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shes finally reaching his due date and then his first birthday those things gave me a timeline for my grief and a long list of to do s that brought meaning to my days none of them were easy far from it but they were things that promised to keep max real and present in my life as i learned slowly the very painful lessons of how to let him go after max s first birthday these milestones stopped cropping up as often then i realised that i wasn t keeping track of the calendar so much waiting for the 24th and the anniversary of his birth to roll around every month i no longer dreaded thursdays the day our world fell apart things were changing there were no more speeches to prepare no more cards to write no memorials to plan or get togethers to arrange in his memory what then i found myself asking was left of him of me at times it felt like by letting go of these formal opportunities to mourn him that i was losing him all over again the expanse of time that lay ahead of me without him was so overwhelming and i often felt that i was sinking under the weight of this forever max s time was gone but i did not know how to make him a part of my life that was to come that his time has passed that the world will never again pause to pay this little lost boy his due is a realisation i ve had to revisit numerous times since he died that i will never ever see him again still seems like such an unbelievable absurd concept no matter how many times i turn it over in my brain the permanence of it all still brings me to my knees when it strikes me afresh some mornings after i awake the realisation that i will never again get the chance to hold him and love him as i long to do three years on and i can say that i don t need milestones birthdays and anniversaries to call to mind my baby boy these days are special on the calendar but they re always strangely devoid of feeling when they finally arrive it s the rotating roster of not anything special at all days that really do you in maybe i hear a mother call out to her son max in the supermarket and for a split second look up expecting to see my max sometimes i m just driving along in the car not even realising that i m crying or sometimes it will hit while i m in the shower on an ordinary tuesday morning grief is unpredictable like life lots of people along the way have told me that time is the great healer that if you put enough of the stuff between you and your tragedy or trauma it won t hurt anymore this sounds like a nice romance doesn t it it is a lovely way to comfort someone in the depths of grief who thinks they won t survive it the sentiment is well enough but for me it has just been completely untrue time doesn t heal it distracts and it distances yes and those can be really helpful things but the passage of time is accompanied by its own special kind of torture in that it has taken me further and further away from the moment max was mine time has made it harder to recall him as he really was and i have to turn to photos to fill in the gaps because of the passing of time i am often desperately trying to claw back memories that are threatening to fade memories of how delicate and silken his skin was what it really felt like to hold him in my arms what i felt like when i saw my baby for the first time it s stressful to search in a panic for those memories as if i can t quite remember where i put them for safe keeping it hurts and it makes me angry that i can t even make the memory of him stay what kind of mother am i i ask myself in those moments and i can t answer i didn t get the chance to find out what kind of mother i would be for max i ll never ever know i m still trying every day to make a space in the world for max to tell people that he was here and that he mattered and that he was loved beyond measure but it is not easy people in general don t deal well with death and none of us like to think much about the terrible things that might one day befall us to talk about your baby who has died especially is the hardest thing to do but by far the easiest way to clear a room meeting new people and anticipating their innocent yet loaded questions how many children do you have or is your daughter your first can be excruciating for both parties but then sometimes people surprise you recently i got talking to a woman with a child alice s age while waiting for an event to start in the city those same questions arose i answered as i usually do and she simply replied i m so sorry what was your son s name it was an amazing moment for me and i m so thankful for those very kind of people i ve encountered throughout the last three years and brought into my life as well as to the people who ve stayed the course as i ve fallen over time and time again in the roughest terrain those are my all weather friends more valuable and treasured than they know each year that passes i hope i ve found a new way to honour and remember max each year i hope there will be more people who know that he was here and who will understand the special impact he had on the world in his short but significant life three years on and everything is different yet three years on and everything is exactly the same i love him i miss him i wish he could come home posted by ms j at 8 30 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest saturday june 21 2014 alice at fourteen months old we ve been in double digits for a while now but 14 months old just seems so grown up you are so big now my baby and you are getting so tall once you spent all of your time laying down then when you could sit you did that and nothing else would do now though you are mostly upright you never want to lie down not even for a nappy change i guess lying down is for babies huh and you re making it clearer day by day that you re not a tiny little baby anymore you re not yet walking independently but i get a real sense that you absolutely could if you felt like it every time we think you re that close you seem to lose interest when we try and get you to stand on your feet and walk along holding our hands you just collapse your legs and start rapidly crawling away you do like toddling along behind your trolley or doll s pram once we get you get started on that you don t want to stop and you get the biggest grin on your face it makes me so happy to see that smile especially when you are beaming with delight because you ve achieved something new you re beginning to experience the feeling of pride i think you often applaud yourself like when you put a shape in the correct hole of your shape sorter i know you must have learned this from us we were so desperate to teach you to clap you were a bit slow in the clapping milestone stakes that we clapped every time you did something remotely interesting it is really cute to see you do it but nowhere near nowhere near as cute as when you give me a round of applause after singing you a song i love it you ve been sick again this last week or so and so have i more viruses more fevers and more sleepless nights you re also teething a molar is coming through on the top right hand side and it looks really nasty and sore i think it has been giving you pain when i m feeling under the weather too i find it so hard not to let everything overwhelm me and on some days i feel like i haven t really enjoyed you as much as i should have i ve been frustrated and tired sometimes even wishing you d just go to sleep so i could just sit down or get something done around the house ie perhaps mop the filthy kitchen floor i know i shouldn t think those things and i feel so guilty for it but i guess it is normal to get a bit over the daily grind of it every now and again i know everyone must have those days but i think because i feel i should be constantly grateful for having you here and i am that i m inviting something bad to happen to you if i take you for granted for even a second i try to give myself a break but that part of being your mum is hard continually hard i wish i didn t fear so much that you could be so easily snatched away this month you have been learning to blow kisses at daycare i ve also been trying to teach you the actions to twinkle twinkle little star you ve started putting up your little chubby hands in the air trying to copy me and it melts my heart you are so observant at the moment trying to copy everything i do you are experimenting all the time with different ways to move your body and showing off lots of new impressive dance moves you re also trying out lots of new sounds and tricks with your mouth you re spending a lot of time clicking your tongue or opening and closing your mouth like a goldfish i blame daddy for that one as he does it to you all the time he also taught you to make a ninja sound which everyone makes the mistake of thinking is hiya as in a friendly greeting but which is actually hiiiiiiiyaaaaaa you know the sound of a ninja fighting move you also quite clearly say hello now and you are understanding so much more of what we say to you you know what bye bye means and your day carers commented on how well you respond to instructions they were so surprised and excited when they called your name and you put up your hand and when they tell you it is story time you are able to go and get a book and take it over to the teacher to read to you i wish i could be there to see that you re making deliberate requests for things you want now not so much by pointing as extending your hand out to them i m pretty sure you think doing so initiates some kind of telekinesis as we normally give the thing straight to you if you ve asked for it you are getting frustrated at times because you clearly know what you want but mummy and daddy don t quite understand your requests we offer you everything within sight but get it wrong every time you like asking for your water bottle and you get excited when you go in your high chair as you know it is time to eat you can be a bit impatient when you are hungry and you don t quite understand that i need to cool down your food before you can have it you also don t like waiting for your milk bottle to come out of the microwave you re also beginning to anticipate things such as bath time which is fun but it has a flip side when i take you to daycare because you now recognise that i m going to leave you there and you cling to me as we walk down the corridor to your room that makes it even harder to leave you but i know you have a good time with your little friends there and you are always so happy when i pick you up in the afternoons you re still quite particular with your food and refuse things for no apparent reason one minute that you ll happily munch on the next we never know if we are going to get a good meal into you or not and it is stressful because i worry that you are hungry or that you are not getting all the nutrients you need also it is kind of annoying because i ve been putting in so much effort making meals for you i m not a natural in the kitchen so it is damn hard work i ve been making you recipes with ingredients i ve never heard of and can t even pronounce to ensure you end up a confident eater i ve been getting into the super foods and the finger foods and the family meals but sometimes all you want is a cheese sandwich and a handful of grapes or your absolute favourite thing in the whole wide world sultanas you love drinking water and are so good at drinking out of a straw you make the cutest gulp gulp sounds as you re drinking exaggerated like a cartoon character or something you re getting surprisingly good at feeding yourself with a fork or spoon i didn t think children could feed themselves with utensils until a much older age but you are really quite good at it you haven t wanted to be spoon fed pretty much ever so i guess i ve been letting you practice doing it yourself and putting up with the ensuing mess i m pleased to see that it is paying off one of your favourite things to do at the moment is to post little objects inside other bigger objects you love getting hold of our coffee mugs and filling them up with assorted dummies you ve collected and which we ve usually been frantically looking for the night before then systematically taking them out and doing it all over again and again and again and again you are also obsessed with trying to put things in other people s mouths you keep trying to feed us and you don t take no for an answer even kitty is not safe you keep trying to put your dummy into his mouth he is not so keen on you at the moment as you are being a bit rough with him pulling his leg his collar and his hair you re getting better and you understand how to pat gently but you get a bit overexcited at times and the temptation is just too much your favourite toy right now seems to be your shape sorter you are getting really good at putting the shapes in the holes but then occasionally you also put other things through the holes like your grapes your fisher price dinosaur also collects a lot of your snacks and other toys pieces of toast apple and some of your duplo blocks we never know what we are going to find inside him you re loving your duplo blocks and love to pack them back into their box and then tip them out again because they make such a big rattly noise your little box of mr men books is also a current favourite as well as some toy kitchen utensils that you bang on things to make big clanging sounds the other thing you love to do which we are actively discouraging is to race to the kitchen when we are not looking and dip your hands in the cat water bowl before tipping it out all over the floor we really don t like it when you do that and you are now desperate to make your way to the study on the days daddy is working from home you re intent on switching off his computer and because the study is near the laundry you re also fascinated by watching the washing machine go around and around which does at least once a day now because you get so dirty and create so much washing i can t wait until i can delegate this task to you you do help already it is just that you have the process a bit backwards you take things out of the clean washing basket and put them on the floor and rip the wet washing off the clothes airer instead of waiting for it to dry first you are really starting to enjoy being around other children and seem to particularly like it when older children pay attention to you you watch them so intently and i can already see you subtly trying to build relationships with other little people you are so gentle with others lots of other babies your age are all with the pulling hair poking out eyes and snatching toys from each other but you tend to just sit quietly and observe i love this about you but i think you re going to have to start defending yourself a little better from the other rougher children our playgroup session on wednesdays is going really really well and you re just at the right age a...