Meta tags:
description=A blog about the kaddish, mourning and dealing with the death of a parent.;

Headings (most frequently used words):

kaddish, 22, memory, my, year, tuesday, june, 13, 2017, saturday, february, 2014, monday, april, 2013, followers, blog, archive, pages, from, mourning, to, project, realized, another, visit, the, many, functions, of,

Text of the page (most frequently used words):
the (281), and (129), #kaddish (91), you (84), that (68), your (60), are (42), mourning (41), with (40), parent (38), not (36), this (30), for (30), mourner (26), have (26), life (25), mother (24), her (24), was (24), but (24), from (23), saying (23), memory (21), death (21), one (19), words (17), loss (17), say (17), day (17), prayer (16), year (16), shul (16), after (15), their (15), will (14), its (14), which (14), share (13), what (13), first (12), these (12), through (12), obligation (12), months (12), may (11), process (11), some (11), can (11), time (11), during (11), how (11), more (11), man (11), half (11), all (10), mourners (10), while (10), been (10), does (10), when (10), end (10), soul (10), many (9), our (9), even (9), every (9), has (9), had (9), blog (8), yahrzeit (8), people (8), community (8), she (8), who (8), others (8), about (8), get (8), akiva (8), honor (7), start (7), between (7), his (7), sense (7), pain (7), idea (7), grief (7), without (7), shiva (7), kessler (6), period (6), world (6), help (6), own (6), they (6), live (6), way (6), only (6), there (6), now (6), midrash (6), experiences (6), well (6), home (5), email (5), talk (5), territory (5), uncharted (5), hope (5), years (5), since (5), into (5), within (5), stage (5), often (5), relationship (5), god (5), days (5), continues (5), prayers (5), because (5), any (5), reality (5), focus (5), being (5), nature (5), said (5), dealing (5), easy (5), other (5), matter (5), over (5), continue (5), comes (5), died (5), another (5), then (5), nor (5), were (5), recitation (5), service (5), self (5), than (5), second (5), jewish (5), burial (5), february (4), pinterest (4), facebook (4), blogthis (4), comments (4), posted (4), chanan (4), gave (4), anew (4), offer (4), never (4), quite (4), space (4), much (4), just (4), concrete (4), developed (4), find (4), them (4), take (4), most (4), know (4), him (4), those (4), indeed (4), alone (4), context (4), meant (4), though (4), don (4), out (4), yet (4), becomes (4), lost (4), told (4), son (4), torah (4), recited (4), visit (4), project (4), writings (4), slowly (4), family (4), speak (4), chance (4), begin (4), april (3), june (3), following (3), shabbat (3), entitled (3), functions (3), word (3), bringing (3), forth (3), myself (3), ends (3), experience (3), recedes (3), regularly (3), dies (3), new (3), assumes (3), thoughts (3), both (3), alive (3), place (3), did (3), daily (3), worthy (3), children (3), longer (3), remains (3), lead (3), certain (3), powerful (3), custom (3), person (3), whom (3), natural (3), leading (3), measure (3), club (3), joined (3), morning (3), something (3), deal (3), yourself (3), task (3), forgetting (3), few (3), perhaps (3), blessed (3), public (3), two (3), eternal (3), single (3), work (3), israel (3), each (3), toward (3), reciting (3), dream (3), השם (3), המברך (3), ברכו (3), asked (3), support (3), itself (3), purpose (3), like (3), five (3), rather (3), means (3), living (3), emotional (3), messages (3), personal (3), used (3), com (3), always (3), feelings (3), last (3), would (3), book (3), orthodox (3), various (3), funeral (3), next (3), services (3), feel (3), friends (3), return (3), restrictions (3), 2012 (2), 2013 (2), 2014 (2), 2017 (2), posts (2), summary (2), synagogue (2), preceding (2), guiding (2), path (2), grace (2), allowed (2), once (2), same (2), realms (2), sorrow (2), began (2), thought (2), center (2), provides (2), focuses (2), anchor (2), past (2), future (2), become (2), point (2), keep (2), someday (2), charged (2), carrying (2), lives (2), evidence (2), bring (2), father (2), priority (2), such (2), leads (2), particular (2), regard (2), remind (2), חיוב (2), serves (2), members (2), come (2), ask (2), cannot (2), message (2), must (2), considered (2), connection (2), took (2), effect (2), common (2), link (2), solace (2), going (2), someone (2), welcome (2), around (2), routines (2), state (2), comforting (2), overwhelming (2), difficult (2), unlike (2), hebrew (2), seems (2), away (2), gives (2), happened (2), weeks (2), goes (2), move (2), traumatic (2), events (2), forget (2), deceased (2), still (2), course (2), really (2), believe (2), needs (2), יהא (2), שמה (2), רבא (2), מברך (2), לעלם (2), ולעלמי (2), עלמיה (2), level (2), gehenna (2), congregation (2), punishment (2), learned (2), heart (2), responded (2), dead (2), merit (2), rabbi (2), should (2), however (2), here (2), found (2), incessant (2), repetition (2), assist (2), tasks (2), strive (2), kaddishes (2), ariv (2), mincha (2), rabbanan (2), woman (2), contains (2), sources (2), neither (2), mentioned (2), mitzvah (2), relate (2), religious (2), internal (2), very (2), processes (2), record (2), kind (2), therapy (2), before (2), nothing (2), prepares (2), soon (2), regular (2), mykaddishyear (2), blogspot (2), hinda (2), yael (2), bat (2), yosef (2), chaya (2), questions (2), product (2), metaphysical (2), dreams (2), wrote (2), put (2), together (2), aim (2), realized (2), form (2), continued (2), order (2), sale (2), victims (2), terror (2), psychological (2), hilda (2), anything (2), back (2), psychic (2), different (2), passage (2), obligations (2), give (2), law (2), observing (2), york (2), stages (2), shock (2), etc (2), seven (2), realize (2), ten (2), private (2), setting (2), care (2), written (2), getting (2), aspects (2), intense (2), begins (2), bound (2), month (2), experienced (2), kiddush (2), passes (2), chiuv (2), simple, theme, powered, blogger, pages, january, march, july, august, september, october, november, december, 169, archive, followers, subscribe, atom, older, long, reenters, completely, encountered, stand, somewhere, renewal, eventually, inhabit, attending, enter, realm, central, position, meaningful, repetitive, activity, providing, grounds, noted, mention, moreover, ruptures, repair, breach, speaks, name, fully, known, peace, better, ahead, sometimes, face, seem, incongruous, cruel, pointed, post, belief, lift, renewed, heaven, earth, redeemed, keeping, faith, testifying, fact, merited, perpetuated, got, efforts, provided, lived, parents, true, coming, acknowledging, remember, except, joyous, holidays, talent, solely, grant, stature, prefers, lowly, exalted, represent, assembled, mortality, benefit, anyone, utters, noticed, stranger, meet, hide, connects, selfish, suffered, corrective, puts, broader, leave, house, also, attention, turns, discussed, details, illness, formed, unspoken, bonds, born, connections, replace, severed, create, social, outlets, companionship, started, everyone, part, voluntarily, nonetheless, creates, routine, afternoon, revolves, beneficial, mental, knowing, easier, says, meantime, aramaic, pronounce, rhythm, pick, transliterated, books, read, unify, jews, denomination, proposing, change, peg, specific, definable, accomplish, siddurim, perform, tragic, event, oneself, answer, too, 100, prevents, shove, aside, trauma, sight, mind, human, try, survived, functional, cursed, ability, heal, healing, possibility, doesn, allow, affirmation, pronouncement, war, against, beyond, metaphysics, fulfills, equally, important, understanding, actions, bond, child, suggests, respect, street, affected, profoundly, forever, imprinted, indefinable, affects, transcending, power, helps, explain, why, seriously, missing, unthinkable, dismiss, mere, superstition, whose, psychologist, activist, helped, hundreds, thousands, achieve, rest, rescues, lower, afterlife, notion, raise, higher, righteous, led, danger, prompting, respond, came, saved, unfortunately, circumcised, prayed, fasted, open, answered, taught, went, walking, cemetery, met, naked, thorns, head, discovered, actually, forced, chop, wood, deserve, tax, collector, wanted, traditional, explanation, based, ways, fetishize, strives, intently, miss, divorced, greater, necessarily, oft, repeated, ritual, mindless, act, seen, checking, cell, phones, folding, tallit, holding, conversation, lends, rote, behavior, halakhically, fulfilled, recite, possible, total, eight, amounts, 640, recites, shacharit, orphan, recently, minyan, kedusha, קדיש, יתום, account, appellation, middle, ages, became, biblical, rabbinic, strongly, held, talmud, earliest, date, early, century, discuss, orphaned, boys, reached, age, bar, adults, shulchan, aruch, major, associated, visible, sign, synonymous, mourn, conversely, truly, disbelief, accompany, absence, existence, owed, spirit, assessment, desire, examined, tried, map, invited, readers, given, fulfilling, prophets, proclaiming, journey, persevere, doubt, meager, skills, great, strength, endowed, tremble, foreign, language, unrecognized, terrain, unknown, coastline, seek, becoming, continuously, growth, honesty, painful, shared, series, poems, reads, incomprehensible, nineteen, diagnosed, pancreatic, cancer, understood, existential, divide, occupied, beloved, related, kept, mused, monday, contain, whether, inner, aspect, lasting, impact, real, dreamed, knock, door, opened, walked, case, appears, surprised, overwhelmingly, pleased, looked, recall, exchange, enjoyed, visits, wish, blogging, engaged, anniversary, obviously, working, twenty, taking, shape, among, decide, suitable, worthwhile, published, edit, rough, organize, categories, publisher, photographs, old, slides, review, proofs, learn, followed, encourage, copy, proceeds, bridges, organization, founded, families, thank, ongoing, 2001, 2002, abated, medical, economic, penny, goal, helping, preserve, remarkable, misterkessler15, gmail, http, rememberence, html, saturday, four, passed, ended, official, three, added, haven, topic, look, occupy, enveloped, add, prohibitions, subject, follows, focused, voice, coping, aware, circumstances, privileges, duties, bestows, men, general, requirements, praying, shuls, synagogues, access, quorums, presume, amazed, similar, track, passing, tunnel, halachically, experientially, primary, ill, imminent, planning, helpful, writing, eulogy, finishing, touches, airplane, ride, california, see, arrangements, follow, involves, right, choose, understand, transformed, where, tremendously, exhausting, little, design, vulnerable, best, taken, paradoxical, raw, easiest, surrounded, articulate, spent, reading, rereading, sharing, subsumed, usually, familiar, points, beginning, spiritual, mixed, everyday, shopping, outside, inside, profound, changed, halachic, unit, emotionally, need, plan, times, positive, negative, constantly, reminding, giving, influence, hand, numbing, characterized, growing, acceptance, clearer, vision, division, analogous, imbued, deep, sadness, pleasurable, activities, lifted, filtering, moving, immersed, feels, gone, relief, release, again, theurgic, brings, elevates, full, imply, elevated, whatever, theological, beliefs, gap, shift, eased, accompanied, culmination, final, holy, sort, yom, kippur, confront, touch, totality, source, nurturing, lessons, ending, packed, hour, customs, mark, fast, commemorate, addition, made, practice, having, everlasting, linear, effects, anticipated, predicted, wax, wane, unexpectedly, rational, reason, overall, gradually, inexorably, intensity, diminishes, assume, dominant, psyche, places, visitations, recalling, traits, settings, transformation, legacy, metaphysically, embodied, predominate, background, moves, foreground, metaphor, suggest, suddenly, fall, less, significant, role, traced, recognizing, deeply, matters, acknowledgement, cherish, loved, ones, guide, individual, journeys, hloshim, chayim, gan, eden, tisha, shloshim, shoshim, aninut, minyanim, halacha, tuesday, blessing, attempted, reflect, meaning, ritualistic, identify, comfort,

Text of the page (random words):
are moving toward the end of the period of mourning you are by this point so immersed in the kaddish year that you feel it will never end at the end of 11 months your obligation to say kaddish ends though not the restrictions of mourning the end of kaddish feels like a shock for 11 months kaddish and mourning were bound up together now for one month kaddish is gone but mourning remains i experienced the end of kaddish as a relief and a release no longer a chiuv you don t have to go to shul every day your time is your own again kaddish is recited for 11 and not 12 months because of its theurgic nature the idea that its recitation brings merit to your parent s soul elevates it to gan eden and that to say kaddish for the full 12 months would imply that your parent s soul was not worthy to be elevated within 11 months whatever one s theological beliefs the one month gap between the end of kaddish and mourning gives you a chance to shift your focus to living both without your parent and without kaddish you are eased out of your mourning slowly in stages accompanied by the return to your private self the culmination and final stage of mourning is the yahrzeit the year to the day after your parent died it has the sense of a holy day a sort of personal yom kippur in which you confront your parent s life and death it is a chance to get in touch with the totality of what your parent meant to you the source of your life the nurturing and life lessons learned as well as the ending all packed into one intense 24 hour period you return to the kaddish and have priority over all others to lead the services different customs mark the day some fast others commemorate with a kiddush and a l chayim in addition to observing the yahrzeit day i have made a practice of having friends and family over to my home on the shabbat preceding the yahrzeit for a kiddush to give words of torah and to speak about my mother s life and my everlasting connection with her the year after your parent dies mourning and memory are bound up with each other mourning is not a linear process nor can its effects be anticipated or predicted feelings of loss and grief wax and wane often unexpectedly and without rational reason and yet in an overall sense as the year gradually passes mourning inexorably recedes its intensity diminishes as it does memory of your parent begins to assume a more dominant place in your psyche memory comes from many places from visitations of your parent in your dreams from recalling their traits and what they would have said to you in various settings in the transformation of self in which the legacy of your parent becomes metaphysically embodied within you during shiva s hloshim and the first half of the year loss and grief predominate as the year passes as the yahrzeit comes and goes as your life continues on mourning slowly recedes into the background while memory moves to the foreground this metaphor is meant to suggest that mourning does not suddenly fall away the day after the yahrzeit but that it assumes a less significant role in your emotional life i have traced the process from mourning to memory as i experienced it while recognizing that these feelings are deeply personal matters for all those who have lost a parent i offer the prayer that these words offer a measure of solace and acknowledgement of common experience may we cherish the memory of our loved ones and may they continue to guide us through our individual journeys posted by chanan kessler at 9 50 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest saturday february 22 2014 memory a project realized while blogging during my year of saying kaddish i mentioned that i was engaged in a project to keep my mother s memory alive http mykaddishyear blogspot com 2012 07 rememberence project html the idea as i wrote then was to put together some kind of book of her writings in time for her first yahrzeit anniversary of death obviously now more than two years after she died that aim was not realized but i have been working on this project for the past twenty months or so slowly it has been taking shape among my tasks were to go through her writings decide what was suitable and worthwhile to be published edit writings that were in rough form organize the writings into categories find a publisher go through family photographs and old slides review proofs and more through this process my mother continued to speak to me and i continued to learn from her if you have followed this blog then i encourage you to order a copy of this book which is entitled messages all proceeds from the sale will go to bridges to israel the organization she and my father founded to assist victims of terror and their families in israel while thank god the ongoing terror of 2001 2002 has abated the medical psychological and economic needs of the many victims continue every penny from the sale of messages will go toward this goal while helping to preserve the memory of the remarkable woman that was my mother to order the book email me at misterkessler15 gmail com posted by chanan kessler at 10 14 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest another visit how much reality can a dream contain whether the dream i will relate is just a product of my inner thoughts or perhaps contains some aspect of metaphysical reality i don t know but its effect on me as well as its lasting impact was and always will be real i dreamed that there was a knock on my door i opened it and in walked my mother as is always the case when she appears in my dreams which is not very often i was quite surprised and overwhelmingly pleased she looked alive and well unlike the last few months of her life all i recall is the following exchange we had i told her i really enjoyed her visits i asked her to visit me more often i said i wish you would visit me every day she responded i do posted by chanan kessler at 10 11 pm no comments email this blogthis share to x share to facebook share to pinterest monday april 22 2013 the many functions of kaddish the following is a summary of a talk i gave in synagogue on the shabbat preceding my mother s first yahrzeit in her memory and honor the talk was entitled the many functions of kaddish during the year that i recited the kaddish after the death of my beloved mother hinda yael bat yosef v chaya may her memory always be with us i asked myself many questions what was the purpose of saying kaddish for whom was i saying kaddish myself or my mother how was kaddish related to mourning in her honor and to help process my thoughts and feelings i kept a blog in which i mused about these and other questions mykaddishyear blogspot com nothing in life prepares you for mourning the loss of a parent the idea that the person who gave you life is no longer in the world is incomprehensible i had nineteen months after my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer to get used to the idea and i understood that i d soon be a mourner but there is an existential divide between the regular world and the one occupied by mourners becoming a mourner and living without my mother was and continues to be uncharted emotional territory one of my mother s many life messages was to strive continuously for personal growth through emotional honesty no matter how painful the process before her death she shared a series of poems with her children one of which entitled uncharted territory reads start anew in uncharted territory seek the unknown coastline the unrecognized terrain the language foreign to heart and soul i tremble at my task i have not been endowed with great strength or powerful skills my means are meager my support in doubt yet persevere i must to continue my journey bringing forth the word proclaiming we are the children of prophets are charged to start anew fulfilling the purpose given us to start anew in grace bringing forth the word of words guiding our path in uncharted territory in my mother s spirit of self assessment and her desire to live an examined life i have tried to map the processes of mourning her death my blog was a record of these experiences a kind of self therapy which i invited my readers to share how then does kaddish relate to mourning kaddish is the major religious obligation associated with mourning and its most visible sign but it is not synonymous with mourning one can mourn without saying kaddish or conversely say kaddish without truly mourning mourning is the internal process of dealing with the grief loss and disbelief that accompany the absence of one to whom our very existence is owed what is kaddish developed in the middle ages kaddish is a prayer the recitation of which over time became the obligation of mourners this recitation is neither a biblical nor a rabbinic mitzvah rather it is a strongly held custom kaddish is not mentioned in the talmud or the shulchan aruch the earliest sources which date from the early 12 th century discuss kaddish in the context of orphaned boys reciting it if they have not reached the age of bar mitzvah because only adults are allowed to say ברכו את השם המברך these sources account for the mourner s kaddish s hebrew appellation קדיש יתום or orphan s kaddish over time the custom developed for a man and more recently a woman who has lost a parent to say kaddish for 11 months as kaddish contains words of kedusha it may be recited only with a minyan saying kaddish can but does not necessarily assist the mourner in these tasks like any oft repeated ritual it can become a mindless act i ve seen mourners say kaddish while checking their cell phones folding their tallit or holding a conversation indeed the nature of the kaddish obligation lends itself to rote behavior while halakhically the obligation can be fulfilled by a single mourner s kaddish each day most mourners strive to recite every possible kaddish a total of eight daily five during shacharit the morning service two of which are kaddish d rabbanan the rabbi s kaddish one after mincha another kaddish d rabbanan between mincha and ma ariv and one after ma ariv this amounts to about 2 640 kaddishes during the 11 months that the mourner recites kaddish the incessant repetition of the kaddish can fetishize the prayer such that the mourner strives so intently not to miss a kaddish that the recitation becomes an end in itself divorced from any sense of greater purpose kaddish can and should however support the mourning process here are some ways i found that it does the eternal relationship the traditional explanation of kaddish is that its words bring merit to the soul of the deceased this idea is based on the following midrash rabbi akiva was walking in a cemetery when he met a naked man with thorns on his head he discovered the man was actually dead and had been forced to chop wood when akiva asked him what he did to deserve this punishment the man said he d been a tax collector akiva wanted to help the dead man the man told akiva that the only way to help was if his son were to say ברכו את השם המברך and the congregation responded יהא שמה רבא מברך לעלם ולעלמי עלמיה unfortunately the man s son had never been circumcised nor had he learned any torah akiva prayed and fasted to open the son s heart to torah god answered his prayer and akiva taught him torah the son went to shul and said ברכו את השם המברך the man then came to akiva in a dream blessed akiva and told him that his soul had been saved from the punishment of gehenna from this midrash comes the notion that each time you say kaddish you raise the soul of your parent toward a higher level no matter how righteous a life he or she led their soul is in danger of being lost to gehenna reciting kaddish and prompting the congregation to respond יהא שמה רבא מברך לעלם ולעלמי עלמיה rescues the soul from the lower realms of the afterlife the power of this midrash helps explain why some take the obligation to say kaddish so seriously that missing a single kaddish becomes unthinkable of course it is easy to dismiss the midrash as mere superstition can i really believe that my mother whose work as a psychologist and israel activist helped hundreds if not thousands of people needs my help for her soul to achieve eternal rest but there is another way of understanding the midrash its message is that there is a link between the mourner s actions and the deceased s soul the bond between child and parent continues even after death even more so the midrash suggests that the relationship remains in some respect a two way street just as my mother s life affected me profoundly and her life is forever imprinted in my being my life in some indefinable way still affects my mother the relationship is eternal transcending life beyond these metaphysics saying kaddish fulfills more concrete yet equally important functions the war against forgetting saying kaddish regularly prevents you from forgetting what happened it s easy after the first few weeks to shove aside the trauma and pain of your parent s death as the saying goes out of sight out of mind it is natural perhaps even human nature to try to move on or get over it that is how people who have survived traumatic events continue to live functional lives we are blessed or perhaps cursed with the ability to heal from traumatic events and with healing comes the possibility of forgetting but saying kaddish every day doesn t allow you to forget kaddish is a public affirmation that you are a mourner kaddish is a pronouncement to others and to yourself i am a mourner my parent died it happened i cannot forget something concrete to do kaddish gives the mourner a concrete task to regularly perform after a tragic event it s natural to ask oneself what now kaddish s answer is get up get out of your home get to shul and say these words for 11 months not too many words about 100 the words even though they are in aramaic are not that difficult to pronounce they have rhythm that is easy to pick up unlike any other prayer the kaddish is transliterated in most siddurim prayer books so that you don t even have to know how to read hebrew to say it it s the one prayer that seems to unify all jews no matter their denomination no one is proposing to change the words of this prayer kaddish may not take away the pain of loss but it does peg your mourning to a specific definable easy to accomplish task routines saying kaddish creates a routine for the mourner you go to shul in the morning and the afternoon your life revolves around the obligation to say kaddish routines are beneficial to one s mental state there is something comforting about knowing that you have to be at a certain place at a certain time every day dealing with the death of a parent is overwhelming going to shul every day is much easier to deal with kaddish says to the mourner dealing with your parent s loss will take time in the meantime get yourself to shul and say kaddish you are not the only mourner when i starte...