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out of the mud and the mire skip to main skip to sidebar out of the mud and the mire he lifted me out the the pit of despair out of the mud and mire psalm 40 2 saturday july 26 2008 signing off officially when i started this blog i did it because i felt lead and i figured it would help me grieve i also thought it would help my friends and family to better understand what this loss feels like and to know how i was doing it s been over a year since we lost jonathan and i no longer feel the need to blog about the loss i m not over it i never really will be but i m moving on and enjoying the lives i have around me thanks for reading and thanks for sharing in my journey this far posted by naomi at 6 26 pm no comments sunday march 30 2008 the last couple of weeks have been alright even though the 10 month anniversary and easter fell in the same week easter was a bit tough the church we were at had a big door on the stage for those who had decided to follow jesus in the past year to walk through symbolizing the new door they have walked through in their life that sort of thing gets me a bit teary eyed anyway just seeing all the new believers but toward the end of the procession a mom walked through with her little boy he was maybe 6 or 8 years old old enough to decide to follow jesus or possibly just going through with his mother my thoughts circled around how special for that mom to walk through with her son and i pray that we will be celebrating decisions like that with our girls in the next few years i couldn t help but wander to the part of my brain that holds all the i ll never get to do that with my son thoughts i think one of the things that i mourn the most is not having that mother son relationship i know i wouldn t have had that anyway we have three girls but somehow expecting a son and all that joys that come with that makes it harder to think that i won t have that i ve often heard how special that relationship is and when i didn t think i d ever have that pre pregnancy with jonathan i didn t mind but now it hurts my heart at church tonight our pastor spoke about persistance in prayer he mentioned that sometimes god answer is no when he said that i realized that god s answer to our prayer to keep jonathan safe when i was not doing well was no it has really helped me begin to frame our loss and what i ve learned on a foundation on sorts of course the firm foundation is always jesus and what he has done for us but that s pretty broad in some ways i feel like this part of my life starts with answering the question of what happens when god says no to a big prayer i think this will help me frame my story for sharing with others my friend shelley said that maybe when i was scheduled to speak at church but was too sick to do it was god saying not now i think she was right i never felt like what i had prepared was just the right way to say it maybe now it will come together more naturally posted by naomi at 8 57 pm 2 comments saturday march 8 2008 please pray for me i may be sharing jonathan s story and what god has taught me through all of this at church tomorrow night please pray that if i do share that i would hold it together enough for people to understand me also that something in my story would would cause others to see that even when our life is horrible and painful and it seems like god is absent he is there and he loves us thanks so much the services are later posted on the church s website when it s posted i ll include a link so you all can hear how it went if that is i do indeed share i won t be sharing tonight i am sick no voice no talking bummer posted by naomi at 8 30 pm 2 comments friday february 22 2008 things that make me happy i m stealing this idea from my friend but i needed a list tonight to help turn my grouchiness around rice krispie bars purple hot chocolate with marshmellows comfy clothes watching my kids laugh laughing with them too listening to my five year old read spending time with my husband shopping great memories of roomies gone by hanging out with friends good coffee magazines alone time at the coffee shop bike rides walking to the park flying kites with the girls scrapbooking seeing mops grow at faith helping at the food outreach watching friends everyday on syndication movies pretty woman while you were sleeping sleeping in getting ready in the morning with out interruption choc chip cookie dough hearing the bird that lives in the birdhouse outside my window chirp playing pretend with the girls watching the squirrels play flowers in the garden snowmen sandra boyton songs it s a good start posted by naomi at 8 58 pm no comments wednesday february 20 2008 a breakthrough i ve hung up pictures of jonathan in our house i ve wanted to do this since i got the pictures from julie with nilmdts but never felt ready i ve put two pictures in a collage frame the frame holds about 40 pictures it s a great frame i love it the pictures of jonathan are in two corners and are not obvious the frame hangs in our downstairs family room playroom not a lot of non family traffic it s a small step a breakthrough i want to put up pictures in the hallway where i have a few other great pictures of my girls it s the hallway that we use about 27 times a day so i would see them more often anyone who comes to my house and uses my bathroom would see them i m not ready for that yet but i ll get there posted by naomi at 11 14 pm 1 comment oh that i would reveal my craziness my emotions have taken over the past week has been difficult we should have been marveling over a beautiful 9 month old boy last week i m sure that was the start of my emotional roller coaster i ve been more irritable crying more easily i ve cared less about well anything i ve gotten overly emotional about stupid things over that past 9 months i ve had moments when i ve thought perhaps i do have depression like the kind that is diagnosed i have told myself that because it doesn t interfere with my daily life that i don t meet the criteria maybe i should check my dsm again i m meeting with our church s counseling pastor tomorrow i think that being a trained clinical social worker i know when to stop sharing my feelings or down play them so as to not cause worry pray that i will be brave enough to reveal my honest feelings and not present a brave healthy front i m good at that why do i care if i were labeled with depression after all i am living out most people s worst nightmare what does it really matter added i met with our pastor today it was very good i feel certain that i am moving toward health and am tackling what is coming at me i think the depression days come and go and that is to be expected yesterday was a down day today is better the girls have a book by kevin henkes called lilly s purple plastic purse in the book the teacher says to lilly today was a tough day tomorrow will be better i am living out that statement posted by naomi at 10 43 pm 1 comment thursday february 7 2008 jonthan s little footprint my 5 year old bria had a play date today as we were chatting about families my darling said we have 6 people in our family our baby brother is in heaven her friend gave a bit of an odd look then my 3 year old adriann said yeah he s heaven i don t know why bria he was born to early friend my mommy s cousin had a baby who is in heaven too my thought oh good she has some sort of context to put this in when the friends mom came to pick her up i felt i needed to share a bit about the conversation just in case it comes up at the dinner table at their house it s amazing the stuff kids come up with bria hardly ever brings up jonathan she doesn t draw him in family pictures or anything but here she felt the need maybe it s because her friend has two brothers she may have felt the need to let it be known that she has a brother too good for her claim him proudly he deserves it i was sharing with a friend yesterday actually she was encouraging me about the pride we do have in our babies my friend shaina has also lost a baby she was right i am so proud of jonathan every time i see his picture i beam with pride just like a do with my girls i still feel the sense of sadness and loss but i feel the pride taking over he was just so precious and has made a huge impact in our lives he never saw us we never saw his eyes but i feel like i have looked deeply into them i feel like i really do know him despite the little that we did know i know that he was a thumb sucker he was sucking his thumb in a couple of ultra sounds when you have an iud in a goofy place you get a lot of ultra sounds it is fun to know this partially because only one of our girls is a thumb sucker kyla and she was also sucking away in the ultra sound i know that he had the cutest nose and lips and in one picture of him and i can absolutely see the family resemblance to the girls in my mind he has a personality more like our middle daughter she is more of an introvert i have always had the sense that she lost a real buddy in jonathan i picture him as more of a book reader like adriann an observer i don t know why maybe because that would be more descriptive of my husband maybe because the first and third girls are more extroverted like i am so of course they would be evenly divided in one of my ultra sounds the doctor was in the room and has he looked the image on the screen he said that this baby was going to do great things the intern the nurse and i began to speculate what those things could be tangible things like finding the cure for cancer professional sports computer genius steve jobs with apple not the other guy all the kinds of things that the world values and would support his parents in our old age well the doctor was right jonathan will do great things he will have an impact posted by naomi at 10 45 pm 3 comments older posts home subscribe to posts atom about me naomi i am a mom who right now is trying to figure out the why and for what purpose my son was taken to heaven my husband tim and i have been married for 8 years and have 3 wonderful daughters we ve been blessed with much and now navigate through our loss together view my complete profile jonathan s story jonathan s story blog archive 2008 16 july 1 signing off officially march 2 february 6 january 7 2007 13 december 4 november 9 links i love allison s traveling thoughts baby loss blogs directory jthrasher photography mommysavers now i lay me down to sleep orgjunkie add snippets to your site