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Text of the page (random words):
re bilderbucks the only denomination is 100 s but that s just because well you know how these guys roll so hit the atm and money exchange before seeking out the pole hole don t look dick cheney in the eyes especially when he s in reptilian form if you bring cookies make sure you pack enough for everyone and lastly try very hard not to talk to the nazis they re dicks of course but besides that they also happen to be extremely busy working on the saucers for the overlords so for the good of the fleet do us all a favor and leave those evil bastards alone until next time travelers r posted by recon at 2 00 pm 5 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest friday february 04 2011 mortal kombat 7 amber alert nbc s to catch a predator is tv that makes a difference thank you chris hansen america s pedophiles are on the run it s nice to see television making the world a better place that being said this does make it harder to track these guys down sure it s easy enough to wrangle up baby petters in some armpit swamp town in central florida but now these guys have taken refuge in the underworld those cops are going to need more than pepper spray to get past shang tsung why you ask because he s a motherfucking shapeshifter who absorbs the souls of his enemies in order to maintain his god like powers and immortality good luck officers in related news the annual fighting tournaments mr tsung sponsors have caused quite a stir in the martial arts community as of late some contestants say that the event is tied to a string of mysterious deaths in the area shang tsung s personal secretary and life coach jonas raiden told reporters that mr tsung is in full and total cooperation with authorities as of press time mr raiden couldn t be reached for further comment as he was too busy being awesome and shooting people with lightning bolts that fly out of my god damned hands posted by recon at 8 46 pm 0 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest thursday january 27 2011 i wish india was a person so i could high five them with both hands well i haven t written on the blog in a long long bit but only because i haven t been truly inspired until this very moment i m a fan of all things indian it s a known fact that i m 110 gay for chicken tikka masala not to mention garlic naan the crack cocaine of the carbohydrate universe i love reading books by yoga dudes with long awesome sounding names the ones that hipsters name drop during late night post dinner convos in order to look both deep and cerebral i do enjoy soaking in the wisdom of smiley eyed peaceful wizards who rock mind powers and snuggies at the same time all the while sporting proper jim henson beards to keep the hippie cred strong and keep it green don t even get me started on ghandi the movie which won like 67 oscar meyer statues back in the day and is such a fantastic movie that i happily sit through all 14 hours of it whenever it comes on tv which is something i only do for the likes of bloodsport bill ted s excellent adventure and post beard riker episodes of star trek the next generation a feat indeed for a man who already forgot how this sentence is supposed to end because of a condition that sometimes makes me jumpy like a squirrel and occasionally causes my elocution to take on a pace and consistency akin to the movements of a severely retarded goldfish where was i yeah ghandi god dammit that is a good movie that movie literally made me begin to hate white people i m white which is cool i guess but i can t really grow a mustache and i m terrible at accents also i m not an imperialist british land baron who shoots indians and relishes in the act of being a total dick for no reason i d even go as far to say that the movie ghandi illuminated a defining moment in history it illustrated the moment when passive aggressive mustachioed british men of wealth and influence officially became the biggest assholes in the entire world even though i m excitable i m surprisingly not prone to being starstruck that is with the exception of this one time i met ben kingsley at my old job first of all he s a fucking knight which could only be more badass if they gave him a real sword and a suit of armor and sent him off to burn villages and drink mead out of bejeweled goblets secondly he s ben fucking kinsley who some have dubbed the ben kingsley of actors i d even go out on a limb and say that ben kingsley s ghandi while obviously not as world changing and influential as the real ghandi was more how do i say convincing as ghandi than the actual ghandi was which is totally crazy because non kingsley ghandi was ghandi all the time plus he was the original anyway when i met him he was so cool that it kind of took me off guard i figured someone who got knighted would have at least a few diva tendencies so when he had none at all i got nervous and for whatever reason i got all nervous and i started to feel like one of those sweaty european girls about to faint at a thriller era michael jackson concert somewhere in the grayish part of the map between eastern siberistan and the western half of the balkan powder keg shout outs to the ottoman empire play on players you know the type of place i m talking about that little whatever country shaped like an amoeba the one conveniently wedged between former cold war adversaries that only wikipedia webmasters can properly pronounce or even care to know the name of a country so insignificant and small that their two olympic athletes flip coins to see who gets to carry the flag at the opening ceremony and who gets the top bunk back at olympic village a land where kindergartners smoke unfiltered cigarettes and men s names sound like a brand of assault rifle and women s names either sound like poison flowers or a chemical ingredient of industrial solvent a place where smiling is restricted to supervised children under the age of 5 and allowed only during daylight hours and only on their birthdays adults caught smiling without just cause face a mandatory sentence of 20 years hard labor in the notorious ice mine of the northern lands a place rumored to be haunted by communist ghosts the clip below reminds me why i love the indian movie industry it literally has all my favorite things in it robots nonsense noises unnecessary assortment of guns leather jackets mustaches fun mom jeans fast movements inexplicable kung fu zooms the list goes on just watch this video i promise you it s so good you ll want to snort it then spend next month in the woods drinking coffee in hooded sweatshirts with tired looking men and frowny women with clipboards detoxing from the effects of it s awesome motherfucking awesomeness posted by recon at 8 45 pm 2 comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest friday november 05 2010 bucket list it s been a minute several thousand to be exact the irony of the situation is that life has been boring so i don t have an excuse except that i m awesome which under usual circumstances would be a pretty awesome thing but like anything else taking or giving out too much of it can be potentially very problematic i m not saying i m dangerously awesome but i am saying that i m awesome to the point that the waves of awesome i emit from my head and body can sometimes disrupt consumer electronics scramble sonar in nearby dolphins confuse basic robots and cause mild to acute panic to spread in small impressionable children of all sizes and types specifically the smaller jumpier ones that eat food like squirrels and act gun shy in loud crowds it only makes job interviews at daycare centers ocean theme parks or sharper image stores far more difficult and awkward than they already are but who am i to complain about being awesome all the time when there are plenty of good people out there who deserve it as much as me but don t have as much as i do i should try and be grateful for the surplus i ve been given see it as a gift rather than a curse instead of abbreviating the last few months and boring the fucking face off your head with self introspective rabble and such i ll instead take this time to show you my list it was supposed to be a to do list but most of the things on it i haven t done yet so i made it a list of things i plan on doing eventually when i get around to it sue me i m got the hustle and wherewithal of an stoned teenage tree sloth so without further ado here is the official bucket list for the rest of my natural life a very slow work in progress my life plan 3 complicated and delusional steps to personal happiness step 1 the road to riches 1 calm the fuck down 2 stop being so calm and get up already 3 quit horsing around like a donkey with the nintendo and dope and come to your senses about real life things like money you jackass 4 get a new job that provides you with american money in the form of legal tender as the reward for work completed frown at uncle sam and his taxes realize quickly that it would be preferable to make 3 or 4 million annually 5 come to the conclusion that 3 to 4 million dollars a year would require the undertaking of a serious life of crime 6 follow 4 easy steps to learn crime grow a proper mustache watch all 5 seasons of the wire befriend charming street grifter after getting maintenance job in retirement home pay for 12 week intensive crime school lessons with money earned learn colorful life anecdotes and obtain necessary skill set for future crime career use the internet take notes with a pen and paper adapt crime school lessons with knowledge gained from being online and form an effective criminal recipe apply crime knowledge in one large heist which promises large sums of money but is 100 foolproof with absolutely no chance at all of getting caught by the police 7 get caught meet angry and heavily armed federal agents who desperately want to get to know you better 8 have a stand off with the police watch yourself on television as it s happening wave your hand in front of the window so you can see yourself live on tv at the same time try not to have your mind blown by watching something so fucking cool 9 surrender try not to panic while avoiding being shot by the growing number of intense tight faced snipers writhing on rooftops just waiting to explode your worthless criminal face with giant metal bullets 10 renounce life of mischief decide instead to cooperate and help authorities eliminate your former grifter mentor turned local crime kingpin 11 receive amnesty cry in court shamefully like the menendez brothers dodge the mob of courthouse paparazzo and jackal faced reporters trying to snag the scoop of the month 12 write book hug oprah for awkwardly long period of time option script to big shot hollywood cocaine tycoon record audiobook go on npr high five the universe 13 collect giant check 14 cash it go to casino to engage in high stakes foolhardy gambling binge double money 15 decide what to do with all the fucking cash step 2 things to do when rich 1 donate millions to ufo research become honorary martian ambassador to the un 2 buy parents a motorcycle with a sidecar 3 learn the misunderstood art of drunk jetpack flying 4 buy a seat on the first commercial space shuttle flight 5 invent iphone app that teaches old people how to use iphone apps 6 travel to exotic non humid parts of the world that have ice and air conditioning 7 move to the mountain regions and practice dragon punching inside of waterfalls 8 go off the grid 9 stockpile soup build large weapons cache occasionally get awkward over tense coffee when suspicious authorities drop in to ask questions 10 grow beard build large fires 11 study curling alchemy viking ancestry time travel and astral projection 12 get two dogs one smart one stupid maybe a border collie or something like it anything that sort of looks like a wolf moves wicked fast and likes frisbees and piles of leaves paired with something totally slow and stupid l ike a basset hound 13 watch hilarious situations unfold as they learn to get along and live together in a crazy world 14 marry a lady raise pod of human children learn to create family moments and bake sourdough bread for no reason 15 pass on secret of the ancient ones to younglings 16 get very old step 3 things to do when very old 1 live long enough to watch the first robot president take office 2 survive the robot wars by any means 3 stop smoking take up drinking and swearing grab people on the arm when you talk to them 4 write letters to your local congressman complaining how the machine that controls the weather is too loud and disruptive when you re home out in back gardening 5 gather soft sweaters and corduroy pants 6 squint at menus in poorly lit restaurants 7 teach grandchildren to never trust robots and how to effectively swear and steal from adults and get away with it 8 take walks in the mall at 8am with the wife try to not be annoyed with her because she always finds a way to walk too damn fast every time you go it s not a race you always tell her but she doesn t listen also don t get upset about the fact that she always manages to somehow park the car so far from the entrance that your hands get too cold all of the sudden or that she doesn t even care that you might get sick again just like last week when you kept her up with that cough and wouldn t agree to call the landlord to do something about the draft in the kitchen which is just making the cold worse come to think of it for the love of christmas and all things holy you tell her every single goddammed time you go to walk in the mall in the morning every tuesday and thursday that you don t like these things one bit and just once in all those years you d appreciate it if she listened to you 9 take frequent disco naps to offset fatigue from being so fucking elderly all the time 10 meet grandson s robot fiance learn tolerance and love begin erasing decades old hates and fears of the robot community 11 reluctantly get a robot caretaker to look after you so maybe your sons will stop nagging you about it already 12 begrudgingly become best friends with your new robot caretaker after he saves you from being hit by a runaway laser car at the super supermarket one day 13 find peace eat ice cream and brick oven pizzas as much as you want take up cigarettes again 14 teach a class on being awesome shaping the hearts and minds of future awesome generations for years to come 15 buy vacation home on the dark side of the moon 16 die at the age of 119 in your home when the moon is suddenly attacked by aliens marking the start of the great space war of 2096 17 once dead use ghost pen to make a cool list of cool ghost stuff to do make list of people who aren t dead 18 haunt the shit out of them m4h does not endorse or support the views presented in the film the bucket list we at m4h strongly encourage readers to never rent the film or even watch it for free for a short time on cable when nothi...