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mrscorbell mrscorbell menu skip to content home about post navigation uh excuse me god this isn t what i signed up for posted on december 5 2015 by amanda corbell 0 i have this conversation with god often it s the same thing each time and it usually starts with me getting frustrated or annoyed with something i see and 95 of the time i m the only one talking here s how it goes me excuse me god but this isn t what i signed up for i didn t ask for this this wasn t the fairy tale i dreamed of as a little girl it wasn t supposed to go like this this isn t fair i know i know life isn t fair but this sucks the next part of the conversation is where it gets dangerous why why god why me was i really that bad what did i do to deserve this why even create me if you were gonna create me defective you see deep in me i have this part of me that feels like the biggest failure i have this part of me where i feel like damaged goods this part of me that feels like its shattered and unable to be repaired while this is how i feel i know this isn t the truth i learned at a very young age the difference between feelings and truth there is only one thing that is truth in john 14 6 jesus says i am the way the truth and the life no one comes to the father except through me and in john 8 32 jesus says and you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free so you see i know that jesus is truth and i know that if i know jesus i will be set free but sometimes knowing in your head and knowing in your heart are two very different things i ve heard it said that the longest 18 inches is the distance from your head to your heart while i know that god is good and i know that god doesn t make damaged or defective goods sometimes the enemy gets to me sometimes i lose the battle sometimes i fail miserably i don t even come close to passing the test but you know what god still loves me god still listens to me god still lets me get mad and sad and discouraged without calling me a failure never once in the 9 years i ve been fighting this particular battle has god ever given up on me never once has he said enough and walked away but i did i gave up on myself i labeled myself as damaged broken worthless unimportant and lacking in value but each time i got out my label maker god got out his he called me beautiful perfect whole complete lacking nothing everyday i fight this battle some days this seems like an ant hill while others it seems like mt everest some days i feel like i could die from the pain it s so sharp and cuts so deep into the very core of me but on the good and the bad days i hold onto one hope one promise being confident of this very thing that he who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of jesus christ philippians 1 6 i hold onto the hope that jesus started a good work in me and he will continue to perfect that work until the day he returns i hold onto the knowledge that he never gives up on me that he never sees me the way i see myself and that no matter how many times i get mad and yell and scream at him he never loves me less blessings sometimes come in strange packages posted on september 12 2015 by amanda corbell 1 sometimes blessings come in the strangest packages over the last few days god has been speaking to me about his timing and how even though i don t understand he always has a plan and that it will always be better than mine growing up i wanted to turn 18 get married and start having lots and lots of babies 12 to be exact that plan didn t go as i thought it would and the more years that passed the more pain i felt but now as i think back over the years i see all the things i got to do that i wouldn t have if my life went as i planned it i see the babies that i got to watch i see the many families that welcomed me into their homes and let me be a small part of their children s lives i see the boys that i started watching just weeks after they were born now going to kindergarten i see times that mommies and daddies got to be husbands and wives for the night and just relax i see brothers and sisters who didn t have a care in the world and got to be kids i see sunday school lessons and camp messages object lessons and silly games i see high school girls building each other up and little feet learning that with god they can slay their giants i see smiles on the faces of middle school girls stealing my phone to take a million selfies i see the many songs i sang as i rocked babies to sleep and the nights i stayed awake because the campers didn t want to sleep when i think back over the years i see the faces of kids that i ve had the privilege of getting to know i see the long weeks at camp the prepping for sunday school and the many many laughs i ve had and i thank god for each and every moment and every face that i ve come in contact with i thank god that i was able to spend weeks at camp when some people couldn t that i was able to change diapers and rock babies to sleep i am forever thankful that even when i didn t understand that god was teaching me he was and that when i thought he had forgot about me he was really giving many many blessings i may not have any babies of my own yet but i know that god has given me the amazing opportunity privilege and honor of loving many many children i will never take that for granted and i will continue to love each one who comes in my path helen augusta bissman corbell posted on august 9 2015 by amanda corbell 0 i never met my mother in law she died on august 14th 2011 a little more than 2 years before nate and i met she was diagnosed with bone cancer in may of 2009 she fought hard for two years before the cancer finally won helen augusta bissman corbell i have never heard a bad thing about her everyone says she could light up a room with her smile that she would shine through the crowd no matter where she was i have this curiosity of finding out what names mean and helen means bright shining light i find it so beautiful that people use the exact meaning of her name to describe her character i wish that i would have met her to hear stories about nate as a young boy and to see where he gets his looks from i wish that i would have had the chance to witness her beauty and light but even though i didn t get that chance i am thankful for her i am thankful that she raised my nathaniel john to be a man of character that she taught him manors and morals that she let him be himself encouraged him to dance sing and play basketball that she loved him in his good and bad times and taught him to make good choices even when it s hard i m thankful that she taught him to be a gentleman and to respect women and most of all i m thankful that she nurtured his gentle heart and always protected it everyday i think about her even though i never met her she will always be talked about in our house and thought of with a smile someday our kids will know about their grandma helen and we will teach them to carry the legacy that she left with nate as the anniversary of her death grows closer i watch nate stand firm as the waves of grief crash around him i wish that i could take the pain away but i have learned that the only thing i can do is honor his mother and acknowledge his mother in him i see her when i look into nates face and i thank god that one day we will meet and until that day that she ll never be in pain again why i won t stop talking about infertility posted on august 2 2015 by amanda corbell 0 recently i had someone tell me that i share too much about my infertility and the struggle that got me where i am today they told me that it was something i shouldn t talk about because it makes other people feel uncomfortable they continued on to say that it was highly inappropriate that i would share anything about my surrogacy journey because it makes me look bad as a woman i m not gonna lie during this conversation my blood was boiling i was so out raged and looking back i m sure that i said things i probably shouldn t have out of anger i apologized to this person for reacting instead of responding but i will never apologize for speaking up about infertility surrogacy and the amazing faithfulness of god along my journey 1 in 6 couples struggle with infertility in some way there are many problems that can happen both with the man and the woman which can lead to this awful infertility road for us we re here because i had to have a hysterectomy at 19 that is not a choice i would have ever made if there was any other option no one chooses infertility and i wouldn t wish it on my worst enemy when nate and i started dating my biggest fear was telling him that i couldn t have children i was so afraid that he wouldn t want to continue on in our relationship because i felt like less of a woman while i take full responsibility for my feelings i also know that the world around me told me my worth was dependent on my ability to bear children and it s not let me repeat that my worth or yours as a woman is not dependent in the ability to bear children or not nate was so gracious when i told him and he acted as if nothing was wrong and since that day we have fought this battle side by side hand in hand i talk about my our infertility because there are women out there who aren t strong enough too there are women who are silently struggling with this battle because the world has told them that it s inappropriate or because they don t have a good support system this road is the hardest loneliest most painful road to walk on and i am only so strong because i have such an amazing support system in place over the years i have gone through the grief cycle many times there have been days where i was so angry i cursed everyone and everything days where i was so overcome with sadness i didn t want to get out of blankets but still there have been days that i was filled with such peace after many long conversations nate and i came to the decision that we would try to adopt in the fall winter of 2014 we went through the foster care classes to become certified foster parents my heart broke each time i saw all the children at the state group home each face of the children dug deep like a knife how could anyone not love these precious babes but seeing their faces just fueled my passion more in the late spring of 2015 one of my closest childhood friends came to me with an offer that still leaves me speechless she offered to be our surrogate and give me the one thing i always wanted a child of my own now let me just say that adopting a child does not mean it wouldn t be mine and adoption is still on our minds and in our hearts this woman didn t come to me wanting anything in return she just came offering herself and a gift i could never repay she doesn t want this to be about her time and time again she has said this is about you and nate people will figure it out or they won t but this is your time to celebrate each day i think about her and her family i am overwhelmed with love and thankfulness people say it takes a village to raise a child and in our case it takes a village to have a child since hysterectomy day in 2006 i have held onto two promises from the bible psalm 113 9 he settles the barren woman in her home as the happy mother of children praise the lord isaiah 54 1 sing o barren you who have not borne break forth into singing and cry aloud you who have not labored with child for more are the children of the desolate than the children of the married woman says the lord i am far from perfect and many times i have lost hope but these promises have got me through my darkest days i ve gotten angry and sad i get snappy and say things i shouldn t but through it all every mountain top and every valley god has been there holding my hand he s held me in the tough times and danced with me while i was celebrating i will never stop declaring that he is god and that he is good i won t stop talking about my journey because it makes people uncomfortable and i certainly won t stop declaring the faithfulness of the god who created me in his image tagged infertilty surrogatejourney godisgood heisfaithful psalm1139 isaiah54 dear future child posted on july 31 2015 by amanda corbell 0 dear future child i prayed for you today i prayed that god would send you to us in his timing not mine i prayed that we would be the best possible parents for you i prayed that you would know you are loved and that you are worth far more than we could ever show you you see you re a miracle some day we will be laying with you telling you a bedtime story about how god saw fit to give you to us when everything and every one told us how it would never happen we will be telling you of the goodness and faithfulness of a god who fulfills his continue reading post navigation search recent posts uh excuse me god this isn t what i signed up for blessings sometimes come in strange packages helen augusta bissman corbell why i won t stop talking about infertility dear future child recent comments amber on blessings sometimes come in st archives december 2015 september 2015 august 2015 july 2015 categories uncategorized meta create account log in entries feed comments feed wordpress com search recent posts uh excuse me god this isn t what i signed up for blessings sometimes come in strange packages helen augusta bissman corbell why i won t stop talking about infertility dear future child recent comments amber on blessings sometimes come in st archives december 2015 september 2015 august 2015 july 2015 categories uncategorized meta create account log in entries feed comments feed wordpress com create a free website or blog at wordpress com subscribe subscribed mrscorbell sign me up have a wordpress com account log in now privacy mrscorbell view site in reader manage subscriptions sign up log in report this content collapse this bar create your own website free on wordpress com create your own website start free