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Text of the page (random words):
uld i ve been a lot better the last few days i ve started working at my new job so i ve been trying to focus on that i had a hard time when the nurse called me on tuesday to tell me that my hcg levels had dropped to 500 it is good that they re dropping because i can t move on until they do but it was just also a reminder of what i lost last time the nurse told me my hcg levels she was telling me how great they looked because they were rising so my pregnancy looked healthy so much for that anyway i was a little bit sad but i took a deep breath and kept going my husband and i are meeting with my doctor tomorrow i assume he ll tell us that we need to wait until my hcg levels go down to zero and then we can talk about next steps because i have so long to wait i guess i m kind of just trying to forget about everything for the moment it s not like the next step in this process will be immediate i also have been thinking that we haven t really been trying for that long we really started trying last august and by october we were at the doctor figuring out a plan for ivf i went on the pill within the next couple months after that and then was waiting for insurance approval etc before starting ivf in march so maybe we tried for four months at the most on our own that s not very long it just seems like forever i m going to meet with the therapist again today this time i m going by myself since my husband is at work i think it will be my last time going it will be good to talk through things one more time i haven t really been talking to my family about it i think they think that i m strong enough to just move through it myself i also think that maybe my mother doesn t want to talk to me about it since she had four miscarriages herself and it is a painful subject okay i stole that thought from my husband but i think he s right so i m still moving forward i m still smoking just a couple a day but i really need to quit i do keep telling myself that in a couple of months i ll have to quit anyway since i ll be doing another round of ivf for now it really helps me to calm down it s terrible i know i feel guilty about it but i also feel like it s helping me to feel better i m sure i ll regret it when i get lung cancer tags miscarriage pregnancy loss posted in uncategorized leave a comment day 80 may 18 2009 so yesterday was another horrible day i attribute it to the drop in hormone levels my husband and i went to ikea to get a rug for my new office and i just lost it there were so many babies there i fell into a deep spiral of despair it took me hours to get out of it i was just so utterly sad and i kept thinking that there was no way i could ever subject myself to this pain again my husband got me out of it he is unbelievably amazing other people may have children but i have the best husband i could have ever hoped for he stayed with me he talked to me he soothed me and by the end of the evening we were holding each other and dancing together it hit me at that point that no matter what happens whether we have children or not i will be okay i love being with him and i love our lives together so today i woke up and started on my new job i have a ton to do i m still not totally happy of course but i m functioning and at this point i think functioning is all i can hope for i have my first blood test tomorrow which will undoubtedly show i still have hcg in my system but then i can go back in a week and i hope my levels will have dropped i m meeting with my doctor on friday i m not bleeding very much anymore so i hope he ll say i m recovering well and then it s onwards to plan b i would love to try naturally before we do ivf again but i m not going to compromise our timetable if my doctor wants to put me on birth control right away i will go on it that s all for now i think the worst part of this is not knowing how i ll feel ten minutes from now i could be fine for the rest of the day or i could totally lose it i m really going to try not to i have a bunch of embryos waiting in the freezer for me i need to be ready to give them a good home tags miscarriage pregnancy loss posted in uncategorized 2 comments day 82 may 16 2009 yesterday i was not at my best it was my last day at my job and the stress of that i think contributed to leading me into a downward spiral i kept thinking what was supposed to be i was supposed to be leaving my job and looking forward to my new life together with my child i was supposed to be really happy i was supposed to be thrilled and then i thought having a baby is supposed to be a happy event not a traumatic event not the worst thing that ever happened to me my husband lost me temporarily i wouldn t let myself be recovered from my sadness i needed to wallow and i did and today i m sad too and i m still physically in pain and bleeding but i think i m coming back i have to for my husband s sake and for my own it has been more than a week a week closer to my new pregnancy i hope i do feel like i have to prepare myself for the fact that i may never have my own child that s a very difficult thing to accept i have very little choice at this point night turns into day whether i like it or not i have to keep breathing and stepping forward whether i like it or not this experience and life in general is not about whether i like it or not it just is what it is posted in uncategorized leave a comment late at night husband may 16 2009 sitting here late at night i find myself detesting the thing the event the miscarriage that has for the moment taken my wife away from me she is angry she is raging she is sad and pessimistic she claims to have prepared herself already for not having kids despite the fact that there is a great chance of suceeding next time she cries she despairs she is unreachable she wants to hit me i got angry and threw something at a door myself not necessarily because of my wife and her actions more at where we find ourselves i am so very tired i feel so very helpless but i will carry on the best i can and know that we will come through i love my wife posted in uncategorized leave a comment husbands thoughts 1 4 may 15 2009 moving on from the d e process is hard the hormones are playing havoc with my wife s already tender and agitated emotions it is hard to know when she will shift and what she will think it is also hard to know what to say or to do i often feel lost in a life raft in a maelstrom if you have read my wife s entries you will see her mention the exercise study she did very very little exercise but she is starting to latch onto this as a reason for the miscarriage there are so many environmental interior and exterior factors for it and just simple pure bad luck i ache to hear her blaming herself for something so outwith her control for something that was so not her fault the hormones from the d e are only making this worse i hope my wife reads my entry so that she can know this i know that it is hard for her but she and i will move forward together i told my own parents what happened i feel better for it my own mother had a miscarriage and it was good to hear her recollections to it vivid in her mind my father was also very commiserating this last week has seemed liked years and we hope the next months seems like days posted in uncategorized leave a comment day 84 may 14 2009 today i got started on my new job helping open a new store and helping my father run his commercial real estate it was good to have a new project to start on yesterday my husband and i met with the therapist it was good to talk things over i was really looking for her to tell me that it was okay that i was moving on everyone keeps saying it s going to be so hard for so long and i want to say okay i get it i m going to be in pain but at the same time i really did have an explosive session of grief i lost control of myself for a good twenty four hours but then i came back and i really think i m moving forward she did say that that was okay there is no set path to this grieving process that was good to hear she also said most people couldn t do what i did which was to get it most of my grief out in one explosive session not that i m not going to keep being in pain because i will but it s more a dull ache from time to time as opposed to overwhelming pain physically i have felt pretty bad over the last twenty four hours i started cramping and bleeding really heavily last night i called the doctor on call who said that it was normal and actually it meant that my uterus was contracting back to normal size he said a great thing which was hopefully this will all be over soon and you can move forward from this i really needed to hear that and it made me look at the physical symptoms in a positive way i have to go in on tuesday for a beta to see where my hcg levels are inevitably they will still be high and i ll have to go in after another week i feel like the two month waiting period will just be extended further and further but who knows i m meeting with my doctor next friday i m hoping he ll say that i just have to wait for two periods if so then i hope i ll be able to go on provera in another couple of weeks to get my period and then birth control so it will only be one more month after that before i get my period again if that s the case then maybe i ll stay on the two month schedule i really hope so i keep thinking about all of my frozen embryos we had 16 embryos and at least 10 of them they were going to freeze but we haven t gotten the official report since my doctor hadn t bothered to have the embryos analyzed since i had been successful anyway my thought is that there are at least 10 i hope little embryos waiting for the chance to grow and if i can get ready over the next two months to give them a good home that will be great i also keep telling myself that i m getting through this and moving on for my future children i can t get them however i end up getting them either by having them or adopting unless i m strong enough to move on from this experience in the meantime i m going to get my business going and start eating healthier the one horrible thing i ve let myself do during this grieving is smoke not much but after i m done with the pack i bought on the day i found out about the miscarriage then i m done i ll go back to being healthy i m still concerned about working out the study my doctor told me about which was done by brigham and women s hospital my hospital and harvard medical school showed that women who exercised more than 4 hours a week 1 9 years before doing ivf had drastically reduced success rates the article abstract is here http www ncbi nlm nih gov pubmed 17012457 in case anyone is interested i ve been an avid exerciser for years and now i think all that time i thought i was doing the right thing i wasn t my plan is to start swimming after i m healed from the d e two weeks from now i ll also walk it will be a huge change from the running spinning lifting i used to do that s it for today tomorrow it will be one week since i found out i feel like i ve come so far in that one week i m going to try to keep moving only forward tags miscarriage pregnancy loss posted in uncategorized 1 comment husband s thoughts 1 3 may 14 2009 my wife and i have been up and down ice cream and fries have helped the d e was what it was and we had a mini down after the next day we went to a flea market fair and walked around in the sun it was nice to hold her hand for pleasure and not with worry later we met with a counselor i was apprehensive since i am the quiet introverted type as such it was difficult to express an answer to any emotional questions posited i was uncomfortable my wife was worried i spent too much time worrying about and reacting to her than digesting my own reactions feelings she may be right but she was incredible upset and i always try to be there for her to begin the pregnancy process again will be tough but after going through this i feel embattled and fortified that come what may we will ride the waves together it is a shame that men are not more expressive about their experiences of their own miscarriages directly and with experiencing their wife s reactions posted in uncategorized leave a comment day 86 may 13 2009 i m back from my d c i was really happy to get it over with so now i can move on i m still doing okay although i m frustrated with having to wait two more months to start again also my doctor recommended that i don t do the triathlon apparently there was a study done that said that people who run e g me have a harder time getting pregnant keeping the pregnancy when doing ivf that seems counterintuitive to me i would think that exercising would be good for you anyway i ll just swim and bike instead i m still determined to get back into shape before i start my next ivf cycle but for today i went to mcdonalds for dinner i figure if i have to go through a miscarriage i can enjoy fries and a shake without worrying about the calories tomorrow we re going to meet with the therapist i feel okay mentally but i want to make sure i address all of the emotional pain before i move on i think it is a healthier thing to do than just moving on i have seen many pregnant woman people with infants in the past few days but surprisingly i haven t been devastated by it it isn t going to help me any if other people aren t happy i also have been getting comfort from the fact that my husband and i are managing to move on undoubtedly we ll experience more pain and loss in our lives and it is great to know that we have the emotional resources to deal with it tomorrow as always is another day i m looking forward to it tags miscarriage pregnancy loss posted in uncategorized 2 comments husband 1 2 may 12 2009 today we went back to work it was strange because most of my co workers i did not tell they went on like normal and i tried to go on as normal in many ways i wanted to shout out me and my wife went through a miscarriage i am not sure what i wanted with that thought recognition sympathy i will have to ponder on it my wife and i were less frantic and i actually heard her laugh some in many ways she is emotionally stronger than me she is more expressive and more openly reflective she may have bigger lows than me but she always pulls through with a thoroughness i can only admire she will have more lows and i but we are moving forward alas we have to return to the same hospital tomorrow for the d c i am not sure how i feel about returning there i am leery but in the end it is merely another procedure that we will do and will go home together to watch some family guy posted in uncategorized leave a comment older entries search pages about archives may 2009 categories uncategorized 16 blogroll wordpress com wordpress org meta create account log in xfn wordpress blog at wordpress com entries rss and comments rss subscribe subscribed movingonfrommiscarriage s blog sign me up have a wordpress com 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