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but that s what got us to this point to begin with and we are still fighting i replied my mother grabbed my hand and sat me down jon radiation is over my last treatment was over a week ago unfortunately it did not work and the cancer has spread to my brain she said what does that mean i asked honey we tried hard but it didn t work the cancer spread i am so sorry to tell you this but i am going to die it s just a matter of when but in the time being i just want to live my life the way i want but i need your help because i can t drive i couldn t believe this shit how could this be so final how could this happen out of nowhere i ripped away from her and for the first time since the diagnosis i started openly sobbing she came up behind me put her hands on my shoulders and said honey i am so sorry but i don t want to lie to you but how do you know ma i replied hon i was a nurse on the cancer floor for thirty years i knew the minute i received the diagnosis i fought the best i could but i was too far gone and now i just want to enjoy my days she said as i ran upstairs to my room i could hear ma start to whimper i remember thinking about everything and going to my bathroom so that i could vomit i sat in my bed for an hour or so thinking and then i came to a decision that i regret to this very day i left the house and went to the gas station i purchased a pack of virginia slim menthol lights when i got home i handed them to my mom she went into the basement and i went to my room this action would come to cause a twenty year gap in the relationship with my father but in the end i was concerned about one thing helping my mother live out her last days in comfort guest post by j o b caregiver part iii posted april 15 2014 author mrs al filed under guest post tags caregiver 7 comments please see guest post by j o b caregiver part i if you need to catch up or need the link to j o b s blog christmas 1992 christmas was coming my uncle chuck and aunt cindy mom s brother sister in law were coming for the holidays mom still had her days sometimes she was perfectly fine goofing around no fever no nausea other days were bad consistent vomiting followed by tears sometimes she just laid on the couch moaning in pain that was most days at the time i had no idea what radiology took out of a person no one did there was no computer there was no web md it was a guessing game and my mother and i lost most of those games but christmas was coming and that was all that mattered to mom she was definitely a winter person she loved the cold she loved the snow even more i remember having to do my homework in the dining room so that she could look out the window as a family we were all preparing i remember my mother saying we have to find someone to make the desserts because dinner is mine i remember decorating the house with her i remember shopping for all the baked goods with her i distinctly remember driving her which pissed her off something fierce during the second week of december the good state of illinois decided to revoke my mother s driving privileges her anger quickly shifted to helplessness a very independent woman who was no longer allowed to drive it had something to do with the amount of radiation she was receiving and driving seemed to be her last bastion of independence as christmas drew near she was a defeated shell of her former self however she was determined to make this the best christmas ever and she succeeded no matter what was going on with her and her life she was not about to let cancer take this holiday from her three days before christmas my aunt uncle and cousins arrived our house was full and i remember numerous smiles on mom s face since i was on winter break i was designated to help mom with just about all preparations after taking mom shopping the day before christmas eve we sat up that night playing cards out of nowhere she began to weep i asked her what s wrong to which she replied honey i am so sorry but with everything going on i forgot to ask you what you wanted for christmas after some quick thought i told her dad asked me and i think he s taking care of it of course this wasn t true after all dad had been working sixteen hours a day so that he could pay for the medical bills but mom didn t need to know that we played cards for a while longer and then she decided to go to bed at this point of her life i was helping her to bed which i could tell killed her after mom was in bed i went upstairs and just laid in my bed i couldn t make too much noise because my cousin s were sleeping in the room next to me i laid there for a couple of hours waiting for my father to come home i remember just laying in silence waiting to hear his truck i heard his truck come up the driveway around 2 00 i gently made my way down the stairs i was careful to not wake my aunt and uncle who were in the guest room directly under the stairs i hurried to the back porch to meet him as he walked up he saw me what s wrong he asked shhhhhhh i said is mom okay he asked she s fine i said you have to get me a present this year i said of course we ll get you a gift jonathon you don t need to worry about that he replied you have to get it dad ma is too worried about having everything ready for christmas she felt bad that she couldn t buy me a gift i said i ll take care of it buddy you just get to bed he replied come christmas day mom was in high spirits she was preparing the whole meal she refused to let anyone prepare this diner other than her she did however let aunt cindy make the red velvet cake and pecan pie which she did wonderfully to be honest as sick as mom was this was the best holiday ever so much family filled our small cape cod it was unreal and i especially remember ma being in the highest of spirits it is a christmas that will forever be in my memory it was the only christmas in my life that all living o brien s and all living robertson s were together in one house uncle chuck aunt cindy brad and todd left for home kentucky on new years eve i remember playing monopoly with mom that night while dad and bill worked mom was in high spirits that night but she was still throwing up and quite violently i might add but other than that she didn t seem to be in much pain or discomfort we talked about the new year mostly she talked after all her baby was going to be turning seventeen and she was super excited i could not have ever imagined how dark the year would start out guest post by j o b caregiver part ii posted april 3 2014 author mrs al filed under guest post 3 comments please see guest post by j o b caregiver part i if you need to catch up or need the link to j o b s blog thanksgiving 1992 as thanksgiving had come there were good days and there were bed i distinctly remember thanksgiving being bad for the simple fact that this was the first thanksgiving that my mother did not prepare the whole meal debbie oldest sibling was cooking every other minute however mom was in there making sure the sweet potato mash and collard greens were being prepared properly then the sweet cornbread and black eyed peas mom was from kentucky duh lol not to mention the turkey holy cow debbie had no idea what she got herself into lololol i remember julie second eldest sibling stirring a spoon in a big metal pot it was the cornbread and mom looked at her from the dining room and yelled damnit jules don t stir too fast of course julie yelled back i m not i remember my mother limping into the kitchen right as bill my father and jr bill jr is my older brother walked into the backdoor my father gave my mother a kiss and asked how she was feeling just so everyone can follow along easier i am the baby boy of four children i have one brother and two sisters like s t how do you think our daughters are not preparing dinner properly well debbie julie did a good job with dinner in the end i think mom was quite proud because all she could muster was a teary eyed smile but for me it was incredible it was mom dad bill julie scott julie s boyfriend debbie and jeff debbie s husband my brother in law ginger michael my niece and nephew and of course yours truly i could not remember a time like this in my entire life the entire family was here which was highly unusual due to age difference debbie the oldest is 23 years older than me big gap between all of us an hour later we ended up having homemade pumpkin pie and red velvet cake mom made those because she refused to let anyone else bake in her kitchen and god d n was is delicious i marveled at the whole thing i remember being in awe not because of my sister s wonderful cooking and not because of my mom s delicious desserts but because we were together all of us for the first thanksgiving that i could remember it wasn t about illness on this day it was about family family that would prevail after everyone had left it was my mother my father and myself after my father went to bed my mother took her wig off hi low or hi i asked that s omaha hi low how about a game of trouble she replied i said you bet your sweet a whatever game you feel like losing at i was laughing out loud when my mother smacked me on the top of the head as it turns out cancer may take a lot of things from you but it never takes away your sassiness it was at this time that we had our first deep conversation since the diagnosis as we played she asked me how are you doing honey okay i guess i said you seem like you have something on your mind she said i kind of do i replied well what is it sweety you can tell me anything she said well i just don t understand how all of this happened so fast you went to the doctor a few days after your birthday then a few days after that debbie is taking you to radiology appointments then last week your hair starts to fall out i just don t understand how this happened so fast as i reached across the table to pop the bubble my mom grabbed my hand honey i m sorry but i lied to you i went to see dr rocke three weeks before my birthday that s when i found out about the cancer the day that you thought i went to the doctor was actually my first radiation treatment she said why did you lie about it though i asked honey i m sorry for that but i didn t want you to worry you need to concentrate on your classes not to mention how good you were doing at football the last thing you need right now is to worry about me the reason my hair fell out was because i am undergoing such a high treatment of radiology she replied just don t lie to me because that scares me more than anything i said i won t lie anymore honey i m sorry she replied we spent the rest of the night playing trouble and rummy i remember going to bed that night more at ease my question had been answered and i understood her reasoning i could now rest easy job guest post by j o b caregiver part i posted march 26 2014 author mrs al filed under guest post tags young caregiver 15 comments i met j o b over at blogspot he comments here and has agreed to share his experience with his mom i know you will appreciate this caretaker view you can read j o b s blog here november 1992 it was the first week of november that she had an appointment with the doctor she had been complaining about a sore throat for seven weeks not too mention the occasional fever she called in and set up an appointment just after her birthday on october 31st this woman turned 55 years of age she was quite beautiful if i do say so myself my oldest sister eldest sibling took her to her appointment since i was sixteen i was obviously at school i arrived home just after 6 00 due to football practice i was greeted by quite the entourage as i walked through the back door it was a sight that i was not quite used to not only was my father there but so was my brother along with my eldest sister and brother in law my parents told me that they had to speak with me honey my appointment didn t go well my mom said i was very confused and proceeded to ask what s wrong my mother looked right at me and said well sweety i do not have a sore throat it turns out i have a lump in my throat what do you mean lump i asked honey i went for some tests a few weeks ago today after a few more tests it was confirmed that i have esophageal cancer if you have never heard that phrase or something similar before it takes all the life out of you when my mother said that it was as if all the life inside of me instantly drained my entire body felt limp and as my eyes started tearing up my father grabbed my arm and pulled me aside listen you need to be strong i know this isn t fair for you at your age but your mother needs you to be strong she will do just fine but you need to stay positive so that she doesn t worry about you i informed my father that i was fine and was ready to do whatever it would take i know you are jonathon you are my big boy and everything will work out just fine he explained as we sat in the living room i heard words i had never heard before such as radiation and terminal there were a few tears but we as a typical o brien clan were not ready to give up without a fight we were going to kick cancer s ass and who better to do it than a nurse in the local hospital s cancer floor my brother and father worked overtime with the trucking company because of the insurance premiums and deductibles this left me as the only male member of our family that was at home going into state tourneys for football our team was doing well i came home after practice on a tuesday mom was hovering over the bathroom sink as she vomited as i pulled her hair back she asked me how is the team doing this year how are you doing this year i proceeded to inform her that we were in the quarter finals and just as i was about to tell her that i had been elected to all conference she started to violently vomit as i held her hair i noticed it came off in my hands eventually she looked up at me with tears in her eyes even at the age of sixteen i could see the fear and no matter what was going on in my life or in school i was not about to let this matriarch go this alone after vomiting she looked up at me that night and apologized as she apologized she held clumps of hair in her hands i removed the clumps from her grasp and proceeded to tell her that we would not be beat after i got mom to settle down i shaved her head i will never forget the helplessness she must have felt i remember hearing whimpering from her as i took away the last bastion of femininity i ll never forget looking at her with tears in her eyes she was so sick she was so helpless at that very moment i realized what it meant to be a man that was there to comfort i helped my mom shave my head and to this day i refuse to let my hair grow j o b entering a new phase of life posted march 7 2014 author mrs al filed under life after treatment 21 comments given i am a year out of treatment and am on the six month cat scan plan i decided to share a little bit about some of the changes i have experienced as mention...