his excitement for life is expressed in his conversations with me where did the thumb sucking baby go that fit perfectly in my arms i now have a child who lays next to me instead of on my lap i have held on to my children to get me through the tough patches of life they bring so much joy and light i absolutely love being a mom to know that i would not have anymore children was like a part of my heart was stolen i knew it was time for another and so did brad i was so happy to find out that i was pregnant it has been a while so reality came quickly with all day long morning sickness i can truly say i have been miserable how do we get through this and continue to have children haha luckily my parents have allowed me to sleep through the worst of my sickness while they manage the boys that has been my saving grace i am 12 weeks so i am hoping it will ease up soon yikes ethan absolutely loves knowing we are going to have a baby we told him first but to keep it a secret until we had the ultrasound he was obviously too excited and drew pictures and comments on his papers that i was pregnant his teacher was the first to find out haha he often comes up to my belly to talk to the baby when i am throwing up he pats my back and reminds me that the baby is just growing i sure do love my oldest boy i feel so blessed to be adding another precious child to the puffpaffs posted by monica at 3 47 pm 8 comments wednesday november 07 2012 a crazy interview today i went to a job interview just to check out the grass on the other side you know to see if it was truly greener i never felt so dumb in my life after this interview i was applying for a rn clinic job pretty straight forward well i had to fill out a application that consisted of sat questions and things that said mark the words that are spelled incorrectly and identify the incorrect spellings also multiply divide longhand and subtract these problems which were not simple define these terms some included carpal tunnel mri femur others i have never heard of then there was a task managment section where i was supposed to number the tasks i would do first in order of priority then after all that i took a typing test it took me 45 min to fill out the form i was super embarrassed i haven t used long hand division since middle school and it took me a few tries before it came back to me i have no idea how it went i was so flustered by the time i was done i couldn t focus during the interview the job sounded amazing except that it doesn t offer insurance so i went through all that for nothing i m thinking the grass is greener on my side and don t ever want to go through that again i didn t feel like i was interviewing for a clinic job posted by monica at 2 59 pm 1 comment sunday november 04 2012 fall we love fall around here i love that the leaves turn and there is a crisp to the air but no snow threatening to fall for the past 10 yrs i have lived in a place where once fall hits it gets freezing cold and snows not here it s amazing and wonderful i actually get to enjoy the seasons my kids and i went on an adventure hiking through the woods and didnt have to come in because our noses were going to freeze it is so beautiful here i missed it posted by monica at 6 11 pm no comments inspired as of late i have felt seemingly uninspired detached or blah ish i can t even come up with a word to describe what i have been feeling uninspired seemingly works best if it can work at all i think with the move new job kids growing up and me coming home did me in it has made me recollect of who i am and who i thought i wanted to be when i was thirty the thought came to me as i was standing in my dad s office which used to be my bedroom except now it is painted over and filled with my dads business stuff i remember sitting on the ground in that room next to the heater spending hours and hours contemplating life while the heater burned my back then legs and then bum as i would rotate spots while dreaming about my life or talking on the phone with girlfriends about my future i stood by that heater and thought i am here in my future what have i become quite a daunting thought as i could remember vividly what my legs felt like 14 yrs ago as the heater warmed them to an almost blister before i would rotate sides as if i was there doing it now here i am meeting my past with my future i almost expected chimes and a wind to blow the papers around to like a freaky friday incident no one showed up from my past i didn t switch places with anyone but i could feel my 16 yr old self she was wild at heart hopeful and energetic careless and excited to venture on i remember her that is remember but now i am reserved and responsible i do not draw or paint like she used to i do not take pictures like she used to i do not look for artists and music like she used to i do not go out to search for fun and new things i do not face new things with confidence and a smile like she used to i do things that are safe usual and predictable i wonder if everyone could remember what they were when they were 16 would they feel like me does age make us this way or is it my life that had led me to smooth out the sharp edges and unique spots to a flat stone i expected me at 30 to be more more loving more fun more laughs more smart more kids more money more happiness more carefree more time more creative more myself i used to love to write and read and grow from it i felt i let myself spill out on paper or relate to a character in a book that i would allow them to spill out in my life i loved the romance life offered the beauty it made me want to go dig out my journals of past which i cannot find but to live that life again to have that feeling of standing on the edge breathing in the fresh air just waiting for the next exciting thing i feel grounded now and can t remember the last time i was anticipating the next exciting thing maybe that is what 30 is about or maybe i have let myself be boarded up with things that i thought were more important than me i m glad that i found my 16 year old self because now i can remember me and remember that life is quite still romantic and that i now have 3 boys to bring on my adventures i feel quite lucky because i don t want to be this thirty i want to be that thirty and i don t know if i would have realized this unless i had that moment in my old bedroom i am hopeful that this will change my uninspired to inspired i just have to let it posted by monica at 1 54 am 1 comment saturday october 20 2012 birthday boys the boys keep growing up even though i tell them not to gavin turned four and ethan turned six i have the best boys the best life a girl could ask for my boys are sweet funny sensitive rowdy and so loving they are exactly how i imagined my kids to be pretty amazing i feel so blessed to have them in my life i do not know what i would do without my kids they are my heart ethan tells me he loves me to the moon and heaven and back i love them more every year i take their birthday pictures these are my favorites from the ten minute photo shoot one thing i learned is mom cannot be the photographer because the kids sure think it s hilarious to do the exact opposite i want them to do we got the kids razor scooters this year they didn t take anytime zipping around on those things in fact they can ride it better than i can ethan is very smart and loving he likes to do creative things like make crafts draw or write stories he loves to watch shows like how it s made or fishing wars on tv with grandpa he is very interested on how thinks work including life he has questioned me numerous times about how i help the doctor at work get the baby out i m so not ready for this growing up business he always tries to do what is right he loves to read with me if i am reading the book he is already an eagle of the month for kindergarten a special award chosen by the teacher for him showing respect and cooperation in the classroom he is growing like a weed his new school pants are getting too small you can find him singing around the house or hidden in his closet that he made into a library or thinking room reading or drawing ethan loves rice with soy sauce gavin has quite the personality he shows everything he is thinking and feeling i have never met a child quite like him he is so much fun his laugh is contagious and he sure loves to laugh you can make him giggle just by sticking your finger in his neck he loves to be active outside and riding a bike or scooter he asks for cookies or brownies a lot he is learning fast and loving preschool he tells me all the tricks he learns from his teacher at preschool a f...